well, how do i describe how i am feeling?
i dont think low or shit really covers it.
i just want it all to stop.
iv had enough of feeling this way. iv had enough of arguing with myself constantly, and iv had enough of feeling like im about to split apart.
i dont know how to say how im feeling, because i dont really know.
all i know is that i just want to cry all the time, and i am desperate to stop eating just to give myself a break.
its a constant conversation...
'im hungry, no your not. just have something small, you cant, your fat. so what, who cares? i do, your disgusting. you make me want to be sick just looking at you, and there is only one way you can fix that. im going to eat because i need it, fine, il make you eat more, just to make you feel bad, then you will listen to me and get on with loosing weight. i dont need to loose weight yes you do, your nasty everyone else sais i look fine they are just lieing, it makes them feel better if they are around fat people, they just want to make you fat so they can feel better. they will hate you anyway... SHUT UP!!!
i have been so confused today, there are too many pointless numbers going around my head. calories calories calories.
i have had to much, and i have over excercised and cut because of it. i dont know why... im not even sure if its punishment or just to try and keep me sain. if it wasnt for the fact i know il gain water weight, i would have thrown up too.
my weight keeps going up, even tho they told me it didnt matter. it wont stop going, and i have asked them to take something out of my diet, and all they have said is 'if you didnt have an eating disorder it wouldnt bother you, and your still a underweight anyway so it doesnt matter...' YES IT DOES.
i have no proof that i can eat without gaining weight, which is so stupid, because what are they expecting to happen? i cant let it go up any more, so i cant eat this much, but they wont help me learn how to maintain it, and its just making me panick.
i dont know what to do wiith myself, everything i do feels wrong, and i cant keep going, i cant cope with it.
i dont think i care if i get better or if i die, i just need it to shut up and give me a break.
:'(
If things cannot get anyworse then they cant if you stick with the plan. Go back and look at reasons you ever have considered fighting, and remember those.
ReplyDeleteNo-one ever says that the journey will be easy, you say you have no proof of being able to eat and not gain, if this is true, then how do you know hat your natural weight is?your body has to adjust to food after years of not getting it, give it time, and have faith. There is no point in learning how to maintain a certain weight if that weight isnt what you will settle out.
I think you need to stick with them, and the gtting therapy sorted plan, the therapy will be the hardest thing you've ever done, and you'll want to run away and fall back to old habits so often, but if you stick with it, the feelings of happiness, genuine happiness are worth every second of pain you have to go through