make it go away

ok, so today has been good and bad.

good = seeing emily, going to the zoo and going to chester.
bad = eating so much, purging twice (evening time emily!) and then eating lots more.

i am shit scared of monday.

its coming to quickly. i feel too fat to do this, i want to be thinner, i dont want to be eating. i like my bones, i like seeing my ribs, i like seeing the numbers go down. i like looking smaller.
its frustrating because actually iv had a lot of people telling me i look pretty/beautiful latley, and because i like it, its hard to ignore. i know that alot of people also think i look better bigger, but i just dont agree.

im so scared of how il change.
im scared because this is a real start of recovery.
i cant kid myself anymore that im ok, if i do this, then it is real, and recovery has to be real.

im meant to have been in recovery for a long time. and i genuinly thought i was, but then i talk to my friends and they say things like 'ye, you werent doing well last time i saw you', or i look back at pictures and realise that i cant have been healthy looking that pale.

i cant stand the idea of never being able to do this again, of never being able to be thin.

i know that other things will take over, and that in theory there are far better things that will take over, but im scared that im the odd one out and it wont be true.

i see some of my friends so close to there boyfriends, and im jealouse. im scared that il never find that person, and if i dont find him i wont be able to have kids, and then what would i do? what will i do if i dont have anyone? if i watch all my friends marry and have beautiful kids and i end up like my aunty who has no one. anorexia/bulimia is an easier path then the uncertainty of that.

im petrified that all the things i want to recover for wont happen, and it feels far safer to know for sure because of my ed then it does to try and escape my ed and wait and see. i hate not knowing.

i keep just wanting to burst into tears, but im having to be positive in front of people all the time, and i dont feel like i can do it.
i cant even begin to tell you how scared i am.