brain be gone... now wouldn't that be a nice name for a nice invention

hello lovely people,

well as the title suggests, kinda having a bit of a eeeeek day really.

just finding food/body image/recovery pretty hard.

i miss being smaller, and i miss feeling hungry. i miss fitting into my 'thin' cloths, and challenging myself to go x amount of time without food. i miss the distraction it provided, from im not quite sure what.

i feel pretty miserable in myself, for no good reason.
im sad iv landed up here, because i look at photoes of me as a kid and want to scream at someone and tell them what was going on. i want to punch the teachers that said 'im sure they are just trying to be your friends' after id had spitballs chucked at me, and barbie girl sang at me every time i went into a class for a year. i want to punch the bloody teachers who saw me being beaten up, and basket balls chucked at my head, and did nothing. i want to scream at the people who did it, because i know they have gotten on with there lives and are fine, and its just not fair. i still hate being in crowds because it reminds me to much of when they crowded round me. i cant work out when people are just joking around because it all reminds me too much of what went on before.
im scared of being myself, and the eating disorder was a marvelous mask. nothing touched me, because not eating and loosing weight were all that mattered, and without it i feel naked and unprotected, and i dont know how to do this. i dont know how to live without it.

i just wish things were different, i wish someone had have done something. i wish my family had of been different, but they are the same as ever. i was thinking about why im not really religious earlier, and you know? it all boils down to when i was about 7, and was really unhappy and i asked god for some help, and he did bugger all too. it didn't make sense to me that he could possibly exist if id asked and he didn't help... either that or it just meant i must have been a really bad person... which is kinda the message i got from everything that went on. why else would it happen? i must have been nasty or horrible.

i just feel like iv been left to just get on with things, and not been given any help. its just been a case of taking away my one bloody life float, and chucking me back in again.

its been over 3 months since coming out of hospital, and i have had basically no support.

how do i keep this up when i feel like im cracking further apart every day?