bank holiday blues

hey hey hey,
well it is bank holiday monday, and so far i have yet to have a lie in, pants, had 3 attempts this weekend and all failed miserably!

food isnt really going so well,
basically been throwing up a lot, i think its because i went up almost a kg, and then freaked out. according to my scales im back down to 44kg this morning (thank god), but i have been throwing up at least once a day since thursday. well, on thursday it was 4 times (bad night), i think i had friday off throwing up acctually which is good, and then saturday i think once, yesterday twice, and today once so far.

i just keep freaking out at the food, dont want to put on weight, and dont want to be eating this much, so i almost automatically go to the loo after eating. its very silly, and im scared of telling them tomorrow in group, but i will have to be honest with them.

im so mixed up with food, i cant work out if i want to do this or not, and if i do, how on earth to acctually let it happen. im so scared of eating, gaining weight, letting my body be what it should be, im scared of not being in control of it.

its funny because on 1 side i see myself all better and living a happy life, and on the other, im with ed, and feeling like i do now, but that seems so much less scary. doesnt make any sense!

wish i would just wave a wand and make it dissapear!

quick update

hello,
just a quick post as i should go too sleep!

today 2 people have left for good =-( daycare just wont be as fun without them!
its crazy how close i feel to them, and its only my 3rd week here.

had ward review, and they said after next week they will start reducing my days... im a tad scared, as i really dont think its long enough, but they seem to think its fine. they said they think i need some individual therapy, so fingers crossed it may come up soon, as i have a feeling il need that before i give up my food habbits for good!

feeling crappy tonight as iv thrown up 4 times... i think im just scared/nerves/sad about everything, did try to distract myself by going to college, and i spent 3 hours there, but i still wanted to do it, and then once iv done it once, its hard to stop. not sure quite how im feeling, i dont feel like im in the room, almost like im dizy without being dizzy, sometimes im surprised at how stupid i really am!

guess i should go to sleep, too scared to drink anything, feeling thirsty but knowing me, id end up throwing it up again, so its not worth it.... how i feel so attatched to this eating disorder, i have no idea!

what a messy head!!!

my goodness me,
my head feels like its so full it might explode!!!
tomorrow 3 people are leaving... 1 has got to her discharge date, 1 has decided she has had enough, and the other isnt doing very well so they are going to try a different approach.

im feeling a bit sad about it, used to them being around, and im worried that they wont do very well, just have to keep my fingers and toes crossed. this illness is so horrible, it claims the nicest people iv met, and makes them ill and miserable =-(

the last couple of days i have found very difficult. my head is full of feelings, and im unable to talk about it. any attempt iv made has ended in me being told to think about it later and not let it stick in my mind... they sure know how to deal with people with eating disorders... not!

its so frustrating, i have tried and tried to work out how to change how i cope, and every time i feel like i can try something new im told to not do it, but that just means i carry on using food to cope.

it feels impossible to change my eating habbits whilst my feelings are the same and im not being helped with that.

im not looking forwards to day care tomorrow, i dont like good bye's, and i am not looking forwards to friday, as there will only be 4 of us left.

i hate eating disorders for what they do to the most fantastic and lovely people i know.

aaaaaaaaaah family =-/

well im on day one of 2 days of family stuff, and i am already clawing the walls!

my little cousins are laud, and keep jumping on me, keep asking questions and just wont leave me alone,
the adults keep on asking about daycare, and then saying really un useful crap about how they eat or weigh them selves every day,
they keep stressing because they are incapable of not stressing,
and it is driving me NUTS!!!!

battle in my head

ok, so i am unbeleivably 2 sided about the whole recovery thing!

i want to get better, but i want to get thinner
i want to eat, but i hate eating
i want to live normally, but living without this scares me
i want to let go, but i feel like i need this to live...

i know i have to accept i need to gain weight and let myself, but i am finding that hard. Jude came and chatted too me today about it, and warned me that i need to do it else i cant stay here, which would mean i wouldnt be able to have much help.

im so scared of doing it, scared of thinking of a life without it =-(

o deary me

well this sucks, i just purged twice... stupid stupid charlotte!!!

im feeling very mixed today.
i had my meeting to discuss the last 2 weeks, and they have decided that i stay for a further 6 weeks, i am discharged on the 1st of july.

the only thing is, i am rather scared that 6 weeks isnt long enough for me to change properly. im not going to have any time to maintain my weight before i go, as they want me to go up to 47.5kg, and we gain .5 of a kilogram a week. so that means il gain weight, leave, and have no support when it comes to keeping it up =-s

everyone has told me to talk to them, but i cant do it, im not very good at contradicting people, so the idea of telling them i feel i may need longer when they say 6 weeks is almost impossible. im scared they will tell me im being stupid, or attention seeking.

i think i made myself sick because im angry at my self for being so useless. im annoyed that i still find it so hard to put across my views, and i just sit and smile. its a barrier i cant see a way across.

i also went into evolution (where i used to work), to say hi and buy a candle, and Kay asked straight out why i had lost a lot of weight. im pretty sure she expected what i told her, which im mixed about. she seemed to surprisingly clued up, so i wonder if she has had problems her self. especially as she was asking all the right questions (like do you want to give it up, and, is it about control). i kinda cut the conversation short because i felt a bit uncomfortable, but she now knows all about the food issues of the last 10 years!

i did try and walk around town to distract my self from vomiting, but i guess it didnt work =-(

enter the afternoon snack...

well, as i lost more weight i have had a food increase =-(

seems that the amount im eating isnt enough so i had to have a choice of a chocolate bar, crisps or crackers and cheese for todays afternoon snack...

i tried maltesers... and ended up in tears for half an hour because quite frankly the only time il eat foods like that are when i can throw them up!!! ofcourse, i wasnt aloud to do that, so i had to just get on with it... i am dreading tomorrow.

i just feel like i dont deserve that kind of food. its a treat food, something people would have if they deserved it, and i cant stand myself, so why would i give my self a treat?! alowing myself to eat meals is a big enough thing (works along the same lines), but chocolate, crisps of fatty foods?!!! i wish they would let me have fruite instead =-(

i dont know, it hit a nerve, and im starting to realise things arent going to be easy... and im going to have to carry on eating this much for ever, which is a rather scary thought.

most of my head is still screaming at me that i just want to be thin =-(

what a sunny day

i am loving the weather!!!

yesterday was a hard day.
day care was difficult, i just had the most overwhelming feelings that i couldnt socialise and i was intruding and not liked and being annoying... iv not felt quite that crappy in a while!!!

in going home group i managed to burst into tears and make an arse of my self by mentioning it, and hoe the silence really puts me on edge (everyone there is really quiet and i cant stand not having noise). it just got really hard eating in silence, and i got really stressed because it doesnt feel normal! (it isnt normal!!!)

after that i decided to walk home instead of catch the train, as i would have eaten and thrown up given half the chance, so i spent an hour walking along the canal and had a really nice time watching all the baby ducklings and listening to the birds, it really calmed me down!!!

i went and got a frappacino from star bucks, as i know they probably wouldnt have wanted me to walk that far (we dont mind you walking, but not unnececerily) without being on a full intake, and i went to beckies.

the night was really good acctually, apart from the lasagne, which i had for the first time in many many years and scared the hell out of me, but i did eat it, and then we all had a nice time chatting. were going to go out, but her flat mate burt into tears, and i the spent the rest of the night acting as her counceler... im the only one around here that knows she has an eating disorder which she wont get help for, so i didnt feel i could just leave it, she clearly needed to talk.

after that i stayed at beccies as it was gone 12, and got up for rehearsals today.

i have baught food for tonight and breakfast, but i feel like such a pie =-( i hated having that much food, knowing i will have to eat it. i got little cartons of orange juice and the little boxes of cerial because i dont know how much im meant to have, and i figured that should be a portion, and i have semi skimmed milk (not my beloved skimmed). i need a slice of bread but was hoping a flat mate may have one i can borrow.

im scared about the weigh in on monday. i hope i havent gone up, because that feels too scary, but then although i want to go down, im worried they would tell me off for it (even tho i did the first time). there is still part of me that feels i shouldnt go back on monday because im too fat too be there, and because i have managed to eat this much this week... but then i also know i wouldnt stay eating this much, which is maybe what i want.

im just worried about everything. im worried about getting fat, about looking greedy, about not being able to use ed any more, and about taking up a place that i shouldnt be in.

staring at a special k bar...

well today in going home group i got asked what i was going to eat, so i told them dinner, and then jude (the diatician) asked if i could manage a snack before bed time.

i said il see... and i have in front of me a special k bar and an options hot chocolate... probably not recomended really, but i dont even feel like i can do this.

today has been a rough ride.
the day its self was ok, i got through the day in daycare with no tears, well not in front of anyone, and i managed all my food, even tho i havent really had a sandwhich in many many years!

i had a lesson with annabel today, and it was pretty crap really. i felt really unconfident, and didnt play very well, and felt guilty for wasting her time, i havent played in a week.
after that i went and sat in the harp room, and paddy came in and i pretty much burst into tears on him! he was very sweet, walked to tesco with me, and then we met clare and sarah...and they all helped me pick dinner as i couldnt decide on anything and didnt want anything and was almost in tears... wow, thats crap!

came home with sarah, who sat with me to make sure i ate dinner and didnt chuck it, and then i spent the rest of my night home alone with the cat (who i will miss greatly when i move...even more then my human housemates!)

i have so many doubts in my head, and a lot of fears, and a lot of realisations. its all a bit crazy.

like logic tells me that only ill people are in day care for an eating disorder, but im in day care... which in theory means im ill enough to be there?! i really struggle to understand that one in my head.

logic also tells me that eating this much food means i will gain a huge amount of weight (ok, maybe that one is ed, and not language), but i was weighed today (4 days after eating like a hippo), and i have lost .4 of a kg. (so about 1 lb, taking me to 6 stone 13 again). but in my head thats crazy and ridiculas because i should be rolling around rather then walking by now.

also, im finding it hard to beleive i need to gain any weight. jude said i was clinically under weight, but im not really, i think my bmi is liek 18.7, so its not under the minimum, but apparently the minimum is 20 acording to her. i dont get it, and im scared of putting on any weight, let alone enough to take me to that.

i dont know, i dont beleive im ill, i think im too big too be there, i think eating this much food (on introductory portions!) is crazy and i think their scales are lying... all of which is compleat and untter bollocks!

another day in daycare!

well hello hello blog blog.

this is day 3, and its still pretty tough.
had my bloods and ECG done today...resting heart rate is 106bpm, but that was the only thing out, find out bloods soon i guess.

pretty hard day, food went down a little easier, but im exhausted, its a hard hard thing!!! xxx

why on earth did i think recovery was a good idea?!!!!

o my god i am in a shity shity mood today.
my phone is broke, i have to get extra evidence for my student support application (for money which i am desperatly in need of), and i have eaten far to much and cant face dinner. all in all an absolutly shite day.

daycare was really hard today. my body decided it didnt want breakfast either, and for the first time in my life it tried to purge properly without me deciding to... i was literally trying not to throw up over my bowl (as in you know when you have a tummy bug? thats what my tummy was doing). it was ridiculas i had to go out and be calmed down and try to keep it back, and once i finally managed that it was 'right, lets go and finish breakfast' (which was still half a bowl of weetabix with milk AND orange juice AND a slice of toast and butter...i have never cried so much over such a stupid thing.

im just finding it really bloody hard. ='-(

recovery from here on in...

am i aloud to run away screaming instead?!!!

on the pluss side, i survived today, i am alive, i am in one peice (certainly physically, maybe not mentally!), and it wont be as scary tomorrow.

i have also eaten the first baguette i have had in 10 years...thats a WHOLE TEN YEARS!!!!
it also had real mayo AND real butter....both of which i very rarely touch.

yes, i did cry over it (only once i had finished and was aloud to leave the table), and i was the last to finish and had the most overwelming urge to run back out the doors and find a place to throw up n never come back, but i stayed and i was ok.

the other girls there are so lovely, all sticks (i hate them for that!), but very sweet and supportive, i felt bad for crying but they all said they had felt like that on there first day, but after a couple of weeks itl get easier.

i basically spent the day in appointments with people, and a physical, an assesment of my mental health, an assesment with the nutritionist, and tomorrow they have arranged for me to have an ECG and my bloods done.
was slightly embarrasing having to strip down to my bra and knickers for a male doctor, but i guess itl be even more fun tomorrow with the ECG...just hope its the whoman doing that! the only thing i noticed is some of my reflexes didnt work, which is a bit weird, but i dont know what that means!

silly questions like 'do you get dizzy' got asked, but i never really think about it because its pretty normal!

im on intraductory portions, which im glad about so dont have to do snacks yet, and meals ar 1/3rd smaler then they will be.

tomorrow for breakfast, it will be a slice of toast with butter, weetabix with hot milk, AND orange juice... thats more then i would usually have in a day. Then, its pasta with tomatoe sauce and cheese for lunch *major scary food*, and im meant to try and add some carbohydrate to my stirfry tomorrow, tho after pasta im not sure.

i dont know, my head feels a mess, and most of me doesnt want to do it, but then it was always going to be like that. i still wanted to be thinner befroe i started (stupid ed wanted to prove he was real), but im trying to go along with it and just do it.

anyway, im tired with a bad headache. bed, early start.

make it go away

ok, so today has been good and bad.

good = seeing emily, going to the zoo and going to chester.
bad = eating so much, purging twice (evening time emily!) and then eating lots more.

i am shit scared of monday.

its coming to quickly. i feel too fat to do this, i want to be thinner, i dont want to be eating. i like my bones, i like seeing my ribs, i like seeing the numbers go down. i like looking smaller.
its frustrating because actually iv had a lot of people telling me i look pretty/beautiful latley, and because i like it, its hard to ignore. i know that alot of people also think i look better bigger, but i just dont agree.

im so scared of how il change.
im scared because this is a real start of recovery.
i cant kid myself anymore that im ok, if i do this, then it is real, and recovery has to be real.

im meant to have been in recovery for a long time. and i genuinly thought i was, but then i talk to my friends and they say things like 'ye, you werent doing well last time i saw you', or i look back at pictures and realise that i cant have been healthy looking that pale.

i cant stand the idea of never being able to do this again, of never being able to be thin.

i know that other things will take over, and that in theory there are far better things that will take over, but im scared that im the odd one out and it wont be true.

i see some of my friends so close to there boyfriends, and im jealouse. im scared that il never find that person, and if i dont find him i wont be able to have kids, and then what would i do? what will i do if i dont have anyone? if i watch all my friends marry and have beautiful kids and i end up like my aunty who has no one. anorexia/bulimia is an easier path then the uncertainty of that.

im petrified that all the things i want to recover for wont happen, and it feels far safer to know for sure because of my ed then it does to try and escape my ed and wait and see. i hate not knowing.

i keep just wanting to burst into tears, but im having to be positive in front of people all the time, and i dont feel like i can do it.
i cant even begin to tell you how scared i am.

to binge or not to binge...doesnt sound as good as shakespears version!

ok, so i am awake, and as usual i feel like i should throw up so i dont weigh as much in the morning...awkward logic i think, and i managed not to yesterday, and hadent gone up, but i weighed myself tonight and i am up 2lb, and im scared it wont go down again in the morning (even tho i know it should, and i shouldnt be weighting myself this much)

question is, do i be brave and not bother, or give in?!

i think i am in a big panick about monday, under the surface. like im not too panicky, but my food isnt in control, and im having weird dreams about it (hahaha soooo obviouse its nuts, lots of massive hills i keep falling down and confronting scary things in them).

on the up side, i had a lovely night with lewis last night, i can not wait for his recital to be out of the way and for me to get de-stressed lewis back, its sooooo much nicer! saying that, he wasnt stressed last night, and it just felt so nice to be with him, like i feel i can be myself, he kept telling me i was beautiful and that he missed me, and funnily enough, i have missed that from him!

also looking for hoses, becca may be moving in after all, so i am looking for both 2 and 3 bed places, and i am rather excited to be getting out of this place. there are a lot of nice places that arent too expensive, real real homes!!! with real nice kitchens and real nice sofas and gorgeouse bathrooms...i cant wait!!!

also finally foud the beads iv been looking on line for, it has taken me weeks, but i think i have found some inspirational word beads that arent too expensive (have plans on jewelery making and selling to a few little shops up here). havent ordered them yet, but at least i know where they are from!!!

right, i should go to bed, up early to meet emily tomorrow WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!

binge mode

hmmm so i am deffinatly in the mood to eat everything and throw it all back up again... why?! i acctually dont know. i suspect i am just scared of monday and this is a 'great' distraction...pluss i am scared of keeping any food in incase i gain weight tomorrow, thus i am bored - eat, and then feel guilty, so throw up.
i made a yummy low fat curry for dinner, but i threw that up too, and now i am trying very hard not to be in the kitchen, but im just in the mood to eat. i guess im hungry in a way, maybe my body is trying to give me a hint. but then, maybe its just me.

also went to the doctor, who remembers me (hahaha) and started off with 'how ARE things?' i saw her before xmas, but obviously once you have gone through the list of 'are you going to top your self' questions, you remember them! found a lump on my breast so thought id get it checked out while i was there, she said its probably nothing but is reffering me anyway to get it checked out.

on the lighter side of things, holly the cat is officially a wimp...horris the hamster scared her off by sniffing her...she literally pegged it to the other side of my room!!!

so the question is, to eat or not to eat...gaaaah!

its an official date

ok, the 10th it is, i now have a comfermation letter and a 2 week assesment - followed by 'this may result in day care or a package of care from outpatients and/or local services'.
i assume as i have already been in outpatient then the latter is unlickly and if it works for me il be doing daycare for a while.

i start at 10.30 on monday the 10th (im let of breakfast the first day!) till 4, and then for the rest of the 2 weeks its 8-4... im going to have to get used to waking up early!

im a mixture of emotions - scared but excited, nerves but logical about it, wanting to run but exhausted from running, and not wanting to get better but desperate too...so many contradictions at the moment!

i was meant to do a presentation at college today and didnt go in, i faked a sicky (bad charlotte) but just want to stay tucked up hiding under my covers asleep. it feels nicer to be here rather then having to be around college knowing that im not going to be in for the rest of this year (apart from late night practice). it is easier to ignore the change if im not at the place where its going to really change things.

on the up(?) side, i am finally 6 stone 13lb, taken me bloody ages, and im shit scared it will go back tomorrow, but im really really happy with that (?!!!!) - and this is why ed needs to die!

last session with counceler =-(

well, as the title sais, i saw alison my counceler for the last time (as im meant to be starting day care soon).
was a bit sad, and im not sure who i will be able to talk to without her!
so, as always i come home and spend the night eating and throwing up... way to go for coping properly, what a joke.
im feeling shakey and dizzy and have a headache (which i have had for ages now). also cant feel my fingers properly as i seem to have no circulation. joy o joy!
the possibility of being able to eat anything and keep it down are slim, so bed it is i guess.

i may be shit scared, but i cant wait to be able to live normally.

ppn sucks!

ppn- performance paractice notation...the most useless subject i have taken in college so far i think...its all on how do perform in a historically correct mannor...which as a recorder player i do already! we have a presentation on wednesday, and have been doing bits of it tonight.

havent finished yet, and tomorrow i have a masterclass 10-5, counceling 2-3, folk rehearsals 6-8 and then we have to fit in more ppn as we have to do it at 9.30 on wednesday...aaaaaah!!! im tired just thinking about tomorrow!

so, the plan is...up and out by 8.30, an hours practice, and then the rest of the day... maybe more practice if i can keep awake tomorrow night!

i was at home today, and we went to john lewis to look for craft stuff i could take with me to daycare for sitting time... only problem is, it makes things real, so instead of finding something, i spent the whole time finding nothing suitable. in reality, there was plenty, but i just didnt want to find anything.

saw my gran today...she confuses me. she said she was pleased i was doing it, but in the same 20 min said i had a round face... she also read my reports from my recorder teachers and then said that 'i knew you could do it, you could be the top of anything, the violin, the recorer, anything you tried'... which begs the question of if she always thought i could be really good, why spend the last 20 years telling me otherwise?!
not once do i remember her telling me i did well enough, yet she comes out with the words telling me that i have always been capable... it makes me sad to think how different things could have been if it wasnt for her.

still, i am also awear i wouldnt be the same person without my past experiances, and im hoping one day i will be pleased about that, and that i will like it.

on the up side, i am sitting in a clear room (thanks to my flat mate, who is amazing), with candles, inscense and music playing, and feeling calmer then i have in months. (i swear there is something in my inscense!)

at least i will be busy tomorrow, and wednesday. leaves less time to think! x

tired

been a ggood, but long day!
didnt sleep well last night, stayed at gabi's, and she was out like a log from her meds, and i was on the floor trying to be asleep for a lot of the night!
got up at 8.45 and got train(s) to st albans, and met sarah, was good fun, had a really nice time, although had to eat lunch and that wasnt on the plan, had a fat day today with food =-s
then met alex in st albans, had a really nice time wondering around the shops and getting coffee! nice to chat too, and just lovely! (and musical and into cake decorating!)
came back, and had to eat dinner at home (eek), and then ended up stuffinf my face whilst watching house, threw that up (amazing how quietly i have learnt to do that, no one knows a thing!), ate a bit more (why?!) and here i am... a bit miserable about food, but other then that ok.
i have booked a train to go back to birmingham before dinner time, so i get out of eating lamb, its sitting in the fridge and looking fatty and gross!
parents think i have lost more weight, i dont think i have, i dont know, at most 3lb since easter, which really isnt that much anyway.

gah, sleep sleep sleep, im all tired!
(me, chai tea and my bed makes me happy!)

too many thoughts =-s

ok, so as im sitting here i am all too awear that it is only 7 days untill i start day care...
7 days too short, too long, im not really decided, but i am deffinatly scared.
i am very scared of lots of things...

1) putting on weight
2) eating that much food
3) failing at recovery and disapointing people
4) wasting a space someone else needs more
5) them telling me it was a mistake and to get lost because it wont help me
6) to be the fatest one there (yes irrational i know)
7) not getting on with the other girls there
8) starting and getting chucked out before i feel ready
9) many many more things...

im very awear that this is probably the only help il be given, and i am so scared that it wont help me, and then what? i cant be stuck like this for another 10 years, because if the ed doesnt kill me, then im pretty sure depression will, and that is not the plan.

i dont want to fail at it, but as usual my way of not failing is to not try, and thats what im desperate to do, even tho i know that i cant with this, i just want to run for the door tho.

i cant bear to see my family so excited that im going to get help because it means they might be let down, and thats the one thing i try never to do. i please people, thats what i do, and thats what iv always done, and what if i dissapoint them?

what if what if what if... stupid brain... must find the off switch!

heyyyllooooo

hello lovely blog of mine,
well today has been a mixture...

i am in pain, lots and lots of pain due to a rather large mouth ulcer that has made my bottom lip swell up, and my jaw still being all clicky and horrible, thus continuing to give me a headache! (must work out how not to clench it!)

im at lewis's at the moment, we have had a really nice night acctually, got a takeaway (which didnt stay down, but he doesnt know so no stress out), and hugged up, and just relaxed and chatted. even ate some coffee flavour ice cream (not much, so that DID stay!). now just looking up belly button bars that are shorter, as i keep catching this one because it is too long...or im too short more like!

tomorrow afternoon im heading home, doing practice first, and then off meeting gabi in london, sleeping at home and meeting 2 friends in st albans on sunday, and coming back to birmingham n monday afternoon to sort out a presentation due on wednesday... on the joys of brandenberg concerto no.2 and how to perform it in a historically correct way...zzzzzzz!

just hoping i dont have to eat too much, sounds stupid but part of me wants to 'make the most' of being able to not eat before i start day care!

anyway, bed xxxxx