recorder news!

ok, so the only thing that has cheered me up today is that i am finally getting my recorder back... 2 months late, but it will be her hopefully in a few days!!!

that has made me happy.

today has been nuts, i...

woke up at 7
was in college by half 9
practiced till 12
worked from then till 6
had a folk rehearsal 6-8
did and hours more practiced
went to friends to help her with essay,
got back home at 11.50
did washing up/tidied up

and here i am... and i need to be practicing in college by 9 latest because i have a lesson at 10...

i do not know how i will get through tomorrow! coz then i neeed to practice, go to a lecture 1-3 practice a bit more and go to group at 6.15-7.15 and meet a friend at 9...

and to top it off, i have gone past the point of tiredness and feel like i could be up another few hours! perhaps i will knock myself out with puriton...!

food i have found hard, i feel like iv binged, but probably havent considering how busy i was.

i had
a slice of bread and an egg for breakfast
a timeout as a snack
a salad with chicken mayo for lunch
a caramel choccy bar and cheese/bacon wrap from greggs =-( after work
a little bit of omlet and a bread muffin at beccies
4 malteasers

it feels like a huge amount, but i cant tell weather thats normal. i dont normally snack (even though i know i should), nor would i normally have so much 'unhealthy' food in one day.

its silly because i know im wanting to restrict a lot.

had an appointment yesterday with someone from the CMHT finally, and it was acctually really good. the guy was lovely, and i acctually managed to talk properly, and cry... which i know sounds crazy but i dont cry infront of people normally, and usually i spend these appointments happy and bubbly and they wonder why i am there. he didnt dismiss anything, and also talked about recovery not being easy etc, and that that wasnt the real problem, and of course i would be finding it hard at the moment. he also acknowleged things in my past, which for some reason really helped. like he acknowleged the bullying being hard, and the stuff with my family, and that i couldnt possibly be happy having 'molded' myself into someone im not for other people, and i guess he is right. we also chatted about my music, and he said its another thing i kinda do for someone else, and that i wont feel comfortable performing until i make it my own (iv been trying to pin point why i hate performing infront of people for ages, and its coz i feel judged/ that i dont acheive anything anyway). i think he is the only person iv spoken to that has made this much sense.

he gave me the choice of when i wanted to see him next... i cant do decisions, and he ended up saying 'i dont finish work till 5, im happy to wait for an answer...(at 3)', so i finally said ummm i dont know, 2-3 weeks?! so he wrote 2-3 weeks on the appointment thing and the recepionist booked it for 3, which is fine coz i dont want to take up too much time
he also said i could do with long term therapy, but the nhs doesnt offer it anymore, so hopefully when my therapy comes through it will set me up and i can carry on on my own.

anyway i should really sleep,

night! x