how did i get here?!

i do wonder how on earth i fell into this!
feeling quite shitty today, made the mistake of cutting last night (got desperate and broke a cd, idiot!), just felt so stressed. ended up telling sue today.
she was lovely and very good to talk to, but its all just mind fucky!

i dont want to be doing this but im scared of not doing it
i want to gain weight to be healthy but i already feel obease
i want to get better to have confidence, but dont beleive im worth the hassel
i want to get better but im to petrafied of failing at it and staying the same
i want to eat normally but im scared it will make me fat, and if im fat people will hate me...

yes i know it isnt logical, but it is how i feel... fat=nasty charlotte (not anyone else, i would never judge anyone else like that!)

grrrrr.

body image group was quite hard. we were talking about body checking, and why we do it... also about feeling fat, just brought up a lot.

was also hard as there are a couple of girls who like their attention, and i am not in the mood to be making them feel better, i cant even make myself feel better, let alone them. i know it isnt my responsibility, but i feel so guilty when i cant help, or when i have to turn away and ignore them because it gets to me too much.
i find it hard to hear 'im so fat' and 'o wo is me, life is so bad' comments because, yes i know, but im feeling exactly the same, and you dont see me complaining every 2 seconds! (i think they just remind me of the bits of myself that i hate).

should be asleep, just so much in my head.

one day i will read this and wonder why i found it so hard to just get better, hope its soon.