woah brain!

man, i have been waaaayyyy to lazy/anti social....

and you know, im only here because i should be asleep right now... really must sort out my life!!!

staranise, yes, coffee would be ace, when and where? im easy and pretty free (i really need to stop telling people im easy...!!!)

whats happened in lottie land as of late...

well, the exciting thing is that i finally have my recorder back :banana:
when i got it back from america, the keys wouldnt work properly, so i had to send it off to a guy near my parents home to sort it all out :( he basically re did the keywork, and it works well now, but i may as well have just given it to him in the first place!!! was very very angry with what a bad job/how much i was charged, and how shit the customer service was... need to write a letter of complaint, because i basically spend £450 getting something done that i then had to spend another £60 to have someone else fix :?

i also now have a new violin case and bow (nice 3/4 bam case, went to put my violin bow in only to realise that it was a full size and wouldnt fit in the case!), and a new chin and shoulder rest so it all acctually fits me properly... it amazes me that in all the time i was made to play music (19 years?), no one ever thought to check i was playing on the right sized instrument, or adjust the instrument accordingly so i didnt hurt myself... my family really do puzzle me :?

also called up to see when i would get a therapist, and finally i have been given a date part way through march :clap: the only thing is the psych at the ed place told me maybe i should get it through the CMHT instead, but that would likely mean waiting another 6 months., and i get a sneaky suspicion it could be funding related rather then him actually thinking about me. i have an assessment with the CMHT psych department 17th of march, so i guess il wait and see.

have a harp lesson with the scary college harp teacher monday which is cool. sounds silly, but im kinda frustrated that my mum doesnt take me seriously when i talk about it. i think she thinks its just a phase, or that its not important because i should be doing my recorder/violin/every other instrument i got made to play instead. its frustrating because acctually it means a lot to me. its the first instrument that I chose to play. the forst thing in music im doing because i want to do it, and not because i have to. even the psych from the CMHT said that its really positive, because im making music my own, and not my grans, and it annoys me that my mum cant really see it as a positive thing. all she goes on about is how impracticle it would be, and how expensive and useless it is. :-(

it bugs me with her, that she is like it a lot. she never really treats things as positive, silly things like when i was going to get a kindle because i had read about how much it can help dyslexia, she made it out like i was wasting my money and that it was a stupid idea... of course now she has seen mine, she is going to buy one for my little sister... she wouldnt even look at the bloody review online because she thought it was a waste of time before.

it a bit like she just doesnt approve of anything i do...
not that i should care.

seen my gran a bit. i still find it hard, i never know what to think when she is nice. i cant get my head around it. i dont trust her, yet at the same time, the adult part of me knows she genuinly loves me, and wouldnt MEAN to hurt me...even if that never really worked out when i was younger.
part of me wants to let go, and let it be, and the other part of me wants to scream at her, and tell her what she did.
i want to know why it was me she picked on, and why i could never be good enough... you know, she told me the other day 'you had a really good sound on that violin', to which i replied 'ye it was a nice violin', and then she said 'well its you that produces the sound, not the violin, you would sound good on any violin...'

now why did she never tell me that when she was teaching me?!!! :-(
she spent all day every day telling me how bad i had done, or how i hadent practiced, and how i should have done better, and should not be so lazy.
i have a friend who is scared of her, because my gran literally shouted her out the house when she was helping me with a GCSE essay, because i 'should have been practicing' for my grade 8.

most times i did music exams, i was doing more then one on a day, up to 3 in fact, and we are talking grade 7,8 and diplomas, now 1 or 2, and she STILL told me off when i was only getting merits or distinctions (yes, believe it or now, when i got distinctions, i 'should have gotten a higher one'

and i was doing all of that whilst completing GCSE's, A Levels, having the shit kicked out of me at school on a regular basis, going between self harm and anorexia, and spending pretty much every night/weekend doing music courses or drama.

part of me just wants her to see it :-?

needless to say food hasnt been the easiest. i just feel out of control.
ironically this is probably the most in control i have ever been of my ED, but it feels like chaos.

and this is probably why i am up on the internet when i should be asleep.

im petrafied to stop and have headspace because quite frankly there are too many not very nice thoughts that are flying through my head.

i want to please my ED, but i want to please everyone else, and i want to not eat, but i dont want to be in hospital, and i want to loose weight, but i know its all pointless... i feel like one of those stretchy men, being pulled in a million directions, and im not quite sure which im going in.

im trying to please every part of me, but it just isnt possible, because either i please my ED or i please the real me...

being a people pleaser sucks!!!!