okkkkk
so, its my last lot of weekend leave, which means i only have another 2 days of ip till discharge.
to say im nerves is a little bit of an understatement, but thats pretty natural.
its weird because it doesnt feel like iv been in, but doesnt feel like iv been out in the outside world either, its a bit like iv been in no mans ground.
i think im nerves about the social scean, i have been pretty quiet, and im scared of getting back in touch with people, as i have all my usual fears of not being liked etc.
i tried to go out last weekend, but felt so shitty after, only because im so worried everyone hates me.
today was pretty hard.
some twat in ip called brian is the most self ritiouse person i have ever met, and told me i was 'an attention seeking diva'... this is probably one of the best insults anyone could chuck at me ever, and i ended up crying for a good few hours. the joke of it was, i got told off for calling him a twat when i walked out of group, even tho he said way more then that to me. not one of the staff asked if i was ok, just told me 'you should think about what you said and weather it is a useful reaction etc etc'. no 'charlotte, i can see you are upset would you like to talk'. and then when i refused to go into group, they told me i should calm down and go in later, and 'we cant give you a one to one because your meant to be in group, its your choice'... so then i purged to calm down ( on water?!) and went back. when asked later how i calmed down, they seemed a bit arsy about it. what did they expect? its not like i could remove myself from the situation, and its not like anyone would help me talk things through.
on the up side, i had a massage with rose again, and she was lovely. as soon as i walked in she asked what was wrong (apparently she could see in my aura that something wasnt good?!) and we had a good chat. she has given me her number and i will hopefully pop in and see her soon. maybe next thursday or the one after. she said i can go and have a massage and that she wants to keep in touch.
gaaaaaah i dont know, feeling pants at the moment, when o when will these anti depressants kick in?! =-(
I think all you can do is take one day at a time. Yes its going to be weird being 'out' but equally it doesnt mean that everyone will expect you to be a social butterfly straight away. Its going to take time. Let it. Small steps are better than big ones. Have they told you what kind of support you'll get it?
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