hello,
well im feeling pretty =-( at the moment.
i dont really know why, i just feel like i miss my eating disorder a lot.
im feeling huge, i cant seem to shake the idea that i am simply too big out of my head. all the extra layers for warmth probably arent helping, but i just feel heavy. disgustingly heavy.
i feel like iv failed, because im not letting myself loose weight, or because i didnt get thin enough. i have that little voice in my head going on at me about how my bmi wasnt low at all and i should have gone far lower. part of me wants to go down again, but another part of me knows its stupid and pointless. i just want to be skinny, but i want to stay out of hospital, and i know they dont go together, but i wish it wasnt like that.
i miss the days of not eating, the challenges id set myself, and the way i wasnt thinking about anything. i miss being spaced out.
it sounds stupid, but it feels like iv lost a part of me, and im not quite sure how to function without it.
every day im smiling and laughing and keeping very very busy, but inside im feeling like i dont know what to do with myself, and as soon as im alone and its quiet, i dont know how to cope. i want to cry.
i dont know why this is hard, i can see all the good points, and iv had better lessons and better practice, and more social time then i ever have before, but i still pine for the safety of my eating disorder.
i sat in on a master class in college, and it suddenly hit me, with the 'what if's'... what if im not good ennough? what if i practice and i still fail? what if i practice really hard and still am not capable of winning the recorder prize? what if i cant be good, or i cant be the best... what if im just a big fat failier and im wasting my time trying?
i know they are silly questions, but it petrafies me to think that maybe im just not that good. maybe, im not capable, and maybe everything everyone has said is true. i dont know, im still scared omi will be dissapointed in me, except it wont be her, it will me be, and if i cant use food how can i punish myself???
having food was a distraction from all of this, and now its not there, and i have no one to talk too about any of it. everyone sees me and thinks im doing great, and im happy, but its so hard to keep it up, and to keep pretending that its that easy :,-(

anna keeps going on about bad foods, and how she only eats things that are good for her, and all the time i feel like im feeding myself with calorie ladened shit that i dont need, and its making it so hard. she has pictures of emaciated models on her door, and it just rubs it in my face everyday that i cant be like that, and everyone else can. why am i the one who has to be a bloody fat hippo???
i make myself sick, the reflection in the mirror is disgusting, and i cant do anything about it.