officially discharged from cilantro

well, today was the day!
(the 3rd, im just up really late!)

it feels weird, my emotions have been so up and down i dont know where they are!

im excited,
excited to start living again, to go out, be busy, meet people, do my music, art etc etc.
there is a lot to be excited about.
this is the first time in 10 years that i have thought maybe i can live without ed... its not 100%, but the fact that thought has even entered my head is a pretty big deal!
maybe, just maybe, 10 years from now, i will be sitting here with my own family and talking about how this part of my life is no longer an issue. i hope that will be the case, i sure as hell am not going to be someone who's life revolves around hospital stays!

im also a bit sad,
i have made some amazing friends in there, and it feels hard to leave them behind.
although i had one of the hardest times in there, it was also filled with some of the best.
the understanding from the girls, and the laughs we had were amazing, and it is sad to leave that behind... it will take a long time to get used to not being able to just knock on beccy's or faye's door when i want a hug or a chat, but its all part of moving on, and i still have their numbers, so its not the end of the world (even tho it kind of feels that way!)

im also a tiny wee bit scared of being left to my own devices...
my mood is still pretty crappy, and ed is still very loud 98% of the time, but when i think about it, thats a big improvement on 100%, and its all baby steps.
i know i may go back and fourth, but i also know i dont want to land up in hospital again, which in a way gives me a bit of a kick to at least stay above a certain level, which hopefully will mean im more likely to pull my self out of it anyway.

im nerves too,
had butterflies in my tummy all day, i think im just anxiouse that i wont be ok, but realistically i have lasted 22 years, and things cant really get much worse then they have been, so as far as i see it, there are only 2 ways it can go... it can stay the same, or it can go up, and seeing as everything changes, i would say at some point, it will be heading upwards!

i had some really thoughtful little gifts, they landed me in tears tonight when i looked at them, but i will have them there to remind me of how special other people think i am (maybe it will rub off!). im going to stick up the little letter and card, and my 'recovery pack' (full of varieas tasks to do) made by beccy, so that i remember to use it when im wobbling!

i dont know, im trying to think of this as a begining and not of an ending.
a begining to getting my lfe back on track, and being who i want to be!

should go to bed, but i will no doubt be writing a lot more from now on! xxxxx