and it feels WEIRD to say the least.
the temptation to over excercise, or eat and throw up, or restrict is huge, and being in the centre of my family is equally stressful.
i look around my room, and all i can see are bits of illness, or the fact i am not here often (piles of washing in my room, everyone elses junk, mixed with cut out pictures of magazines, drawings of thin people and old diaries full of numbers).
i open my draws and find wrappers from nights of binging/ purging, stashes of low calorie foods and old prescriptions. notepads full of calories, my last 10 years in food.
there are so many memories in this place, which i wish werent there. and on top of that, no sooner do i get home, do i sttart hearing all the family shit that i dont want to know. who is arguing with who, who is randomly angry at someone for no reason, who's buiseness everyone else knows, why so and so arent talking to so and so, and it just makes me realise why i come home and find it all so much harder.
i hate being here.
finding food is getting slightly harder each and every day. as i get more stressed, the ideas push them selves further in, and i just hope i can keep up not listening to them.
money wise, im screwed, until i can get the relevant letters to send to the student loans company.
bit pissed off because i wasted £30 last weekend on a train fair to see a friend, and quite frankly i wish i hadent of, didnt even have a particularly good time due to my friend being rather unsoicable to say the least. could have saved the money and not been annoyed if she had of just told me she didnt want to see me.
missed my train today due to another friend making me very late, so i had to spend the last £8 i own on another train, which now leaves me compleatly compleatly broke, with no way of getting around, and nothing to do.
the numbers on the scales has gone up yet again. 47kg, and it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. i know i shouldnt care, and i know there are many up sides to being healthy, but i am struggling to get it out of my head.
everyone thinks im doing so well, and finding it so easy.
i wish it was that simple :'-(
If you fancy helping robbing a bank?
ReplyDeleteAlso, in terms of money, now, could work for you in terms of xmas temping somewhere?
Have you heard about therapy?off the CMHT?if not go visit the good old gp.....i've said it before but i'll say it again, until you learn how to deal with whatever makes you need ed to cope, wont go away until you have learnt how to handle it :)
Ps.....why not have a big fire of all the stuff like the notebooks etc?kinda fun way of saying, thats in my past now.
Pss(if thats right?)anyone who thinks you are finding this easy, is an idiot. :)