hello everyone!
well i havent written latley because i have nooooo internet at home!
things are going okish, im still eating, not enjoying it, but still going.
have a feeling m weight is still shooting up, but too scared to weigh myself (not sure if thats a good or a bad thing!)
been doing lots of practice, and had a good lesson with annabel which is good, still doing lots and lots.
applying for a couple of jobs, but im not holding my breath!
still not heard anything from the CMHT, there's a surprise!
i dont know, as long as im not thinking im doing absolutly fine, which is good, but i know all to well that il end up thinking at some point, which wont be a great thing!!!
i dont know, so far i give myself enough time to think about nothing, i am in college all day, and trying to keep busy all night (harry potter audio books are fantastic!)... the only give away is the mess that is my room =-s
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
Sunday, 21 November 2010
hello,
well iv been finding the last couple of days hard.
i dont fit into my cloths any more, and i feel like im heavier then ever.
the temptation to loose weight is huge, but i know its pointless.
i think im feeling pissed off that i cant have my cake and not eat it, as it were.
why does everyone else get to not eat that much or still stay thin no matter what they have?
went up to london with my mum and jojo yesterday, but felt crappy because i could feel all my cloths, ed is just not giving up
well iv been finding the last couple of days hard.
i dont fit into my cloths any more, and i feel like im heavier then ever.
the temptation to loose weight is huge, but i know its pointless.
i think im feeling pissed off that i cant have my cake and not eat it, as it were.
why does everyone else get to not eat that much or still stay thin no matter what they have?
went up to london with my mum and jojo yesterday, but felt crappy because i could feel all my cloths, ed is just not giving up
Friday, 19 November 2010
feeling a bit =-(
just feeling really quite large compared to how i was.
went charity shop shopping, and half the size 8's were too tight now =-(
on top of that i seem to be hungry 24/7.
its been a bit hard, my friend bex has been staying, she finished ip yesterday, and understandablt things havent been as good as they could today. she didnt really eat enough today, which was a bit hard, and i could see she was struggling, but it just made me feel like a big fat heffer because i have eaten far more then her.
i hope she gets back on track properly.
im scared of how my weight is, its always too much, and im to scared to weigh myself now incase its gone up loads.
there is a large pull to go backwards and loose the weight. wish my head would just shut up for a bit.
went charity shop shopping, and half the size 8's were too tight now =-(
on top of that i seem to be hungry 24/7.
its been a bit hard, my friend bex has been staying, she finished ip yesterday, and understandablt things havent been as good as they could today. she didnt really eat enough today, which was a bit hard, and i could see she was struggling, but it just made me feel like a big fat heffer because i have eaten far more then her.
i hope she gets back on track properly.
im scared of how my weight is, its always too much, and im to scared to weigh myself now incase its gone up loads.
there is a large pull to go backwards and loose the weight. wish my head would just shut up for a bit.
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
its COOOLLLLLDDDD!!!!
im under my covers in a thermal with a hot water bottle and still cold, and im eating properly n all!!!
things have been mixed,
still eating but not finding it easy, and getting a bit pissed off with the cmht not getting in touch. iv been told i should ring them up, but why is it my job?! i mean im the one meant to be needing the support, so why am i having to bloody get in touch with them to ask for it. it happened after daycare, i never got followed up, and that was that. i seem to be very easy for them to forget.
i want to throw a strop and tell them all to f off and not bother getting in touch with them, but everyone keeps going on about how its not them that that will effect etc etc bla bla bla... i know but i dont care.
next on my crappy list is that my student loan has been put in, which is fine if i was meant to have it, but the papaer work isnt done right and it shouldnt be there yet and its just more hassle to work out why/whats going on. grrrrr!!! they dont give it to you when you want it, but do when you dont?!
i dont know, feeling quite crappy, and my period hasnt been here for about 2 months, and im deffinatly not pregnant, and dont know why its still playing up?! im eating like a pig, it should be regular =-(
i have a lesson at 9 tomorrow, and cant play for more then 10 min without pain on my treble, so that will be interesting. need to get money out for it on the way, and wake up with enough time for breakfast (grrr), thinking of going in earlier to practice.
feeling so fat, its doing my head it.
also got asked out by a dodgey indian guy today (he looked about 50 odd), he stopped me and told me id made his day wehn i smiled, and 'im not a bad person, but do i stand a chance of taking you out for dinner?' my reply was noooooo i have a boyfriend (any excuse will do?!), and then he kept going and kissed my cheek before i got away...flattering as it was, i wish it had have been someone my own age!
anyway, should go to bed i guess!, night! xxxx
things have been mixed,
still eating but not finding it easy, and getting a bit pissed off with the cmht not getting in touch. iv been told i should ring them up, but why is it my job?! i mean im the one meant to be needing the support, so why am i having to bloody get in touch with them to ask for it. it happened after daycare, i never got followed up, and that was that. i seem to be very easy for them to forget.
i want to throw a strop and tell them all to f off and not bother getting in touch with them, but everyone keeps going on about how its not them that that will effect etc etc bla bla bla... i know but i dont care.
next on my crappy list is that my student loan has been put in, which is fine if i was meant to have it, but the papaer work isnt done right and it shouldnt be there yet and its just more hassle to work out why/whats going on. grrrrr!!! they dont give it to you when you want it, but do when you dont?!
i dont know, feeling quite crappy, and my period hasnt been here for about 2 months, and im deffinatly not pregnant, and dont know why its still playing up?! im eating like a pig, it should be regular =-(
i have a lesson at 9 tomorrow, and cant play for more then 10 min without pain on my treble, so that will be interesting. need to get money out for it on the way, and wake up with enough time for breakfast (grrr), thinking of going in earlier to practice.
feeling so fat, its doing my head it.
also got asked out by a dodgey indian guy today (he looked about 50 odd), he stopped me and told me id made his day wehn i smiled, and 'im not a bad person, but do i stand a chance of taking you out for dinner?' my reply was noooooo i have a boyfriend (any excuse will do?!), and then he kept going and kissed my cheek before i got away...flattering as it was, i wish it had have been someone my own age!
anyway, should go to bed i guess!, night! xxxx
Sunday, 14 November 2010
hello,
well, today has been a mixed bag... the good things were...
1/ going to visit all the people at junior trinity, all my old teachers, musicianship teachers, choir masters, orchestra/chamber group conductors etc and the receptionist! it was lovely to see them all, popped into ken page and did some improvising, chatted to peter robinson my recorder teacher etc etc and spoke lots to trakove the receptionist, lovely lady!
2/ getting my treble sorted so i can reach it! mr von hughne has taken it to sort, and within a month i should have some keys on it and the thumb hole bushed, hopefully itl work fine and il be able to play it nicely without hurting myself!
3/ saw cweaver (i cant spell it but thats how it sounds!), and went for a drink with my and her mum!
the hard things were...
1/ being back in old situations, reminded me of a lot
2/ feel like im eating farrrrr to much and cant work out if im under eating or not
3/ sorting out wardrobe at home, so many of my cloths im scared of not fitting, i miss being tiny =-(
4/feel generally quite =-( =-s not sure why, just am
i dont know, so much of me wants to leave this food thing behind and move on with the rest of my life.
i want to perform to an audience and feel good about it, i want to enjoy being good at it, and i want to feel confident enough to do it. but its so scary letting go, and i can feel the pull back because its safe =-(
well, today has been a mixed bag... the good things were...
1/ going to visit all the people at junior trinity, all my old teachers, musicianship teachers, choir masters, orchestra/chamber group conductors etc and the receptionist! it was lovely to see them all, popped into ken page and did some improvising, chatted to peter robinson my recorder teacher etc etc and spoke lots to trakove the receptionist, lovely lady!
2/ getting my treble sorted so i can reach it! mr von hughne has taken it to sort, and within a month i should have some keys on it and the thumb hole bushed, hopefully itl work fine and il be able to play it nicely without hurting myself!
3/ saw cweaver (i cant spell it but thats how it sounds!), and went for a drink with my and her mum!
the hard things were...
1/ being back in old situations, reminded me of a lot
2/ feel like im eating farrrrr to much and cant work out if im under eating or not
3/ sorting out wardrobe at home, so many of my cloths im scared of not fitting, i miss being tiny =-(
4/feel generally quite =-( =-s not sure why, just am
i dont know, so much of me wants to leave this food thing behind and move on with the rest of my life.
i want to perform to an audience and feel good about it, i want to enjoy being good at it, and i want to feel confident enough to do it. but its so scary letting go, and i can feel the pull back because its safe =-(
Saturday, 13 November 2010
i love being an early music geek =-)
it means i get to go to fun things at the early music festival!
i had a very nice night tonight, after spending the day with my little sister, i headed up to greenwhich and saw a concert by the 'quartet new generation', a recorder quartet, and then went to dinner for the woodhouse reunion.
i for the first time, did not buy a salad there, and although i am freaking out now, it was nice to get what i wanted, which was salmon fishcakes with fries... i didnt finish them, because i was to scared to, but i had a good amount.
it felt really weird to be eating it, and it felt really weird because i know a lot of the people know about where iv been. Annabel was there, and thankfully i wasnt sitting next to her, but i felt odd eating infront of her, even tho i know she wouldnt be thinking im fat, i still think she will.
ok, so i have probably acctually eaten less then i should have done (1395ish), so i really should not be panicking
should just go to bed and stop thinking x
i had a very nice night tonight, after spending the day with my little sister, i headed up to greenwhich and saw a concert by the 'quartet new generation', a recorder quartet, and then went to dinner for the woodhouse reunion.
i for the first time, did not buy a salad there, and although i am freaking out now, it was nice to get what i wanted, which was salmon fishcakes with fries... i didnt finish them, because i was to scared to, but i had a good amount.
it felt really weird to be eating it, and it felt really weird because i know a lot of the people know about where iv been. Annabel was there, and thankfully i wasnt sitting next to her, but i felt odd eating infront of her, even tho i know she wouldnt be thinking im fat, i still think she will.
ok, so i have probably acctually eaten less then i should have done (1395ish), so i really should not be panicking
should just go to bed and stop thinking x
Friday, 12 November 2010
home for the first time in over 3 months...
and it feels WEIRD to say the least.
the temptation to over excercise, or eat and throw up, or restrict is huge, and being in the centre of my family is equally stressful.
i look around my room, and all i can see are bits of illness, or the fact i am not here often (piles of washing in my room, everyone elses junk, mixed with cut out pictures of magazines, drawings of thin people and old diaries full of numbers).
i open my draws and find wrappers from nights of binging/ purging, stashes of low calorie foods and old prescriptions. notepads full of calories, my last 10 years in food.
there are so many memories in this place, which i wish werent there. and on top of that, no sooner do i get home, do i sttart hearing all the family shit that i dont want to know. who is arguing with who, who is randomly angry at someone for no reason, who's buiseness everyone else knows, why so and so arent talking to so and so, and it just makes me realise why i come home and find it all so much harder.
i hate being here.
finding food is getting slightly harder each and every day. as i get more stressed, the ideas push them selves further in, and i just hope i can keep up not listening to them.
money wise, im screwed, until i can get the relevant letters to send to the student loans company.
bit pissed off because i wasted £30 last weekend on a train fair to see a friend, and quite frankly i wish i hadent of, didnt even have a particularly good time due to my friend being rather unsoicable to say the least. could have saved the money and not been annoyed if she had of just told me she didnt want to see me.
missed my train today due to another friend making me very late, so i had to spend the last £8 i own on another train, which now leaves me compleatly compleatly broke, with no way of getting around, and nothing to do.
the numbers on the scales has gone up yet again. 47kg, and it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. i know i shouldnt care, and i know there are many up sides to being healthy, but i am struggling to get it out of my head.
everyone thinks im doing so well, and finding it so easy.
i wish it was that simple :'-(
the temptation to over excercise, or eat and throw up, or restrict is huge, and being in the centre of my family is equally stressful.
i look around my room, and all i can see are bits of illness, or the fact i am not here often (piles of washing in my room, everyone elses junk, mixed with cut out pictures of magazines, drawings of thin people and old diaries full of numbers).
i open my draws and find wrappers from nights of binging/ purging, stashes of low calorie foods and old prescriptions. notepads full of calories, my last 10 years in food.
there are so many memories in this place, which i wish werent there. and on top of that, no sooner do i get home, do i sttart hearing all the family shit that i dont want to know. who is arguing with who, who is randomly angry at someone for no reason, who's buiseness everyone else knows, why so and so arent talking to so and so, and it just makes me realise why i come home and find it all so much harder.
i hate being here.
finding food is getting slightly harder each and every day. as i get more stressed, the ideas push them selves further in, and i just hope i can keep up not listening to them.
money wise, im screwed, until i can get the relevant letters to send to the student loans company.
bit pissed off because i wasted £30 last weekend on a train fair to see a friend, and quite frankly i wish i hadent of, didnt even have a particularly good time due to my friend being rather unsoicable to say the least. could have saved the money and not been annoyed if she had of just told me she didnt want to see me.
missed my train today due to another friend making me very late, so i had to spend the last £8 i own on another train, which now leaves me compleatly compleatly broke, with no way of getting around, and nothing to do.
the numbers on the scales has gone up yet again. 47kg, and it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. i know i shouldnt care, and i know there are many up sides to being healthy, but i am struggling to get it out of my head.
everyone thinks im doing so well, and finding it so easy.
i wish it was that simple :'-(
Thursday, 4 November 2010
officially discharged from cilantro
well, today was the day!
(the 3rd, im just up really late!)
it feels weird, my emotions have been so up and down i dont know where they are!
im excited,
excited to start living again, to go out, be busy, meet people, do my music, art etc etc.
there is a lot to be excited about.
this is the first time in 10 years that i have thought maybe i can live without ed... its not 100%, but the fact that thought has even entered my head is a pretty big deal!
maybe, just maybe, 10 years from now, i will be sitting here with my own family and talking about how this part of my life is no longer an issue. i hope that will be the case, i sure as hell am not going to be someone who's life revolves around hospital stays!
im also a bit sad,
i have made some amazing friends in there, and it feels hard to leave them behind.
although i had one of the hardest times in there, it was also filled with some of the best.
the understanding from the girls, and the laughs we had were amazing, and it is sad to leave that behind... it will take a long time to get used to not being able to just knock on beccy's or faye's door when i want a hug or a chat, but its all part of moving on, and i still have their numbers, so its not the end of the world (even tho it kind of feels that way!)
im also a tiny wee bit scared of being left to my own devices...
my mood is still pretty crappy, and ed is still very loud 98% of the time, but when i think about it, thats a big improvement on 100%, and its all baby steps.
i know i may go back and fourth, but i also know i dont want to land up in hospital again, which in a way gives me a bit of a kick to at least stay above a certain level, which hopefully will mean im more likely to pull my self out of it anyway.
im nerves too,
had butterflies in my tummy all day, i think im just anxiouse that i wont be ok, but realistically i have lasted 22 years, and things cant really get much worse then they have been, so as far as i see it, there are only 2 ways it can go... it can stay the same, or it can go up, and seeing as everything changes, i would say at some point, it will be heading upwards!
i had some really thoughtful little gifts, they landed me in tears tonight when i looked at them, but i will have them there to remind me of how special other people think i am (maybe it will rub off!). im going to stick up the little letter and card, and my 'recovery pack' (full of varieas tasks to do) made by beccy, so that i remember to use it when im wobbling!
i dont know, im trying to think of this as a begining and not of an ending.
a begining to getting my lfe back on track, and being who i want to be!
should go to bed, but i will no doubt be writing a lot more from now on! xxxxx
(the 3rd, im just up really late!)
it feels weird, my emotions have been so up and down i dont know where they are!
im excited,
excited to start living again, to go out, be busy, meet people, do my music, art etc etc.
there is a lot to be excited about.
this is the first time in 10 years that i have thought maybe i can live without ed... its not 100%, but the fact that thought has even entered my head is a pretty big deal!
maybe, just maybe, 10 years from now, i will be sitting here with my own family and talking about how this part of my life is no longer an issue. i hope that will be the case, i sure as hell am not going to be someone who's life revolves around hospital stays!
im also a bit sad,
i have made some amazing friends in there, and it feels hard to leave them behind.
although i had one of the hardest times in there, it was also filled with some of the best.
the understanding from the girls, and the laughs we had were amazing, and it is sad to leave that behind... it will take a long time to get used to not being able to just knock on beccy's or faye's door when i want a hug or a chat, but its all part of moving on, and i still have their numbers, so its not the end of the world (even tho it kind of feels that way!)
im also a tiny wee bit scared of being left to my own devices...
my mood is still pretty crappy, and ed is still very loud 98% of the time, but when i think about it, thats a big improvement on 100%, and its all baby steps.
i know i may go back and fourth, but i also know i dont want to land up in hospital again, which in a way gives me a bit of a kick to at least stay above a certain level, which hopefully will mean im more likely to pull my self out of it anyway.
im nerves too,
had butterflies in my tummy all day, i think im just anxiouse that i wont be ok, but realistically i have lasted 22 years, and things cant really get much worse then they have been, so as far as i see it, there are only 2 ways it can go... it can stay the same, or it can go up, and seeing as everything changes, i would say at some point, it will be heading upwards!
i had some really thoughtful little gifts, they landed me in tears tonight when i looked at them, but i will have them there to remind me of how special other people think i am (maybe it will rub off!). im going to stick up the little letter and card, and my 'recovery pack' (full of varieas tasks to do) made by beccy, so that i remember to use it when im wobbling!
i dont know, im trying to think of this as a begining and not of an ending.
a begining to getting my lfe back on track, and being who i want to be!
should go to bed, but i will no doubt be writing a lot more from now on! xxxxx
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
blah...bloody lewis
ok, so while i have been in hospital sorting out my life, lewis has been off dating half my bloody friends at college.
i know i know i cant be bitter about him dating. which i am not, its just im slightly resentful of the fact its half the people in the early music department.
i have just had to have a conversation with someone i got on with really well, about how she went on a date with him, and how she doesnt know weather to go out with him etc etc, and in truth, as much as i like her as a friend, do i really want to hear it all?!
how am i meant to give her advice about weather she should be with my not so distant ex?!!!
i dont want to know about their date, i dont want to know about what they may get up to, and i dont really want to be aweare that he is off screwing around already... even though i knew that within a week of our break up.
gah, i dont know, maybe im a little jealouse that really i want to be the one enjoying myself, and the one with a relationship being the be all and end all of my life. and maybe, im a little hurt that lewis didnt have the sense to maybe steer clear of all my good friends when it came to him finding another girl.
i guess im feeling a little hurt.
he blanked me at college the other day, and has deleated me from his facebook, i shouldnt care, but i was with him for a year and a half, and i guess i wasnt expecting it to feel like we didnt know each other when we broke up.
just feel =-(
i know i know i cant be bitter about him dating. which i am not, its just im slightly resentful of the fact its half the people in the early music department.
i have just had to have a conversation with someone i got on with really well, about how she went on a date with him, and how she doesnt know weather to go out with him etc etc, and in truth, as much as i like her as a friend, do i really want to hear it all?!
how am i meant to give her advice about weather she should be with my not so distant ex?!!!
i dont want to know about their date, i dont want to know about what they may get up to, and i dont really want to be aweare that he is off screwing around already... even though i knew that within a week of our break up.
gah, i dont know, maybe im a little jealouse that really i want to be the one enjoying myself, and the one with a relationship being the be all and end all of my life. and maybe, im a little hurt that lewis didnt have the sense to maybe steer clear of all my good friends when it came to him finding another girl.
i guess im feeling a little hurt.
he blanked me at college the other day, and has deleated me from his facebook, i shouldnt care, but i was with him for a year and a half, and i guess i wasnt expecting it to feel like we didnt know each other when we broke up.
just feel =-(
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