heylo,

well this weekend has been lovely!

i came home Saturday, and spent the day in london with Alex (british museum n covent garden), then i met my parents and we went to a string quartet concert in the wigmore hall which was awesome! (shostacovich 8th symphony, well worth a listen!).

then, yesterday i saw my cousin, went to st albans and painted a tea pot with my friend who used to work in the pottery shop with me (shocked our old boss i think!) - i did it with a washing line on it and lots of cloths hanging from it, and on the lid it says 'time for a nice cup of tea'... hope its glazed ok so i can use it!

then, i poped over to matts house and saw him n becs who i havent seen for about 2 years i think (used to be round there all the time when i was nyounger). so all in all, a very nice weekend!

the thing thats confusing me is that i walked into my parents room and my mum was like 'me and dad think you have lost weight'... i really dont think i have, and its kinds peeing me off a bit! then the hole weekend they have been checking im eating. its really annoying.
also, last night i got some food out with my friend in st albans, headed round matt's house, and then he made me sit and eat with him to :( i had genuinly eaten enough before had, but he literally put a plate in front of me and dished me out, even though id told him id already eaten!

in that way, im looking forwards to being back in brum! x

blah blah blah

hello guys,

well, today has been a bit crappy really!

everything that could have gone wrong went wrong!

the positives are...

i had a really good lesson (my teacher said i should manage a first in my degree :clap: ), he also went through one movement, and didnt stop me at all, saying at the end 'there were a couple of things, but your playing was so intense and emotional i didnt want to stop you, it was really good' :clap: funnily enough, its the movement that most makes me think of the ed/how hard recovery is! (its acctually based on a lover dying, but hey, its not far off!)

i also did some harp practice which was good...

the bad were...

i forgot a recorder i needed to lend to someone, went back picked up the case, walked back in again only to find it wasnt in there!

i left my keys in my locker key, which meant i added an extra half hour onto my journy and was late to meet a friend

i went to group, there wasnt time for me to talk and ended up crying all the bloody way home (typical e?!) must have really freaked out the other people on the train!

my tummy has been playing up again for a few weeks, bit worried its milk related but i dont think i can really cut it out without going backwards =-(

and on a neautral term... the second year arsehole won the recorder prize...which is bad re his ego, but i guess kinda good because it knocks him out of the competition for when im in it! (tho i kinda wanted to know if i was better then him!)... im kinda surprised he won, coz although he is good technically, he acts like a joker on stage, which isnt alwaays a good thing (his bloody eyebrows drive me mental, they move up and down sooooo much, it looks ridiculas when he is playing a sensible peice!)

anyway, i should go to sleep!!!

recorder news!

ok, so the only thing that has cheered me up today is that i am finally getting my recorder back... 2 months late, but it will be her hopefully in a few days!!!

that has made me happy.

today has been nuts, i...

woke up at 7
was in college by half 9
practiced till 12
worked from then till 6
had a folk rehearsal 6-8
did and hours more practiced
went to friends to help her with essay,
got back home at 11.50
did washing up/tidied up

and here i am... and i need to be practicing in college by 9 latest because i have a lesson at 10...

i do not know how i will get through tomorrow! coz then i neeed to practice, go to a lecture 1-3 practice a bit more and go to group at 6.15-7.15 and meet a friend at 9...

and to top it off, i have gone past the point of tiredness and feel like i could be up another few hours! perhaps i will knock myself out with puriton...!

food i have found hard, i feel like iv binged, but probably havent considering how busy i was.

i had
a slice of bread and an egg for breakfast
a timeout as a snack
a salad with chicken mayo for lunch
a caramel choccy bar and cheese/bacon wrap from greggs =-( after work
a little bit of omlet and a bread muffin at beccies
4 malteasers

it feels like a huge amount, but i cant tell weather thats normal. i dont normally snack (even though i know i should), nor would i normally have so much 'unhealthy' food in one day.

its silly because i know im wanting to restrict a lot.

had an appointment yesterday with someone from the CMHT finally, and it was acctually really good. the guy was lovely, and i acctually managed to talk properly, and cry... which i know sounds crazy but i dont cry infront of people normally, and usually i spend these appointments happy and bubbly and they wonder why i am there. he didnt dismiss anything, and also talked about recovery not being easy etc, and that that wasnt the real problem, and of course i would be finding it hard at the moment. he also acknowleged things in my past, which for some reason really helped. like he acknowleged the bullying being hard, and the stuff with my family, and that i couldnt possibly be happy having 'molded' myself into someone im not for other people, and i guess he is right. we also chatted about my music, and he said its another thing i kinda do for someone else, and that i wont feel comfortable performing until i make it my own (iv been trying to pin point why i hate performing infront of people for ages, and its coz i feel judged/ that i dont acheive anything anyway). i think he is the only person iv spoken to that has made this much sense.

he gave me the choice of when i wanted to see him next... i cant do decisions, and he ended up saying 'i dont finish work till 5, im happy to wait for an answer...(at 3)', so i finally said ummm i dont know, 2-3 weeks?! so he wrote 2-3 weeks on the appointment thing and the recepionist booked it for 3, which is fine coz i dont want to take up too much time
he also said i could do with long term therapy, but the nhs doesnt offer it anymore, so hopefully when my therapy comes through it will set me up and i can carry on on my own.

anyway i should really sleep,

night! x

=-I

feeling a bit crappy at the moment.

im just really struggling with food.
doing the whole walking around for 2 hours before being able to decide on lunch, and getting to obsessed with weight and shape.
i feel like im meant to look fine, so i do and then i get home and want to cry... i feel oddly unattached to myself. like i feel shit and upset, and at the same time im too far out to bother acctually crying, i just feel dull.

i cant stop looking at pictures from when i was thinner, and wishing i was back there, because in my head it would make it so much better. even tho i know, i will probably feel no better. its stupid because i look back longing to be there, and at the same time i look back and think i was too big anyway, and kick myself for recovering before i got down to where i wanted to be... not that i know where that was, i guess my head is saying i should have gotten to 5 and 1/2 stone before putting on weight, but then if i ha have been there it would have said 4.

its such a mind fucky 'illness'. i find it hard to accept that it is an illness, its just the way my head works.

i havent had a period in almost 5 months, and its pissing me off. you would think now im a normal weight they would be around, but it turns out its less regular now then it was before i put on weight. i dont know if i should tell someone or not, and weather it will make any difference.

there are so many thoughts going round my head. i dont know what to think. i keep telling everyone its great, and chatting to the other girls and making out like its all roses, and at the same time the longer it goes on the more i want to be out of this body. i dont know how to loose the feelings, so i keep busy, i practice all day, do as much stewarding as i can and constantly keep my mind busy at home watching things and doing art/puzzles till i sleep so that i dont have time to think. im scared to let myself stop because i dont know what to do with myself.

i look at becky, and see her do what i do, and i worry that she will go backwards, so im doubly happy around her.

iv just had enough.

feeling a little lonley

on the pluss side, my weight is back down to around 51kg, thank god.

i dont know, just feeling a little =-( at the moment.
im spending a lot of my time in college practicing, which is good, but my headaches are coming back again and its making me feel crappy.
had folk tonight which was fun, but feel a little like a social retard.

found eating quite hard today, kept staring at it, knowing i needed it, but feeling like i really really didnt.

boo =-(

grrrrr

why hello there lovely people,
how are you all?!!!

im in college again... practicing again... with pins n needles over my shoulder blade... again! im seriously considering investing in out of those home medics shiatsu massagers... anyone had one?
i figure in the long run it would acctually be better then trying to afford real massages :-?

practice is going ok, getting frustrated at a peace of Bach! so far i have it up 3 metronome marks from yesterday, but there is one little bit that is doing my head in! i always slow up there accidently, and dont bend my thumb properly, which supposedly means i have less contol, but i feel more out of control with my thumb bent!

hmmm, recorder speak, sorry!

hopefully heading to a friends later, he said he would massage my shoulder for me wooooop!!! :clap:

finding food hhhhaaaaarrrrd...
im still eating, its just my weight is STILL going up a lot, and i dont know what to do about it, its higher then its been since i was 12, and im really worried its going to keep going. my bmi is 22 now, which i can kinda deal with, aslong as it stays there. i just dont want it to keep going up and up :(

i feel a bit lost with what to do about it because i know i shouldnt cut down on food, but at the same time i think maybe im eating to much, but cant work out weather i think it, or ed thinks it.

im trying very hard to just ignore it, just not finding it easy :-?

anyway, should go practice more before college shuts, just needed a little rant! x

just incase anyone wants it...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Creative-Guide-Exploring-Your-Life/dp/1843108925/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294936703&sr=1-1

missing being ill...

well, the last few days have been a bit difficult...
one of the girls that was in when i first went into hospital is back in again (a different one to rosie). i know it sounds stupid, but part of me is jealouse. jealouse that she was aloud to get thin again, or that she almost killed herself with it (making her a 'better' anorexic then me?!). and maybe jealouse that she is getting help, and that im just waiting for nothing to come through as per usual.

im still going, and still eating *insert all anorexic thoughts about that one here*. my weight is still 50.5kg, and its still driving me mental, and i have absolutly no one to talk about things with.
i dont think im jealouse of her being in hospital, just that someone is helping her with it. i can see that i no longer need that intensive help, but something, some sort of continuity, or just a place to rant would be very useful. its frustrating that they treat the cause, and leave it. i mean its harder to keep things up when only the secondary bit has been treated, and as time goes on i find it harder and harder.

same old ranting i know, but i couldnt sleep last night because all things eating disorderd were shouting in my head. and today, all day and all evening, all things eating disordered have continued to shout.

on a less ed'd note, i gave blood for the second time today, noooo problem with iron levels at all, the needle was larger then i remembered tho!

anyway im off, speak soon x

cool vidio of my nanna...

i found it of her as a kid

A DANCING PRODIGY

a challenge for you, should you choose to accept it!!!

ok, so i got a book today, about learning who you are using creative means. (mostly because im interested in art/music therapy).

so, i will do a little at a time, and put it here, with the excercise questions, and my challenge to you, would be to do it along side me. how about it?!

the first excercise i did is...

who am i today?

write a paragraph to describe yourself.

Today i am a confused recovering anorexic. i play the recorder at music college, and my hobbies include learning the harp, messing around with art, and dancing (newly taken up). i am scared of who i am, and not sure how il turn out. i live on the edge just balanced towards recovery, but constantly dreaming of not eating again.

Describe yourself in one sentance.

Im a chatty, nutty, funny recorder playing music geek who secretly wishes she was a ballet dancer instead!


describe youself in one word and draw a picture/symbol that represents that word.

Nerves - with a :-s face by it.

next excercise is...

roles i play

write as many roles as you can think of that you play...

student, friend, helper, sister, daughter, grand daughter, cousin, lover, philosopher, debator, carer, musician, artist, dancer, actress, steward, defender, protector, logical voice of reason, dreamer, ice breaker, camper, animal lover, film buff.

choose your faveorite 2 roles and write a paragraph about why you enjoy each role.

Debator - being able to play too my strengths and think outside the box by discussing anything and everything! i love being talkative, and its one thing i feel confident and able in. i like acheiving, and no one has ever told me i cant debate!

protector - i want to help people and by fighting their corner, i can do what no one did for me. i beleive everyone should have someone who cares, and i feel privalaged and thankful when i can play that role. what goes aroung comes around, and i guess i hope one day, someone will protect me too.


so, if you take up the challenge, do the excercises along with me x

positive post!

well, i was just looking through my memory box, and you know, i am glad i have kept one!
i guess you only remember the shit, especially when there was lots of it, but looking through that has made me realise that there were some good bits to.

its also made me aweare of just how much i acheived when i was younger! you know, i have loads of positive school reports, and considering i was struggliing with dyslexia and bullying, i did damn well!
i got into loads of music things, and good reports and grades in music exams, took 3 shows to edinburgh, got into 4 music colleges in total (including the royal college)... i even had a comment on my work experiance form of 'charlotte should be a teacher!!!' when i was helping at a special needs school.
i also, have a surprising amount of cards from people... yes, school wasnt fun, but for breif periods of time i had the odd friend, and although they ended badley, why dont i try and remember the good bits too?!

i dont know, i guess its just time to find the positives. i have wasted so much time being upset over how shit things have been, but why am i still making myself feel like shit? i know now, i have to work through things, and ptsd, anorexia/bulimia, self harm and depression are crappy and will take some working, but its possible...

i found 2 letters id written in 6th form, 1 was in 10 years if i stayed the same, and the other was if i changed, and you know, the changing one sure looks like a lot more fun in the long run, and its not too late to do it.

i need to focus on other things, and just keep going.

and you know, im kinda proud of this entry too!!! x

a reminder to myself...

that its really not all as black and white as it looks.

keep it up for one more day, then you can re-evaluate and make a decision.
no point rushing into things, take your time and let things settle, then you can make your choices.
there is so much more to life than this.
you are capable of getting what you want, of acheiving anything (within reason...!)

just one more day.