should be asleep!

thank you lovely,
im trying!

today has been a little better, iv been out n about more, and we had a performance class in college which i sat in on, and realised i am a compleate geek!

someone was doing medieval music, and i realised that i know/have read more on it then anyone else...! also had a lecture on french baroque dance, which was interesting.

back home tonight, saw a friend, and now just getting ready for bed.

food has been a bit mixed, i feel like iv eaten a ton, but logically i know i probably havent, and that im up from 8am-3am so will ofcourse feel hungrier then if i wasnt awake so long.

had a very odd/sickening realisation today. i got curiouse, as to how much an average concentration camp victim was given to eat (bearing in mind, a lot of my family were killed in them in nazi germany), and it seems that at its worst, people were eating around 600kcal...AT ITS WORST. and the average weight of an inmate, was 40kg... now i find it a bit nuts, that at my worst i was eating less, and my 'ideal' weight i wanted to be was far lower... is that fucked up or what?! :-?

i kinda feel overwhelmingly guilty that those things were imposed on my family, when im doing it/have done it to myself... maybe guilt isnt the right feeling, maybe its more just a feeling of 'woah, thats just wrong'

i often wonder weather i need to just 'grow up and get on with it'... but maybe thats rather a harsh response, and not appropriate either, but it seems to be what my head thinks. i want it to just be that easy.

still, no point giving up, there never is! x