if only there was a lift...

well today has been perhaps one of the shitest days iv had in a while... or maybe the most truthful.

this morning started off ok, well ish. had a great night last night but had too attempt too fake weight gain of over a kg which is near impossible, really should just put on the weight but it seems an impossible thing right now.

part way through morning group i got pulled out for an assesment with lisa (the other half finally), this was more stressful then i anticipated...

i have come too the conculsion i dont feel too depressed as long as i am not thinking. if i am distracted (hello ed), then i wont feel sad/upset/hopeless/lonley. if i am distracted, then i can live.

if however, i think, then living is not an option, unless you count a share in kleenex and hiding under a blanket crying as a life.

im not even sure what it is, there is just so much stuff, and its all blurred into one big thing i avoid.

the assesment started ok, but we got chatting and she was saying how things sounded really stressful, and i was like 'naaah thyve been worse, im fine!', and she was like 'charlotte, your not ok are you' too which my reply was 'theyve been worse', and again 'charlotte your not ok are you'...'iv been better'...charlotte your not ok are you'... que tears and the admitting that noooooo im probably not very ok at all.

aaaannnd it went on from there, i was fine untill she made me think, and then i melted. soooo im now a priority for help, what the fuck?! really, i know how too cope, it may not be the healthiest, but iv worked out how too not be suicidal, which is all i care about!

she said she could see that really at the moment its more about just getting through a day, rather then recovering, and she could also see that although not eating/purging/cutting arent too be advised, she could see those behaviours cant change while im feeling like this, and that they are better then me doing something worse (who needs anti depressants when you have an ed and self harm e?!...o ye, im on them too), it feels like she is making a big deal out of something that doesnt need too be made a big deal of...iv survived this much, im sure il survive another 20 odd years. but then when i think about things i cant get through a day without wanting too dissapear (hence the not thinking stratergy).

sooooo after that session i had body image group, and left after 5 min coz i couldnt stop crying, sat in the lounge crying, and then 20 min late, lisa saw me and then spent the next hour getting me too calm down in the art room (what do you do when you feel like this?...GO TO SLEEEEEEPPPP). finally managed to stop crying, only too be faced with a fuck off massive sandwhich AND packet of crisps for lunch, which i really didnt want, and hey, guess what?! yup thats right, walked out and burst right back into tears again!

wouldnt have finished lunch if it wasnt for bex outside with a sign reading 'you better finish or il come and kick your arse!'... i love that girl!

soooo then i carried on crying after lunch and finally stopped by about 3... i was bloody nackered!

in review today they said they had 'noticed you have been more teary then usual'...!!!
i was told that i need too make sure i ring if i need them, as they are here even when im not, and that i need too accept some support, because apparently i really need it.

they seem more worried then they should be, as i say, as long as i dont think I AM FINE.

so, 3 weeks left and then im done with daycare... im not so fussed, i cant do the hole food thing at the moment, i really cant, i just need too focus on something that isnt my thoughts, and so far food is the only thing that works. i know they will keep an eye on me, and make sure im not doing too much damage, so im not worrying too much about this at the moment!

right, now iv blahed about the day i should sleep, first day stewarding tomorrow...10-8.30 and i have no money, so it looks like its cerial bars and muller rice's alllll day tomorrow! (the only food i have in!)