well, this morning and i didnt cross just 1 dreaded number, i went strait off and crossed 2 =-(
i have gone from 43.9kg on thursday, to 45kg today =,-(
i have never felt this shitty and then had to eat a full fucking day of food.
thats over a kg in a few days.
i know logically that its probaby water weight from my purging last week, or my period aproaching, or water weight from restricting over the weekend, but it is playing on my mind.
i went on leave, i was walking around all day both days, and it still shot up a kg, it was meant to go down, and instead it went up, even tho i wasnt eating enough... FATTTTTYYYYY.
im hoping and praying it will go back down by thursday, otherwise i may have to leave just so i dont turn into a bloody hippo.
its pushed my bmi to bloody 19... i hate it. want it back down again NOW.
i just feel like i look so bloody fat. i look at my stomach and thighs and they are disgusting. i am in big baggy trousers and tshirt because im to scared of putting on my size 6 jeans incase they dont fit (even tho i know they do because they did yesterday).
i spoke to my recorder teacher online just now, and she was hinting at me practicing more... normally i would think she was right, but at the moment, it really isnt feeling like the most important or constructive thing. its about time i just focused on getting better and dealing with how i feel rather then just practicing, being wound up and feeling guilty on top of this. lets face it, when i am feeling this crap and stressed, i wont be doing the most constructive practice anyway, and there are enough emotions in my head without adding the extras i get from music (which are many and very strong).
hate being this fat =-(
Angel u are NOT fat. I know u FEEL it,but its simply not true. If i was at ur bmi would u think i was fat? I dont think u would ;-) I know its hard honey but u are going GREAT so please hang in there and keep going with it,u should be so proud of urself xxx
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