a weekend out of ip... (and recovery?)

well,

i cant reember when i last wrote. but i probably mentioned how i had only asked for 1 night out as i dont trust myself, and they gave me 2 and all the days...

you know, i dont trust myself for a reason =-S

i guess i restricted a lot, and purged dinner tonight because i felt to out of control having it (i wasnt, just felt it).

on friday i missed both snacks after i left, tho i had dinner.
saterday, i had a nutrigrain bar for breakfast, missed all my snacks and had a 275kcal dinner
today i missed breakfast, had 1/2 a scotch egg, a 97kcal pack of crisps for lunch, mars bar for snack, and purged dinner...

the nly reason i had the things i did eat was because i was around people...
i know they will be annoyed and will say 'we will have to work on this in the time you have left', but im not stupid. its 1 1/2 weeks and they think im coping fine (funny because this probably isnt what i would call coping).

i did it because i need to feel numb. if im not i feel like shit, and i cant cope with that. i hate eating because it makes me feel even worse than i do.

i dont want to put on weight because i can cope with it, and eating as much as im meant to wil make me fat. i already feel massive.

i cant see a way out of this, seems like im stuck this way because i cant find a way to kick myself into gear.

if only it was as simple as just eating and getting on with it... i know people think it is, and maybe to them it is, but it isnt feeling like that.

i tell you, one more coment about people having it worse and i will explode at someone...i am very very awear of that, and it makes me feel even worse and more selfish that i am like i am.

grrrrrrr i guess its back to that shitty place where they feed you up like a christmas turkey... what a fucking great day.