well, you read it =-(
i stepped on the scales at home, and it has gone up to 8 stone and 0.5lb =-( thats over 50kg.
i feel like i have had enough now. my weight is still going up, and i have no idea how long they will go for. i still havent had a period yet, so god knows.
iv tried to let it go, and just ride it out, but this is really not fair now. i cant carry on blindly letting it go up and up and up.
i guess im hoping that these scales are different to my ones at home, but i doubt it. i was hoping my weight would stop at 7 stone 12 like it did last time, but it just keeps going. im only 5lb away from my heaviest weight (when my gran told me i was chubby).
i just have that little voice saying 'just get back down to 7 and a half stone, you were fine there', but i know that i wouldnt stop there.
how long will this take to level?!!!!
Friday, 31 December 2010
Thursday, 30 December 2010
so why is this so hard?!
i can logically see alllll the good sides to being well, but why o why is it so hard to let my self stay here?
constantly thinking, counting calories, desperate to know my weight and make it go lower.
that is allll i am thinking about right now.
i know i shouldn't, but i miss being tiny. i miss feeling small, i miss going into shops and KNOWING that a size 6 will be on the big size, and not having to pick up 8's and 10's because i dont know which i will be (tho usually i seem to be a 9!). i miss knowing exactly what i will eat. i miss filling my day with exercise, when the only thoughts were of how to loose weight. what my next game plan was. i miss challenging myself to reach new limits. i miss spending hours hunting for the lowest calorie snacks. i miss working out exactly what i can eat for dinner that wont push my limit by even 1 calorie. i miss checking myself and finding my ribs, my hips, my spine and collar bone. i miss feeling like i could get through a crowd unnoticed.
in short, i miss my eating disorder.
at the same time, i know i was cold, lonely, tired (tho i feel it more now). i know i could feel everything i sat on, and lying in bed hurt. i know i had horrendous acid reflux, that every time i threw up i ached. that i had a permanently sore throat. i know that i was cold from the inside out, that i was dizzy permanently. that my blood sugar went funny all the time so i would shake, black out or faint. i know that i was starving hungry and that i spent hours looking at what i wouldn't let myself have. i know i was suicidal, that my mouth ulcers were over a cm in diameter, and lasted weeks at a time (4+). i know my skin was so dry it cracked and bled, i know my hair started coming out more. i know my periods stopped (and still haven't come back). i know i couldn't concentrate and i wasn't really in the real world.
in fact, what my cousin said this Christmas really hit home... 'nice to have you back'.
so why am i so desperate to go back to what i know was that bad?
constantly thinking, counting calories, desperate to know my weight and make it go lower.
that is allll i am thinking about right now.
i know i shouldn't, but i miss being tiny. i miss feeling small, i miss going into shops and KNOWING that a size 6 will be on the big size, and not having to pick up 8's and 10's because i dont know which i will be (tho usually i seem to be a 9!). i miss knowing exactly what i will eat. i miss filling my day with exercise, when the only thoughts were of how to loose weight. what my next game plan was. i miss challenging myself to reach new limits. i miss spending hours hunting for the lowest calorie snacks. i miss working out exactly what i can eat for dinner that wont push my limit by even 1 calorie. i miss checking myself and finding my ribs, my hips, my spine and collar bone. i miss feeling like i could get through a crowd unnoticed.
in short, i miss my eating disorder.
at the same time, i know i was cold, lonely, tired (tho i feel it more now). i know i could feel everything i sat on, and lying in bed hurt. i know i had horrendous acid reflux, that every time i threw up i ached. that i had a permanently sore throat. i know that i was cold from the inside out, that i was dizzy permanently. that my blood sugar went funny all the time so i would shake, black out or faint. i know that i was starving hungry and that i spent hours looking at what i wouldn't let myself have. i know i was suicidal, that my mouth ulcers were over a cm in diameter, and lasted weeks at a time (4+). i know my skin was so dry it cracked and bled, i know my hair started coming out more. i know my periods stopped (and still haven't come back). i know i couldn't concentrate and i wasn't really in the real world.
in fact, what my cousin said this Christmas really hit home... 'nice to have you back'.
so why am i so desperate to go back to what i know was that bad?
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
yo
well, hello my lovelies,
i thought i would check in and say hi!
christmas was surprisingly calm!
we all spent the night at different places, which made a huge difference (me, my sis and grandparents were the only ones to stay at my cousins house), i think it gave everyone some cooling space. so, this was the first ever xmas without full blown arguments!!!!!
sure, there were some frought moments, but by comparison it was lovely!
it was also, the first xmas without music (which is probably another reason for a lack of arguments), so apart from a bit of messing about, there were no children being forced into quartets, no adults shouting about someone playing out of time, and no critical comments about someones playing!
didnt really get many presents, tho my little sis and cousins got me some gab little things (my cousin sam got me some crafty film, you mould wire into a shape and dip it into this film, it dries and you can do all sorts with it!), and ofcourse i have my rather funcky bed that im loving!
im finding food a bit hard, xmas its self was ok, tho i found it really hard because all the meals were at odd times (like, just a big meal at half 3, and everyone picking at things). it didnt really help that i got hungry, ate, and then had to have dinner but got hungry after when other people werent etc etc.
im just finding it hard because i want to loose weight.
iv spent all evening wanting to 'binge', so have gone through 3 tangerines, a red pepper, a carrot and 2 sticks of celery and a few flaked almonds... it feels like a very anorexic thing, but i didnt really need more food and i knew if i ate more kcals i would have thrown up, so it seemed more sensible.
i think i maybe didnt have enough earlier, but im not sure.
went shopping, and got a new coat, a top and the vicer of dibly set =-)
need to stop obsessing over calories and weight for a bit! xxxxx
i thought i would check in and say hi!
christmas was surprisingly calm!
we all spent the night at different places, which made a huge difference (me, my sis and grandparents were the only ones to stay at my cousins house), i think it gave everyone some cooling space. so, this was the first ever xmas without full blown arguments!!!!!
sure, there were some frought moments, but by comparison it was lovely!
it was also, the first xmas without music (which is probably another reason for a lack of arguments), so apart from a bit of messing about, there were no children being forced into quartets, no adults shouting about someone playing out of time, and no critical comments about someones playing!
didnt really get many presents, tho my little sis and cousins got me some gab little things (my cousin sam got me some crafty film, you mould wire into a shape and dip it into this film, it dries and you can do all sorts with it!), and ofcourse i have my rather funcky bed that im loving!
im finding food a bit hard, xmas its self was ok, tho i found it really hard because all the meals were at odd times (like, just a big meal at half 3, and everyone picking at things). it didnt really help that i got hungry, ate, and then had to have dinner but got hungry after when other people werent etc etc.
im just finding it hard because i want to loose weight.
iv spent all evening wanting to 'binge', so have gone through 3 tangerines, a red pepper, a carrot and 2 sticks of celery and a few flaked almonds... it feels like a very anorexic thing, but i didnt really need more food and i knew if i ate more kcals i would have thrown up, so it seemed more sensible.
i think i maybe didnt have enough earlier, but im not sure.
went shopping, and got a new coat, a top and the vicer of dibly set =-)
need to stop obsessing over calories and weight for a bit! xxxxx
Saturday, 25 December 2010
'it was the night before christmas and all through the house...'
both ratties and mouse were making a right noise! ;-)
im feeling a bit better then last night, just spent most of it crying, but maybe thats not such a bad thing.
im feeling so weird at the moment, iv come to the realisation that my brother is a bit of a poo. i dont really think he wants me around, infact he doesnt want anyone around who may have had any mental illness... considering he's a docter, i find that rather poo.
i just feel sad that he never talks to me unless i happen to be in the same room as him. he never cares.
i wish it was different.
tonight we had a family dinner, was ok, i ate loads, feel guilty, but nothing new there!
find my family hard, partiicularly with lots of comments about 'how well' im looking.
hopefully tomorrow will be ok, bit worried, i hate arguments, but so far this being in different houses at night seems to be paying off!
heard from a friend who was in IP, she went back in, after taking an overdose =-( its a shame because she is so lovely, and was always inspiring, but im glad she is in a safe place.
im a bit scared to tell bex, because she always looked up to her. worried about her too, i know her xmas will be hard. i miss her.
anyway, off to finish wrapping,
night xxx
im feeling a bit better then last night, just spent most of it crying, but maybe thats not such a bad thing.
im feeling so weird at the moment, iv come to the realisation that my brother is a bit of a poo. i dont really think he wants me around, infact he doesnt want anyone around who may have had any mental illness... considering he's a docter, i find that rather poo.
i just feel sad that he never talks to me unless i happen to be in the same room as him. he never cares.
i wish it was different.
tonight we had a family dinner, was ok, i ate loads, feel guilty, but nothing new there!
find my family hard, partiicularly with lots of comments about 'how well' im looking.
hopefully tomorrow will be ok, bit worried, i hate arguments, but so far this being in different houses at night seems to be paying off!
heard from a friend who was in IP, she went back in, after taking an overdose =-( its a shame because she is so lovely, and was always inspiring, but im glad she is in a safe place.
im a bit scared to tell bex, because she always looked up to her. worried about her too, i know her xmas will be hard. i miss her.
anyway, off to finish wrapping,
night xxx
Thursday, 23 December 2010
bad night
i know i shouldnt care, but my sister called me heavy tonight.
i cant stop thinking about it.
i feel discusting.
i cant beleive i have let my self get to this weight.
i want it to stop.
iv had enough.
why am i so fat? why cant i be a normal weight? im so fed up of not being able to loose weight, not being aloud, when everyone else is without question. it feels so unfaire that they dont get stopped.
i so desperatly want to lose the stone i have gaind, i cant stand being this weight. its discusting.
no matter how much i try to accept other people views, i still want to make myself puke just by seeing my reflection.
i disgust myself.
im fat, ugly and gross and i cant stand it
='-(
i cant stop thinking about it.
i feel discusting.
i cant beleive i have let my self get to this weight.
i want it to stop.
iv had enough.
why am i so fat? why cant i be a normal weight? im so fed up of not being able to loose weight, not being aloud, when everyone else is without question. it feels so unfaire that they dont get stopped.
i so desperatly want to lose the stone i have gaind, i cant stand being this weight. its discusting.
no matter how much i try to accept other people views, i still want to make myself puke just by seeing my reflection.
i disgust myself.
im fat, ugly and gross and i cant stand it
='-(
i am part of a compleatly crazy family!!!
i already knew that, but these little family trips only serve as reminders to that!!!
we went to see cinderella today (at sadlers wells, directed/coreographed by mathew vaughn), which was cool, but the meal before hand was something else!!!
i mean, the stress levels before we got out the door were bad enough - my mum was shouting and stressing for no real reason, and had already argued with sue (no surprise).
then when we got to the restaurant, there were my 3 little cousins causing havoc and being really loud, my grand dad throwing a tantrum, my mum and sue arguing, the food not coming on time (and in my uncle n sisters case, not coming at all), and as a result people getting angry at the waiter etc etc. it was mental! so much for an unstressful time!
it was a bit weird seeing everyone, my little cousins clearly know about my food issues (charlotte, last time i saw you, you had a bit of cucumber for dinner and said you were full... you were ill etc etc) and all the family kept saying i looked well etc etc, which i know is meant as a good thing, but made me feel a little chubbbbbyyyyyy. on the up side, i wore a ridiculas hat too distract people, which half worked!)
it was nice to see my cousins tho, and we are all planning an escape to the pub at christmas too get away for a bit, which will be lovely. my american cousin jess is over, with her mum linda (my mums cousin) and it was nice too see them too, hopefully seeing them tomorrow.
i had to take arther back to the vets, he has another course of antibiotics, and they gave me some for merlin in case he is carrying it without showing symptoms, so fingers crossed!!!
i also had my hair cut too!!!
anyway, i will leave you with a pic of me and arther i took, finally got him still!!!
we went to see cinderella today (at sadlers wells, directed/coreographed by mathew vaughn), which was cool, but the meal before hand was something else!!!
i mean, the stress levels before we got out the door were bad enough - my mum was shouting and stressing for no real reason, and had already argued with sue (no surprise).
then when we got to the restaurant, there were my 3 little cousins causing havoc and being really loud, my grand dad throwing a tantrum, my mum and sue arguing, the food not coming on time (and in my uncle n sisters case, not coming at all), and as a result people getting angry at the waiter etc etc. it was mental! so much for an unstressful time!
it was a bit weird seeing everyone, my little cousins clearly know about my food issues (charlotte, last time i saw you, you had a bit of cucumber for dinner and said you were full... you were ill etc etc) and all the family kept saying i looked well etc etc, which i know is meant as a good thing, but made me feel a little chubbbbbyyyyyy. on the up side, i wore a ridiculas hat too distract people, which half worked!)
it was nice to see my cousins tho, and we are all planning an escape to the pub at christmas too get away for a bit, which will be lovely. my american cousin jess is over, with her mum linda (my mums cousin) and it was nice too see them too, hopefully seeing them tomorrow.
i had to take arther back to the vets, he has another course of antibiotics, and they gave me some for merlin in case he is carrying it without showing symptoms, so fingers crossed!!!
i also had my hair cut too!!!
anyway, i will leave you with a pic of me and arther i took, finally got him still!!!
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
harrrrd day
o deary me,
my head is very messy tonight.
iv been finding food a bit hard for the last few days, not conciosly, but i know iv been avoiding food. if im honest, i knew i was doing it, i know iv been making myself too busy for lunch and wakeing up too late for breakfast. i have been putting things in the way so i dont have to eat... today i didnt eat till 2, had a bag of crisps, a sandwhich without the crusts at 4, and dinner tonight, pluss 2 crackers earlier. i know its not enough, but it feels so much.
i have gone through my wardrobe to chuck out cloths.
i have found that really hard, all i see in the mirror are the fat bits, and its made twice as hard that so much didnt fit me any more.
i dont understand how im smaller then my sister, and i look so much fatter. she has a beautiful shape, and all i have is a pot belly and love handles.
since when did i have a muffin top when i wasnt wearing tight fitting clothing?!
its doing my head in, and the prospect of being this heavy forever feels like the worst punishment in the world.
god, how vein am i.
i hate how i look, and i hate how i think.
i know i shouldnt go backwards, but it feels so easy to just skip meals.
mum keeps asking how im doing, its getting annoying, but maybe it because i know that what i want to d isnt the right thing.
my head is very messy tonight.
iv been finding food a bit hard for the last few days, not conciosly, but i know iv been avoiding food. if im honest, i knew i was doing it, i know iv been making myself too busy for lunch and wakeing up too late for breakfast. i have been putting things in the way so i dont have to eat... today i didnt eat till 2, had a bag of crisps, a sandwhich without the crusts at 4, and dinner tonight, pluss 2 crackers earlier. i know its not enough, but it feels so much.
i have gone through my wardrobe to chuck out cloths.
i have found that really hard, all i see in the mirror are the fat bits, and its made twice as hard that so much didnt fit me any more.
i dont understand how im smaller then my sister, and i look so much fatter. she has a beautiful shape, and all i have is a pot belly and love handles.
since when did i have a muffin top when i wasnt wearing tight fitting clothing?!
its doing my head in, and the prospect of being this heavy forever feels like the worst punishment in the world.
god, how vein am i.
i hate how i look, and i hate how i think.
i know i shouldnt go backwards, but it feels so easy to just skip meals.
mum keeps asking how im doing, its getting annoying, but maybe it because i know that what i want to d isnt the right thing.
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
stupid day
well,
that was THE most pointless bunch of appointments ever.
my gp one, was a quick 'are you thinking of harming yourself' one,
the diaticions one was where we decided i didnt need the input any more,
and dr robertson did bugger all in giving me any help, it was a 'your on the waiting list', and 'try and change your thoughts' and il see you in a month or so...
so, i saw the warning signs, asked for help, and may as well not have bothered.
they cant tell me how long il be waiting for, and they cant offer me any support in between, leaving me with nothing.
it sounds stupid, but all i need is someone to talk too, and they cant even give me that. im trying so hard not to go backwards, but as time goes on its getting harder and harder, and with no support to help each day its getting that little bit more tempting =-(
it feels impossible to keep this up.
my bmi is now 21, which is apparently right where i should be, how does it feel so wrong? the diaticion kept saying well done, but it doesnt feel very positive to me right now, i hate being this heavy. every time i look down at myself its like starting at a tub of lard =-(
i just want to cry all the time because i cant do what i normally do too stop myself.
that was THE most pointless bunch of appointments ever.
my gp one, was a quick 'are you thinking of harming yourself' one,
the diaticions one was where we decided i didnt need the input any more,
and dr robertson did bugger all in giving me any help, it was a 'your on the waiting list', and 'try and change your thoughts' and il see you in a month or so...
so, i saw the warning signs, asked for help, and may as well not have bothered.
they cant tell me how long il be waiting for, and they cant offer me any support in between, leaving me with nothing.
it sounds stupid, but all i need is someone to talk too, and they cant even give me that. im trying so hard not to go backwards, but as time goes on its getting harder and harder, and with no support to help each day its getting that little bit more tempting =-(
it feels impossible to keep this up.
my bmi is now 21, which is apparently right where i should be, how does it feel so wrong? the diaticion kept saying well done, but it doesnt feel very positive to me right now, i hate being this heavy. every time i look down at myself its like starting at a tub of lard =-(
i just want to cry all the time because i cant do what i normally do too stop myself.
Monday, 13 December 2010
boo
well, i realise why ben and jerry's chocolate fudge brownie frozen yoghurt is so addictaive... your always looking for that 'last bit' of brownie!
im absolutly dreading tomorrow =-(
3 appointments in one day, 9.00 is GP, 1.30 is the diaticion, and then at 4.30 its Dr r the psych... im cacking it. particularly as my appoointment for Dr r was brought forwards at my gp's request =-(
im scared he is going to wonder why they brought it forwards, and its not like they can do anything anyway.
i had an appointment for the CMHT saying i have an appointment for the 25th of january... i love the way that thats an emergancy referal,
been finding food a bit hard, eating, but the calculations are all going on in my head, and often i restrict in the day but get so hungry at night that i eat a normal amount anyway.
my weight is 49.6kg now, thats so much more then i was, and its doing my head in =-( i know i shouldnt care, but i do. i look down at myself and it makes me want to cry =-( hope it gets easier soon
im absolutly dreading tomorrow =-(
3 appointments in one day, 9.00 is GP, 1.30 is the diaticion, and then at 4.30 its Dr r the psych... im cacking it. particularly as my appoointment for Dr r was brought forwards at my gp's request =-(
im scared he is going to wonder why they brought it forwards, and its not like they can do anything anyway.
i had an appointment for the CMHT saying i have an appointment for the 25th of january... i love the way that thats an emergancy referal,
been finding food a bit hard, eating, but the calculations are all going on in my head, and often i restrict in the day but get so hungry at night that i eat a normal amount anyway.
my weight is 49.6kg now, thats so much more then i was, and its doing my head in =-( i know i shouldnt care, but i do. i look down at myself and it makes me want to cry =-( hope it gets easier soon
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
went to the gp
hello,
well, yesterday wasnt a good day.
i threw up for the first time since being out, and did it twice (never do anything by halves e?!)
i was just feeling so stressed, and nothing was going right, and i tried not to but the day didnt get any better, and i didnt know what else to do with myself.
on the more positive side, i dragged myself off to the GP today (mainly because i needed my meds again) and asked them if they could follow up the CMHT...
they are shoked that i havent been followed up properly, and i was there over half an hour while they rang variouse places etc etc.
as a result, my appointment with dr R has been brought forwards (the psych from the ed place), and they have sent an urgent referal to the CMHT, AND booked me in an appointment on monday morning to make sure im ok... i feel like they are making rather a fuss over something so small, but then i guess its a slippery slope, and they know as well as i do that im all :smile: untill i stop to think, and then i could create a small ocean with my tears!
i dont know, feeling a bit like i shoulnt have told them, or that they shouldnt have made such a fuss.
i saw my sister today, which was nice. first time iv seen her in about 6 months... she didnt come visit me in hospital, and didnt even ring, but i guess everyone deals with things differently, just would have been nice if she had of kept in tocuh.
have work again tonight.
found it difficult to eat today, because ed is deffinatly in my head, but i have had a fair bit i think...
already had some cerial, packet of crisps, doughnut, malteasers and some 'hungerian goulash' soup... i seem to be eating a lot of shit food, but i think i find it easier to not sit and eat a meal, to just eat on the go so i dont think about it, and it gets the calories up with not loads and loads of food. need to sort that, but it just seemed too much to sit and cook for myself when i wasnt even sure i wanted it!
sure il gra stuff after work too which aught to make it up.
my weight is still going up, which i also panicking me.
they said it would level out, and it hasnt yet :-(
got to practice anyway, speak sssooooonnnnn xxxxx
well, yesterday wasnt a good day.
i threw up for the first time since being out, and did it twice (never do anything by halves e?!)
i was just feeling so stressed, and nothing was going right, and i tried not to but the day didnt get any better, and i didnt know what else to do with myself.
on the more positive side, i dragged myself off to the GP today (mainly because i needed my meds again) and asked them if they could follow up the CMHT...
they are shoked that i havent been followed up properly, and i was there over half an hour while they rang variouse places etc etc.
as a result, my appointment with dr R has been brought forwards (the psych from the ed place), and they have sent an urgent referal to the CMHT, AND booked me in an appointment on monday morning to make sure im ok... i feel like they are making rather a fuss over something so small, but then i guess its a slippery slope, and they know as well as i do that im all :smile: untill i stop to think, and then i could create a small ocean with my tears!
i dont know, feeling a bit like i shoulnt have told them, or that they shouldnt have made such a fuss.
i saw my sister today, which was nice. first time iv seen her in about 6 months... she didnt come visit me in hospital, and didnt even ring, but i guess everyone deals with things differently, just would have been nice if she had of kept in tocuh.
have work again tonight.
found it difficult to eat today, because ed is deffinatly in my head, but i have had a fair bit i think...
already had some cerial, packet of crisps, doughnut, malteasers and some 'hungerian goulash' soup... i seem to be eating a lot of shit food, but i think i find it easier to not sit and eat a meal, to just eat on the go so i dont think about it, and it gets the calories up with not loads and loads of food. need to sort that, but it just seemed too much to sit and cook for myself when i wasnt even sure i wanted it!
sure il gra stuff after work too which aught to make it up.
my weight is still going up, which i also panicking me.
they said it would level out, and it hasnt yet :-(
got to practice anyway, speak sssooooonnnnn xxxxx
Friday, 3 December 2010
hello,
well im feeling pretty =-( at the moment.
i dont really know why, i just feel like i miss my eating disorder a lot.
im feeling huge, i cant seem to shake the idea that i am simply too big out of my head. all the extra layers for warmth probably arent helping, but i just feel heavy. disgustingly heavy.
i feel like iv failed, because im not letting myself loose weight, or because i didnt get thin enough. i have that little voice in my head going on at me about how my bmi wasnt low at all and i should have gone far lower. part of me wants to go down again, but another part of me knows its stupid and pointless. i just want to be skinny, but i want to stay out of hospital, and i know they dont go together, but i wish it wasnt like that.
i miss the days of not eating, the challenges id set myself, and the way i wasnt thinking about anything. i miss being spaced out.
it sounds stupid, but it feels like iv lost a part of me, and im not quite sure how to function without it.
every day im smiling and laughing and keeping very very busy, but inside im feeling like i dont know what to do with myself, and as soon as im alone and its quiet, i dont know how to cope. i want to cry.
i dont know why this is hard, i can see all the good points, and iv had better lessons and better practice, and more social time then i ever have before, but i still pine for the safety of my eating disorder.
i sat in on a master class in college, and it suddenly hit me, with the 'what if's'... what if im not good ennough? what if i practice and i still fail? what if i practice really hard and still am not capable of winning the recorder prize? what if i cant be good, or i cant be the best... what if im just a big fat failier and im wasting my time trying?
i know they are silly questions, but it petrafies me to think that maybe im just not that good. maybe, im not capable, and maybe everything everyone has said is true. i dont know, im still scared omi will be dissapointed in me, except it wont be her, it will me be, and if i cant use food how can i punish myself???
having food was a distraction from all of this, and now its not there, and i have no one to talk too about any of it. everyone sees me and thinks im doing great, and im happy, but its so hard to keep it up, and to keep pretending that its that easy :,-(
anna keeps going on about bad foods, and how she only eats things that are good for her, and all the time i feel like im feeding myself with calorie ladened shit that i dont need, and its making it so hard. she has pictures of emaciated models on her door, and it just rubs it in my face everyday that i cant be like that, and everyone else can. why am i the one who has to be a bloody fat hippo???
i make myself sick, the reflection in the mirror is disgusting, and i cant do anything about it.
well im feeling pretty =-( at the moment.
i dont really know why, i just feel like i miss my eating disorder a lot.
im feeling huge, i cant seem to shake the idea that i am simply too big out of my head. all the extra layers for warmth probably arent helping, but i just feel heavy. disgustingly heavy.
i feel like iv failed, because im not letting myself loose weight, or because i didnt get thin enough. i have that little voice in my head going on at me about how my bmi wasnt low at all and i should have gone far lower. part of me wants to go down again, but another part of me knows its stupid and pointless. i just want to be skinny, but i want to stay out of hospital, and i know they dont go together, but i wish it wasnt like that.
i miss the days of not eating, the challenges id set myself, and the way i wasnt thinking about anything. i miss being spaced out.
it sounds stupid, but it feels like iv lost a part of me, and im not quite sure how to function without it.
every day im smiling and laughing and keeping very very busy, but inside im feeling like i dont know what to do with myself, and as soon as im alone and its quiet, i dont know how to cope. i want to cry.
i dont know why this is hard, i can see all the good points, and iv had better lessons and better practice, and more social time then i ever have before, but i still pine for the safety of my eating disorder.
i sat in on a master class in college, and it suddenly hit me, with the 'what if's'... what if im not good ennough? what if i practice and i still fail? what if i practice really hard and still am not capable of winning the recorder prize? what if i cant be good, or i cant be the best... what if im just a big fat failier and im wasting my time trying?
i know they are silly questions, but it petrafies me to think that maybe im just not that good. maybe, im not capable, and maybe everything everyone has said is true. i dont know, im still scared omi will be dissapointed in me, except it wont be her, it will me be, and if i cant use food how can i punish myself???
having food was a distraction from all of this, and now its not there, and i have no one to talk too about any of it. everyone sees me and thinks im doing great, and im happy, but its so hard to keep it up, and to keep pretending that its that easy :,-(
anna keeps going on about bad foods, and how she only eats things that are good for her, and all the time i feel like im feeding myself with calorie ladened shit that i dont need, and its making it so hard. she has pictures of emaciated models on her door, and it just rubs it in my face everyday that i cant be like that, and everyone else can. why am i the one who has to be a bloody fat hippo???
i make myself sick, the reflection in the mirror is disgusting, and i cant do anything about it.
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
screwed up
big time.
i dont know why iv been such a dick, but i have.
my friend gabi has decided not to talk to me anymore, cant say i blame her, i have been pretty shit at keeping in touch...
i dont know, when i read the text saying she didnt want me to contact her any more, it felt like a kick in the stomach, iv appologised, but i know i cant do any more then that, and its tough shit for me, and fair enough.
i seem to have a knack for getting rid of close friends.
dont really know what to day, feeling a bit =-( but i deserve that so cant moan, dunno, just blah!
stepped on the scales to find my weight is still going up... im over a stone heavier now. why wont it stop??? ='-(
stupid stupid stupid x
i dont know why iv been such a dick, but i have.
my friend gabi has decided not to talk to me anymore, cant say i blame her, i have been pretty shit at keeping in touch...
i dont know, when i read the text saying she didnt want me to contact her any more, it felt like a kick in the stomach, iv appologised, but i know i cant do any more then that, and its tough shit for me, and fair enough.
i seem to have a knack for getting rid of close friends.
dont really know what to day, feeling a bit =-( but i deserve that so cant moan, dunno, just blah!
stepped on the scales to find my weight is still going up... im over a stone heavier now. why wont it stop??? ='-(
stupid stupid stupid x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)