hello lovely people,
wellll, how am i feeling?
that is an interesting question, and even i am not sure!
all in all i think im happy to be leaving, i mean, i much prefer life outside, but there are a feww little things im iffy about...
the first, and biggest, is that i feel like a rather large hippo, and am not coping very well with it.
ed is screaming his head off trying to make me stop eating, and iv been tempted by him a lot the last 3 days.
i have eaten what feels like a mountain full of food, but i know it cant be as much as all that, but i am feeling so guilty.
i popped into urban coffee today, and it was nice to be in there, but feels weird being around it.
everything feels strange.
im a bit worried about what i will do when im out. i have no really strong plans, other then that i think i am taking a gap year.
i am all fine when im around people, but its when im alone i find it hard.
thats nothing new, i guess im just used to being around people 24/7 now, and its odd being back alone again.
i wanted my mum to come up on wednesday, but she cant because she doesnt want to mess around her pupils. its probably just as well, as i may be in a bad mood, but i guess i kind of wanted someone round to give me a hug =-(
she keeps going on about me going back home, but i can not be bothered with it, dont really want to i dont think.
i dont know, im all mixed, endings are never easy, even if it does mean i can do my own thing.
=-s
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Thursday, 28 October 2010
in the lead up to discharge...eeek?!
okkkkk
so, its my last lot of weekend leave, which means i only have another 2 days of ip till discharge.
to say im nerves is a little bit of an understatement, but thats pretty natural.
its weird because it doesnt feel like iv been in, but doesnt feel like iv been out in the outside world either, its a bit like iv been in no mans ground.
i think im nerves about the social scean, i have been pretty quiet, and im scared of getting back in touch with people, as i have all my usual fears of not being liked etc.
i tried to go out last weekend, but felt so shitty after, only because im so worried everyone hates me.
today was pretty hard.
some twat in ip called brian is the most self ritiouse person i have ever met, and told me i was 'an attention seeking diva'... this is probably one of the best insults anyone could chuck at me ever, and i ended up crying for a good few hours. the joke of it was, i got told off for calling him a twat when i walked out of group, even tho he said way more then that to me. not one of the staff asked if i was ok, just told me 'you should think about what you said and weather it is a useful reaction etc etc'. no 'charlotte, i can see you are upset would you like to talk'. and then when i refused to go into group, they told me i should calm down and go in later, and 'we cant give you a one to one because your meant to be in group, its your choice'... so then i purged to calm down ( on water?!) and went back. when asked later how i calmed down, they seemed a bit arsy about it. what did they expect? its not like i could remove myself from the situation, and its not like anyone would help me talk things through.
on the up side, i had a massage with rose again, and she was lovely. as soon as i walked in she asked what was wrong (apparently she could see in my aura that something wasnt good?!) and we had a good chat. she has given me her number and i will hopefully pop in and see her soon. maybe next thursday or the one after. she said i can go and have a massage and that she wants to keep in touch.
gaaaaaah i dont know, feeling pants at the moment, when o when will these anti depressants kick in?! =-(
so, its my last lot of weekend leave, which means i only have another 2 days of ip till discharge.
to say im nerves is a little bit of an understatement, but thats pretty natural.
its weird because it doesnt feel like iv been in, but doesnt feel like iv been out in the outside world either, its a bit like iv been in no mans ground.
i think im nerves about the social scean, i have been pretty quiet, and im scared of getting back in touch with people, as i have all my usual fears of not being liked etc.
i tried to go out last weekend, but felt so shitty after, only because im so worried everyone hates me.
today was pretty hard.
some twat in ip called brian is the most self ritiouse person i have ever met, and told me i was 'an attention seeking diva'... this is probably one of the best insults anyone could chuck at me ever, and i ended up crying for a good few hours. the joke of it was, i got told off for calling him a twat when i walked out of group, even tho he said way more then that to me. not one of the staff asked if i was ok, just told me 'you should think about what you said and weather it is a useful reaction etc etc'. no 'charlotte, i can see you are upset would you like to talk'. and then when i refused to go into group, they told me i should calm down and go in later, and 'we cant give you a one to one because your meant to be in group, its your choice'... so then i purged to calm down ( on water?!) and went back. when asked later how i calmed down, they seemed a bit arsy about it. what did they expect? its not like i could remove myself from the situation, and its not like anyone would help me talk things through.
on the up side, i had a massage with rose again, and she was lovely. as soon as i walked in she asked what was wrong (apparently she could see in my aura that something wasnt good?!) and we had a good chat. she has given me her number and i will hopefully pop in and see her soon. maybe next thursday or the one after. she said i can go and have a massage and that she wants to keep in touch.
gaaaaaah i dont know, feeling pants at the moment, when o when will these anti depressants kick in?! =-(
Sunday, 24 October 2010
evening...
well, how do i describe how i am feeling?
i dont think low or shit really covers it.
i just want it all to stop.
iv had enough of feeling this way. iv had enough of arguing with myself constantly, and iv had enough of feeling like im about to split apart.
i dont know how to say how im feeling, because i dont really know.
all i know is that i just want to cry all the time, and i am desperate to stop eating just to give myself a break.
its a constant conversation...
'im hungry, no your not. just have something small, you cant, your fat. so what, who cares? i do, your disgusting. you make me want to be sick just looking at you, and there is only one way you can fix that. im going to eat because i need it, fine, il make you eat more, just to make you feel bad, then you will listen to me and get on with loosing weight. i dont need to loose weight yes you do, your nasty everyone else sais i look fine they are just lieing, it makes them feel better if they are around fat people, they just want to make you fat so they can feel better. they will hate you anyway... SHUT UP!!!
i have been so confused today, there are too many pointless numbers going around my head. calories calories calories.
i have had to much, and i have over excercised and cut because of it. i dont know why... im not even sure if its punishment or just to try and keep me sain. if it wasnt for the fact i know il gain water weight, i would have thrown up too.
my weight keeps going up, even tho they told me it didnt matter. it wont stop going, and i have asked them to take something out of my diet, and all they have said is 'if you didnt have an eating disorder it wouldnt bother you, and your still a underweight anyway so it doesnt matter...' YES IT DOES.
i have no proof that i can eat without gaining weight, which is so stupid, because what are they expecting to happen? i cant let it go up any more, so i cant eat this much, but they wont help me learn how to maintain it, and its just making me panick.
i dont know what to do wiith myself, everything i do feels wrong, and i cant keep going, i cant cope with it.
i dont think i care if i get better or if i die, i just need it to shut up and give me a break.
:'(
i dont think low or shit really covers it.
i just want it all to stop.
iv had enough of feeling this way. iv had enough of arguing with myself constantly, and iv had enough of feeling like im about to split apart.
i dont know how to say how im feeling, because i dont really know.
all i know is that i just want to cry all the time, and i am desperate to stop eating just to give myself a break.
its a constant conversation...
'im hungry, no your not. just have something small, you cant, your fat. so what, who cares? i do, your disgusting. you make me want to be sick just looking at you, and there is only one way you can fix that. im going to eat because i need it, fine, il make you eat more, just to make you feel bad, then you will listen to me and get on with loosing weight. i dont need to loose weight yes you do, your nasty everyone else sais i look fine they are just lieing, it makes them feel better if they are around fat people, they just want to make you fat so they can feel better. they will hate you anyway... SHUT UP!!!
i have been so confused today, there are too many pointless numbers going around my head. calories calories calories.
i have had to much, and i have over excercised and cut because of it. i dont know why... im not even sure if its punishment or just to try and keep me sain. if it wasnt for the fact i know il gain water weight, i would have thrown up too.
my weight keeps going up, even tho they told me it didnt matter. it wont stop going, and i have asked them to take something out of my diet, and all they have said is 'if you didnt have an eating disorder it wouldnt bother you, and your still a underweight anyway so it doesnt matter...' YES IT DOES.
i have no proof that i can eat without gaining weight, which is so stupid, because what are they expecting to happen? i cant let it go up any more, so i cant eat this much, but they wont help me learn how to maintain it, and its just making me panick.
i dont know what to do wiith myself, everything i do feels wrong, and i cant keep going, i cant cope with it.
i dont think i care if i get better or if i die, i just need it to shut up and give me a break.
:'(
Sunday, 17 October 2010
helloooo
not really posted for a while, mainly due to my internet screwing up.
not much happening, my discharge date is the 3rd of november now, which is cool,
mostly doing rehab stuff.
my head is still in a mess, feeling like a right big fatty, and cant help wanting to loose weight. the frustrating thing is i now get hungry, which makes things harder/easier depending on which way you look at it.
fed up of being such a dick about things, but all i can think about is loosing weight and getting thin. even tho i know it wont help and wont lead me anywhere.]
on the up side, i have told them i am not seeing pam, and am being put back on the waiting list for individual therapy. i dont know how long itl take, but at least i wont be seeing fuckface again! im very happy about that.
meant to be having support from the CMT once i leave, tho that was meant to happen after day care n it didnt, so i dont really know how much support il get. not that it matters, what happens happens xxx
not really posted for a while, mainly due to my internet screwing up.
not much happening, my discharge date is the 3rd of november now, which is cool,
mostly doing rehab stuff.
my head is still in a mess, feeling like a right big fatty, and cant help wanting to loose weight. the frustrating thing is i now get hungry, which makes things harder/easier depending on which way you look at it.
fed up of being such a dick about things, but all i can think about is loosing weight and getting thin. even tho i know it wont help and wont lead me anywhere.]
on the up side, i have told them i am not seeing pam, and am being put back on the waiting list for individual therapy. i dont know how long itl take, but at least i wont be seeing fuckface again! im very happy about that.
meant to be having support from the CMT once i leave, tho that was meant to happen after day care n it didnt, so i dont really know how much support il get. not that it matters, what happens happens xxx
Saturday, 16 October 2010
Letter to 7 year old Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
well, where do i start?
i have been angry at you for many years.
i was angry that you couldnt fit in, that you were stupid, that you tried so hard but never succeeded, but most of all, that no matter what you did, you couldnt make things better.i blamed you for not beang able to cope, to just get on with things.
After all, other people have it worse.
Looking at this aged 22, i have started to realise these views arent really fair. you were just a child. i wouldnt turn around to another 7 year old and tell her to just deal with it. i wouldnt expect her to, because no one should. That child should be cared for and supported, not blamed for its situation. I guess its not you i should be angry at.
It should be the people around you. The people who chased you, called you names, beat you up. The people who ignored you, who whispered constantly and who couldnt see that you were just another kid, just like any other. I should be angry at your teachers for not seeing, or not wanting to help. Who hurt you just as much in the classroom as the children did at break. I should be angry at your parents for not making things better. for not holding you close and telling you everything would be alright. I should be angry at those 5 schools for watching it happen without question. At Omi for all that she has done without knowing it. For my family for agreeing without question, and that stupid mentality of just getting on with things. I should be angry at the things that led my grandparents to be who they are. At what happened to pop's family in Nazi germany, for him never learning how to deal with it because its just too much.
I should be angry with everything but you.
You were just a child, i would want to protect you, not blame you. I would want to listen to youre tears, to hug you, to find ways of boosting your confidence. I would want open conversations. To listen when your day wasnt good, and to show you that it doesnt always have to be that way.
I would take care of you.
Maybe its time i start trying,
Lottie xxx
well, where do i start?
i have been angry at you for many years.
i was angry that you couldnt fit in, that you were stupid, that you tried so hard but never succeeded, but most of all, that no matter what you did, you couldnt make things better.i blamed you for not beang able to cope, to just get on with things.
After all, other people have it worse.
Looking at this aged 22, i have started to realise these views arent really fair. you were just a child. i wouldnt turn around to another 7 year old and tell her to just deal with it. i wouldnt expect her to, because no one should. That child should be cared for and supported, not blamed for its situation. I guess its not you i should be angry at.
It should be the people around you. The people who chased you, called you names, beat you up. The people who ignored you, who whispered constantly and who couldnt see that you were just another kid, just like any other. I should be angry at your teachers for not seeing, or not wanting to help. Who hurt you just as much in the classroom as the children did at break. I should be angry at your parents for not making things better. for not holding you close and telling you everything would be alright. I should be angry at those 5 schools for watching it happen without question. At Omi for all that she has done without knowing it. For my family for agreeing without question, and that stupid mentality of just getting on with things. I should be angry at the things that led my grandparents to be who they are. At what happened to pop's family in Nazi germany, for him never learning how to deal with it because its just too much.
I should be angry with everything but you.
You were just a child, i would want to protect you, not blame you. I would want to listen to youre tears, to hug you, to find ways of boosting your confidence. I would want open conversations. To listen when your day wasnt good, and to show you that it doesnt always have to be that way.
I would take care of you.
Maybe its time i start trying,
Lottie xxx
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
poem...
Help me.
Help me please, I'm begging you,
To find my mind, to see it through.
I'm begging, knees bent on the ground,
Through my tears, this silent sound.
Help me now, I need your strength
To keep on walking for this length.
I need your words, your time and love.
Some from below, some from above.
Help me, I cant stress enough
For this road just seems too tough.
I want to stop, to take a break
But it would be a big mistake.
I can not carry on like this
Stuck in this unforgiving mist.
I weep, I cry, I scream and shout
Yet still, i can see no way out.
Dont leave me here to rot and sower
I want to fight but dont have power.
I can not cope, i want to die
Ye still I smile, a bitter lie.
I dont know how you'll ever know,
If I am too afraid to show.
I'm scared of being me tonight
For I dont have the strength to fight.
Help me please, I'm begging you
My knees are bent, you take your pew.
You watch me as i fall apart
You will not help my broken heart.
Help me.
Help me please, I'm begging you,
To find my mind, to see it through.
I'm begging, knees bent on the ground,
Through my tears, this silent sound.
Help me now, I need your strength
To keep on walking for this length.
I need your words, your time and love.
Some from below, some from above.
Help me, I cant stress enough
For this road just seems too tough.
I want to stop, to take a break
But it would be a big mistake.
I can not carry on like this
Stuck in this unforgiving mist.
I weep, I cry, I scream and shout
Yet still, i can see no way out.
Dont leave me here to rot and sower
I want to fight but dont have power.
I can not cope, i want to die
Ye still I smile, a bitter lie.
I dont know how you'll ever know,
If I am too afraid to show.
I'm scared of being me tonight
For I dont have the strength to fight.
Help me please, I'm begging you
My knees are bent, you take your pew.
You watch me as i fall apart
You will not help my broken heart.
Help me.
Monday, 4 October 2010
how loud do i have to shout?
i do wonder how bad things have to get before someone takes notice.
i dont know what they need to see. i dont know what they want to hear, to understand that i bloody well need some help.
today was marginally better then last night, which was a pretty hard night.
got back from leave, and sarah decided she wanted a word... in which she made me feel a million times worse then i do already.
she kept on going on about how on friday all they saw of me was that i was pissed off at them, how i had given up on getting better and 'whats all this about your mum ringing up worried about you?' as if i had made it all up to my mum to make things seem bad.
she kept going on at me about how i was wasting my last week, and only i could change it, so 'i suggest you stop wasting it and start working to change it' and 'your not going to get any longer here' so stop messing around etc etc
i got really pissed off with her, swore and cried and stormed out of the dining room at snacks and refused to have it/replacement, and carried on cutting and when she came to be a bitch some more i ended up going to my bathroom and cutting because i didnt know what else to do with how i felt.
she kept telling me i was winding myself up and wasnt helping myself and shouldnt be acting how i did, and then when i went to appologise later she told me that i didnt need to, and they needed to see more of that?!!! WHICH ONE IS IT?! angry charlotte or smiley charlotte? wish they would bloody well make up their mind.
no one expects to see me down, and when i am down no one takes any notice because they think i am doing it to play up... its a no win situation, i dont get help either way, even tho when i come accross as down, thats when im as low as iv gotten, not when i feel like being attention seeking.
had a couple of teary moments today as well, in group and in a one to one with sue. still wont help, wont be staying and at this rate will end up seeing them in a few weeks again.
why wont they just give me the help now rather then telling me i may need more then one admission, why bother with the gap when they could just give me a little more time to save them the hassel, and me the pain and frustration. we all know where im headed when im feeling this damn low, and it isnt in the right bloody direction.
i keep wanting to sleep and not wake up, to just have a few days off from how im feeling. its like im in a pitch black hole and although i know there is a way out, i cant find a way to even begin climbing. im stuck and no one will chuck me a rope, or even a map or a first direction, they are just waiting for me to self destruct compleatly, and maybe then they might decide i could do with a little help.
i want to be better, i want to feel able to cope, but i dont know how, and i cant see how i am going to get there =-(
i dont know what they need to see. i dont know what they want to hear, to understand that i bloody well need some help.
today was marginally better then last night, which was a pretty hard night.
got back from leave, and sarah decided she wanted a word... in which she made me feel a million times worse then i do already.
she kept on going on about how on friday all they saw of me was that i was pissed off at them, how i had given up on getting better and 'whats all this about your mum ringing up worried about you?' as if i had made it all up to my mum to make things seem bad.
she kept going on at me about how i was wasting my last week, and only i could change it, so 'i suggest you stop wasting it and start working to change it' and 'your not going to get any longer here' so stop messing around etc etc
i got really pissed off with her, swore and cried and stormed out of the dining room at snacks and refused to have it/replacement, and carried on cutting and when she came to be a bitch some more i ended up going to my bathroom and cutting because i didnt know what else to do with how i felt.
she kept telling me i was winding myself up and wasnt helping myself and shouldnt be acting how i did, and then when i went to appologise later she told me that i didnt need to, and they needed to see more of that?!!! WHICH ONE IS IT?! angry charlotte or smiley charlotte? wish they would bloody well make up their mind.
no one expects to see me down, and when i am down no one takes any notice because they think i am doing it to play up... its a no win situation, i dont get help either way, even tho when i come accross as down, thats when im as low as iv gotten, not when i feel like being attention seeking.
had a couple of teary moments today as well, in group and in a one to one with sue. still wont help, wont be staying and at this rate will end up seeing them in a few weeks again.
why wont they just give me the help now rather then telling me i may need more then one admission, why bother with the gap when they could just give me a little more time to save them the hassel, and me the pain and frustration. we all know where im headed when im feeling this damn low, and it isnt in the right bloody direction.
i keep wanting to sleep and not wake up, to just have a few days off from how im feeling. its like im in a pitch black hole and although i know there is a way out, i cant find a way to even begin climbing. im stuck and no one will chuck me a rope, or even a map or a first direction, they are just waiting for me to self destruct compleatly, and maybe then they might decide i could do with a little help.
i want to be better, i want to feel able to cope, but i dont know how, and i cant see how i am going to get there =-(
Sunday, 3 October 2010
a weekend out of ip... (and recovery?)
well,
i cant reember when i last wrote. but i probably mentioned how i had only asked for 1 night out as i dont trust myself, and they gave me 2 and all the days...
you know, i dont trust myself for a reason =-S
i guess i restricted a lot, and purged dinner tonight because i felt to out of control having it (i wasnt, just felt it).
on friday i missed both snacks after i left, tho i had dinner.
saterday, i had a nutrigrain bar for breakfast, missed all my snacks and had a 275kcal dinner
today i missed breakfast, had 1/2 a scotch egg, a 97kcal pack of crisps for lunch, mars bar for snack, and purged dinner...
the nly reason i had the things i did eat was because i was around people...
i know they will be annoyed and will say 'we will have to work on this in the time you have left', but im not stupid. its 1 1/2 weeks and they think im coping fine (funny because this probably isnt what i would call coping).
i did it because i need to feel numb. if im not i feel like shit, and i cant cope with that. i hate eating because it makes me feel even worse than i do.
i dont want to put on weight because i can cope with it, and eating as much as im meant to wil make me fat. i already feel massive.
i cant see a way out of this, seems like im stuck this way because i cant find a way to kick myself into gear.
if only it was as simple as just eating and getting on with it... i know people think it is, and maybe to them it is, but it isnt feeling like that.
i tell you, one more coment about people having it worse and i will explode at someone...i am very very awear of that, and it makes me feel even worse and more selfish that i am like i am.
grrrrrrr i guess its back to that shitty place where they feed you up like a christmas turkey... what a fucking great day.
i cant reember when i last wrote. but i probably mentioned how i had only asked for 1 night out as i dont trust myself, and they gave me 2 and all the days...
you know, i dont trust myself for a reason =-S
i guess i restricted a lot, and purged dinner tonight because i felt to out of control having it (i wasnt, just felt it).
on friday i missed both snacks after i left, tho i had dinner.
saterday, i had a nutrigrain bar for breakfast, missed all my snacks and had a 275kcal dinner
today i missed breakfast, had 1/2 a scotch egg, a 97kcal pack of crisps for lunch, mars bar for snack, and purged dinner...
the nly reason i had the things i did eat was because i was around people...
i know they will be annoyed and will say 'we will have to work on this in the time you have left', but im not stupid. its 1 1/2 weeks and they think im coping fine (funny because this probably isnt what i would call coping).
i did it because i need to feel numb. if im not i feel like shit, and i cant cope with that. i hate eating because it makes me feel even worse than i do.
i dont want to put on weight because i can cope with it, and eating as much as im meant to wil make me fat. i already feel massive.
i cant see a way out of this, seems like im stuck this way because i cant find a way to kick myself into gear.
if only it was as simple as just eating and getting on with it... i know people think it is, and maybe to them it is, but it isnt feeling like that.
i tell you, one more coment about people having it worse and i will explode at someone...i am very very awear of that, and it makes me feel even worse and more selfish that i am like i am.
grrrrrrr i guess its back to that shitty place where they feed you up like a christmas turkey... what a fucking great day.
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