I think im going to say something iv never really said properly before - and im not sure if its ok to say, or even too feel, but its been on my mind a lot latly.
i think part of me is really angry that no one stepped in when i was younger.
and by really angry, i think i mean its upset me a lot more then i have ever admited.
I always feel like i dont have a right to be upset - that everyone has shit that goes on, and that I should have stopped it, or been different, and non of it would have happened. I made excuses for mum, that she couldnt deal with it, and it wasnt her fault. I made excuses for teachers, and schools, and the kids that did things. I made excuses for everyone and everything else, but not once did i let an excuse roll for me.
I should have changed myself. Become someone that people didnt hate. If everyone hates someone, then it is obviously their own faults. (and by everyone, i really do mean everyone). I could have become what they wanted, if i had just bothered to figure out what it was, and how to do it.
I hate the child i was, I have no sympathy, and if i saw her, i think i honestly would want to hit her.
yet somehow reading that makes me sad.
Why didnt anyone do anything to help? Teachers saw so much, and never once stepped in. Mum knew things werent right, and gave up helping. Ed and Bex just used to take the piss out of me for it, and later on, my gran must have known what she was doing. surley no one can hurt someone that much, and not have a clue that they are doing it.
I want to scream at someone.
I see people who went to school with me, and made my life hell every single day. they are happy, they have degrees, they have boyfriends or husbands. they have it all, and its not fair.
I still cant be in crowds because i get panick attacks. Im too scared of getting close too someone, because i know that something will happen, and i will be alone or hated anyway. I cant give my body the food it needs because i truley beleive that i dont deserve it, and i couldnt give a shit as too how much pain it creates, because anything is better then the pain that other people can do too me. I cant even get on the bus i used to get home from school without feeling sick, and i cant do my music without feeling like there is no way i can ever be any good. I cant make close friends with people, I cant even cope with going out half the time.
how is it fair that i never did anything wrong, yet they are the ones having a normal time, and i still cant get trhough a day without crying, starving myself, self harming or purging?
*mentions food and weight*
Food has gone compleatly up the spout, and its the calmest iv felt in months. My weight has dropped, but i dont think its noticable, so im pretty sure i can get away without being weighed. Its still well within normal healthy weight, although i wont lie, the goal posts have already moved.
i cant seem to get past the reasons i keep this damn thing going - im not sure i ever can, but i am so so so so so desperate too.
Will be 12 years in august... over half my life spent pissing around with food and self harm, and most of what came before it wasnt too fun either. I am such an idiot.
Saturday, 14 April 2012
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
holocaust thoughts
Iv been reading a book from a holocaust surviver that was lying around at home - mum said it was a good one (yes, we are possibly the only house filled with such books - there are many, family roots n all).
I havent thought about it for such a long time - i tend to avoid the subject, i think i find it truly horrifying, and its made worse by knowing im just 2 generations down from it, and how much its effected everyone in my family.
I can not begin too imagine what it was like for my family, or what my grandpa has gone through, knowing that everyone he grew up with in Germany was murdered, and the awful conditions they were kept in until they died. I remember when we visited Teresenstadt, they had a memorial with all the childrens names who had been killed, and he was going along the wall saying 'i knew him, i went too school with her'... he had no emotion on his face - i wanted too cry.
I dont really understand how a whole country, or rather, the majority of Europe, could have found it so acceptable, and let it happen.
How can you forget that humans are humans so easily?
I think im also sad that i look at society now, and see that no one has learned anything - and im not sure they ever will. i look at the racist remarks people chuck around, or the resenment iv heard expressed over imagrents, and i cant help thinking that it wouldnt take much (especially with the economy going down hill) for a similar thing too start happening... i hope it never does.
what a pessimistic view.
I also look back at pictures of concentration camp and ghetto victims, and it makes me feel quite ashamed that i crave to be starving, and thin. my family would have had no choice in it at all, where as i am in compleate control of it, and still cant seem too give it up.
I havent thought about it for such a long time - i tend to avoid the subject, i think i find it truly horrifying, and its made worse by knowing im just 2 generations down from it, and how much its effected everyone in my family.
I can not begin too imagine what it was like for my family, or what my grandpa has gone through, knowing that everyone he grew up with in Germany was murdered, and the awful conditions they were kept in until they died. I remember when we visited Teresenstadt, they had a memorial with all the childrens names who had been killed, and he was going along the wall saying 'i knew him, i went too school with her'... he had no emotion on his face - i wanted too cry.
I dont really understand how a whole country, or rather, the majority of Europe, could have found it so acceptable, and let it happen.
How can you forget that humans are humans so easily?
I think im also sad that i look at society now, and see that no one has learned anything - and im not sure they ever will. i look at the racist remarks people chuck around, or the resenment iv heard expressed over imagrents, and i cant help thinking that it wouldnt take much (especially with the economy going down hill) for a similar thing too start happening... i hope it never does.
what a pessimistic view.
I also look back at pictures of concentration camp and ghetto victims, and it makes me feel quite ashamed that i crave to be starving, and thin. my family would have had no choice in it at all, where as i am in compleate control of it, and still cant seem too give it up.
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
the NHS $%&^**(^%$@$£R
well, yet another crazy crazy day!
so, i had an appointment with Dr R the psych im under at the ed place.
we are going too try yet another anti depressant, as the upped dosage isnt doing its job properly, and he could see i was 'quite tearful' and 'down'. so, as he cant see me again till june, he is going to put me onto another of his doctors for the change over (so they can keep a 'close' eye on me), and has given me a perscription too grade down over the next couple of weeks, and then swap me onto another, of which he hasnt decided. the joys.
i also asked if i would see anyone else when i stopped seeing cathrine, too which he replyed that he isnt sure. he sais he will talk to the person who co-ordinates it, but that daycare or IP is also an option?!!! he asked what i thought about daycare again, and i replyed that i would quite frankly rather stay at college...
i really dont understand how they have the funding to put me back in hospital, yet cant let me just see someone once a week?! it seems utterly ridiculas that im so desperate to get well, yet the help they can offer is compleatly wrong.
i guess its nice too know they will catch me before i nose dive, but i really would rather the talking therapy before i need that at all.
from what i gather, the waiting list is too long, and they are using it as a stopgap for people who need more support. as another girl pointed out, it is probably a very roundabout way of getting the help, but i dont want to take time out unless i need to, and although food and depression have gone a little arye, i am still kind of functioning, and i am trying to make my life about music, not about this illness.
if i happen to go particularly down hill, then yes, maybe in the summer i would consider it, but i will be damed if i make my undergrad any longer then it is already!!!
bloody NHS.
im apprehensive about being left with no support, and a little more so as things already are not as good as they could be.
i am of course being an absolute twat, and letting myself do it, but then whats new? im not loosing weight, so it doesnt matter, as i am clearly not doing it well enough.
my god, i could hit myself over the head sometimes.
i left college early as i was just feeling exhausted. i went too one lecture, and got told to go home. im not sure if its food, depression, or just end of term. i guess non of them help the others.
im not sure what i want, or what i am trying too do. a large part wants too be better, but an awful lot of me just cant see me getting there.
i just wish the NHS could give me the right help now, before i go backwards any more :(
so, i had an appointment with Dr R the psych im under at the ed place.
we are going too try yet another anti depressant, as the upped dosage isnt doing its job properly, and he could see i was 'quite tearful' and 'down'. so, as he cant see me again till june, he is going to put me onto another of his doctors for the change over (so they can keep a 'close' eye on me), and has given me a perscription too grade down over the next couple of weeks, and then swap me onto another, of which he hasnt decided. the joys.
i also asked if i would see anyone else when i stopped seeing cathrine, too which he replyed that he isnt sure. he sais he will talk to the person who co-ordinates it, but that daycare or IP is also an option?!!! he asked what i thought about daycare again, and i replyed that i would quite frankly rather stay at college...
i really dont understand how they have the funding to put me back in hospital, yet cant let me just see someone once a week?! it seems utterly ridiculas that im so desperate to get well, yet the help they can offer is compleatly wrong.
i guess its nice too know they will catch me before i nose dive, but i really would rather the talking therapy before i need that at all.
from what i gather, the waiting list is too long, and they are using it as a stopgap for people who need more support. as another girl pointed out, it is probably a very roundabout way of getting the help, but i dont want to take time out unless i need to, and although food and depression have gone a little arye, i am still kind of functioning, and i am trying to make my life about music, not about this illness.
if i happen to go particularly down hill, then yes, maybe in the summer i would consider it, but i will be damed if i make my undergrad any longer then it is already!!!
bloody NHS.
im apprehensive about being left with no support, and a little more so as things already are not as good as they could be.
i am of course being an absolute twat, and letting myself do it, but then whats new? im not loosing weight, so it doesnt matter, as i am clearly not doing it well enough.
my god, i could hit myself over the head sometimes.
i left college early as i was just feeling exhausted. i went too one lecture, and got told to go home. im not sure if its food, depression, or just end of term. i guess non of them help the others.
im not sure what i want, or what i am trying too do. a large part wants too be better, but an awful lot of me just cant see me getting there.
i just wish the NHS could give me the right help now, before i go backwards any more :(
Friday, 16 March 2012
i suck.
Hello,
gosh im moaning a lot latly.
my technical exam was AWFUL (and no, i am not just saying it). at the end, my teacher turned round and said 'you messed that one up didnt you'... i literaly scraped a pass - i got 42, the pass mark is 40. iv never done so badly in an exam, nor made such a fool of myself.
and the worst thing is, i had tried to actually prepare for it - and it still all went wrong.
sometimes i dont know why im doing music. i never seem to be able too do the simplest of things, and i look like such an idiot trying. I hate how much it affects me when i do badly, and i hate how much i care about it. i never used too.
needless too say, i have not had a good day.
im feeling physically wrecked. My wrists and hands are so achey, and my back n neck hurt (and have been giving me headaches for the last week). My mouth is equally screwed - i have mouth ulcers, and seem to have taken the skin on the roof of my mouth off, and those little painful bits on my tongue. My throat hurts from purging, and i have heartburn, from said purging - in short, i have screwed myself over... you would think this would make me stop throwing up and make me eat more again?!!!
I am so fed up of this circle.
My recorder teacher told me how well i looked, and that i seemed so much better and happier... little does she know that i cry myself too sleep most nights, that i skip lectures because i cant get up, and that im still making myself sick n restricing most days... sure seems 'better' too me.
it sounds stupid, but atleast when i was blatently ill, people knew that things were shit. now, if i tell anyone otherwise, they just think im making it up, and being pesimistic... i wish that was the case. i feel like i look attention seeking, and stupid when i say anything otherwise, but at the same time, i would really like someone too know that im not coping all that well.
maybe i just want a hug.
Im so tired of all of this.
saw the hand specialist, and on the up side, she thinks she can sort me out, but it will take time, and i need to apply to another place for funding, as she says it will take more then the £500 awarded by the MBF, so more forms too fill in.
Its basically hypermobility with no strength (my hand strength is on the 10th percentile... so im weaker then 90% of the population!), and a lot of tension... she has given me excercises to strengthan my hands, and i see her again in a couple of weeks.
fingers crossed.
on the pluss side, anabelle didnt say too much about how badly i did in my exam - maybe she already knows i feel bad enough. if my wrists werent as bad, i could have prepared more, but nevermind, nothing i can do.
have another appointment with catherine tomorrow. not sure i really want it.
sorry for yet another down post x
gosh im moaning a lot latly.
my technical exam was AWFUL (and no, i am not just saying it). at the end, my teacher turned round and said 'you messed that one up didnt you'... i literaly scraped a pass - i got 42, the pass mark is 40. iv never done so badly in an exam, nor made such a fool of myself.
and the worst thing is, i had tried to actually prepare for it - and it still all went wrong.
sometimes i dont know why im doing music. i never seem to be able too do the simplest of things, and i look like such an idiot trying. I hate how much it affects me when i do badly, and i hate how much i care about it. i never used too.
needless too say, i have not had a good day.
im feeling physically wrecked. My wrists and hands are so achey, and my back n neck hurt (and have been giving me headaches for the last week). My mouth is equally screwed - i have mouth ulcers, and seem to have taken the skin on the roof of my mouth off, and those little painful bits on my tongue. My throat hurts from purging, and i have heartburn, from said purging - in short, i have screwed myself over... you would think this would make me stop throwing up and make me eat more again?!!!
I am so fed up of this circle.
My recorder teacher told me how well i looked, and that i seemed so much better and happier... little does she know that i cry myself too sleep most nights, that i skip lectures because i cant get up, and that im still making myself sick n restricing most days... sure seems 'better' too me.
it sounds stupid, but atleast when i was blatently ill, people knew that things were shit. now, if i tell anyone otherwise, they just think im making it up, and being pesimistic... i wish that was the case. i feel like i look attention seeking, and stupid when i say anything otherwise, but at the same time, i would really like someone too know that im not coping all that well.
maybe i just want a hug.
Im so tired of all of this.
saw the hand specialist, and on the up side, she thinks she can sort me out, but it will take time, and i need to apply to another place for funding, as she says it will take more then the £500 awarded by the MBF, so more forms too fill in.
Its basically hypermobility with no strength (my hand strength is on the 10th percentile... so im weaker then 90% of the population!), and a lot of tension... she has given me excercises to strengthan my hands, and i see her again in a couple of weeks.
fingers crossed.
on the pluss side, anabelle didnt say too much about how badly i did in my exam - maybe she already knows i feel bad enough. if my wrists werent as bad, i could have prepared more, but nevermind, nothing i can do.
have another appointment with catherine tomorrow. not sure i really want it.
sorry for yet another down post x
Sunday, 11 March 2012
another let down.
So, another pretty crappy week, the worst of it being that the person i have been seeing since the end of jan at the ed place has told me she has too stop seeing me, as she is being moved back to working with the IP again.
im pretty pissed off to be honest, as this is the only person i have ever seen here that i can actually talk to, and its been cut off almost as soon as its started. She has asked for an 'extended' ending, which gives me 9 sessions left before i am left too it.
I asked if i would see someone else after, and she sais she isnt sure. she says she knows im not better yet, and that she is aweare its come at a really bad time (no shit), but that there is nothing she can do, and she doesnt know what can/will be offered after.
the worst thing is, that the aftercare group i have been in since leaving IP has an 18 month cut off, which essentially means all of my current support is being dropped at the same time.
im not sure that im going to be able too cope.
food has been a bit crappy lately anyway, but this really hasnt helped matters. she wants me to get my bloods done next time im there, and its not like my body ever looses weight, so in recovery terms, i guess thats a good thing, but its needless too say pissing my ed head off!
i have my technical exam (scales n studies) on wednesday, and i have barley practiced - my head has not been in the right space - but it will likley mean i really screw it up.
my wrists have also been majorly painful, im only managing a couple of hours playing in a day, and they are so achey that i want to tear them off. I have an appointment with a had specialist on tuesday in london, and really hoping she will be able to help, because im not going to get through music college like this, let alone have a career in it
i just want too cry all of the time. im so fed up of feeling messed around, and let down.
Im fed up of trying too trust people, every time i do, i get handed the evidence of why i shouldnt,
Im not even sure i want a new person - i dont want this too happen again.
im pretty pissed off to be honest, as this is the only person i have ever seen here that i can actually talk to, and its been cut off almost as soon as its started. She has asked for an 'extended' ending, which gives me 9 sessions left before i am left too it.
I asked if i would see someone else after, and she sais she isnt sure. she says she knows im not better yet, and that she is aweare its come at a really bad time (no shit), but that there is nothing she can do, and she doesnt know what can/will be offered after.
the worst thing is, that the aftercare group i have been in since leaving IP has an 18 month cut off, which essentially means all of my current support is being dropped at the same time.
im not sure that im going to be able too cope.
food has been a bit crappy lately anyway, but this really hasnt helped matters. she wants me to get my bloods done next time im there, and its not like my body ever looses weight, so in recovery terms, i guess thats a good thing, but its needless too say pissing my ed head off!
i have my technical exam (scales n studies) on wednesday, and i have barley practiced - my head has not been in the right space - but it will likley mean i really screw it up.
my wrists have also been majorly painful, im only managing a couple of hours playing in a day, and they are so achey that i want to tear them off. I have an appointment with a had specialist on tuesday in london, and really hoping she will be able to help, because im not going to get through music college like this, let alone have a career in it
i just want too cry all of the time. im so fed up of feeling messed around, and let down.
Im fed up of trying too trust people, every time i do, i get handed the evidence of why i shouldnt,
Im not even sure i want a new person - i dont want this too happen again.
Friday, 9 March 2012
another peice of art
todays art.
had a mixed few days.
went too group yesterday, and spent the large majority of it crying.
i didnt mean too, but i seemed too take up rather a lot of time. everyone was trying too offer helpful comments, but i never really realise that my depression, low self esteem and 0 confidence gets in the way of everything.
as do the automatic thoughts that i just cant shake off.
that no matter how well i do, or what i win, it is never going to be enough, because it is never perfect.
and i just cant get used to the idea that not perfect is ok.
if not being perfect is ok, then i will get lazy. i will become a crap musicion (person). if not being perfect is ok, i will become fat (i already am), i will be disliked by everyone, and i will dislike myself even more because i will be even more lazy.
i see the flaws in that thinking, i really do,
but seeing does not equal beleiving... i have 23 years of proof that that thinking worked.
(maybe not 100% perfectly, but i am at music college, and i do work hard- tho not hard enough)
sometimes when i see what my gran so efforrtlesly instilled in me, it makes me angry. and a bit sad.
we also seemed to realise that non of us in that room had bothered rebelling as a teenager... we were all the grown up well behaved teens... reckon that plays a part in EDs?
in other news, i still cant play my technical stuff, and i had a rather embarrasing moment when Ben, a fellow recorder player, gave me a bunch of flowers... a sweet gesture, but alas, he is not my type in the slightest...awkward!!!
xxx
Sunday, 4 March 2012
O guys,
all is a bit of a muddle in charlotte land.
I should be feeling insainly happy about my win - after all, it is a massive acheivment too not only play the recorder better then the others at college, but also to have stayed 'healthy' enough to actually be in college, and enter, and follow it through...
that should make me feel good.
it doesnt.
i was rather hoping that maybe winning would show me how amazing being well is - with hindsight i should have known that that may have been a little unrealistic.
instead, i am coming to realise that there is nothing that ever seems to feel as 'good' as my brain is trying to convince me that being thin felt (this seems to rather ignore the fact that i was pretty depressed and suicidal at my smallest - so in logical terms, it could not have really been that great, could it?!)
i want too cry constantly. i am desperate to run as fast as i can back too starving myself - and the WORST thing is, is that i know i can NEVER do it again. i cant allow myself, because i know it doesnt fit in too life - and i know that i am meant to be living in that, not in some insanely warped reality where 'good' is being so thin your killing yourself, and 'bad' is being a normal functioning weight.
i just want too be normal.
all is a bit of a muddle in charlotte land.
I should be feeling insainly happy about my win - after all, it is a massive acheivment too not only play the recorder better then the others at college, but also to have stayed 'healthy' enough to actually be in college, and enter, and follow it through...
that should make me feel good.
it doesnt.
i was rather hoping that maybe winning would show me how amazing being well is - with hindsight i should have known that that may have been a little unrealistic.
instead, i am coming to realise that there is nothing that ever seems to feel as 'good' as my brain is trying to convince me that being thin felt (this seems to rather ignore the fact that i was pretty depressed and suicidal at my smallest - so in logical terms, it could not have really been that great, could it?!)
i want too cry constantly. i am desperate to run as fast as i can back too starving myself - and the WORST thing is, is that i know i can NEVER do it again. i cant allow myself, because i know it doesnt fit in too life - and i know that i am meant to be living in that, not in some insanely warped reality where 'good' is being so thin your killing yourself, and 'bad' is being a normal functioning weight.
i just want too be normal.
Thursday, 1 March 2012
I won the Recorder Prize tonight (29th feb)
and i even had some chips - real chips =-0
I almost cried when she said i had won -
Im back at college, and i am (not sure i believe it) doing ok!
as much as i want to be thin - this is in the real world.
My recorder means more to everyone than being 6 stone. so, by logic, it should mean more too me.
maybe one day i could really be a musician, who can perform, and who really enjoys it, and believes that she can do it.
one day x
and i even had some chips - real chips =-0
I almost cried when she said i had won -
Im back at college, and i am (not sure i believe it) doing ok!
as much as i want to be thin - this is in the real world.
My recorder means more to everyone than being 6 stone. so, by logic, it should mean more too me.
maybe one day i could really be a musician, who can perform, and who really enjoys it, and believes that she can do it.
one day x
Thursday, 16 February 2012
crrraaaappppp day.
Hi guys,
well things are better then they were - im out of bed, and at college.
Today was almost ok, had a bit of a 'kick charlotte into shape' lesson from Annabel yesterday, which although annoying, was probably good. I know i haven been doing enough - iv been in bed as much as i could get away with - pulling the duvet over everything.
so, had concort, which was better then last time (because i didnt feel like i wanted to murder everyone), and performance class, which i had to play for.
i didnt play that well, played form memory, and made mistakes because i have been relearning some fingerings, so it was a bit shit, but everyone was very positive and encouraging, and i was almost feeling like it was ok...
until my lesson with Ross... it felt crap, it was crap. Since he has decided to leave, i feel like he doesnt give a crap about teaching us. he has even admited that he doesnt, and i feel like its a waste of time having them - im not learning, and i come out feeling far worse about my playing then i did before.
today, i felt like he was bored, and that he didnt really want to teach me.
It makes me feel like im useless and not worth teaching
which then equals 'im stupid and fat - why the hell am i still eating?'
i know that is not a logical leap, but it is how i feel.
Part of me has been contemplating throwing out my scales- as its not making me happy, but then nor is staying at this weight.
well things are better then they were - im out of bed, and at college.
Today was almost ok, had a bit of a 'kick charlotte into shape' lesson from Annabel yesterday, which although annoying, was probably good. I know i haven been doing enough - iv been in bed as much as i could get away with - pulling the duvet over everything.
so, had concort, which was better then last time (because i didnt feel like i wanted to murder everyone), and performance class, which i had to play for.
i didnt play that well, played form memory, and made mistakes because i have been relearning some fingerings, so it was a bit shit, but everyone was very positive and encouraging, and i was almost feeling like it was ok...
until my lesson with Ross... it felt crap, it was crap. Since he has decided to leave, i feel like he doesnt give a crap about teaching us. he has even admited that he doesnt, and i feel like its a waste of time having them - im not learning, and i come out feeling far worse about my playing then i did before.
today, i felt like he was bored, and that he didnt really want to teach me.
It makes me feel like im useless and not worth teaching
which then equals 'im stupid and fat - why the hell am i still eating?'
i know that is not a logical leap, but it is how i feel.
Part of me has been contemplating throwing out my scales- as its not making me happy, but then nor is staying at this weight.
Saturday, 11 February 2012
=(
Im trying to write a letter to my eating disorder - i dont know what to say.
i dont think i want to be rid of it. im too scared to live without it, and i dont think i beleive i can.
im so desperate to let myself loose weight.
today the number was lower than its been in months (only a kg lower than normal), and it has sent my brain into overdrive.
Ed is trying to convince me that this means i can really start trying to loose it now, that 50kg sounds nicer, and 40 sounds even better, and that when i get to 35, i know i will really be able to say i have an ed, and that maybe at 30, i would be thin enough to start getting better... WHAT AM I THINKING???????!!!!!
its such complete and utter crap, and the worst thing is, i know it.
i so desperatly want to go against all logic.
today one of my old flatmates was down. i spent a long time talking to her, hugging her etc. i offered to go for a drink/chat with her after i had finished work - to which she agreed. she decided against it after half an hour, and went home.
in truth, i had offered to listen to her, because it makes me feel better. i need the company just as much as she does right now.
i hate how selfish i am.
i hate how fat i am, and i certainly hate how much i have eaten today.
i want this aching inside to stop. i am so tired of it all.
i dont think i want to be rid of it. im too scared to live without it, and i dont think i beleive i can.
im so desperate to let myself loose weight.
today the number was lower than its been in months (only a kg lower than normal), and it has sent my brain into overdrive.
Ed is trying to convince me that this means i can really start trying to loose it now, that 50kg sounds nicer, and 40 sounds even better, and that when i get to 35, i know i will really be able to say i have an ed, and that maybe at 30, i would be thin enough to start getting better... WHAT AM I THINKING???????!!!!!
its such complete and utter crap, and the worst thing is, i know it.
i so desperatly want to go against all logic.
today one of my old flatmates was down. i spent a long time talking to her, hugging her etc. i offered to go for a drink/chat with her after i had finished work - to which she agreed. she decided against it after half an hour, and went home.
in truth, i had offered to listen to her, because it makes me feel better. i need the company just as much as she does right now.
i hate how selfish i am.
i hate how fat i am, and i certainly hate how much i have eaten today.
i want this aching inside to stop. i am so tired of it all.
Friday, 10 February 2012
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Monday, 6 February 2012
a slightly better day
Hello,
well as it says, today was a little more positive...
mainly because i was in a baroque dance class most of it, so had little time to obsess.
it was the beginner class, and i can quite safely say i am finding it a rather comfortable experiance... its nice to know i can do it with very little thought, and that i can see the improvment from this time last year, where i hadent really done any at all... now i seem to help teach others rather than struggle at the back... its a nice change.
i like my teacher a lot, and she said some nice things today, which i feel i aught to write down, because even tho it was good, my head is picking faults in everything today... so the nice comments were...
'i feel i should find something to fault so that you get your monies worth, but i cant'
that it would be nice to have me on the summer course, even if i can only cover the cost of my board n lodging
and at the end, she whispered that it was nice to have me in the class, and that today i was 'the pearl amongst the swine' (which i dont think was meant in a harsh way to the others, but was a nice complement)
o, and she also said that she wanted me to do one of the dances for a performance in london in May (Notting hill if anyone fancies a laugh!).
so, there are the positives!
i also met with Laura for dinner, which was nice - she seems to be one of the few people that doesnt wind me up when im in one of my silly moooooddddssss.
*mentioning food*
food today didnt go so well.
i didnt really eat breakfast, and purged my pretty small lunch. im not sure why, i just felt panicky. its silly, it was just some of a jacket potaoe.
still, i think i made up for it, me n laura went to nandos for dinner (eeek).
i feel a bit crappy because i just had about another 150kcal worth of veg, but im trying to remember that i have been dancing all day too.
i was meant to go out for someones birthday, but it turned out that Paddy would have been there, and it seems to spoil a day without crying - its the first in a while!
feeling a little down, but luckily i need to go to sleep! i hope i can get up tomorrow... need to stop dicking around about lectures.
well as it says, today was a little more positive...
mainly because i was in a baroque dance class most of it, so had little time to obsess.
it was the beginner class, and i can quite safely say i am finding it a rather comfortable experiance... its nice to know i can do it with very little thought, and that i can see the improvment from this time last year, where i hadent really done any at all... now i seem to help teach others rather than struggle at the back... its a nice change.
i like my teacher a lot, and she said some nice things today, which i feel i aught to write down, because even tho it was good, my head is picking faults in everything today... so the nice comments were...
'i feel i should find something to fault so that you get your monies worth, but i cant'
that it would be nice to have me on the summer course, even if i can only cover the cost of my board n lodging
and at the end, she whispered that it was nice to have me in the class, and that today i was 'the pearl amongst the swine' (which i dont think was meant in a harsh way to the others, but was a nice complement)
o, and she also said that she wanted me to do one of the dances for a performance in london in May (Notting hill if anyone fancies a laugh!).
so, there are the positives!
i also met with Laura for dinner, which was nice - she seems to be one of the few people that doesnt wind me up when im in one of my silly moooooddddssss.
*mentioning food*
food today didnt go so well.
i didnt really eat breakfast, and purged my pretty small lunch. im not sure why, i just felt panicky. its silly, it was just some of a jacket potaoe.
still, i think i made up for it, me n laura went to nandos for dinner (eeek).
i feel a bit crappy because i just had about another 150kcal worth of veg, but im trying to remember that i have been dancing all day too.
i was meant to go out for someones birthday, but it turned out that Paddy would have been there, and it seems to spoil a day without crying - its the first in a while!
feeling a little down, but luckily i need to go to sleep! i hope i can get up tomorrow... need to stop dicking around about lectures.
Sunday, 5 February 2012
ola
hello,
well, things are still pretty mixed.
i had an appointment on friday, and she seemed to know things werent great - i wonder if my rant had been recorded in my notes.
did a lot of crying, and had the joys of the 'are you safe' talk (what on earth would they do if i said no?!). been sent away with 'ring your gp to discuss your meds' and 'write a letter to your ed'... that should be a fun night in.
that was yesterday day, and i cried on the train all the way back, but then had to meet up with someone for coffee which turned into her coming over - so at least that kept my mind off things. she stayed over til this morning, and then i came home to my parents.
only cried once today.
my mum insisted on cloths shoping - was not a good experiance.
what have i learnt?
that i am very short, and rather 'curvey' in a very fat way.
only managed 2 shops before i couldnt face going in any others - it is not the time to be looking at myself in mirrors.
food has been mixed - i wont lie, im not finding my thoughts easy to manage. i have been skipping the odd meal, but in my head its fine, as im not loosing weight, and am obviously still a heffer.
its almost better for being home, as i have no choice but to eat with my parents, but that ofcourse leads to an awful lot of guilt.
i came down for baroque dance tomorrow, but with the snow, im not sure i can get there, which would be a shame because it is the only think i have been semi enthusiastic about for weeks. (even ballet has lost its attraction - thats when i know the old black dog is back again).
dreadign this coming week. i havent been turning up to uni - i just feel to blah. i know i cant keep doing this, but bed really does seem like the better option.
i dont want to say this to a gp. they will think im nuts... 'hi, i think im depressed again...give me more drugs...'that is not the call of a sain person. sometimes i worry that they think im pretending, but then i find myself thinking thoughts that to anyone else would just seem disturbing.
sometimes i wish 7 year old charlotte would have had the guts to have acctually hung herself in her wardrobe rather then just thought about it - would have cut out an awful lot of crap.
dont worry, i wont do anything, i never have - would feel to guilty for hurting my parents/sister. just a thought.
i hope that if my meds are changed, that they help - i sure as hell can not stay like this and keep up with food, uni and not cutting. something is going to go at some point.
have an appointment booked for tues. nerves.
well, things are still pretty mixed.
i had an appointment on friday, and she seemed to know things werent great - i wonder if my rant had been recorded in my notes.
did a lot of crying, and had the joys of the 'are you safe' talk (what on earth would they do if i said no?!). been sent away with 'ring your gp to discuss your meds' and 'write a letter to your ed'... that should be a fun night in.
that was yesterday day, and i cried on the train all the way back, but then had to meet up with someone for coffee which turned into her coming over - so at least that kept my mind off things. she stayed over til this morning, and then i came home to my parents.
only cried once today.
my mum insisted on cloths shoping - was not a good experiance.
what have i learnt?
that i am very short, and rather 'curvey' in a very fat way.
only managed 2 shops before i couldnt face going in any others - it is not the time to be looking at myself in mirrors.
food has been mixed - i wont lie, im not finding my thoughts easy to manage. i have been skipping the odd meal, but in my head its fine, as im not loosing weight, and am obviously still a heffer.
its almost better for being home, as i have no choice but to eat with my parents, but that ofcourse leads to an awful lot of guilt.
i came down for baroque dance tomorrow, but with the snow, im not sure i can get there, which would be a shame because it is the only think i have been semi enthusiastic about for weeks. (even ballet has lost its attraction - thats when i know the old black dog is back again).
dreadign this coming week. i havent been turning up to uni - i just feel to blah. i know i cant keep doing this, but bed really does seem like the better option.
i dont want to say this to a gp. they will think im nuts... 'hi, i think im depressed again...give me more drugs...'that is not the call of a sain person. sometimes i worry that they think im pretending, but then i find myself thinking thoughts that to anyone else would just seem disturbing.
sometimes i wish 7 year old charlotte would have had the guts to have acctually hung herself in her wardrobe rather then just thought about it - would have cut out an awful lot of crap.
dont worry, i wont do anything, i never have - would feel to guilty for hurting my parents/sister. just a thought.
i hope that if my meds are changed, that they help - i sure as hell can not stay like this and keep up with food, uni and not cutting. something is going to go at some point.
have an appointment booked for tues. nerves.
Thursday, 2 February 2012
scrapbooook
todays scrapbook page.
still feeling pretty crappy - wasnt going to go to group, but the other girls persuaded me... spent most of it quiet and then went off on one on an angry, pissed off 'im fat' rant...
eating disorders really do make you crazy.
got home, tried to have dinner, but rather unsuccessfully had a visit with the toilet monster afterwards... in what universe is it logical for throwing up (voluntarily) to feel more comfortable than to eat, or feel full?!!! (not even full full, just not hungry?!)
bah.
Monday, 30 January 2012
messy head
when did i get so fat?
my friend just sent me pics of the concert i did the other day. i look practically obese, yet i cant stop eating.
i disgust myself.
werent these feelings meant to go?
i feel like im feeling worse, but not helping myself (loosing weight). im just looking in the mirror and going 'well this fucking sucks'. it feels lazy and wrong. i should be doing something about it, but then everyone else says i shouldnt be.
i cant stand it, i just want to cry, but instead im trundling along trying (and failing) to practice instead.
im feeling so tired all of the time, yet im not sleeping enough at night.
im just feeling under the weather 24/7, and its not making it any easier to tell my head that things are so much better then they were - because they really dont feel it.
i feel very alone and very tired of this.
i know i cant go backwards, but i cant see that there is anywhere forwards to go.
i feel like im just 'being fine' for everyone else - im tired.
my friend just sent me pics of the concert i did the other day. i look practically obese, yet i cant stop eating.
i disgust myself.
werent these feelings meant to go?
i feel like im feeling worse, but not helping myself (loosing weight). im just looking in the mirror and going 'well this fucking sucks'. it feels lazy and wrong. i should be doing something about it, but then everyone else says i shouldnt be.
i cant stand it, i just want to cry, but instead im trundling along trying (and failing) to practice instead.
im feeling so tired all of the time, yet im not sleeping enough at night.
im just feeling under the weather 24/7, and its not making it any easier to tell my head that things are so much better then they were - because they really dont feel it.
i feel very alone and very tired of this.
i know i cant go backwards, but i cant see that there is anywhere forwards to go.
i feel like im just 'being fine' for everyone else - im tired.
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
Monday, 16 January 2012
i dont understand how all of this can make so little sense.
everything i think. everything i instinctivly feel is RIGHT, good - the way things should be. it FEELS so ridiculasly sain and right, but its not.
i cant seem to understand how eating is good for me. how i might need it to 'survive'.
i dont understand it when people say that being hungry and cold all the time is miserable. no its not, its safe.
i dont understand why im still this weight, and still trying to beleive everyones promises that my head 'will catch up' and that i will start feeling ok about this.
i am living my life as if im breaking the rules.
every minet of every day i am being the bad one.
im going against all my intuitions. it feels like im going against my morals by letting myself stay healthy (yes im aware that sounds mental)
and i dont like breaking the rules.
i dont like being the bad one.
i want to be good again.
everything i think. everything i instinctivly feel is RIGHT, good - the way things should be. it FEELS so ridiculasly sain and right, but its not.
i cant seem to understand how eating is good for me. how i might need it to 'survive'.
i dont understand it when people say that being hungry and cold all the time is miserable. no its not, its safe.
i dont understand why im still this weight, and still trying to beleive everyones promises that my head 'will catch up' and that i will start feeling ok about this.
i am living my life as if im breaking the rules.
every minet of every day i am being the bad one.
im going against all my intuitions. it feels like im going against my morals by letting myself stay healthy (yes im aware that sounds mental)
and i dont like breaking the rules.
i dont like being the bad one.
i want to be good again.
Saturday, 14 January 2012
new person!
Hello,
i had my first appointment with someone again yesturday.
she is a nurse from IP, but is now working as a nurse therapist with the outpatient team.
it was a lot better then i expected, and she actually seemed very understanding, and also to get that things arent always as 'fine' as i make them out to be.
we went through the basics of whats been going on latley, what im up to, how college is going etc
perfectionism, feeling quite down a lot, not sleeping and not really eating properly all came up.
she sais it seems like i have a foot in both doors - i know i cant get really ill again, but i cant give it up either... id say thats a pretty acurate discription.
she also asked how she could help me with the whole not trusting someone thing as (in her words) 'lets face it, you dont have much of the outpatiant team left'... oops! she is right of course.
im not really sure what it is that makes me trust her more than the last 2 i saw, maybe its that i know her a bit, or that she seems to understand that just because i know it logically, it doesnt mean i have been able to do it (unlike franchesca who thought that as we had spoken about it, i was magically better).
she said that we would have 4 sessions, and then review it so that i could see if i wanted to work on with her, and to give me a chance to be open if things arent helping.
i hope that this will be helpful, i think it may well be, but not getting my hopes up too much!
next appointment is with her on friday x
i had my first appointment with someone again yesturday.
she is a nurse from IP, but is now working as a nurse therapist with the outpatient team.
it was a lot better then i expected, and she actually seemed very understanding, and also to get that things arent always as 'fine' as i make them out to be.
we went through the basics of whats been going on latley, what im up to, how college is going etc
perfectionism, feeling quite down a lot, not sleeping and not really eating properly all came up.
she sais it seems like i have a foot in both doors - i know i cant get really ill again, but i cant give it up either... id say thats a pretty acurate discription.
she also asked how she could help me with the whole not trusting someone thing as (in her words) 'lets face it, you dont have much of the outpatiant team left'... oops! she is right of course.
im not really sure what it is that makes me trust her more than the last 2 i saw, maybe its that i know her a bit, or that she seems to understand that just because i know it logically, it doesnt mean i have been able to do it (unlike franchesca who thought that as we had spoken about it, i was magically better).
she said that we would have 4 sessions, and then review it so that i could see if i wanted to work on with her, and to give me a chance to be open if things arent helping.
i hope that this will be helpful, i think it may well be, but not getting my hopes up too much!
next appointment is with her on friday x
Thursday, 12 January 2012
another day!
well,
i got my presentation out of the way, and did about 3 and a half hours practice, plus conducting, and rehearsals and group... im tired!
iv worked out what is in my head (haha)
this hole crappy feeling all boils down to the
IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
tape that seems to be on replay...
im not good enough at college, playing instruments, learning quickly enough, dancing, being a friend blah blah blah...
i want to be perfect at everything, even tho i know you cant be.
now just to figure out how to change the way i think... any ideas welcome!
i got my presentation out of the way, and did about 3 and a half hours practice, plus conducting, and rehearsals and group... im tired!
iv worked out what is in my head (haha)
this hole crappy feeling all boils down to the
IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
tape that seems to be on replay...
im not good enough at college, playing instruments, learning quickly enough, dancing, being a friend blah blah blah...
i want to be perfect at everything, even tho i know you cant be.
now just to figure out how to change the way i think... any ideas welcome!
Monday, 9 January 2012
...
Well, its been a while!
im not sure what im thinking tonight, which is i guess why i am wrighting here... that and the fact im avoiding writing a presentation.
the thing i dont get with 'recovery' is how things can feel so bad when they are going 'so well'.
how is it, that my brain has never yet caught up, and that i am not feeling like this recovering thing is actually helping me in any way.
i feel like an elephant, im as by myself as ever, and i still dont sleep enough and want to cry more than most...
wasnt this meant to change?
i know everyones answer to this will be 'but have you been doing it properly for long enough?'
and in truth, probably not.
i flit between days of really trying, and days of really trying not to.
more now of really trying not to, but its laughable... 1000 kcal used to be more than i would eat in days, now its my version of restricting... that alone disgusts my ed part.
i dont know which direction im trying to go in.
loosing weight will logically only land me in a crappy place, possible hospital, which i dont want to go to,
but then, staying here seems so unbearable.
just once, i would like to feel like i know that this will all be ok.
instead of focusing on my work, and practice, my mind is stuck on my body, my diet, my weight.
but then, maybe thats why im focusing on it. maybe its easier then the possibility of having to realise that i will never succeed in what i want to, and that i will always fail.
im not sure what im thinking tonight, which is i guess why i am wrighting here... that and the fact im avoiding writing a presentation.
the thing i dont get with 'recovery' is how things can feel so bad when they are going 'so well'.
how is it, that my brain has never yet caught up, and that i am not feeling like this recovering thing is actually helping me in any way.
i feel like an elephant, im as by myself as ever, and i still dont sleep enough and want to cry more than most...
wasnt this meant to change?
i know everyones answer to this will be 'but have you been doing it properly for long enough?'
and in truth, probably not.
i flit between days of really trying, and days of really trying not to.
more now of really trying not to, but its laughable... 1000 kcal used to be more than i would eat in days, now its my version of restricting... that alone disgusts my ed part.
i dont know which direction im trying to go in.
loosing weight will logically only land me in a crappy place, possible hospital, which i dont want to go to,
but then, staying here seems so unbearable.
just once, i would like to feel like i know that this will all be ok.
instead of focusing on my work, and practice, my mind is stuck on my body, my diet, my weight.
but then, maybe thats why im focusing on it. maybe its easier then the possibility of having to realise that i will never succeed in what i want to, and that i will always fail.
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