harrrrd day

o deary me,
my head is very messy tonight.

iv been finding food a bit hard for the last few days, not conciosly, but i know iv been avoiding food. if im honest, i knew i was doing it, i know iv been making myself too busy for lunch and wakeing up too late for breakfast. i have been putting things in the way so i dont have to eat... today i didnt eat till 2, had a bag of crisps, a sandwhich without the crusts at 4, and dinner tonight, pluss 2 crackers earlier. i know its not enough, but it feels so much.

i have gone through my wardrobe to chuck out cloths.
i have found that really hard, all i see in the mirror are the fat bits, and its made twice as hard that so much didnt fit me any more.
i dont understand how im smaller then my sister, and i look so much fatter. she has a beautiful shape, and all i have is a pot belly and love handles.
since when did i have a muffin top when i wasnt wearing tight fitting clothing?!
its doing my head in, and the prospect of being this heavy forever feels like the worst punishment in the world.
god, how vein am i.

i hate how i look, and i hate how i think.

i know i shouldnt go backwards, but it feels so easy to just skip meals.
mum keeps asking how im doing, its getting annoying, but maybe it because i know that what i want to d isnt the right thing.