hello,
well, im feeling a little mixed today.
im finding it hard seeing myself. i keep looking down at my thighs and seeing them as absolutly massive (as in like obese), and looking in the mirror and seeing myself as a giant, but then i know it cant be like that. i dont know how too see myself as normal. every now and then i catch a glimpse of myself as a little thinner, and i do a double take and its back to where i was.
iv had a very busy day, rehearsals, steward training, and a concert.
met up with dad which was nice, he came for the concert, and he took me for dinner. i had every intention of keeping it, it was only sushi, but i just couldnt do it. got back too college and threw it up.
i make myself angry.
i just want to go a day. i want to eat, and not think about it. i want to sit down and eat what i feel like eating. i want to chat and laugh and have a good time. i just want one day of freedom.
i had an appointment with lydia who does mental health stuff at uni. she will hopefully help me with sorting things out with uni etc, see what i can get help with, and give me a little more support.
sarah finally started talking too me at the pub tonight, so im fingers crossed that maybe it will be ok between us again.
have eaten-
1 nutri grain bar (130)
a little bit of a fairy cake (60ish)
hungarian goulash from eat (213)
a little icecream (100ish)
alcohol (400)
total 903 pluss sushi i threw up.
why does it feel so much? it isnt any where near enough, but i cant cope with it. i wish i could.
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Sunday, 20 June 2010
officially single again =-s
well, i finally broke it off with lewis.
i am feeling a little sad, but also a little releived.
it wasnt working, it was stressing me out, and i couldnt be myself around him. i couldnt do what i wanted because he always wanted too get his own way, and i couldnt talk too him about how i have been feeling, and as paddy pointed out, it should be my boyfriend that i can talk too.
iv not really eaten enough i dont thing - some cerial, a 94kcal pack of crisps, some salad and a couple of small slices of a small pizza. i wasnt going too eat the pizza, but i guess its not as bad as my head is making out.
right now my head is in a 'too binge or not too binge' mode. its not that i want a binge, its that i know i should eat more, but i also know i would throw it up.
i have already been stupid and self harmed today, just after i split up with him, but i guess thats not a surprise really.
i am feeling a little sad, but also a little releived.
it wasnt working, it was stressing me out, and i couldnt be myself around him. i couldnt do what i wanted because he always wanted too get his own way, and i couldnt talk too him about how i have been feeling, and as paddy pointed out, it should be my boyfriend that i can talk too.
iv not really eaten enough i dont thing - some cerial, a 94kcal pack of crisps, some salad and a couple of small slices of a small pizza. i wasnt going too eat the pizza, but i guess its not as bad as my head is making out.
right now my head is in a 'too binge or not too binge' mode. its not that i want a binge, its that i know i should eat more, but i also know i would throw it up.
i have already been stupid and self harmed today, just after i split up with him, but i guess thats not a surprise really.
Friday, 18 June 2010
what a mixed day!
well ive been having a very mixed time latley,
i think my depression is back, as i cant seem too go a day without crying at least twice. today i thought i wasnt going to stop!
yesterday i went out for recorder night out... i basically paid £12 to have a crap time! didnt want the food, had an argument with sarah (well kinda, she still isnt speaking too me and has accused me of bitching behind her back, which is rubbish!) and burst into tears twice because i had had a shit day anyway!
today had a bit more of an argument with her, and i ended up being childish, which i regret (told her she was being an idiot), basically i had asked if we could chat and sort things out, and she said she didnt see the point and didnt need to chat... needless to say im fed up and pissed off because we have to work together, and i thought we were good friends.
i guess its that im finding hardest- every time i think i have made a friend, something happens and it all goes wrong. i dont know what i do, or how i do it, but i am incapable of having normal friendships... yet another reason ed is here. it makes me feel like shit that i have a natural ability too either piss people off or drive them away without realising it. i dont even know what on earth has gone on with me n sarah.
had an assesment with lisa today, and she was lovely...tho i have had too book another apointment because we hadent finished in one!!!
having looked at what she had written she said that it was no wonder that i am how i am... dont know weather too be releived that im not an attention seeking poo, or sad that thats the case!
she is the first person that has acknowleged how the bullying has affected me. i was brushing it all off, and she stopped me doing that... she thought it was a seriouse thing, which no one has ever thought. usually people think its just a bit of bullying and your week if you let it affect you, she was shocked at what id told her, and i didnt even go into much detail.
also having gone into the family history a little, she said it was likely from that that i could have developed some problems (expectations, food issues, depression all running etc), and we havent gone into it much yet!
she has also told me she is around for me too talk to, and if i need 5 min with her, i can ask the people at daycare too call up and ask for me, rather then wait for our next alotted slot. she was so lovely, im in shock!!!
im feeling very down a lot of the time, and i cant seem too shake it off. i wish i could, but it seems too stay no matter what. its just like im stuck in a grey patch - everyone else is able to have bright colerful happy days, but i just seem to be stuck, i cant get myself out of it.
it always creeps up on me, like iv been feeling down for a while, and then suddenly il notice im exhausted and i cant stop crying and that i cant feel happy or excited.
i called the mental health advisor at uni today and have arranged an appointment for tuesday with her, she suggested it after i told her what was going on, and has said maybe they can put something in place untill i start getting therapy.
i know i should tell my doctor, or the people at the unit, but i just dont know what too say to them, im scared they will think im lying, or that its silly too mention it.
on the pluss side, i did some medeival music today, and that helped calm me down! x
i think my depression is back, as i cant seem too go a day without crying at least twice. today i thought i wasnt going to stop!
yesterday i went out for recorder night out... i basically paid £12 to have a crap time! didnt want the food, had an argument with sarah (well kinda, she still isnt speaking too me and has accused me of bitching behind her back, which is rubbish!) and burst into tears twice because i had had a shit day anyway!
today had a bit more of an argument with her, and i ended up being childish, which i regret (told her she was being an idiot), basically i had asked if we could chat and sort things out, and she said she didnt see the point and didnt need to chat... needless to say im fed up and pissed off because we have to work together, and i thought we were good friends.
i guess its that im finding hardest- every time i think i have made a friend, something happens and it all goes wrong. i dont know what i do, or how i do it, but i am incapable of having normal friendships... yet another reason ed is here. it makes me feel like shit that i have a natural ability too either piss people off or drive them away without realising it. i dont even know what on earth has gone on with me n sarah.
had an assesment with lisa today, and she was lovely...tho i have had too book another apointment because we hadent finished in one!!!
having looked at what she had written she said that it was no wonder that i am how i am... dont know weather too be releived that im not an attention seeking poo, or sad that thats the case!
she is the first person that has acknowleged how the bullying has affected me. i was brushing it all off, and she stopped me doing that... she thought it was a seriouse thing, which no one has ever thought. usually people think its just a bit of bullying and your week if you let it affect you, she was shocked at what id told her, and i didnt even go into much detail.
also having gone into the family history a little, she said it was likely from that that i could have developed some problems (expectations, food issues, depression all running etc), and we havent gone into it much yet!
she has also told me she is around for me too talk to, and if i need 5 min with her, i can ask the people at daycare too call up and ask for me, rather then wait for our next alotted slot. she was so lovely, im in shock!!!
im feeling very down a lot of the time, and i cant seem too shake it off. i wish i could, but it seems too stay no matter what. its just like im stuck in a grey patch - everyone else is able to have bright colerful happy days, but i just seem to be stuck, i cant get myself out of it.
it always creeps up on me, like iv been feeling down for a while, and then suddenly il notice im exhausted and i cant stop crying and that i cant feel happy or excited.
i called the mental health advisor at uni today and have arranged an appointment for tuesday with her, she suggested it after i told her what was going on, and has said maybe they can put something in place untill i start getting therapy.
i know i should tell my doctor, or the people at the unit, but i just dont know what too say to them, im scared they will think im lying, or that its silly too mention it.
on the pluss side, i did some medeival music today, and that helped calm me down! x
Monday, 14 June 2010
what a day!
goodness, well as far s nuts days go, today ranks pretty highly!
so first, i burst into uncontrolable tears in group and walk out (got too love them feelings!), end up with ann talking at me, and finally stopping just in time for snacks.
then i get accused of throwing up in the toilet there... now lets be seriouse about this, i have gotten this far, would i really bother now?! AND if i was going to throw up there, would i really be stupid enough to do it in the toilet and not clean it up properly?!!! (turns out it was the new girl)
then we all had our bags searched for alcohol because the nutter people running it thought it smelt of it (non of us could smell it, and surprise surprise there was no alcohol!)
my dad wont sort out the things he needs too for me getting the flat, and keeps asking why that one... i have 2 and 1/2 weeks to sort it all, why bloody not that one?!!!
just very very stressed!
the only redeeming feature too the day is that i got the stewarding job at college, so hopefully il be able to make some money.
im in such a bad mood constantly at the moment, and i feel awful for it. i dont mean to snap at people but im feeling impatiant, and then they ask silly questions or say sily things and i get really annoyed. my poor mother is getting that side a lot because she sais things that dont need to be reiterated the 6th time, and whilst normally i could ignore it, its driving me up the wall at the moment!
i guess im scared and annoyed. im frustrated at my self for not having found a reason too recover... i know i could do it, i just cant find the motivation too do it now. its too scary, and im too much of a wimp too step outside my nice little box, even tho i know it destroys everything. the logical side is screaming in its loudest voice at the rest of me, too just do it, but i cant seem to find a way to do what it sais. its like there is a big wall and i just cant comprehend a way of getting too the other side. i just cant see a way out at the moment =-(
i need someone too talk to about how im feeling, i miss having a counceler, not having one at the moment is possibly the worst thing ever, because its now more then ever before that i have needed space to just talk through what ever the hell is in my head, and find a way to untangle it. i feel like i dont have a real support network around me - i dont have friends face too face too talk to about stuff (the girls at the place i dont like moaning too because i know how they feel, and people at college i dont really see), i dont have a counceler and i dont have anyone with either a magic wand, or an endless supply of hugs and tissues!
i am also awear how hard it is for some of my closer ed related friends too talk too me when im in this space, so i dont really have them either... not that i blame them, as i want them to stay safe, just miss the chats!
it seems like im walking down a path and i know im headed for a big hole, but i am just carrying on, because what else can i do? i guess its better then not knowing the hole is their at all.
if anyone finds my sanity, please post it back ASAP...
so first, i burst into uncontrolable tears in group and walk out (got too love them feelings!), end up with ann talking at me, and finally stopping just in time for snacks.
then i get accused of throwing up in the toilet there... now lets be seriouse about this, i have gotten this far, would i really bother now?! AND if i was going to throw up there, would i really be stupid enough to do it in the toilet and not clean it up properly?!!! (turns out it was the new girl)
then we all had our bags searched for alcohol because the nutter people running it thought it smelt of it (non of us could smell it, and surprise surprise there was no alcohol!)
my dad wont sort out the things he needs too for me getting the flat, and keeps asking why that one... i have 2 and 1/2 weeks to sort it all, why bloody not that one?!!!
just very very stressed!
the only redeeming feature too the day is that i got the stewarding job at college, so hopefully il be able to make some money.
im in such a bad mood constantly at the moment, and i feel awful for it. i dont mean to snap at people but im feeling impatiant, and then they ask silly questions or say sily things and i get really annoyed. my poor mother is getting that side a lot because she sais things that dont need to be reiterated the 6th time, and whilst normally i could ignore it, its driving me up the wall at the moment!
i guess im scared and annoyed. im frustrated at my self for not having found a reason too recover... i know i could do it, i just cant find the motivation too do it now. its too scary, and im too much of a wimp too step outside my nice little box, even tho i know it destroys everything. the logical side is screaming in its loudest voice at the rest of me, too just do it, but i cant seem to find a way to do what it sais. its like there is a big wall and i just cant comprehend a way of getting too the other side. i just cant see a way out at the moment =-(
i need someone too talk to about how im feeling, i miss having a counceler, not having one at the moment is possibly the worst thing ever, because its now more then ever before that i have needed space to just talk through what ever the hell is in my head, and find a way to untangle it. i feel like i dont have a real support network around me - i dont have friends face too face too talk to about stuff (the girls at the place i dont like moaning too because i know how they feel, and people at college i dont really see), i dont have a counceler and i dont have anyone with either a magic wand, or an endless supply of hugs and tissues!
i am also awear how hard it is for some of my closer ed related friends too talk too me when im in this space, so i dont really have them either... not that i blame them, as i want them to stay safe, just miss the chats!
it seems like im walking down a path and i know im headed for a big hole, but i am just carrying on, because what else can i do? i guess its better then not knowing the hole is their at all.
if anyone finds my sanity, please post it back ASAP...
Sunday, 13 June 2010
good evening
hello hello,
well im still up, and should be in bed, but a little hooked on suger rush at the moment, and cant stop watching it... oops!
iv found today hard with food, not sure if iv eaten enough, feels like i have had enough for the entire week, but i kknow im oftenn very wrong!
keep being paranoid about being fat, and about annoying people. finding it very hard to hang out incase i piss people off, which is stuid because im sure they would tell me!
anyway, should go too sleep, will say more tomorrow xxx
well im still up, and should be in bed, but a little hooked on suger rush at the moment, and cant stop watching it... oops!
iv found today hard with food, not sure if iv eaten enough, feels like i have had enough for the entire week, but i kknow im oftenn very wrong!
keep being paranoid about being fat, and about annoying people. finding it very hard to hang out incase i piss people off, which is stuid because im sure they would tell me!
anyway, should go too sleep, will say more tomorrow xxx
Thursday, 10 June 2010
another day in the nut house
hello,
iv been meaning to update for ages, but my heads been rather messy and i havent been sure where too start!
today was a rather tough day. we had body image group, which somehow led on to ann asking me 'if you carried on like this, and starved yourself, you would eventually die... does that not matter too you?, and in all honesty, no, it doesnt.
i wish it did, and i feel very very guilty for feeling that it doesnt, but i guess its something im used too. i know i wont die soon, and i know i have always kept above a seriouse point with it, and i know that i will be able to for a long time to come. its not a life i want, but its the life i seem to have, and as of yet, cant see a way to change it.
i did write the place a letter, and gave it too them, too explain why i was coming accross as unwilling to change, and they appreciated it. i have a therapy assesment next week some time with a person called lisa, and i have been told that if there is anything else i need to talk about, i am more then welcome to write it down...kinda wish i had of done it earlier really!
they said that day care is just the begining of treatment, and i will have ongoing care, which is good to know!
i should go and see lewis, but i thought id catch up xxx
iv been meaning to update for ages, but my heads been rather messy and i havent been sure where too start!
today was a rather tough day. we had body image group, which somehow led on to ann asking me 'if you carried on like this, and starved yourself, you would eventually die... does that not matter too you?, and in all honesty, no, it doesnt.
i wish it did, and i feel very very guilty for feeling that it doesnt, but i guess its something im used too. i know i wont die soon, and i know i have always kept above a seriouse point with it, and i know that i will be able to for a long time to come. its not a life i want, but its the life i seem to have, and as of yet, cant see a way to change it.
i did write the place a letter, and gave it too them, too explain why i was coming accross as unwilling to change, and they appreciated it. i have a therapy assesment next week some time with a person called lisa, and i have been told that if there is anything else i need to talk about, i am more then welcome to write it down...kinda wish i had of done it earlier really!
they said that day care is just the begining of treatment, and i will have ongoing care, which is good to know!
i should go and see lewis, but i thought id catch up xxx
Saturday, 5 June 2010
what a day!
hello!
well, today has been challenging to say the least!
i had too cook, and eat curry today...that being a food i havent kept down in years. i was trying to work out what was so scary about it, and i think it was the fact that it used to be a pleasent food. i think it is scary to let my self enjoy a food, and curry seems so indulgent that it makes me feel greedy.
yesterday was tough. i had my review (we have one every week), and they hinted at 'was i finding it useful' etc. they are annoyed because since being there i have lost weight, not gained it. i think they think im not trying.
the truth is, i want too do this. i really want too, but i am too scared of failing at it. im scared of starting to really try, because then if i fail, it will be my own stupid fault. im scared that im not capable of escaping this, and finding that out feels like too much. what if im like this for ever? i know how much i hurt people around me, and how selfish i am. i know im horrible because i cant seem to care enough too change it, and the idea that i will never change seems unbearable, yet so scary too find out that id rather not test the waters.
im so frustrated at myself. i have 4 weeks left, but i dont know how too try. i dont know how to change how i think, how too let things go, how to stop being too scared too try. i feel like il be stuck like this forever, and i feel so selfish for not being able to stop this. i know how much it hurts people, how ems seems so upset when i come home having lost weight, and how hopeful she is now iv started day care, but in all honesty, i dont feel able to change. im selfish and horrible, and any person in their right mind could see what they were doing and stop, but i just cant seem to work out how.
i just feel useless and helpless. i want a life, i want kids, i want a family, im just so stuck that i cant beleive it will ever happen.
i want a new head =-(
i tried to talk about it today, but im not sure anyone really took much notice, and i dont think it will help. i can see myself coming out of here and carrying on as i was. which is scary.
although part of me wants too loose weight, the rest of me wants too live.
i hope that one day soon something will get through. i really hope it will.
well, today has been challenging to say the least!
i had too cook, and eat curry today...that being a food i havent kept down in years. i was trying to work out what was so scary about it, and i think it was the fact that it used to be a pleasent food. i think it is scary to let my self enjoy a food, and curry seems so indulgent that it makes me feel greedy.
yesterday was tough. i had my review (we have one every week), and they hinted at 'was i finding it useful' etc. they are annoyed because since being there i have lost weight, not gained it. i think they think im not trying.
the truth is, i want too do this. i really want too, but i am too scared of failing at it. im scared of starting to really try, because then if i fail, it will be my own stupid fault. im scared that im not capable of escaping this, and finding that out feels like too much. what if im like this for ever? i know how much i hurt people around me, and how selfish i am. i know im horrible because i cant seem to care enough too change it, and the idea that i will never change seems unbearable, yet so scary too find out that id rather not test the waters.
im so frustrated at myself. i have 4 weeks left, but i dont know how too try. i dont know how to change how i think, how too let things go, how to stop being too scared too try. i feel like il be stuck like this forever, and i feel so selfish for not being able to stop this. i know how much it hurts people, how ems seems so upset when i come home having lost weight, and how hopeful she is now iv started day care, but in all honesty, i dont feel able to change. im selfish and horrible, and any person in their right mind could see what they were doing and stop, but i just cant seem to work out how.
i just feel useless and helpless. i want a life, i want kids, i want a family, im just so stuck that i cant beleive it will ever happen.
i want a new head =-(
i tried to talk about it today, but im not sure anyone really took much notice, and i dont think it will help. i can see myself coming out of here and carrying on as i was. which is scary.
although part of me wants too loose weight, the rest of me wants too live.
i hope that one day soon something will get through. i really hope it will.
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
yet another fantastic day
not!
cant remember my last post, but basically rebecca isnt moving, and sarah has told me she doesnt want to live with me...thus i have no housemate and no house, and a month in which to find both.
i panicked over breakfast and walked out - ange was lovely and persuaded me to go back in, but i have been in a shit mood all day. just angry and frustrated. emma didnt help with her talk in group - 'well something must have happened' and 'can you think of anything'... thanks, as if i didnt already feel shit enough!
have rehearsals with sarah this weekend, and i dont want them.also have a lesson tomorrow, and havent done any practice, im useless at the moment, cant concentrate on anything.
still scared of weight gain and get weighed tomorrow. scared of eating, and feeling like a pie.
phone is dyeing, and cant afford a new one, nor my rent, and have been told not too get a job, so not sure how this is going to work out!
all in all a pants day, and probably another one tomorrow... fun.
cant remember my last post, but basically rebecca isnt moving, and sarah has told me she doesnt want to live with me...thus i have no housemate and no house, and a month in which to find both.
i panicked over breakfast and walked out - ange was lovely and persuaded me to go back in, but i have been in a shit mood all day. just angry and frustrated. emma didnt help with her talk in group - 'well something must have happened' and 'can you think of anything'... thanks, as if i didnt already feel shit enough!
have rehearsals with sarah this weekend, and i dont want them.also have a lesson tomorrow, and havent done any practice, im useless at the moment, cant concentrate on anything.
still scared of weight gain and get weighed tomorrow. scared of eating, and feeling like a pie.
phone is dyeing, and cant afford a new one, nor my rent, and have been told not too get a job, so not sure how this is going to work out!
all in all a pants day, and probably another one tomorrow... fun.
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
bloody mooving
well since becca has been indicisive, it appears that sarah now doesnt want to live with me, i dont quite know what i have done, but she isnt really talking too me properly, and i have a feeling im going to be finding a place alone.
typical that somehow it all fucks up and im left with no where to live and no one too live with. i cant help wondering if its me and what iv done.
ofcourse my immediate reaction to this is to want to throw up food or not eat it at all and excercise, but that wont be very productive.
='-(
typical that somehow it all fucks up and im left with no where to live and no one too live with. i cant help wondering if its me and what iv done.
ofcourse my immediate reaction to this is to want to throw up food or not eat it at all and excercise, but that wont be very productive.
='-(
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