how loud do i have to shout?

i do wonder how bad things have to get before someone takes notice.

i dont know what they need to see. i dont know what they want to hear, to understand that i bloody well need some help.

today was marginally better then last night, which was a pretty hard night.

got back from leave, and sarah decided she wanted a word... in which she made me feel a million times worse then i do already.
she kept on going on about how on friday all they saw of me was that i was pissed off at them, how i had given up on getting better and 'whats all this about your mum ringing up worried about you?' as if i had made it all up to my mum to make things seem bad.
she kept going on at me about how i was wasting my last week, and only i could change it, so 'i suggest you stop wasting it and start working to change it' and 'your not going to get any longer here' so stop messing around etc etc
i got really pissed off with her, swore and cried and stormed out of the dining room at snacks and refused to have it/replacement, and carried on cutting and when she came to be a bitch some more i ended up going to my bathroom and cutting because i didnt know what else to do with how i felt.

she kept telling me i was winding myself up and wasnt helping myself and shouldnt be acting how i did, and then when i went to appologise later she told me that i didnt need to, and they needed to see more of that?!!! WHICH ONE IS IT?! angry charlotte or smiley charlotte? wish they would bloody well make up their mind.

no one expects to see me down, and when i am down no one takes any notice because they think i am doing it to play up... its a no win situation, i dont get help either way, even tho when i come accross as down, thats when im as low as iv gotten, not when i feel like being attention seeking.

had a couple of teary moments today as well, in group and in a one to one with sue. still wont help, wont be staying and at this rate will end up seeing them in a few weeks again.

why wont they just give me the help now rather then telling me i may need more then one admission, why bother with the gap when they could just give me a little more time to save them the hassel, and me the pain and frustration. we all know where im headed when im feeling this damn low, and it isnt in the right bloody direction.

i keep wanting to sleep and not wake up, to just have a few days off from how im feeling. its like im in a pitch black hole and although i know there is a way out, i cant find a way to even begin climbing. im stuck and no one will chuck me a rope, or even a map or a first direction, they are just waiting for me to self destruct compleatly, and maybe then they might decide i could do with a little help.

i want to be better, i want to feel able to cope, but i dont know how, and i cant see how i am going to get there =-(