the letter challenge...

ok lovelies,

well, i challenge you to this recovery excercise...

i have written 2 letters. the first is me a year from now if i stay ill.
the second is me recovered.

i challenge you to do the same, sometimes it can be a really useful kick!!!

letter 1

Dear Lottie,

well, here we are...again.
you have had to take yet another year out of college, due to fucking everything up.

this year has been pretty shit...you thought last one was bad, but this just takes the piss.
shortly after coming out of hospital, you quite trying to recover, and decided looseing weight was the only thing to make you happy...how wrong you are.

you have lost weight, yes. you are down to a new low, and you would think that would make you extatic, but your more depressed now then ever.

you are constantly cold, tired, shakey. your hair is so dry and crappy its falling out. your skin and lips are cracked, and everything is so achey...even lying in bed hurts again.

you are constantly up, wide awake. sleeping went out the window when you started restricting again, so you fill your time excercising, counting the calories you wont let yourself eat, or purging... just like before you cant even have a glass of water without purging, let alone a drink with friends.

you are sad and lonley...still. Paddy got fed up with living with you, so your living alone now, and you dont have time to socialise... no one wants to see you anyway.

you know how you said you would never acctually try to commit suicide? that the pills were just a saftey net? that was bollox too... you tried, and got found. its still on your mind every day... living is too hard and too much effort.

they are talking about hospital again... another chunck of time wasted gaining weight again.

this isnt living.


letter 2...

Dear Lottie,

WOW!!!

i never thought i would say this, but you friging rock!!!

you managed to compleate your degree with a first! (for a dyslexic that isnt half bad!!!), and everyone was so proud. you are just about to start a postgrad to do art therapy, how exciting is that? you can finally study and learn to help others... i remember this being the plan for like the last 10 years, and you never thought you would manage it...how cool are you?!

you have come out of college with loads of people around, and all are keeping in touch.

you also set up a medeival group called 'InPro', and its starting to do really well, and your chamber group is really taking off. you even have a concert in the wigmore hall coming up (remember how you were so scared to even dream that maybe you could get somewhere with your playing?).

i can not tell you how proud i am of you, that you have come out of the other side, and are finally starting to acctually live!

o, and by the way, your long term partner has proposed, so you are planning your wedding, and he really wants kids to... wont that be worth the periods?!

i can finally really say, that you love yourself. you love your faults, and your slightly nutty ways, and you are no longer afraid that no one else will.

all my love,

Lottie xxxxxxx