what a sunny day

i am loving the weather!!!

yesterday was a hard day.
day care was difficult, i just had the most overwhelming feelings that i couldnt socialise and i was intruding and not liked and being annoying... iv not felt quite that crappy in a while!!!

in going home group i managed to burst into tears and make an arse of my self by mentioning it, and hoe the silence really puts me on edge (everyone there is really quiet and i cant stand not having noise). it just got really hard eating in silence, and i got really stressed because it doesnt feel normal! (it isnt normal!!!)

after that i decided to walk home instead of catch the train, as i would have eaten and thrown up given half the chance, so i spent an hour walking along the canal and had a really nice time watching all the baby ducklings and listening to the birds, it really calmed me down!!!

i went and got a frappacino from star bucks, as i know they probably wouldnt have wanted me to walk that far (we dont mind you walking, but not unnececerily) without being on a full intake, and i went to beckies.

the night was really good acctually, apart from the lasagne, which i had for the first time in many many years and scared the hell out of me, but i did eat it, and then we all had a nice time chatting. were going to go out, but her flat mate burt into tears, and i the spent the rest of the night acting as her counceler... im the only one around here that knows she has an eating disorder which she wont get help for, so i didnt feel i could just leave it, she clearly needed to talk.

after that i stayed at beccies as it was gone 12, and got up for rehearsals today.

i have baught food for tonight and breakfast, but i feel like such a pie =-( i hated having that much food, knowing i will have to eat it. i got little cartons of orange juice and the little boxes of cerial because i dont know how much im meant to have, and i figured that should be a portion, and i have semi skimmed milk (not my beloved skimmed). i need a slice of bread but was hoping a flat mate may have one i can borrow.

im scared about the weigh in on monday. i hope i havent gone up, because that feels too scary, but then although i want to go down, im worried they would tell me off for it (even tho i did the first time). there is still part of me that feels i shouldnt go back on monday because im too fat too be there, and because i have managed to eat this much this week... but then i also know i wouldnt stay eating this much, which is maybe what i want.

im just worried about everything. im worried about getting fat, about looking greedy, about not being able to use ed any more, and about taking up a place that i shouldnt be in.