feeling really quite shit

i feel all :-(

today the new girl did really well with food, but that was because she asked me to sit and support her through it, and i did. all the staff said thank you, and asked if i had thought of becoming a nurse, only i feel really crap in myself.
i got on and ate, because i had to show her it was ok, but im feeling no better about food then usual.

i hate the way im looking, and i hate the taste of food. i tried shortbread as a snack, but all i could taste was butter and if it wasnt for the new girl needing to see its ok i would have walked out without finishing it =-(

finding things really really hard.

i have 2 weeks and 2 days left, and i am deserate for more time. i cant stand that im still struggling so much and they are just chucking me on to things and not doing anything to help.

they dont listen if i talk, so it seems stupid trying. i may as well save my breath because every time i have tried to tell them what i think/feel they ignore it anyway.

mum knows, and wants to talk to them, but i doubt they will listen to her either.

i dont know what to do. it like someone has waved a rattle infront of a baby and then taken it away. i can see with the right help i could get better, but they arent giving me enough time to do it. i am still freaking out
/ feeling to guilty to eat, just like the first bloody week i was here.

i wish either they would give me enough time, or that i had never have started here in the first place.

=,-( maybe there is no way out anymore.

i have an ed in my head

and he wont bugger off!
bloody bastered!

i havent posted for a while, not felt very talkative.

i have under 3 weeks left now, and im scared.
they are pushing me through things so fast (they have admitted they wouldnt if i had more time there). like im now unsupervised for all snacks and lunch and portioning breakfast, and next week i will be unsupervised for everything and also cooking/food shipping... reguardless of the fact that im still having major struggles... it just feels like a bit of a joke.

i mean rushing me through things isnt exactly giving me enough time to get used to any of it.

at this rate, ed is gripping on tight and i dont have the time/support to boot him out the door.

i had leave this weekend, 3-11 the next day friday, and 9-5 today.
skipped breakfast coz i was an idiot an weighed myself, and skipped afternoon snack today because im a twat.

also had 1/2 a pizza for lunch today (yay), and friday night (yay), but they spoiled my feeling proud by telling me i should have had carbs with it...

so all in all i am not doing so great.

i think its because im scared of not managing it, i dont know.

i wish i could be ok =-(

i wish they would give me a little more time.

the ironic thing is, if i was a few pounds lighter, they would, and they would make me get to a bmi of 20-21, yet because its only 18.8 im not that ill and even tho im naturally a stone and a bit heavier they dont care and wont help me get there/maintain it. it feels like when you dont want help, they chuck it at you, but as soon as you want it they take it away.


ed still wants me to loose weight. i need a new brain.

weight explosion...

well, this morning and i didnt cross just 1 dreaded number, i went strait off and crossed 2 =-(
i have gone from 43.9kg on thursday, to 45kg today =,-(
i have never felt this shitty and then had to eat a full fucking day of food.

thats over a kg in a few days.

i know logically that its probaby water weight from my purging last week, or my period aproaching, or water weight from restricting over the weekend, but it is playing on my mind.

i went on leave, i was walking around all day both days, and it still shot up a kg, it was meant to go down, and instead it went up, even tho i wasnt eating enough... FATTTTTYYYYY.

im hoping and praying it will go back down by thursday, otherwise i may have to leave just so i dont turn into a bloody hippo.

its pushed my bmi to bloody 19... i hate it. want it back down again NOW.

i just feel like i look so bloody fat. i look at my stomach and thighs and they are disgusting. i am in big baggy trousers and tshirt because im to scared of putting on my size 6 jeans incase they dont fit (even tho i know they do because they did yesterday).

i spoke to my recorder teacher online just now, and she was hinting at me practicing more... normally i would think she was right, but at the moment, it really isnt feeling like the most important or constructive thing. its about time i just focused on getting better and dealing with how i feel rather then just practicing, being wound up and feeling guilty on top of this. lets face it, when i am feeling this crap and stressed, i wont be doing the most constructive practice anyway, and there are enough emotions in my head without adding the extras i get from music (which are many and very strong).

hate being this fat =-(

=-(

soooo...

yesterday was my birthday...

i felt very down all day
found it hard to be around my parents
have had my assesment, and i will be here 4-8 weeks depending (on im not sure what)
didnt have a text/call from any family apart from sue
spent about 2 1/2 hours crying last night
refused my evening snack because i am FAT
had the most painful eyes by the end of it!
lost internet dongle (or its been nicked more like)

today...
i still feel shit
spent the afternoon hiding with my head under my pillow pretending not to exist
had another session with pam the spam in which she told me i need to make friends with people at uni and invite a couple this week to see me in the nut house to start making real relationships
lost a bra in the laundry room
asked for a one to one, and as usual that didnt happen
want to curl up and dissapear.

poo poo poo poo poo.

birthday...

well, i am now 22, and i can tell you, i did not want bloody breakfast first thing. not exactly the present i was wanting!

feeling a bit sad about being here for it. was hoping i would be home and able to do my own thing.
ofcourse, my own thing would have been not eating, but i would have found it easier, i am really struggling with feeling crazily big at the moment. i was in the shower and all i could see with my fat fat legs and tummy. its doing my head in.

just feeling a bit =-(

another day, another ton of food!

well,
still here, still eating, and still alive!

today has been okish, i dont know, mixed mixed but a better mix then the last few days.

i have gone another day without purging, and i havent self harmed either, in any way which is good.

my weight has stayed the same, but its still freaking me out, i hate it.

had appointment with one of the doctors, was good to chat to him, i explained more about the time i wanted (as in be given some time to maintain my weight), he said that they will probably want me at a BMI of 20, which gave me the chance to say, yes, if i had some maintanence time, so hopefully he will take that on bored.
i also told him things had been pretty hard and spoke it through with him.

found meals hard, especially lunch. it was sandwhich and crisps, and i cant stand seeing the marge on the sandwhich. i could see it and taste that with full fat cheese. a big challenge. got caught trying to squeeze the marge out, which is probably a good thing, but annoyed me!
dinner was lasagne =-s

after dinner, sarah came and grabbed me to finishof the timeline.
she was surprisingly nice!
i think we miss understood each other to begin with, and she has been quite open to me that he first thoughts were wrong, which has made me feel more able to talk to her. after the timeline we had a chat about things, she wants me to talk to staff more still, and to try and tell people when im not ok!
we talked about how i think of myself (attention seeking, needy, useless, fat etc etc), and she went through counteracting them all with what she thinks. it made me feel a bit better about being here when she said 'attention seeking, you need to be here so no'. i guess its a releif to know she isnt thinking im here for no reason any more!

im feeling a little better about things here, i need to work on a lot, especially saying how i am feeling and doing things for me, not others (it has been noticed i tend to chair the groups, i think i tend to fit where there is a need if that makes sense).

i hope tomorrow is ok,

good night! x

managed a day

ok, so here is my positive...

even tho i REALLY wanted to through up/self harm today, i havent.
i have spoken to staff and distracted myself, and even though it feels shit, i know its good.

i have also, after talking about how i can get myself to think of some positives on not purging/eating done a massive thing and stuck it on my wall (see picture as proof below!)

im scared and im worried and im nerves that i will never recover, but im very awear that this is the thinking that is keeping me stuck here.
i need to find a way to rethink things and learn to move on and allow myself to be ok.

also did another page in my scrap book..

(now that i have a phone with camera, i will be posting pictures!) xxx
my walllll



my scapbook page

scrap book pages since beng here...

just 3 pages.
the food one, all the food flips up with similar words to them.

rough day

cant i just leave now and forget everything?

its all too hard.

i went through my time line today with sarah, well some of it, didnt have time to finish.
it just sucked.

she told me that they need to see that bit of me, that she was wondering why i was here, and is really glad that she has found out some stuff... i feel like a mess tho.

i dont know how to act, how to be, my head is a mess.

i didnt manage dinner, had suppliment and after crying half an hour, purged anyway. purged my 7.30 drink in the garden (how grose am i) and my 9.30 snack too... i know i shouldnt but i cant face food right now, and they didnt notice so i got away with it.

there is too much in my head.

i can not convey to you quite how much i hate the person i am.

this person makes me so angry, why couldnt she just get on with things when she was younger? why the fuck couldnt she cope?

she should have been able to. it wasnt that bad, she is just a weak pathetic idiot who deserves it all anyway.

i look back at pictures of myself and i want to rip them apart. how can anyone like someone like me? how the fuck do they think im a nice person? its a fucking joke.

i dont want to eat, because quite frankly i dont give a shit enough to feed myself. i dont want to care for someone i hate, and i dont particularly care weather that person is alive or not.

i have had enough of it all. i want to be aloud to starve and purge, i want to crush the little girl inside me so much that she cant ever make a noise again. i want her pathetic self gone.

i hate myself.

how did i get here?!

i do wonder how on earth i fell into this!
feeling quite shitty today, made the mistake of cutting last night (got desperate and broke a cd, idiot!), just felt so stressed. ended up telling sue today.
she was lovely and very good to talk to, but its all just mind fucky!

i dont want to be doing this but im scared of not doing it
i want to gain weight to be healthy but i already feel obease
i want to get better to have confidence, but dont beleive im worth the hassel
i want to get better but im to petrafied of failing at it and staying the same
i want to eat normally but im scared it will make me fat, and if im fat people will hate me...

yes i know it isnt logical, but it is how i feel... fat=nasty charlotte (not anyone else, i would never judge anyone else like that!)

grrrrr.

body image group was quite hard. we were talking about body checking, and why we do it... also about feeling fat, just brought up a lot.

was also hard as there are a couple of girls who like their attention, and i am not in the mood to be making them feel better, i cant even make myself feel better, let alone them. i know it isnt my responsibility, but i feel so guilty when i cant help, or when i have to turn away and ignore them because it gets to me too much.
i find it hard to hear 'im so fat' and 'o wo is me, life is so bad' comments because, yes i know, but im feeling exactly the same, and you dont see me complaining every 2 seconds! (i think they just remind me of the bits of myself that i hate).

should be asleep, just so much in my head.

one day i will read this and wonder why i found it so hard to just get better, hope its soon.

pro's and cons'

the pro's of going home...

can do what i like
can go out
can see friends
can eat what i like
dont have to eat too much
can loose weight
can be myself
can celebrate my birthday
can go to music college
can weigh myself
can excercise
can purge.

the pro's of staying here...

am eating normally(?)
have to keep food down (?)
wont be alone(?)
people to talk to (?)

the cons of going home:

pretty much giving up on recovery for a while

the cons of staying here...

cant loose weight,
feel like a fraud,
feel like a fat cow
feel stupid.



gaaaaaaaaah =-(

contemplating coming home...

well i guess that says it, im just not sure i should be here.

i had ward review today, and she asked if i was upset things were going well. she said apparently it looks like im worried they think im doing ok. its silly, they make a point about you talking to them, and as soon as you do, they think im making it up for them...
she asked if i felt like i shouldnt be here, and weather i wanted a longer addmission to feel ill enough... noooooooo that was not why i wanted a longer admission, i wanted it because i know what im like at maintainging weight... but nevermind.

i guess a lot of me is thinking i need to leave now before i put on the weight. there is no point putting it on and then leaving n loosign it, i may as well just leave now and not have the stress/hassel.

i dont know, im all very mixed.

yes i do feel stupid being here, and i feel like a fake and a fraud and like a big fat heffer.

i freaked out over dinner yesterday because it was curry, and again i was asked if it was coz i was worried they thought i was doing fine...no, its because im shit scared of curry. idiot.

god almighty, maybe this is the wrong place for me to be, i dont know. maybe i should be at home right now being able to do what i like.

im not sure which side of my head is saying what.

so confused. x

tough day

hello,
everything has been pretty hard anyway, but today was even crappier.
iv had enough of food now, like really had enough of it, and cant contemplate eating this for any length of time.
im feeling gigantic, im not sleeping well, and i can not wait to be out of here.

lunch was shit, i couldnt manage it (potatoe and veg curry), so had to have 2 suppliments (icky bananna flavour).
had ward round, and was told that they are still assessing me, but the rough plan is to finish the 2 week assesment and then have another 4 weeks on top... im scared its not long ewnough. i spoke to them and asked if it was possible to stay longer, they said nothing is set in stone, but that they dont want people to become dependant etc, so im a little worried.

we also had a meeting today, and me and becs got told off for being too close. it was a pile of bullshit, and all the other girls said so (they said we were forming clicks, and werent welcoming others), but it really got to me. it just feels a bit of a joke. they say to make friends, but as soon as you do its seen as co dependancy.

im exhausted, i feel like shit and i dont want to do this incase i get chucked out to soon.

this is the hardest thing i have ever done.