so why is this so hard?!

i can logically see alllll the good sides to being well, but why o why is it so hard to let my self stay here?

constantly thinking, counting calories, desperate to know my weight and make it go lower.
that is allll i am thinking about right now.

i know i shouldn't, but i miss being tiny. i miss feeling small, i miss going into shops and KNOWING that a size 6 will be on the big size, and not having to pick up 8's and 10's because i dont know which i will be (tho usually i seem to be a 9!). i miss knowing exactly what i will eat. i miss filling my day with exercise, when the only thoughts were of how to loose weight. what my next game plan was. i miss challenging myself to reach new limits. i miss spending hours hunting for the lowest calorie snacks. i miss working out exactly what i can eat for dinner that wont push my limit by even 1 calorie. i miss checking myself and finding my ribs, my hips, my spine and collar bone. i miss feeling like i could get through a crowd unnoticed.

in short, i miss my eating disorder.

at the same time, i know i was cold, lonely, tired (tho i feel it more now). i know i could feel everything i sat on, and lying in bed hurt. i know i had horrendous acid reflux, that every time i threw up i ached. that i had a permanently sore throat. i know that i was cold from the inside out, that i was dizzy permanently. that my blood sugar went funny all the time so i would shake, black out or faint. i know that i was starving hungry and that i spent hours looking at what i wouldn't let myself have. i know i was suicidal, that my mouth ulcers were over a cm in diameter, and lasted weeks at a time (4+). i know my skin was so dry it cracked and bled, i know my hair started coming out more. i know my periods stopped (and still haven't come back). i know i couldn't concentrate and i wasn't really in the real world.

in fact, what my cousin said this Christmas really hit home... 'nice to have you back'.

so why am i so desperate to go back to what i know was that bad?