=-I

feeling a bit crappy at the moment.

im just really struggling with food.
doing the whole walking around for 2 hours before being able to decide on lunch, and getting to obsessed with weight and shape.
i feel like im meant to look fine, so i do and then i get home and want to cry... i feel oddly unattached to myself. like i feel shit and upset, and at the same time im too far out to bother acctually crying, i just feel dull.

i cant stop looking at pictures from when i was thinner, and wishing i was back there, because in my head it would make it so much better. even tho i know, i will probably feel no better. its stupid because i look back longing to be there, and at the same time i look back and think i was too big anyway, and kick myself for recovering before i got down to where i wanted to be... not that i know where that was, i guess my head is saying i should have gotten to 5 and 1/2 stone before putting on weight, but then if i ha have been there it would have said 4.

its such a mind fucky 'illness'. i find it hard to accept that it is an illness, its just the way my head works.

i havent had a period in almost 5 months, and its pissing me off. you would think now im a normal weight they would be around, but it turns out its less regular now then it was before i put on weight. i dont know if i should tell someone or not, and weather it will make any difference.

there are so many thoughts going round my head. i dont know what to think. i keep telling everyone its great, and chatting to the other girls and making out like its all roses, and at the same time the longer it goes on the more i want to be out of this body. i dont know how to loose the feelings, so i keep busy, i practice all day, do as much stewarding as i can and constantly keep my mind busy at home watching things and doing art/puzzles till i sleep so that i dont have time to think. im scared to let myself stop because i dont know what to do with myself.

i look at becky, and see her do what i do, and i worry that she will go backwards, so im doubly happy around her.

iv just had enough.