constantly.
my ankles, knees, elbows, wrists, back and neck just will not stop.
whats more, i seem to pull out of place so easily, i only carried shopping back a 10 min walk today and its just made my elbows so sore, because it was pulling on them too much, and they bend just that much too far in the wrong direction.
my knees hurt whatever position they are in today, and its really grating on me.
they ache all day every day, pretty much all of me.
i have a physio on the 16th for my tention headaches, i cant wait. wish it was sooner! but im going to have to ask about the rest of my joints too, i really need some help, like now!
the muscles in my shoulders feel solid.
man i could cry!
Monday, 28 February 2011
Sunday, 27 February 2011
rambly poem
i'm cracking apart,
cant you see?
i'm falling through space
please hear my plea.
i cant keep going,
its just too hard.
instead of strong iron,
i feel like card.
i smile and laugh,
but alone i just cry.
life should seem pleasant,
i cant wait to die.
i'm fed up of fighting,
too scared to give up.
i look like i'm happy
with a half empty cup.
why cant i show you
how tired i feel?
i don't trust your knowledge,
your judgments wont heal.
i'm alone as always,
cant see how to change.
don't trust in the future,
it all seems too strange.
i cant carry on,
things feel so stuck.
frustrated and angry,
with no change in luck.
cant you see?
i'm falling through space
please hear my plea.
i cant keep going,
its just too hard.
instead of strong iron,
i feel like card.
i smile and laugh,
but alone i just cry.
life should seem pleasant,
i cant wait to die.
i'm fed up of fighting,
too scared to give up.
i look like i'm happy
with a half empty cup.
why cant i show you
how tired i feel?
i don't trust your knowledge,
your judgments wont heal.
i'm alone as always,
cant see how to change.
don't trust in the future,
it all seems too strange.
i cant carry on,
things feel so stuck.
frustrated and angry,
with no change in luck.
bumface
eeeeeewwww i can hear my flatmate have sex...time to turn the music up!
ok, so things have been a little mixed latley...obviously!
the positives...
i saw a mate the night before last which was nice, and i have just purchased a steel boned corset *woop* cant wait to get it! (i reckon the boobs will actually be a big improvement on last time i wore a corset!)
its this one
http://www.corsets-uk.com/dark-green-taffeta-overbust-steel-boned-corset-my-033-azi.html
im also getting a photo shoot done (one of those free offers)... i was going to say no, and then i thought 'why the hell not'... so im going with a friend... i figure maybe it might get my body confidence up a little...maybe!
worked today 9-6ish, long day, but guess its a bit of money coming in.
found food really hard the last couple of days.
i just feel like im 'comfort eating' (hahaha comfort...NOT!) it feels like im on a constant binge. logically i know im not, but i cant get it out of my head that i am just eating tooo much.
i purged earlier. was stupid, i just panicked and had to. i stopped myself doing it again tonight, so i guess thats a good thing. also stupidly dug out my diet pills... really should just chuck the lot.
im just finding body image hard.
the fact i dont fit into that dress properly is really playing on my mind. i know i shouldnt care, and funilly enough with my flatmate sorting the zip, i did get into it ok (she thinks the zip is a bit bust). but it still just goes round my head.
and then i get into a funny place where half wants to restrict, and the other hald knows i shouldnt so eats, and thats what makes me feel like im constantly binging.
and i am petrafied that this is going to push my weight up either more
ok, so things have been a little mixed latley...obviously!
the positives...
i saw a mate the night before last which was nice, and i have just purchased a steel boned corset *woop* cant wait to get it! (i reckon the boobs will actually be a big improvement on last time i wore a corset!)
its this one
http://www.corsets-uk.com/dark-green-taffeta-overbust-steel-boned-corset-my-033-azi.html
im also getting a photo shoot done (one of those free offers)... i was going to say no, and then i thought 'why the hell not'... so im going with a friend... i figure maybe it might get my body confidence up a little...maybe!
worked today 9-6ish, long day, but guess its a bit of money coming in.
found food really hard the last couple of days.
i just feel like im 'comfort eating' (hahaha comfort...NOT!) it feels like im on a constant binge. logically i know im not, but i cant get it out of my head that i am just eating tooo much.
i purged earlier. was stupid, i just panicked and had to. i stopped myself doing it again tonight, so i guess thats a good thing. also stupidly dug out my diet pills... really should just chuck the lot.
im just finding body image hard.
the fact i dont fit into that dress properly is really playing on my mind. i know i shouldnt care, and funilly enough with my flatmate sorting the zip, i did get into it ok (she thinks the zip is a bit bust). but it still just goes round my head.
and then i get into a funny place where half wants to restrict, and the other hald knows i shouldnt so eats, and thats what makes me feel like im constantly binging.
and i am petrafied that this is going to push my weight up either more
Friday, 25 February 2011
the letter challenge...
ok lovelies,
well, i challenge you to this recovery excercise...
i have written 2 letters. the first is me a year from now if i stay ill.
the second is me recovered.
i challenge you to do the same, sometimes it can be a really useful kick!!!
letter 1
Dear Lottie,
well, here we are...again.
you have had to take yet another year out of college, due to fucking everything up.
this year has been pretty shit...you thought last one was bad, but this just takes the piss.
shortly after coming out of hospital, you quite trying to recover, and decided looseing weight was the only thing to make you happy...how wrong you are.
you have lost weight, yes. you are down to a new low, and you would think that would make you extatic, but your more depressed now then ever.
you are constantly cold, tired, shakey. your hair is so dry and crappy its falling out. your skin and lips are cracked, and everything is so achey...even lying in bed hurts again.
you are constantly up, wide awake. sleeping went out the window when you started restricting again, so you fill your time excercising, counting the calories you wont let yourself eat, or purging... just like before you cant even have a glass of water without purging, let alone a drink with friends.
you are sad and lonley...still. Paddy got fed up with living with you, so your living alone now, and you dont have time to socialise... no one wants to see you anyway.
you know how you said you would never acctually try to commit suicide? that the pills were just a saftey net? that was bollox too... you tried, and got found. its still on your mind every day... living is too hard and too much effort.
they are talking about hospital again... another chunck of time wasted gaining weight again.
this isnt living.
letter 2...
Dear Lottie,
WOW!!!
i never thought i would say this, but you friging rock!!!
you managed to compleate your degree with a first! (for a dyslexic that isnt half bad!!!), and everyone was so proud. you are just about to start a postgrad to do art therapy, how exciting is that? you can finally study and learn to help others... i remember this being the plan for like the last 10 years, and you never thought you would manage it...how cool are you?!
you have come out of college with loads of people around, and all are keeping in touch.
you also set up a medeival group called 'InPro', and its starting to do really well, and your chamber group is really taking off. you even have a concert in the wigmore hall coming up (remember how you were so scared to even dream that maybe you could get somewhere with your playing?).
i can not tell you how proud i am of you, that you have come out of the other side, and are finally starting to acctually live!
o, and by the way, your long term partner has proposed, so you are planning your wedding, and he really wants kids to... wont that be worth the periods?!
i can finally really say, that you love yourself. you love your faults, and your slightly nutty ways, and you are no longer afraid that no one else will.
all my love,
Lottie xxxxxxx
well, i challenge you to this recovery excercise...
i have written 2 letters. the first is me a year from now if i stay ill.
the second is me recovered.
i challenge you to do the same, sometimes it can be a really useful kick!!!
letter 1
Dear Lottie,
well, here we are...again.
you have had to take yet another year out of college, due to fucking everything up.
this year has been pretty shit...you thought last one was bad, but this just takes the piss.
shortly after coming out of hospital, you quite trying to recover, and decided looseing weight was the only thing to make you happy...how wrong you are.
you have lost weight, yes. you are down to a new low, and you would think that would make you extatic, but your more depressed now then ever.
you are constantly cold, tired, shakey. your hair is so dry and crappy its falling out. your skin and lips are cracked, and everything is so achey...even lying in bed hurts again.
you are constantly up, wide awake. sleeping went out the window when you started restricting again, so you fill your time excercising, counting the calories you wont let yourself eat, or purging... just like before you cant even have a glass of water without purging, let alone a drink with friends.
you are sad and lonley...still. Paddy got fed up with living with you, so your living alone now, and you dont have time to socialise... no one wants to see you anyway.
you know how you said you would never acctually try to commit suicide? that the pills were just a saftey net? that was bollox too... you tried, and got found. its still on your mind every day... living is too hard and too much effort.
they are talking about hospital again... another chunck of time wasted gaining weight again.
this isnt living.
letter 2...
Dear Lottie,
WOW!!!
i never thought i would say this, but you friging rock!!!
you managed to compleate your degree with a first! (for a dyslexic that isnt half bad!!!), and everyone was so proud. you are just about to start a postgrad to do art therapy, how exciting is that? you can finally study and learn to help others... i remember this being the plan for like the last 10 years, and you never thought you would manage it...how cool are you?!
you have come out of college with loads of people around, and all are keeping in touch.
you also set up a medeival group called 'InPro', and its starting to do really well, and your chamber group is really taking off. you even have a concert in the wigmore hall coming up (remember how you were so scared to even dream that maybe you could get somewhere with your playing?).
i can not tell you how proud i am of you, that you have come out of the other side, and are finally starting to acctually live!
o, and by the way, your long term partner has proposed, so you are planning your wedding, and he really wants kids to... wont that be worth the periods?!
i can finally really say, that you love yourself. you love your faults, and your slightly nutty ways, and you are no longer afraid that no one else will.
all my love,
Lottie xxxxxxx
should be asleep!
thank you lovely,
im trying!
today has been a little better, iv been out n about more, and we had a performance class in college which i sat in on, and realised i am a compleate geek!
someone was doing medieval music, and i realised that i know/have read more on it then anyone else...! also had a lecture on french baroque dance, which was interesting.
back home tonight, saw a friend, and now just getting ready for bed.
food has been a bit mixed, i feel like iv eaten a ton, but logically i know i probably havent, and that im up from 8am-3am so will ofcourse feel hungrier then if i wasnt awake so long.
had a very odd/sickening realisation today. i got curiouse, as to how much an average concentration camp victim was given to eat (bearing in mind, a lot of my family were killed in them in nazi germany), and it seems that at its worst, people were eating around 600kcal...AT ITS WORST. and the average weight of an inmate, was 40kg... now i find it a bit nuts, that at my worst i was eating less, and my 'ideal' weight i wanted to be was far lower... is that fucked up or what?! :-?
i kinda feel overwhelmingly guilty that those things were imposed on my family, when im doing it/have done it to myself... maybe guilt isnt the right feeling, maybe its more just a feeling of 'woah, thats just wrong'
i often wonder weather i need to just 'grow up and get on with it'... but maybe thats rather a harsh response, and not appropriate either, but it seems to be what my head thinks. i want it to just be that easy.
still, no point giving up, there never is! x
im trying!
today has been a little better, iv been out n about more, and we had a performance class in college which i sat in on, and realised i am a compleate geek!
someone was doing medieval music, and i realised that i know/have read more on it then anyone else...! also had a lecture on french baroque dance, which was interesting.
back home tonight, saw a friend, and now just getting ready for bed.
food has been a bit mixed, i feel like iv eaten a ton, but logically i know i probably havent, and that im up from 8am-3am so will ofcourse feel hungrier then if i wasnt awake so long.
had a very odd/sickening realisation today. i got curiouse, as to how much an average concentration camp victim was given to eat (bearing in mind, a lot of my family were killed in them in nazi germany), and it seems that at its worst, people were eating around 600kcal...AT ITS WORST. and the average weight of an inmate, was 40kg... now i find it a bit nuts, that at my worst i was eating less, and my 'ideal' weight i wanted to be was far lower... is that fucked up or what?! :-?
i kinda feel overwhelmingly guilty that those things were imposed on my family, when im doing it/have done it to myself... maybe guilt isnt the right feeling, maybe its more just a feeling of 'woah, thats just wrong'
i often wonder weather i need to just 'grow up and get on with it'... but maybe thats rather a harsh response, and not appropriate either, but it seems to be what my head thinks. i want it to just be that easy.
still, no point giving up, there never is! x
Thursday, 24 February 2011
='-(
well hello my dears,
im not feeling to bright today, in fact i feel pretty pants.
maybe lonly would be a better word.
i just feel like i want to cry, for no real reason, other then i feel pretty by myself. i keep busy, and i see people around, but i cant remember the last time i sat and had a chat and a coffee with someone. i had a 5 min chat to someone in college, but other then that i havent really seen anyone for the last few days :-(
i know im restricting more then i should be, but it seems to be the only thing that stops me being so sad (yes i know its a quick fix and wont work for long). i dont want to go backwards, but i dont see a way forwards either. i feel so stuck.
every day i keep going, and going, and going. i wake up, i get up, i practice, i do the erands i need to do and eat mostly what i should, but nothing is getting any easier, and i dont have anyone i can say it to.
i tried on a dress that fitted me last time i was well, and i cant zip it up past my boobs. i know it silly, and something most people would be happy with, but it is really bugging me. im bigger then i was last time at a healthy weight and i was too big then, and im too big now.
iv had enough of pretending everything is so fine and dandy, when all i want to do is hide away and cry.
im not feeling to bright today, in fact i feel pretty pants.
maybe lonly would be a better word.
i just feel like i want to cry, for no real reason, other then i feel pretty by myself. i keep busy, and i see people around, but i cant remember the last time i sat and had a chat and a coffee with someone. i had a 5 min chat to someone in college, but other then that i havent really seen anyone for the last few days :-(
i know im restricting more then i should be, but it seems to be the only thing that stops me being so sad (yes i know its a quick fix and wont work for long). i dont want to go backwards, but i dont see a way forwards either. i feel so stuck.
every day i keep going, and going, and going. i wake up, i get up, i practice, i do the erands i need to do and eat mostly what i should, but nothing is getting any easier, and i dont have anyone i can say it to.
i tried on a dress that fitted me last time i was well, and i cant zip it up past my boobs. i know it silly, and something most people would be happy with, but it is really bugging me. im bigger then i was last time at a healthy weight and i was too big then, and im too big now.
iv had enough of pretending everything is so fine and dandy, when all i want to do is hide away and cry.
Sunday, 20 February 2011
woah brain!
man, i have been waaaayyyy to lazy/anti social....
and you know, im only here because i should be asleep right now... really must sort out my life!!!
staranise, yes, coffee would be ace, when and where? im easy and pretty free (i really need to stop telling people im easy...!!!)
whats happened in lottie land as of late...
well, the exciting thing is that i finally have my recorder back :banana:
when i got it back from america, the keys wouldnt work properly, so i had to send it off to a guy near my parents home to sort it all out :( he basically re did the keywork, and it works well now, but i may as well have just given it to him in the first place!!! was very very angry with what a bad job/how much i was charged, and how shit the customer service was... need to write a letter of complaint, because i basically spend £450 getting something done that i then had to spend another £60 to have someone else fix :?
i also now have a new violin case and bow (nice 3/4 bam case, went to put my violin bow in only to realise that it was a full size and wouldnt fit in the case!), and a new chin and shoulder rest so it all acctually fits me properly... it amazes me that in all the time i was made to play music (19 years?), no one ever thought to check i was playing on the right sized instrument, or adjust the instrument accordingly so i didnt hurt myself... my family really do puzzle me :?
also called up to see when i would get a therapist, and finally i have been given a date part way through march :clap: the only thing is the psych at the ed place told me maybe i should get it through the CMHT instead, but that would likely mean waiting another 6 months., and i get a sneaky suspicion it could be funding related rather then him actually thinking about me. i have an assessment with the CMHT psych department 17th of march, so i guess il wait and see.
have a harp lesson with the scary college harp teacher monday which is cool. sounds silly, but im kinda frustrated that my mum doesnt take me seriously when i talk about it. i think she thinks its just a phase, or that its not important because i should be doing my recorder/violin/every other instrument i got made to play instead. its frustrating because acctually it means a lot to me. its the first instrument that I chose to play. the forst thing in music im doing because i want to do it, and not because i have to. even the psych from the CMHT said that its really positive, because im making music my own, and not my grans, and it annoys me that my mum cant really see it as a positive thing. all she goes on about is how impracticle it would be, and how expensive and useless it is. :-(
it bugs me with her, that she is like it a lot. she never really treats things as positive, silly things like when i was going to get a kindle because i had read about how much it can help dyslexia, she made it out like i was wasting my money and that it was a stupid idea... of course now she has seen mine, she is going to buy one for my little sister... she wouldnt even look at the bloody review online because she thought it was a waste of time before.
it a bit like she just doesnt approve of anything i do...
not that i should care.
seen my gran a bit. i still find it hard, i never know what to think when she is nice. i cant get my head around it. i dont trust her, yet at the same time, the adult part of me knows she genuinly loves me, and wouldnt MEAN to hurt me...even if that never really worked out when i was younger.
part of me wants to let go, and let it be, and the other part of me wants to scream at her, and tell her what she did.
i want to know why it was me she picked on, and why i could never be good enough... you know, she told me the other day 'you had a really good sound on that violin', to which i replied 'ye it was a nice violin', and then she said 'well its you that produces the sound, not the violin, you would sound good on any violin...'
now why did she never tell me that when she was teaching me?!!! :-(
she spent all day every day telling me how bad i had done, or how i hadent practiced, and how i should have done better, and should not be so lazy.
i have a friend who is scared of her, because my gran literally shouted her out the house when she was helping me with a GCSE essay, because i 'should have been practicing' for my grade 8.
most times i did music exams, i was doing more then one on a day, up to 3 in fact, and we are talking grade 7,8 and diplomas, now 1 or 2, and she STILL told me off when i was only getting merits or distinctions (yes, believe it or now, when i got distinctions, i 'should have gotten a higher one'
and i was doing all of that whilst completing GCSE's, A Levels, having the shit kicked out of me at school on a regular basis, going between self harm and anorexia, and spending pretty much every night/weekend doing music courses or drama.
part of me just wants her to see it :-?
needless to say food hasnt been the easiest. i just feel out of control.
ironically this is probably the most in control i have ever been of my ED, but it feels like chaos.
and this is probably why i am up on the internet when i should be asleep.
im petrafied to stop and have headspace because quite frankly there are too many not very nice thoughts that are flying through my head.
i want to please my ED, but i want to please everyone else, and i want to not eat, but i dont want to be in hospital, and i want to loose weight, but i know its all pointless... i feel like one of those stretchy men, being pulled in a million directions, and im not quite sure which im going in.
im trying to please every part of me, but it just isnt possible, because either i please my ED or i please the real me...
being a people pleaser sucks!!!!
and you know, im only here because i should be asleep right now... really must sort out my life!!!
staranise, yes, coffee would be ace, when and where? im easy and pretty free (i really need to stop telling people im easy...!!!)
whats happened in lottie land as of late...
well, the exciting thing is that i finally have my recorder back :banana:
when i got it back from america, the keys wouldnt work properly, so i had to send it off to a guy near my parents home to sort it all out :( he basically re did the keywork, and it works well now, but i may as well have just given it to him in the first place!!! was very very angry with what a bad job/how much i was charged, and how shit the customer service was... need to write a letter of complaint, because i basically spend £450 getting something done that i then had to spend another £60 to have someone else fix :?
i also now have a new violin case and bow (nice 3/4 bam case, went to put my violin bow in only to realise that it was a full size and wouldnt fit in the case!), and a new chin and shoulder rest so it all acctually fits me properly... it amazes me that in all the time i was made to play music (19 years?), no one ever thought to check i was playing on the right sized instrument, or adjust the instrument accordingly so i didnt hurt myself... my family really do puzzle me :?
also called up to see when i would get a therapist, and finally i have been given a date part way through march :clap: the only thing is the psych at the ed place told me maybe i should get it through the CMHT instead, but that would likely mean waiting another 6 months., and i get a sneaky suspicion it could be funding related rather then him actually thinking about me. i have an assessment with the CMHT psych department 17th of march, so i guess il wait and see.
have a harp lesson with the scary college harp teacher monday which is cool. sounds silly, but im kinda frustrated that my mum doesnt take me seriously when i talk about it. i think she thinks its just a phase, or that its not important because i should be doing my recorder/violin/every other instrument i got made to play instead. its frustrating because acctually it means a lot to me. its the first instrument that I chose to play. the forst thing in music im doing because i want to do it, and not because i have to. even the psych from the CMHT said that its really positive, because im making music my own, and not my grans, and it annoys me that my mum cant really see it as a positive thing. all she goes on about is how impracticle it would be, and how expensive and useless it is. :-(
it bugs me with her, that she is like it a lot. she never really treats things as positive, silly things like when i was going to get a kindle because i had read about how much it can help dyslexia, she made it out like i was wasting my money and that it was a stupid idea... of course now she has seen mine, she is going to buy one for my little sister... she wouldnt even look at the bloody review online because she thought it was a waste of time before.
it a bit like she just doesnt approve of anything i do...
not that i should care.
seen my gran a bit. i still find it hard, i never know what to think when she is nice. i cant get my head around it. i dont trust her, yet at the same time, the adult part of me knows she genuinly loves me, and wouldnt MEAN to hurt me...even if that never really worked out when i was younger.
part of me wants to let go, and let it be, and the other part of me wants to scream at her, and tell her what she did.
i want to know why it was me she picked on, and why i could never be good enough... you know, she told me the other day 'you had a really good sound on that violin', to which i replied 'ye it was a nice violin', and then she said 'well its you that produces the sound, not the violin, you would sound good on any violin...'
now why did she never tell me that when she was teaching me?!!! :-(
she spent all day every day telling me how bad i had done, or how i hadent practiced, and how i should have done better, and should not be so lazy.
i have a friend who is scared of her, because my gran literally shouted her out the house when she was helping me with a GCSE essay, because i 'should have been practicing' for my grade 8.
most times i did music exams, i was doing more then one on a day, up to 3 in fact, and we are talking grade 7,8 and diplomas, now 1 or 2, and she STILL told me off when i was only getting merits or distinctions (yes, believe it or now, when i got distinctions, i 'should have gotten a higher one'
and i was doing all of that whilst completing GCSE's, A Levels, having the shit kicked out of me at school on a regular basis, going between self harm and anorexia, and spending pretty much every night/weekend doing music courses or drama.
part of me just wants her to see it :-?
needless to say food hasnt been the easiest. i just feel out of control.
ironically this is probably the most in control i have ever been of my ED, but it feels like chaos.
and this is probably why i am up on the internet when i should be asleep.
im petrafied to stop and have headspace because quite frankly there are too many not very nice thoughts that are flying through my head.
i want to please my ED, but i want to please everyone else, and i want to not eat, but i dont want to be in hospital, and i want to loose weight, but i know its all pointless... i feel like one of those stretchy men, being pulled in a million directions, and im not quite sure which im going in.
im trying to please every part of me, but it just isnt possible, because either i please my ED or i please the real me...
being a people pleaser sucks!!!!
Saturday, 12 February 2011
twatty house mate
well, here is my rant for today...
my twatty house mate, who never lets me use 'her bath', seems to have let people through my bedroom to use MY ensuite bathroom... i am NOT impressed. if there had been permission asked, or if maybe i was aloud to use her bathroom for a bath occasionally, i would not be feeling so bitter, but i think it just takes the piss really... its my space, my room, and i dont want people i dont know going through it, without me knowing (especially not as its a shit tip, and thats why the door was closed...!) i dont want to sound petty by bringing it up, but its not the first time, the last time someone walked in on my when i was getting changed because she said they could use my bathroom. major issues with privacy :?
she winde me up so bloody much! x
my twatty house mate, who never lets me use 'her bath', seems to have let people through my bedroom to use MY ensuite bathroom... i am NOT impressed. if there had been permission asked, or if maybe i was aloud to use her bathroom for a bath occasionally, i would not be feeling so bitter, but i think it just takes the piss really... its my space, my room, and i dont want people i dont know going through it, without me knowing (especially not as its a shit tip, and thats why the door was closed...!) i dont want to sound petty by bringing it up, but its not the first time, the last time someone walked in on my when i was getting changed because she said they could use my bathroom. major issues with privacy :?
she winde me up so bloody much! x
Sunday, 6 February 2011
home sweet home =-)
hello lovelies,
well, im back home, and i think it has actually done me quite a lot of good!
im eating a bit more again, mainly because there are others im eating with, and i didnt skip on breakfast today
still feeling pretty rough, on top of feeling very washed out, my glands are up...grrrrrrrr! stupid period letting other things sneak in!
had a dinner party earlier, which i found a tad hard, especially as one guy barley ate and was tiny... closet anorexic me thinks, but made things very difficult. still, i did eat and didnt throw up, so thats good.
thinking of going to the old beat group in london i used to go to tomorrow morning, actually very nerves about it. still, i think it would be a good thing, just aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!
had a bit of a bust up with F the whoman who runs it (thinks she is recovered, very clearly isnt), who when i got back in touch, asked me to to a concert...to which i replied with 'i dont think thats an appropriate thing to ask at this point in time', but i dont know that she took it very well. however, its stupid to ask, when im clearly not doing well, and have not been at music college since april last year... there is a time and a place!
apart from that, not much to say really, not done much today, spent most of the day on the sofa trying to swallow!
anyway, to bed i must go!
well, im back home, and i think it has actually done me quite a lot of good!
im eating a bit more again, mainly because there are others im eating with, and i didnt skip on breakfast today
still feeling pretty rough, on top of feeling very washed out, my glands are up...grrrrrrrr! stupid period letting other things sneak in!
had a dinner party earlier, which i found a tad hard, especially as one guy barley ate and was tiny... closet anorexic me thinks, but made things very difficult. still, i did eat and didnt throw up, so thats good.
thinking of going to the old beat group in london i used to go to tomorrow morning, actually very nerves about it. still, i think it would be a good thing, just aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!
had a bit of a bust up with F the whoman who runs it (thinks she is recovered, very clearly isnt), who when i got back in touch, asked me to to a concert...to which i replied with 'i dont think thats an appropriate thing to ask at this point in time', but i dont know that she took it very well. however, its stupid to ask, when im clearly not doing well, and have not been at music college since april last year... there is a time and a place!
apart from that, not much to say really, not done much today, spent most of the day on the sofa trying to swallow!
anyway, to bed i must go!
Thursday, 3 February 2011
cramps cramps cramps
hello,
well i got some time out bars to keep in the cupboard... kinda a compromise with both sides of my brain...they are yummy tho!
today has been pretty crappy, feeling very very washed out and exhausted. been shakey pretty much all day, and have bad period cramps.
went to ballet coz i thought it might help the cramps, but was so shakey by the end of it that i dont know it helped. my teacher asked if i had eaten today, and told me i needed to eat some carbs n keep my vitamin intake up, and bring something like lucazade to class to drink :( drinking calories scares the crap out of me, but i know she is probably right.
hoping its just my period playing up, and that next time il be fine again.
still finding food a bit hard, i need to up my intake again, this weekend aught to be easier with that because il be at home anyway.
anyway, going to go to bed and be miserable with my cramps and some bbc iplayer! night xxxxx
well i got some time out bars to keep in the cupboard... kinda a compromise with both sides of my brain...they are yummy tho!
today has been pretty crappy, feeling very very washed out and exhausted. been shakey pretty much all day, and have bad period cramps.
went to ballet coz i thought it might help the cramps, but was so shakey by the end of it that i dont know it helped. my teacher asked if i had eaten today, and told me i needed to eat some carbs n keep my vitamin intake up, and bring something like lucazade to class to drink :( drinking calories scares the crap out of me, but i know she is probably right.
hoping its just my period playing up, and that next time il be fine again.
still finding food a bit hard, i need to up my intake again, this weekend aught to be easier with that because il be at home anyway.
anyway, going to go to bed and be miserable with my cramps and some bbc iplayer! night xxxxx
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
=-(
indeed they dont...twats!
(pluss thanks for the explanation, makes a lot more sense!)
well today im feeling quite :-(
had group today, which was pretty hard. was in tears for a lot of it, mainly feeling angry/upset re lack of help and lack of anyone giving a shit... turns out a lot of the others feel the same, which sure says something about the nhs.
was hard, because yet again i was the last to talk, and didnt really get to talk much. (everyone asks how people are, and i always either dont get asked or dont have time :-? ). i felt bad because the only reason someone asked is coz i was crying, feel like i almost unintentionally blackmailed them into it.
also, one of the people running it (gerard) is leaving in 2 weeks, i reckon they have cut the funding because his job isnt being replaced, and he doesn't look happy about it... also the person taking over is some crazy nurse from IP that n0oooooo one likes! she is patronizing and annoying, and spent the first 3 weeks of ip telling me i didnt need to be there.
also started my periods again. first one since end of august, been 5 months, and although i know i should be happy, im really not. i know logically it doesnt make me fat, but in my head it really does :(
aaaannndddd.... my friend paddy has asked me to move in with him in march... logically for me, it alll makes sense. he is lovely, very caring, we get on really well, its £100 cheaper then where i am, and it secures me having someone to live with (which i am very worried about).
so, i told my flat mate anna, and she has majorly guilt tipped me :( with 'well, i dont know what to do, all my exams are in april, if i move i will have to re sort all my things, and its just for a few months, why cant he wait? etc etc'... i have said i will pay an extra month (so till april) and that if she gets really stuck il stick it out til she wants to move in june :-?
the thing is, she left me homeless for the summer, she screwed around not paying rent, expecting me to pay an extra month at the begining. she kept going on at me about the flipping electric bill when i wasnt even living there and was in hospital. she wont give a toss if i want to stay a month longer (i know she wouldnt cover it), yet she makes me feel bad for giving her plenty of time to move?
and on top of that i was probably very stupid and did a very anorexic shop at tesco :? spent over an hour dawdling around (some guy even stopped to ask if i was ok!) and got all the low cal crap i feel safest with, and went back to not picking up the things i really feel like...
why am i being so stupid?!!!
(pluss thanks for the explanation, makes a lot more sense!)
well today im feeling quite :-(
had group today, which was pretty hard. was in tears for a lot of it, mainly feeling angry/upset re lack of help and lack of anyone giving a shit... turns out a lot of the others feel the same, which sure says something about the nhs.
was hard, because yet again i was the last to talk, and didnt really get to talk much. (everyone asks how people are, and i always either dont get asked or dont have time :-? ). i felt bad because the only reason someone asked is coz i was crying, feel like i almost unintentionally blackmailed them into it.
also, one of the people running it (gerard) is leaving in 2 weeks, i reckon they have cut the funding because his job isnt being replaced, and he doesn't look happy about it... also the person taking over is some crazy nurse from IP that n0oooooo one likes! she is patronizing and annoying, and spent the first 3 weeks of ip telling me i didnt need to be there.
also started my periods again. first one since end of august, been 5 months, and although i know i should be happy, im really not. i know logically it doesnt make me fat, but in my head it really does :(
aaaannndddd.... my friend paddy has asked me to move in with him in march... logically for me, it alll makes sense. he is lovely, very caring, we get on really well, its £100 cheaper then where i am, and it secures me having someone to live with (which i am very worried about).
so, i told my flat mate anna, and she has majorly guilt tipped me :( with 'well, i dont know what to do, all my exams are in april, if i move i will have to re sort all my things, and its just for a few months, why cant he wait? etc etc'... i have said i will pay an extra month (so till april) and that if she gets really stuck il stick it out til she wants to move in june :-?
the thing is, she left me homeless for the summer, she screwed around not paying rent, expecting me to pay an extra month at the begining. she kept going on at me about the flipping electric bill when i wasnt even living there and was in hospital. she wont give a toss if i want to stay a month longer (i know she wouldnt cover it), yet she makes me feel bad for giving her plenty of time to move?
and on top of that i was probably very stupid and did a very anorexic shop at tesco :? spent over an hour dawdling around (some guy even stopped to ask if i was ok!) and got all the low cal crap i feel safest with, and went back to not picking up the things i really feel like...
why am i being so stupid?!!!
bloody recorder teacher!
today has been pretty mixed.
i had a lesson with my teacher, and you know, she really pissed me off.
i had stopeed talking about things with her a llooooong time ago, because i know she doesnt get it, and just winds me up.
today i walked in, she asked how i was, i said fine. soooo she asked how things were going health wise, i said 'same old, but have only had like 1 appointment since i left hospital' and she said WELL MAYBE THEY THING YOUR BETTER THEN! with a bit :smile: on her face...
now, i know optimism is a gift that i truely dont have right now, but you know what, i just wanted to scream at her that ITS NOT THAT FUCKING SIMPLE. :evil: i wish it was, i really do. i wish it was a case of me magically being cured, but its not, and i knew she would say something like that, and i know she thinks im attention seeking/making things sound worse then they are when i tell her that thats not exactly why i havent been iven appointments, but it just makes me so annoyed.
there is a reason i no longer talk to her, and that is it. when i told her about daycare, she said 'o, do you really think you need it? i thought you were better'. and when i went into IP she said 'did you drop loads of weight or something? you werent that thin last time i saw you'
and this is all coming from the whoman who 'dabbled a bit in uni' so thinks she magically gets it all, and thinks she knows just how easy it is to be better :-?
o yes, and on top of that she keeps pushing me to do exams...
sometimes people really are deserving of a hit round the head.
i had a lesson with my teacher, and you know, she really pissed me off.
i had stopeed talking about things with her a llooooong time ago, because i know she doesnt get it, and just winds me up.
today i walked in, she asked how i was, i said fine. soooo she asked how things were going health wise, i said 'same old, but have only had like 1 appointment since i left hospital' and she said WELL MAYBE THEY THING YOUR BETTER THEN! with a bit :smile: on her face...
now, i know optimism is a gift that i truely dont have right now, but you know what, i just wanted to scream at her that ITS NOT THAT FUCKING SIMPLE. :evil: i wish it was, i really do. i wish it was a case of me magically being cured, but its not, and i knew she would say something like that, and i know she thinks im attention seeking/making things sound worse then they are when i tell her that thats not exactly why i havent been iven appointments, but it just makes me so annoyed.
there is a reason i no longer talk to her, and that is it. when i told her about daycare, she said 'o, do you really think you need it? i thought you were better'. and when i went into IP she said 'did you drop loads of weight or something? you werent that thin last time i saw you'
and this is all coming from the whoman who 'dabbled a bit in uni' so thinks she magically gets it all, and thinks she knows just how easy it is to be better :-?
o yes, and on top of that she keeps pushing me to do exams...
sometimes people really are deserving of a hit round the head.
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
brain be gone... now wouldn't that be a nice name for a nice invention
hello lovely people,
well as the title suggests, kinda having a bit of a eeeeek day really.
just finding food/body image/recovery pretty hard.
i miss being smaller, and i miss feeling hungry. i miss fitting into my 'thin' cloths, and challenging myself to go x amount of time without food. i miss the distraction it provided, from im not quite sure what.
i feel pretty miserable in myself, for no good reason.
im sad iv landed up here, because i look at photoes of me as a kid and want to scream at someone and tell them what was going on. i want to punch the teachers that said 'im sure they are just trying to be your friends' after id had spitballs chucked at me, and barbie girl sang at me every time i went into a class for a year. i want to punch the bloody teachers who saw me being beaten up, and basket balls chucked at my head, and did nothing. i want to scream at the people who did it, because i know they have gotten on with there lives and are fine, and its just not fair. i still hate being in crowds because it reminds me to much of when they crowded round me. i cant work out when people are just joking around because it all reminds me too much of what went on before.
im scared of being myself, and the eating disorder was a marvelous mask. nothing touched me, because not eating and loosing weight were all that mattered, and without it i feel naked and unprotected, and i dont know how to do this. i dont know how to live without it.
i just wish things were different, i wish someone had have done something. i wish my family had of been different, but they are the same as ever. i was thinking about why im not really religious earlier, and you know? it all boils down to when i was about 7, and was really unhappy and i asked god for some help, and he did bugger all too. it didn't make sense to me that he could possibly exist if id asked and he didn't help... either that or it just meant i must have been a really bad person... which is kinda the message i got from everything that went on. why else would it happen? i must have been nasty or horrible.
i just feel like iv been left to just get on with things, and not been given any help. its just been a case of taking away my one bloody life float, and chucking me back in again.
its been over 3 months since coming out of hospital, and i have had basically no support.
how do i keep this up when i feel like im cracking further apart every day?
well as the title suggests, kinda having a bit of a eeeeek day really.
just finding food/body image/recovery pretty hard.
i miss being smaller, and i miss feeling hungry. i miss fitting into my 'thin' cloths, and challenging myself to go x amount of time without food. i miss the distraction it provided, from im not quite sure what.
i feel pretty miserable in myself, for no good reason.
im sad iv landed up here, because i look at photoes of me as a kid and want to scream at someone and tell them what was going on. i want to punch the teachers that said 'im sure they are just trying to be your friends' after id had spitballs chucked at me, and barbie girl sang at me every time i went into a class for a year. i want to punch the bloody teachers who saw me being beaten up, and basket balls chucked at my head, and did nothing. i want to scream at the people who did it, because i know they have gotten on with there lives and are fine, and its just not fair. i still hate being in crowds because it reminds me to much of when they crowded round me. i cant work out when people are just joking around because it all reminds me too much of what went on before.
im scared of being myself, and the eating disorder was a marvelous mask. nothing touched me, because not eating and loosing weight were all that mattered, and without it i feel naked and unprotected, and i dont know how to do this. i dont know how to live without it.
i just wish things were different, i wish someone had have done something. i wish my family had of been different, but they are the same as ever. i was thinking about why im not really religious earlier, and you know? it all boils down to when i was about 7, and was really unhappy and i asked god for some help, and he did bugger all too. it didn't make sense to me that he could possibly exist if id asked and he didn't help... either that or it just meant i must have been a really bad person... which is kinda the message i got from everything that went on. why else would it happen? i must have been nasty or horrible.
i just feel like iv been left to just get on with things, and not been given any help. its just been a case of taking away my one bloody life float, and chucking me back in again.
its been over 3 months since coming out of hospital, and i have had basically no support.
how do i keep this up when i feel like im cracking further apart every day?
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