staring at a special k bar...

well today in going home group i got asked what i was going to eat, so i told them dinner, and then jude (the diatician) asked if i could manage a snack before bed time.

i said il see... and i have in front of me a special k bar and an options hot chocolate... probably not recomended really, but i dont even feel like i can do this.

today has been a rough ride.
the day its self was ok, i got through the day in daycare with no tears, well not in front of anyone, and i managed all my food, even tho i havent really had a sandwhich in many many years!

i had a lesson with annabel today, and it was pretty crap really. i felt really unconfident, and didnt play very well, and felt guilty for wasting her time, i havent played in a week.
after that i went and sat in the harp room, and paddy came in and i pretty much burst into tears on him! he was very sweet, walked to tesco with me, and then we met clare and sarah...and they all helped me pick dinner as i couldnt decide on anything and didnt want anything and was almost in tears... wow, thats crap!

came home with sarah, who sat with me to make sure i ate dinner and didnt chuck it, and then i spent the rest of my night home alone with the cat (who i will miss greatly when i move...even more then my human housemates!)

i have so many doubts in my head, and a lot of fears, and a lot of realisations. its all a bit crazy.

like logic tells me that only ill people are in day care for an eating disorder, but im in day care... which in theory means im ill enough to be there?! i really struggle to understand that one in my head.

logic also tells me that eating this much food means i will gain a huge amount of weight (ok, maybe that one is ed, and not language), but i was weighed today (4 days after eating like a hippo), and i have lost .4 of a kg. (so about 1 lb, taking me to 6 stone 13 again). but in my head thats crazy and ridiculas because i should be rolling around rather then walking by now.

also, im finding it hard to beleive i need to gain any weight. jude said i was clinically under weight, but im not really, i think my bmi is liek 18.7, so its not under the minimum, but apparently the minimum is 20 acording to her. i dont get it, and im scared of putting on any weight, let alone enough to take me to that.

i dont know, i dont beleive im ill, i think im too big too be there, i think eating this much food (on introductory portions!) is crazy and i think their scales are lying... all of which is compleat and untter bollocks!