ok, so there are probably 3 main reasons i make myself sick.
1) i am angry/upset at something - thus feel like i need the release of feelings
2) i accidently eat too much/more then planned and feel guilty
3) i am starving, but dont like that i need food. eating and throwing up makes me feel both like i have had time eating, and stops my stomach telling me i am hungry.
i didnt really realise reason 3 till just now, but i think i acctually do that a lot, its just another way of getting rid of a hungry tummy (not a good one tho!)
apart from just now, i have acctually had a really good day!
i have done 3 hours practice, and had a really good lesson with Annabel. She even asked about the food stuff, which i thought we no longer talked about, and told me to let her know how things are going when i start day care. she acctually wanted to know what was going on with things, and didnt dismiss stuff like she has done latly, maybe she acctually realised that it is still an issue?! (she seemed surprised when i told her that even at a normal weight i was still purging)
its not that i need that from her, its just nice to be able to be open with her about it, as it often effects my ability to practice and confidence in performance/myself.
she was really pleased with what i played her, and we had a really productive mind bendy lesson! (o yes, i came out of there not being able to do a thing...sure sighn of an amazing lesson!) she said that musically im very good and she enjoyed listening to it, and it was only a few little technique things that needed the work... im acctually starting to feel capable!
(hahaha i cant beleive that thought even arrived in my head!)
i am so looking forwards t when i can eat without the thoughts, so then i can be productive all the time, who knows, i might acctually be clever!
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
have a date for daycare =-s
ok, so after calling them 4 times, i have a date...the 10th of may...
which gives me 13 days, well almost 12 i guess, of ed left.
eeeeeeeeeeeeek?!
im exhausted today, been out of the house since 8, and only got back at 10pm, very very tired!
managed about 3 hours practice *go me!*, tho i have teleman going round my head still!
also had folk, which knackerd me out, and pub after!
had my almst last counceling sesson, was meant to be my last but she gave me one for next week as i will still be here, which i am very grateful for, as im going slightly panicky at the moment!
think i have had about 600kcal today, didnt get too hungry but i certainly cant drink much whilst not eating/on anti depressents, its not that im getting drunk, just very very dizzy!
anyway, bed i think! x
which gives me 13 days, well almost 12 i guess, of ed left.
eeeeeeeeeeeeek?!
im exhausted today, been out of the house since 8, and only got back at 10pm, very very tired!
managed about 3 hours practice *go me!*, tho i have teleman going round my head still!
also had folk, which knackerd me out, and pub after!
had my almst last counceling sesson, was meant to be my last but she gave me one for next week as i will still be here, which i am very grateful for, as im going slightly panicky at the moment!
think i have had about 600kcal today, didnt get too hungry but i certainly cant drink much whilst not eating/on anti depressents, its not that im getting drunk, just very very dizzy!
anyway, bed i think! x
Monday, 26 April 2010
housemates are driving me mental!!!
ok, so i really can not wait to move out!
hettie is such a twat some times, and really has the knack of pissing me off by asking stupid inane questions and talking shit. she has no clue about how not to offend/annoy people and my god, she has worked her magic with me, every time i see her i have to ignore most of her talking else i end up just wanting to hit her!!! i am glad to say she has this effect on lots of people, and not just me, and she still has no clue...ignorance is bliss!
lexie is also starting to get to me, by acting like my mother. she is constantly bugging me about something, i am 21 and quite capable of doing things by myself...hell im older then her! i did not move away from home just to get this from someone else! (i am more then capable of cooking, very very well infact, yet she still finds the need to barge in and tell me im doing it wrong etc!).
whats really pissed me off is that hettie and lex decided to place a bet about weather i would do my chore this week (which i have been doing on time). i can take being the butt of a couple of jokes, but im getting fed up of them always always joking about it... i certainly clean the loo far more often then either of them!
and the hettie gets so bloody richouse over it all, and likes to rub things in my face, and i can not stand it...its like living with my sister when she is in a bad mood, and quite frankly i dont have to love hettie, so i dont feel at all guilty about being pissed off with her!!!
also spoke to the eating disorders services today as they havent been in touch...turns out i was meant to have an appointment with the dietician this afternoon, but never got a letter in the post so she said not to worry... but they still havent given me a date, were meant to let me know this afternoon but didnt call, and i called at half 4 to be told they had gone home... i wouldnt mind if it wasnt for the fact i need to know what im here for and not here for at college, group assesments etc... need to plan and getting stressed!
i am just in one big bad mood!!!
hettie is such a twat some times, and really has the knack of pissing me off by asking stupid inane questions and talking shit. she has no clue about how not to offend/annoy people and my god, she has worked her magic with me, every time i see her i have to ignore most of her talking else i end up just wanting to hit her!!! i am glad to say she has this effect on lots of people, and not just me, and she still has no clue...ignorance is bliss!
lexie is also starting to get to me, by acting like my mother. she is constantly bugging me about something, i am 21 and quite capable of doing things by myself...hell im older then her! i did not move away from home just to get this from someone else! (i am more then capable of cooking, very very well infact, yet she still finds the need to barge in and tell me im doing it wrong etc!).
whats really pissed me off is that hettie and lex decided to place a bet about weather i would do my chore this week (which i have been doing on time). i can take being the butt of a couple of jokes, but im getting fed up of them always always joking about it... i certainly clean the loo far more often then either of them!
and the hettie gets so bloody richouse over it all, and likes to rub things in my face, and i can not stand it...its like living with my sister when she is in a bad mood, and quite frankly i dont have to love hettie, so i dont feel at all guilty about being pissed off with her!!!
also spoke to the eating disorders services today as they havent been in touch...turns out i was meant to have an appointment with the dietician this afternoon, but never got a letter in the post so she said not to worry... but they still havent given me a date, were meant to let me know this afternoon but didnt call, and i called at half 4 to be told they had gone home... i wouldnt mind if it wasnt for the fact i need to know what im here for and not here for at college, group assesments etc... need to plan and getting stressed!
i am just in one big bad mood!!!
ok, so the feeling from throwing up is the same of that dizzyness after a cigerette (or half a one in my case!)... i wonder which is worse for you?!!!
my total of throwing up is twice, which isnt really that bad, but feeling all shakey and out of it tonight.
very very fed up of sitting down and thinking i can eat, and then finishing the food and freaking out n having to get rid of it. it really would be nice to just sit down and eat something. to be able to eat without compensating, to just eat.
i just want to have a day without feeling unbearably hungry but unable to do anything about it =-(
my total of throwing up is twice, which isnt really that bad, but feeling all shakey and out of it tonight.
very very fed up of sitting down and thinking i can eat, and then finishing the food and freaking out n having to get rid of it. it really would be nice to just sit down and eat something. to be able to eat without compensating, to just eat.
i just want to have a day without feeling unbearably hungry but unable to do anything about it =-(
Sunday, 25 April 2010
reason to recover...
ok, well here is why i need to recover...
i have just got back from college, having done a grand total of 45 min practice, binging and purging once and i am so exhausted i want to go back to sleep, even tho i wasnt up till 12... and this is pretty normal at the moment.
i am just exhausted 24/7, and most energy that i do have goes on not eating or throwing up. it is not a way to live! it only takes an hour of me being up for me to be wanting o go to sleep again, im hardly getting anything done, and quite frankly im missing the days when i had the energy to get up and socialise and work!
i have just got back from college, having done a grand total of 45 min practice, binging and purging once and i am so exhausted i want to go back to sleep, even tho i wasnt up till 12... and this is pretty normal at the moment.
i am just exhausted 24/7, and most energy that i do have goes on not eating or throwing up. it is not a way to live! it only takes an hour of me being up for me to be wanting o go to sleep again, im hardly getting anything done, and quite frankly im missing the days when i had the energy to get up and socialise and work!
pants is turning into my new favoirite word!
hello,
well today was a bit pants!
i have purged twice, binged once, and eaten far more then i wanted too...im starting to hate lewis for ruining ed's plans!
he makes it impossible not to eat, he orders and gets for me without asking, and when he made himself a milkshake earlier, again he just put it infront of me, without asking...and it was bannana, that and icecream together is a scary scary combination! thankfully he tends not to notice if i pour most of it into his glass!
the main reason for the 'binge' was to have enough inside to throw up the rest of dinner, it wasnt something i felt like doing, just is easier when there is more there. i just had to feel empty.
apart from food tho, today has been ok, felt very ill earlier (have a very painful jaw due to tensing it all the time without realising, which gave me a horrible headache), but after that finally went i saw some friends.
i feel just overwelmingly big at the moment, im scared of not loosing weight, as i really do need too...no, ed sais i do. gah, sometimes it is hard to seperate him from me!!!
well today was a bit pants!
i have purged twice, binged once, and eaten far more then i wanted too...im starting to hate lewis for ruining ed's plans!
he makes it impossible not to eat, he orders and gets for me without asking, and when he made himself a milkshake earlier, again he just put it infront of me, without asking...and it was bannana, that and icecream together is a scary scary combination! thankfully he tends not to notice if i pour most of it into his glass!
the main reason for the 'binge' was to have enough inside to throw up the rest of dinner, it wasnt something i felt like doing, just is easier when there is more there. i just had to feel empty.
apart from food tho, today has been ok, felt very ill earlier (have a very painful jaw due to tensing it all the time without realising, which gave me a horrible headache), but after that finally went i saw some friends.
i feel just overwelmingly big at the moment, im scared of not loosing weight, as i really do need too...no, ed sais i do. gah, sometimes it is hard to seperate him from me!!!
Saturday, 24 April 2010
ed is having a big argument with me tonight
gaaaaaah!
ok, so although i *still* dont have a date for daycare (even tho she said last week she would send me a letter with one in), ed is on top form at trying his hardest to convince me not to go.
afterall 'we have lost 1stone 5lb already, just think how much more you could loose if you didnt go, you could get far lower then last time, you could acctually get below 6 stone, just like you have always wanted to...' SHUT UP!!!!
he is very very jealouse that we have 'just figured out how to loose weight again', and im about to spoil it by going into day care and getting fat. i am ruining all the plans, and he is angry and up for a fight.
im fnding it difficult to disagree with him, it is so plain to see that i could still do with loosing another half a stone at least, honest to god, i see a lot of podgy bits when i look in the mirror, even tho i know that im seeing it wrong. i can see where i need to loose it, and think i would really look a lot better if i did, but then i know everyone else would be thinking im nuts by saying this!
i like that i am starting to see my ribs again, i know it sounds mental and sick, and it is too some extent, and that i would ever say this too anyone face to face, but i find it comforting. i find it comforting that i hurt when i sit and lie down (not that i am really that skinny, i dont know why i am hurting!) because it means i cant be as fat as i was. i get a numb bum from sitting on my bed for 10 min! i find it comforting that i my hips hurt when i lie on my side, and that i can feel my knees digging into me, because it all means that i must have gotten a little lighter... but not light enough.
im awear i sound nuts, and im even more awear that this is all one big good reason to take the offer of daycare, but i am still wanting to shut out the logical side and carry on.
i think some of it is just wanting to have compleate control of my body. i want to do what i like to it, on my own terms. i want to show it, and maybe even others, who is boss. that i am in control and that i am strong. im getting so fed up of people interfearing, its my body and i should be able to do what i like to it... of course that is ed's version of it anyway.
charlotte wants... she isnt sure! im not sure what i really want to do with my body, iv never really thought about it without ed's voice. i guess i would like to feel at peace with it, to not be fighting it constantly, and to feel comfortable with other people likeing it too (which i cant do at the moment) i guess charlotte just wants her head to be quiet and still, to have a bit of calm!
im very mixed up about lewis. we have made up, and he was nicer yesterday, but one of my friends said i let him say some not very nice things too me, which he shouldnt be saying, and im ashamed to say its true, im a bit of a push over really, i forgive him easily and say it will be better next time... but it will only be better if he acctually accepts me as me, and doesnt keep hating me for it, and unfortunatly at the moment, it is me with ed for a little bit.
he likes to tell me that i make him angry and that things are my fault, and i try and change it, but im painfully awear that it is a relationship that will never last, and is very similar to that of me and my gran... how do i communicate properly too him?! i know he doesnt mean it, but basically he needs to not blame me for his feelings, and he needs to accept things as they are and work out a way to move forwards from there, not just expect things to be perfect.
im frustrated at my self for not having the guts to just tell him... im too scared, and im too scared to end it with him because some stupid part of me really does love him...it would all be good if it wasnt for that one thing!
i was about to say that i missed the times when life was more simple, only to be honest i dont remember those times, as my life that i do remember has always been a powergame of one sort or another, and usually me on the crapper side!
grrrrrrrrr feeling like pants!
ok, so although i *still* dont have a date for daycare (even tho she said last week she would send me a letter with one in), ed is on top form at trying his hardest to convince me not to go.
afterall 'we have lost 1stone 5lb already, just think how much more you could loose if you didnt go, you could get far lower then last time, you could acctually get below 6 stone, just like you have always wanted to...' SHUT UP!!!!
he is very very jealouse that we have 'just figured out how to loose weight again', and im about to spoil it by going into day care and getting fat. i am ruining all the plans, and he is angry and up for a fight.
im fnding it difficult to disagree with him, it is so plain to see that i could still do with loosing another half a stone at least, honest to god, i see a lot of podgy bits when i look in the mirror, even tho i know that im seeing it wrong. i can see where i need to loose it, and think i would really look a lot better if i did, but then i know everyone else would be thinking im nuts by saying this!
i like that i am starting to see my ribs again, i know it sounds mental and sick, and it is too some extent, and that i would ever say this too anyone face to face, but i find it comforting. i find it comforting that i hurt when i sit and lie down (not that i am really that skinny, i dont know why i am hurting!) because it means i cant be as fat as i was. i get a numb bum from sitting on my bed for 10 min! i find it comforting that i my hips hurt when i lie on my side, and that i can feel my knees digging into me, because it all means that i must have gotten a little lighter... but not light enough.
im awear i sound nuts, and im even more awear that this is all one big good reason to take the offer of daycare, but i am still wanting to shut out the logical side and carry on.
i think some of it is just wanting to have compleate control of my body. i want to do what i like to it, on my own terms. i want to show it, and maybe even others, who is boss. that i am in control and that i am strong. im getting so fed up of people interfearing, its my body and i should be able to do what i like to it... of course that is ed's version of it anyway.
charlotte wants... she isnt sure! im not sure what i really want to do with my body, iv never really thought about it without ed's voice. i guess i would like to feel at peace with it, to not be fighting it constantly, and to feel comfortable with other people likeing it too (which i cant do at the moment) i guess charlotte just wants her head to be quiet and still, to have a bit of calm!
im very mixed up about lewis. we have made up, and he was nicer yesterday, but one of my friends said i let him say some not very nice things too me, which he shouldnt be saying, and im ashamed to say its true, im a bit of a push over really, i forgive him easily and say it will be better next time... but it will only be better if he acctually accepts me as me, and doesnt keep hating me for it, and unfortunatly at the moment, it is me with ed for a little bit.
he likes to tell me that i make him angry and that things are my fault, and i try and change it, but im painfully awear that it is a relationship that will never last, and is very similar to that of me and my gran... how do i communicate properly too him?! i know he doesnt mean it, but basically he needs to not blame me for his feelings, and he needs to accept things as they are and work out a way to move forwards from there, not just expect things to be perfect.
im frustrated at my self for not having the guts to just tell him... im too scared, and im too scared to end it with him because some stupid part of me really does love him...it would all be good if it wasnt for that one thing!
i was about to say that i missed the times when life was more simple, only to be honest i dont remember those times, as my life that i do remember has always been a powergame of one sort or another, and usually me on the crapper side!
grrrrrrrrr feeling like pants!
Thursday, 22 April 2010
Interupting life
Ok, well Ed has royaly messed things up.
Saw lewis today, and things are not great. I have been trying not to talk about this stuff with him as he is really busy, but it all came out when we had an argment about it. He said I'm crazy, and can't deal with being with someone who wants to look like a victim from aushwitz... I can't explain it to him, and he doesn't want to know. He said it's like I'm talking another language, an emotional one he doesn't understand and doesn't want too...
Can't blame him. I'm not used to having to think about what I'm doing too my own body having an effect on someone else. I can't just starve or cut without consequences now, and I'm finding it hard to adjust too.
I feel like I need him to be able to talk about stuff with me, but I know it's asking too much, and I feel so so bad for fucking things up for him. I don't know how long he will stay with me for, I'm not what he wants, even tho I have tried, and I don't want too keep upsetting him, he doesn't need that.
Sometimes I really hate what a selfish cow I have become, and I wish there was a way to change that.
Saw lewis today, and things are not great. I have been trying not to talk about this stuff with him as he is really busy, but it all came out when we had an argment about it. He said I'm crazy, and can't deal with being with someone who wants to look like a victim from aushwitz... I can't explain it to him, and he doesn't want to know. He said it's like I'm talking another language, an emotional one he doesn't understand and doesn't want too...
Can't blame him. I'm not used to having to think about what I'm doing too my own body having an effect on someone else. I can't just starve or cut without consequences now, and I'm finding it hard to adjust too.
I feel like I need him to be able to talk about stuff with me, but I know it's asking too much, and I feel so so bad for fucking things up for him. I don't know how long he will stay with me for, I'm not what he wants, even tho I have tried, and I don't want too keep upsetting him, he doesn't need that.
Sometimes I really hate what a selfish cow I have become, and I wish there was a way to change that.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
addictions are selfish things.
hello,
well i have just spoken to my friend gabi.
we used to be very close, and she ended up in treatment in south africa, and then relapsing back here and going back again.
during her relapse i was nto about. i was struggling a lot myself with depression, to the point where mum had to come and collect me from uni etc, so we fell out of touch.
she is back in england and we had a chat just now, in which she quite rightfully was a tad pissed off at me for not being there for her...
ed and depression really have made me very very selfish at times. im awear i can not support everyone, but i should have been there for her to chat too, or at least had the guts to tell her i couldnt talk about it, rather then just shutting her out.
i guess its in the past, and we learn from our mistakes. i hope i can learn to comunicate better with people in general, and be more supportive of friends even when im struggling...saying that im usually over supportive. i dont know, i feel bad, i have done a lot of damage in the past which i wont be able to repaire, but its just how it was. i must learn to not make the future like that.
also had a session with my counceler, we are finishing next week, as she doesnt want to carry on with me once im in day care. im scared of not having that support, as i can acctually say things i would never dream of saying to others, but i am also awear that i will have some support. i hope to god i can get through this and make it out the other side. i have to, i need to live.
well i have just spoken to my friend gabi.
we used to be very close, and she ended up in treatment in south africa, and then relapsing back here and going back again.
during her relapse i was nto about. i was struggling a lot myself with depression, to the point where mum had to come and collect me from uni etc, so we fell out of touch.
she is back in england and we had a chat just now, in which she quite rightfully was a tad pissed off at me for not being there for her...
ed and depression really have made me very very selfish at times. im awear i can not support everyone, but i should have been there for her to chat too, or at least had the guts to tell her i couldnt talk about it, rather then just shutting her out.
i guess its in the past, and we learn from our mistakes. i hope i can learn to comunicate better with people in general, and be more supportive of friends even when im struggling...saying that im usually over supportive. i dont know, i feel bad, i have done a lot of damage in the past which i wont be able to repaire, but its just how it was. i must learn to not make the future like that.
also had a session with my counceler, we are finishing next week, as she doesnt want to carry on with me once im in day care. im scared of not having that support, as i can acctually say things i would never dream of saying to others, but i am also awear that i will have some support. i hope to god i can get through this and make it out the other side. i have to, i need to live.
i want sleep!!!
o dear me,
well, apart from everything else, ed likes to run off with your ability to sleep!
i estimate about 2 hours sleep total last night, and im not quite sure how im going to get through the day, im already feeling crappy with a headache and feeling sick...may have to knock my self out with nytol tonight just to feel better!!!
i have a lesson and a councelling appointment today, and i was meant to play in performance clss too, but he changed the time and i wont get back in time for it, pluss to be honest its been a 3 week break from councelling and i have a feeling il be a little bit of a mess after this session... all fun and games!
well, apart from everything else, ed likes to run off with your ability to sleep!
i estimate about 2 hours sleep total last night, and im not quite sure how im going to get through the day, im already feeling crappy with a headache and feeling sick...may have to knock my self out with nytol tonight just to feel better!!!
i have a lesson and a councelling appointment today, and i was meant to play in performance clss too, but he changed the time and i wont get back in time for it, pluss to be honest its been a 3 week break from councelling and i have a feeling il be a little bit of a mess after this session... all fun and games!
Monday, 19 April 2010
another day
hmmm, lost the plot again,
why o why am i feeling sooooo desperate to loose weight?!!!
on the cheery side, i got my belly button peirced today...not to show anyone obviously, as i hate the size of my stomach, but i like peircings, and its better then cutting! tho i have to say i was anoid it didnt hurt more (yes i know that sounds nuts), as i was hoping it would be enough of a release...maybe il just have to get another one ;-)
i am just feeling absolutly desperate to loose weight, i want to go without eating as easily as i used to, but i get too shaky now, and i think i acctually get hungry, i feel weak, even tho i know that by not eating im being weaker - its that bit that needs controlling, not me that needs controlling by it.
iv spent all day debating with myself...diet pills, no diet pills, diuretics, no diuretics, excercise, no excercise, pedomiter, no pedomiter, purge, dont purge... it is a rather constant conversation.
i wake up and i have rules on what i can and cant eat. sometimes i stick to them, some times i dont and have to compensate, but either way it is never joyful. the numbers on the scale are never low enough, no matter what they are, it will never be good enough. i have a feeling even if i got to 0 id still be trying to get further!
in a way im hoping that my new peircing will stop me throwing up as much, as it kinda hurts to bend over!
i just wonder if i will ever be happy with my self, or if i will always be fighting this every single day im alive.
will you just shut up? get out of my head and leave me the fuck alone.
i want my own space.
i want to think for myself,
thats right, without you here.
every single day you are there to knock me down. you gloat at my uselessness, and shout because i am not up to standered. im not the preciouse girl you think i should be, that perfect pretty clever talented angel.
you make out that you think i should never put a foot wrong, yet not once have i ever put one right for you...its an impossible task, and you and i both know i will never ever get it right, yet we carry on over the same path, hoping that by some freak mutation i will suddenly become able to please you.
you lied to me. you told me you loved me, but all you have done is destroy me and then sat and blamed me for being broken.
funny how both ed and my gran have such a similar voice.
why o why am i feeling sooooo desperate to loose weight?!!!
on the cheery side, i got my belly button peirced today...not to show anyone obviously, as i hate the size of my stomach, but i like peircings, and its better then cutting! tho i have to say i was anoid it didnt hurt more (yes i know that sounds nuts), as i was hoping it would be enough of a release...maybe il just have to get another one ;-)
i am just feeling absolutly desperate to loose weight, i want to go without eating as easily as i used to, but i get too shaky now, and i think i acctually get hungry, i feel weak, even tho i know that by not eating im being weaker - its that bit that needs controlling, not me that needs controlling by it.
iv spent all day debating with myself...diet pills, no diet pills, diuretics, no diuretics, excercise, no excercise, pedomiter, no pedomiter, purge, dont purge... it is a rather constant conversation.
i wake up and i have rules on what i can and cant eat. sometimes i stick to them, some times i dont and have to compensate, but either way it is never joyful. the numbers on the scale are never low enough, no matter what they are, it will never be good enough. i have a feeling even if i got to 0 id still be trying to get further!
in a way im hoping that my new peircing will stop me throwing up as much, as it kinda hurts to bend over!
i just wonder if i will ever be happy with my self, or if i will always be fighting this every single day im alive.
will you just shut up? get out of my head and leave me the fuck alone.
i want my own space.
i want to think for myself,
thats right, without you here.
every single day you are there to knock me down. you gloat at my uselessness, and shout because i am not up to standered. im not the preciouse girl you think i should be, that perfect pretty clever talented angel.
you make out that you think i should never put a foot wrong, yet not once have i ever put one right for you...its an impossible task, and you and i both know i will never ever get it right, yet we carry on over the same path, hoping that by some freak mutation i will suddenly become able to please you.
you lied to me. you told me you loved me, but all you have done is destroy me and then sat and blamed me for being broken.
funny how both ed and my gran have such a similar voice.
well, today has been ok, tho im finding it really hard not to eat and throw up tonight, because i am increadibly hungry, but eaten waaaay over what i wanted to today, that will teach me to eat breakfast...makes me hungry for the rest of the day!
im just feeling a little panicky about being so hungry, not used to it.
tomorrow, i need to cut down.
debating weather to fake a sicky and not bother with college tomorrow, i mean im not going to be there for most of this term, and my god are the lectures boring/useless... improvising and devising is pointless as im not going to be there for the group assesment, musicianship i can already do better then the teacher, and history will just be listening to other people doing presentations...zzzzz!
god im getting lazy, really should be doing more, but im feeling very unfussed about it all, i have about 2 weeks of freedom and then into day care anyway, so why fuss over college?
maybe im just scared and prefer my bed and sleep, feels much much safer then being in the outside world, if im asleep i dont have to think, which means im not worried...
feeling very very fat...ie most probably a bit pants.
im just feeling a little panicky about being so hungry, not used to it.
tomorrow, i need to cut down.
debating weather to fake a sicky and not bother with college tomorrow, i mean im not going to be there for most of this term, and my god are the lectures boring/useless... improvising and devising is pointless as im not going to be there for the group assesment, musicianship i can already do better then the teacher, and history will just be listening to other people doing presentations...zzzzz!
god im getting lazy, really should be doing more, but im feeling very unfussed about it all, i have about 2 weeks of freedom and then into day care anyway, so why fuss over college?
maybe im just scared and prefer my bed and sleep, feels much much safer then being in the outside world, if im asleep i dont have to think, which means im not worried...
feeling very very fat...ie most probably a bit pants.
Sunday, 18 April 2010
charlotte 1- ed 0
hello!
good day...yes thats right, GOOD DAY TODAY!!!
i have gone an entire day without purging! i know it doesnt sound like a lot, but right now, it is an amazing acheivment, and i am very pleased to say that charlotte is feeling a lot better then i have been latly!
i think part of it is that the ed place rang yesterday, and i wont be going in till the begining of may now, and they are sending me a start date, so it feels a bit less scary because its more in control.
i am also desperate to practice, so i have had to eat without purging before i do any (other wise it is pointless), so ye, although tough, i have eaten today too, id say a fair few calories as well!
im glad today was better, it is a good reminder that it is possible, i think latly it feels like ed has just sucked all the life from me, and i think iv been a little more depressed as well (sleeping an awful lot), so getting out into the sunshine and making the effort to get out of the house has done me good. it is all to easy to shut the door and stay in alone and mope about stuff!
i have my councelling appointment on tuesday, and im quite glad its here, i havent seen her for 3 weeks, and have needed it, so hopefully that will help me feel a bit better too, its good to be able to just be honest about how things feel, and have someone who wont push me with anything, she will just listen and help me sort it all out in my head!
i am going to try very hard to make tomorrow a good day aswell, tho i must admit im scared of the scales. have rehearsals 2-5 anyway, so will have to eat something before hand, and it will make sure im out of the house...hopefully we will go to the pub after too, whch will be nice, the less time to my self the better!
right, to sleep i think! xxxxx
good day...yes thats right, GOOD DAY TODAY!!!
i have gone an entire day without purging! i know it doesnt sound like a lot, but right now, it is an amazing acheivment, and i am very pleased to say that charlotte is feeling a lot better then i have been latly!
i think part of it is that the ed place rang yesterday, and i wont be going in till the begining of may now, and they are sending me a start date, so it feels a bit less scary because its more in control.
i am also desperate to practice, so i have had to eat without purging before i do any (other wise it is pointless), so ye, although tough, i have eaten today too, id say a fair few calories as well!
im glad today was better, it is a good reminder that it is possible, i think latly it feels like ed has just sucked all the life from me, and i think iv been a little more depressed as well (sleeping an awful lot), so getting out into the sunshine and making the effort to get out of the house has done me good. it is all to easy to shut the door and stay in alone and mope about stuff!
i have my councelling appointment on tuesday, and im quite glad its here, i havent seen her for 3 weeks, and have needed it, so hopefully that will help me feel a bit better too, its good to be able to just be honest about how things feel, and have someone who wont push me with anything, she will just listen and help me sort it all out in my head!
i am going to try very hard to make tomorrow a good day aswell, tho i must admit im scared of the scales. have rehearsals 2-5 anyway, so will have to eat something before hand, and it will make sure im out of the house...hopefully we will go to the pub after too, whch will be nice, the less time to my self the better!
right, to sleep i think! xxxxx
Thursday, 15 April 2010
helloooo blog blog blog!!!
oooo looked over at horris's cage just now and thought i saw a dead horris, thankfully it is obnly a toilet role tube!!!
well, i was feeling very miserable earlier, but having come back home and thrown up rather then cut (i have had a very big urge to do that latly, but obviously with a boyfriend it is impossible to hide it, so i a very glad that i so far have been good!) and calmed down am feeling a lot better!
also, somehow managed to give myself a blister on my middle finger from purging, so having popped it, im hoping it will maybe stop me doing that untill it forms a scab?! (fingers crossed). how i did it i dont know, probably just from my teeth, but not something i have ever done before!
i acctually am going to have a bath with candles, a bath bomb from lush and a book in a bit (once the water has heated up enough), as it will stop me being around food, and will be a lot nicer!
i felt really rough earlier from not eating enough so didnt get much practice done, maybe if i eat some readybreak before going in to college tomorrow i may acctually manage some practice, if like to, because im not even managing the harp!
in theory doing bad practice is way worse then not practicing at all, because you form bad habbits easily, so thats one reason to eat properly, I WANT TO PRACTICE!!!...and become a super dooper recorder player, and then stufy something else, because that wont reaallllly get me a job!
also, another reason to get better, is that although i will be spendng more on a weekly shop, i will probably save a fortune on the amount i spend on spontaniouse binges/food to stop me fainting, i mean today on food iv thrown up and diet coke (which i tend to drink to fill me up when im not eating), id say i have easily spent £20...and that is just one day, which would explain where a lot of my student loan and money from working has gone! im acctually for better then i used to be as for as binging/purging goes, it used to be 7 times a day for a while, i dread to think how much i was spending...should have fone to pound land ;-)
no, im pretty ready to get better now,i want to beat this, and i want to do well at college and have a life, i want to be charlotte :-)
oooo looked over at horris's cage just now and thought i saw a dead horris, thankfully it is obnly a toilet role tube!!!
well, i was feeling very miserable earlier, but having come back home and thrown up rather then cut (i have had a very big urge to do that latly, but obviously with a boyfriend it is impossible to hide it, so i a very glad that i so far have been good!) and calmed down am feeling a lot better!
also, somehow managed to give myself a blister on my middle finger from purging, so having popped it, im hoping it will maybe stop me doing that untill it forms a scab?! (fingers crossed). how i did it i dont know, probably just from my teeth, but not something i have ever done before!
i acctually am going to have a bath with candles, a bath bomb from lush and a book in a bit (once the water has heated up enough), as it will stop me being around food, and will be a lot nicer!
i felt really rough earlier from not eating enough so didnt get much practice done, maybe if i eat some readybreak before going in to college tomorrow i may acctually manage some practice, if like to, because im not even managing the harp!
in theory doing bad practice is way worse then not practicing at all, because you form bad habbits easily, so thats one reason to eat properly, I WANT TO PRACTICE!!!...and become a super dooper recorder player, and then stufy something else, because that wont reaallllly get me a job!
also, another reason to get better, is that although i will be spendng more on a weekly shop, i will probably save a fortune on the amount i spend on spontaniouse binges/food to stop me fainting, i mean today on food iv thrown up and diet coke (which i tend to drink to fill me up when im not eating), id say i have easily spent £20...and that is just one day, which would explain where a lot of my student loan and money from working has gone! im acctually for better then i used to be as for as binging/purging goes, it used to be 7 times a day for a while, i dread to think how much i was spending...should have fone to pound land ;-)
no, im pretty ready to get better now,i want to beat this, and i want to do well at college and have a life, i want to be charlotte :-)
pants pants pants pants pants
there is a very large purple elephant who follows me around.
i try not to acknowledge him, wont let him make a sound.
together we take up too much space when going through the day
not often will he stay outside, he likes things his own way.
usually we manage and i cover him up well
we have a little deal, so i dont have to tell.
infront of people he lets me smile and chat and laugh and joke
its only in the darkness that i cry untill i choke.
the times alone are hardest, when im sitting late at night
its times like this the elephant enjoys a good old fight.
the darkness seems to much sometimes, just like a black hole.
and i cant work out what to do, theres no way to console.
i hope one day the elephant will find a place to stay,
then he can have a home and i, a sunny day.
there would be no more tears at night time and no smile glued on too tight
and i could be myself again without a constant fight.
feeling a bit pants tonight =-(
(i hate to think what id be like without the distraction of my bed and lots and lots of house...!)
must also remember to clear up, my room has turned into a bomb sight latly, seems to happen when i cant be bothered with anything...my draws are almost empty, but i have about 5 washing loads that need doing, and they are all in a rather large pile on my floor...not helped of course by the fact i can only dry one load over the course of about 5 days...makes me even less interested in the idea!
still, on the pluss side, iv only been crying and not purging, which im sure must only be a good thing?!
i try not to acknowledge him, wont let him make a sound.
together we take up too much space when going through the day
not often will he stay outside, he likes things his own way.
usually we manage and i cover him up well
we have a little deal, so i dont have to tell.
infront of people he lets me smile and chat and laugh and joke
its only in the darkness that i cry untill i choke.
the times alone are hardest, when im sitting late at night
its times like this the elephant enjoys a good old fight.
the darkness seems to much sometimes, just like a black hole.
and i cant work out what to do, theres no way to console.
i hope one day the elephant will find a place to stay,
then he can have a home and i, a sunny day.
there would be no more tears at night time and no smile glued on too tight
and i could be myself again without a constant fight.
feeling a bit pants tonight =-(
(i hate to think what id be like without the distraction of my bed and lots and lots of house...!)
must also remember to clear up, my room has turned into a bomb sight latly, seems to happen when i cant be bothered with anything...my draws are almost empty, but i have about 5 washing loads that need doing, and they are all in a rather large pile on my floor...not helped of course by the fact i can only dry one load over the course of about 5 days...makes me even less interested in the idea!
still, on the pluss side, iv only been crying and not purging, which im sure must only be a good thing?!
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
loooonnnnng day
i am very very tired today.
i went into college for early music, which was cancelled because the visiting lecturar didnt show =-( shame because it was on early renaisance harp which would have been fascinating!
i have done a bit of practice, but dont really have a brain on me, which kinda hinders my progress... throwing up 3 times probably did that, iv been feeling all shakey, so ye, college was useless.
on the up side there is a possibility of playing the brandenburg 4th concerto in france in september, exciting! (and also we are doing it in the uk too, it is a beautiful peice, and im looking forwards to it a lot!)
i have managed to have stir fry for dinner, and so far it is still there, although i am feeling very very sick...i think distractions with House may be in order, nothing like a bit of a medical drama to stop me thinking!!!
after that im thinking of knocking myself out with nytol and sleeping to stop any other stupid behaviour that would normally occur after a day as unproductive as this!
i went into college for early music, which was cancelled because the visiting lecturar didnt show =-( shame because it was on early renaisance harp which would have been fascinating!
i have done a bit of practice, but dont really have a brain on me, which kinda hinders my progress... throwing up 3 times probably did that, iv been feeling all shakey, so ye, college was useless.
on the up side there is a possibility of playing the brandenburg 4th concerto in france in september, exciting! (and also we are doing it in the uk too, it is a beautiful peice, and im looking forwards to it a lot!)
i have managed to have stir fry for dinner, and so far it is still there, although i am feeling very very sick...i think distractions with House may be in order, nothing like a bit of a medical drama to stop me thinking!!!
after that im thinking of knocking myself out with nytol and sleeping to stop any other stupid behaviour that would normally occur after a day as unproductive as this!
this is where it gets you...
well, i stepped on my scales this morning to see my 'goal weight' popping up at me, i am officially 7 stone... which is great, however ed isnt convinced its enough... which i guess is why he is ed after all.
so to him, 6 stone 10 sounds lovely... which after all is only 4lb and 'wont make a difference', but i know that even if i did that it would go lower, i know that he already likes the sound of 6 stone 7, but likes to aim for things in smaller amounts and add it up after.
in a way i wanted to be convinced that i really would stop after loosing this weight, i mean around xmas i was 8stone 5, and now im 7 stone, almost a stone of that lost since the end of feb, that really should be enough to let myself stop and eat normally again, but i just cant. i dont know why i cant, but i just have to keep doing this.
the part of me that doesnt want ed's voice anymore hopes day care comes up sooner rather then later, but that is quite a small part compared to the bit that feels she should proove she has an ed before she starts there... which isnt logical at all!
so to him, 6 stone 10 sounds lovely... which after all is only 4lb and 'wont make a difference', but i know that even if i did that it would go lower, i know that he already likes the sound of 6 stone 7, but likes to aim for things in smaller amounts and add it up after.
in a way i wanted to be convinced that i really would stop after loosing this weight, i mean around xmas i was 8stone 5, and now im 7 stone, almost a stone of that lost since the end of feb, that really should be enough to let myself stop and eat normally again, but i just cant. i dont know why i cant, but i just have to keep doing this.
the part of me that doesnt want ed's voice anymore hopes day care comes up sooner rather then later, but that is quite a small part compared to the bit that feels she should proove she has an ed before she starts there... which isnt logical at all!
gaaaah! what a day!
well hello lovely blog,
goodness what a day =-s
well so far i have burst into tears twice infront of poor Katherine, very sweet she is, but i dont half feel bad for it, once in the pub, and then she knocked when i was getting rid of dinner... i flushed the loo and let her in (as she knew), and then just sank too the floor...stupid lottie.
im just feeling bit crappy, i just want to eat you know? to eat without throwing up or excercising, i cant even imagine it, is it possible?!
on the up side i now have all series 1-5 of house, so that aught to cheer me up right?!!!
goodness what a day =-s
well so far i have burst into tears twice infront of poor Katherine, very sweet she is, but i dont half feel bad for it, once in the pub, and then she knocked when i was getting rid of dinner... i flushed the loo and let her in (as she knew), and then just sank too the floor...stupid lottie.
im just feeling bit crappy, i just want to eat you know? to eat without throwing up or excercising, i cant even imagine it, is it possible?!
on the up side i now have all series 1-5 of house, so that aught to cheer me up right?!!!
Monday, 12 April 2010
the bigger picture
ok, well i just had a conversation with a friend bekky...
she is my age (21), is estranged from her mum and her dad is in america,
has 2 kids of her own (one with downsyndrome and the other a baby), and has taken on her husbands baby as well. They have moved to christchurch, which is a LONG way away from friend and family, and she also struggles with an eating disorder... needless to say she is not coping very well.
it is a silly situation, i did wonder when they moved weather it was a good idea to go so far, but they needed a bigger house so that social services would let them keep summer, and it was cheaper down there. however she needs to have some support, she is finding food hard, and social services are always around, and there is only so much anyone can do. iv offered to pop down, but it will cost me £50 which i cant really afford to do, and i know if i do it this week which is fine, i wont be able to do it again till, well till i find some money!
i dont mind going and baby sitting, going to the doctors with her, finding some parent and toddler groups she can go to, doing food shopping and preparing meals etc and of course being a shoulder to cry on, but i just wish there was more i could do. if she lived nearer it would be fine, id be able to help her out more, but as it stands i can do very little and am watching her destroy herself.
she obviously doesnt want to get better from her ed, which i can understand...its a way og coping after all, but if she carries on with no support she will no longer be able carry on.
seeing her makes me feel very greatful indeed for everything i have been offered latly.
she is my age (21), is estranged from her mum and her dad is in america,
has 2 kids of her own (one with downsyndrome and the other a baby), and has taken on her husbands baby as well. They have moved to christchurch, which is a LONG way away from friend and family, and she also struggles with an eating disorder... needless to say she is not coping very well.
it is a silly situation, i did wonder when they moved weather it was a good idea to go so far, but they needed a bigger house so that social services would let them keep summer, and it was cheaper down there. however she needs to have some support, she is finding food hard, and social services are always around, and there is only so much anyone can do. iv offered to pop down, but it will cost me £50 which i cant really afford to do, and i know if i do it this week which is fine, i wont be able to do it again till, well till i find some money!
i dont mind going and baby sitting, going to the doctors with her, finding some parent and toddler groups she can go to, doing food shopping and preparing meals etc and of course being a shoulder to cry on, but i just wish there was more i could do. if she lived nearer it would be fine, id be able to help her out more, but as it stands i can do very little and am watching her destroy herself.
she obviously doesnt want to get better from her ed, which i can understand...its a way og coping after all, but if she carries on with no support she will no longer be able carry on.
seeing her makes me feel very greatful indeed for everything i have been offered latly.
Sunday, 11 April 2010
wondering why ed's voice is so damn loud
o deary me,
well, tonight was great, apart from the shere amount of food i have consumed =-(
i would estimate today i have had over 1000, which is far to much for me, it really is disgusting.
so, i bowed down to ed and started walking up and down the stairs, got to 20 times and realised it was mental and let myself stop... only its feeling difficult not to jump up and do another 80...i used to do that a lot, bad habbit...helps when i am not living in a place with stairs!!!
so, as part of the comprimise, ed decides its a good idea to look at diet pills, he thinks its about time i started loosing weight faster, and that it would be wise to try whatever might work...again an hour later i am slowly getting charlotte back into places and realising that its a crazy idea...ed knows most dont work, so he wants to get ones with things like ephedrine or other 'proven' and usually over the prescription ones...charlotte doesnt do drugs, in any form apart from caffine and the odd drink, so why o why would charlotte start now for ed?!
sad thing is, charlotte isnt thinking that it would be bad to have a heart attack... more just couldnt deal with not dying and then having to explain herself! o well, i guess whatever works.
the other part of the deal with ed, is that i would look for a cheap form of excercise... reason being that charlotte knows the gym is being a waste of money and time, so if she got something at home she could use it at night when she wasnt needing to practice... i have looked on eybay and there is a cheap power plate going, i know it will probably be silly, but i dont have time to be obsessive with excercise, so it probably wont do much harm, its likley to just gather dust, but part of me is feeling very very desperate and its better/less harmful then diet pills.
was difficult seeing 3 of my close friends from home today, sam came over first, who has known about things for ages, and noticed straight away...made things a bit awkward, i did eat in front of her, but unfortunatly she knows me well enough to know that that is pretty meaningless.
ewan and katrina were ok, but i told them about day care, and they were lovely about it, and acctually very understanding (arent you scared?...finally someone normal gets it!), but it made me feel bad because they both went a bit quiet having said 'but i thought you were better now'.
i know i cant live caring about other people all the time, but i just feel a bit of a failier (ok, not a bit, a LOT). this is just another thing i dissapoint people with, and i hate seeing people sad, im much happier when they are happy, only the thing that will make them happy now is the thing im most scared of.
there is a bridge that has no end.
the begining is simple, you can see all the nails
where people have put them each time that she fails.
planks heavy and fresh like the pain held inside,
just planks and just nails, theres no where to hide.
a few years on, the path seems to have grown
the wood looks much older as it creaks and it moans,
weeds have crept up where her thoughts have mixed in
and it seems a long time since she first thought she's sinned.
there are holes and some steps built along the way
each one is connected to a long gone day
she knows they are their as lessons she's learnt
but often she wishes that some of them wernt.
today she is standing with the bridge on one side
unsure of weather to run or to hide
for if she steps forwards out into the world
she must beleive that the bridge will uncurle.
that it will be built with each step she takes
and that it will not crumble if she makes mistakes.
this leap of faith will not stop right here
because i refuse to live life with this fear.
(ha, got to love a bit of spotaniouse poetry...and my lovely lovely spellings!)
anyway, its gone 2am and thankfully i am now distracted enough to stop myself buying diet pills...bed time me thinks! x
well, tonight was great, apart from the shere amount of food i have consumed =-(
i would estimate today i have had over 1000, which is far to much for me, it really is disgusting.
so, i bowed down to ed and started walking up and down the stairs, got to 20 times and realised it was mental and let myself stop... only its feeling difficult not to jump up and do another 80...i used to do that a lot, bad habbit...helps when i am not living in a place with stairs!!!
so, as part of the comprimise, ed decides its a good idea to look at diet pills, he thinks its about time i started loosing weight faster, and that it would be wise to try whatever might work...again an hour later i am slowly getting charlotte back into places and realising that its a crazy idea...ed knows most dont work, so he wants to get ones with things like ephedrine or other 'proven' and usually over the prescription ones...charlotte doesnt do drugs, in any form apart from caffine and the odd drink, so why o why would charlotte start now for ed?!
sad thing is, charlotte isnt thinking that it would be bad to have a heart attack... more just couldnt deal with not dying and then having to explain herself! o well, i guess whatever works.
the other part of the deal with ed, is that i would look for a cheap form of excercise... reason being that charlotte knows the gym is being a waste of money and time, so if she got something at home she could use it at night when she wasnt needing to practice... i have looked on eybay and there is a cheap power plate going, i know it will probably be silly, but i dont have time to be obsessive with excercise, so it probably wont do much harm, its likley to just gather dust, but part of me is feeling very very desperate and its better/less harmful then diet pills.
was difficult seeing 3 of my close friends from home today, sam came over first, who has known about things for ages, and noticed straight away...made things a bit awkward, i did eat in front of her, but unfortunatly she knows me well enough to know that that is pretty meaningless.
ewan and katrina were ok, but i told them about day care, and they were lovely about it, and acctually very understanding (arent you scared?...finally someone normal gets it!), but it made me feel bad because they both went a bit quiet having said 'but i thought you were better now'.
i know i cant live caring about other people all the time, but i just feel a bit of a failier (ok, not a bit, a LOT). this is just another thing i dissapoint people with, and i hate seeing people sad, im much happier when they are happy, only the thing that will make them happy now is the thing im most scared of.
there is a bridge that has no end.
the begining is simple, you can see all the nails
where people have put them each time that she fails.
planks heavy and fresh like the pain held inside,
just planks and just nails, theres no where to hide.
a few years on, the path seems to have grown
the wood looks much older as it creaks and it moans,
weeds have crept up where her thoughts have mixed in
and it seems a long time since she first thought she's sinned.
there are holes and some steps built along the way
each one is connected to a long gone day
she knows they are their as lessons she's learnt
but often she wishes that some of them wernt.
today she is standing with the bridge on one side
unsure of weather to run or to hide
for if she steps forwards out into the world
she must beleive that the bridge will uncurle.
that it will be built with each step she takes
and that it will not crumble if she makes mistakes.
this leap of faith will not stop right here
because i refuse to live life with this fear.
(ha, got to love a bit of spotaniouse poetry...and my lovely lovely spellings!)
anyway, its gone 2am and thankfully i am now distracted enough to stop myself buying diet pills...bed time me thinks! x
Friday, 9 April 2010
looking back on things...
well, i was bored and had a look threw some draws in my room at home...i havent looked at this stuff since leaving home, and its weird!
many many notebooks full of numbers, magazine cuttings of thin people, harsh comments with a younger me pictured cut and pasted in...
and a lot full of art work and poetry, all of it from a very depressed person. i do wonder if mum had have found it weather she would have done anything, or weather she wouldnt have registered it all.
what makes it sadder is that they span years, and a fair few have new years in it, full of hopes that just didnt happen! even some of my earliest had notes about loosing weight (one from 2003) and self harm, it amazes me quite how unhappy i must have been.
all of the poems are either to do with school, my gran, food or self harm...and the odd one mentioning not being around anymore. if i met someone like that now i would want to rap them up and keep them safe...all the pictured were self harm or thin related, all with tears, razors, sad faces, and non seen by anyone.
i always hid my books, i remember i used to have them under my mattress, or always on me so no one else could see them. the same with my razors, for years and years i had them hidden everywhear. in aunaments, teddies, draws, bags, a purse i always had on me, in the back of my phone...i even had them under my pillow, so that i was always near them in case i needed them. i remember having to go out of lessons to cut so i wouldnt cry, so many times, it was normal to me.
i had a whole lower arm full of bracelets, and the amout of time i would have to get new ones because the plasters hadent held. my arm just looked like one big cut. it was layerd over and over. it had to be 3 cuts at a time. and if the first 3 hadent done it, then it would have to be another 3... anything from just the 3 to 27 cuts a time, and many many times a day. how had no one noticed?!
when my arm was too full, i moved it to other places, the upper part of my arm, my legs, ankles, feet, tummy (tho that was always because i almost just wanted to 'cut out' the fat), hips...im very glad i heal without to many visable scars else i would look like a patchwork doll! thats one thing i like about my body!
i want to find some pictures from when i was 12. i want to see how i looked, and maybe find out from others what they think, i want to know if my head (and gran) is wrong, was i fat or just another preteen who was a bit chubby?!!!
its weird being back home, a lot of memories, a lot of behaviurs that are almost automatic, but maybe its just time to learn that that was the past, and now is for looking towards the future...or rather living for the moment x
many many notebooks full of numbers, magazine cuttings of thin people, harsh comments with a younger me pictured cut and pasted in...
and a lot full of art work and poetry, all of it from a very depressed person. i do wonder if mum had have found it weather she would have done anything, or weather she wouldnt have registered it all.
what makes it sadder is that they span years, and a fair few have new years in it, full of hopes that just didnt happen! even some of my earliest had notes about loosing weight (one from 2003) and self harm, it amazes me quite how unhappy i must have been.
all of the poems are either to do with school, my gran, food or self harm...and the odd one mentioning not being around anymore. if i met someone like that now i would want to rap them up and keep them safe...all the pictured were self harm or thin related, all with tears, razors, sad faces, and non seen by anyone.
i always hid my books, i remember i used to have them under my mattress, or always on me so no one else could see them. the same with my razors, for years and years i had them hidden everywhear. in aunaments, teddies, draws, bags, a purse i always had on me, in the back of my phone...i even had them under my pillow, so that i was always near them in case i needed them. i remember having to go out of lessons to cut so i wouldnt cry, so many times, it was normal to me.
i had a whole lower arm full of bracelets, and the amout of time i would have to get new ones because the plasters hadent held. my arm just looked like one big cut. it was layerd over and over. it had to be 3 cuts at a time. and if the first 3 hadent done it, then it would have to be another 3... anything from just the 3 to 27 cuts a time, and many many times a day. how had no one noticed?!
when my arm was too full, i moved it to other places, the upper part of my arm, my legs, ankles, feet, tummy (tho that was always because i almost just wanted to 'cut out' the fat), hips...im very glad i heal without to many visable scars else i would look like a patchwork doll! thats one thing i like about my body!
i want to find some pictures from when i was 12. i want to see how i looked, and maybe find out from others what they think, i want to know if my head (and gran) is wrong, was i fat or just another preteen who was a bit chubby?!!!
its weird being back home, a lot of memories, a lot of behaviurs that are almost automatic, but maybe its just time to learn that that was the past, and now is for looking towards the future...or rather living for the moment x
lots of thoughts
sooooo, today has been ok!
food hasnt happened at all yet, but im at home so will have dinner =-s
kept going dizzy earlier so its probably a wise move, cant scare my sister with any blacking out! pluss i really shouldnt let Ed be telling me what to do, it should be me pinning him down, not the other way round (has amusing image of Charlotte with a lassu and ed running for his life).
i spent the day outsife *yay*!!! i walked catherines dogs with her and her mum which was lovely, the dogs are mental but great fun, i really want one!
then i went to st albans, spent some time wondering around it and then met grace with amaya and farrah, who are absolutly gorgeouse kids!!! (only i fear grace may have noticed if i had of run off with one of them!)
was really nice to talk to someone who a) has gotten through it, and b) doesnt expect me to be 100% sure about recovery, i mean, every time i talk to mum she comes out with things like 'im so glad your going to do it', or 'wont it be lovely when...', and all i want to say to her is what about now?!!! i havent bloody gotten there yet, and im kinda just needing some screaming space! (me time to the extream!)
i did however make a twat of my self and burst into tears infront of her, who invented emotions?! useless embarrasing things!
so, my reasons to kick ed out of town...
reasons for just me...
to have a family
to have a real relationship
to feel/be healthy
to be comfortable in myself
to feel like i can be a useful
to be able to enjoy studying
to become the real charlotte (whoever that may be)
to be able to be nice to myself
reasons for others...
to keep people happy
not to upset friends/family
to show im not useless
to be helpful to others when they need it
so that i dont dissapoint people
so that i can go back to seeming 'perfect'...even tho i never was or will be
reasons not to get rid of ed...
because i need the safty/comfort
he is what i know, the unknown is scary
he keeps me in line- i might turn into a horrible person without him
he tells me how to live- responsibility fear?!
he gives me a way to judge myself - then i can work out what others think of me too
he will stop me getting fat
he will be around no matter what - he is constant
he tells me he can make me perfect
he gives me goals - again judgement
he is an excuse when i dont do well
when im into ed, i dont have to think about anything else
i dont have to listen to any one elses criticisms
its funny, to me my ed isnt a man really, its just easier to think of it like that, i dont think it has a gender, probably more female, like an evil step mother out of fairy tales or something...hahaha like my gran!
Sleep dear child, close thyn eyes
You think not that I plot your demise
Dance in the darkness and work out what’s right
Believe in me and I’ll grip to you tight.
Perfection is beauty, and beauty takes work
So keep up your effort, you’ll see where I lurk
Innocent sweetheart, you will learn lies
You will fake happiness, you will despise
I will perfect you, so listen to me
You will not eat if you I can see
Our aim is for nothing, only to fade
But come my dear child, do not be afraid
I will take care of you, look after your needs
Shout when you stumble, you’ll never be free.
i will beat this one day, soon, hopefully.
i am scared of going into day care, very very scared, but part of me knows its worth a shot, if ed can be put in the greenroom while the rest of me is on stage it would be far more interesting then whats showing at the moment. i know he will always be with me (which is almost a comfort), so maybe i can try something else, he is always there to come back to if the other doesnt work, he will be there...
i will do this.
food hasnt happened at all yet, but im at home so will have dinner =-s
kept going dizzy earlier so its probably a wise move, cant scare my sister with any blacking out! pluss i really shouldnt let Ed be telling me what to do, it should be me pinning him down, not the other way round (has amusing image of Charlotte with a lassu and ed running for his life).
i spent the day outsife *yay*!!! i walked catherines dogs with her and her mum which was lovely, the dogs are mental but great fun, i really want one!
then i went to st albans, spent some time wondering around it and then met grace with amaya and farrah, who are absolutly gorgeouse kids!!! (only i fear grace may have noticed if i had of run off with one of them!)
was really nice to talk to someone who a) has gotten through it, and b) doesnt expect me to be 100% sure about recovery, i mean, every time i talk to mum she comes out with things like 'im so glad your going to do it', or 'wont it be lovely when...', and all i want to say to her is what about now?!!! i havent bloody gotten there yet, and im kinda just needing some screaming space! (me time to the extream!)
i did however make a twat of my self and burst into tears infront of her, who invented emotions?! useless embarrasing things!
so, my reasons to kick ed out of town...
reasons for just me...
to have a family
to have a real relationship
to feel/be healthy
to be comfortable in myself
to feel like i can be a useful
to be able to enjoy studying
to become the real charlotte (whoever that may be)
to be able to be nice to myself
reasons for others...
to keep people happy
not to upset friends/family
to show im not useless
to be helpful to others when they need it
so that i dont dissapoint people
so that i can go back to seeming 'perfect'...even tho i never was or will be
reasons not to get rid of ed...
because i need the safty/comfort
he is what i know, the unknown is scary
he keeps me in line- i might turn into a horrible person without him
he tells me how to live- responsibility fear?!
he gives me a way to judge myself - then i can work out what others think of me too
he will stop me getting fat
he will be around no matter what - he is constant
he tells me he can make me perfect
he gives me goals - again judgement
he is an excuse when i dont do well
when im into ed, i dont have to think about anything else
i dont have to listen to any one elses criticisms
its funny, to me my ed isnt a man really, its just easier to think of it like that, i dont think it has a gender, probably more female, like an evil step mother out of fairy tales or something...hahaha like my gran!
Sleep dear child, close thyn eyes
You think not that I plot your demise
Dance in the darkness and work out what’s right
Believe in me and I’ll grip to you tight.
Perfection is beauty, and beauty takes work
So keep up your effort, you’ll see where I lurk
Innocent sweetheart, you will learn lies
You will fake happiness, you will despise
I will perfect you, so listen to me
You will not eat if you I can see
Our aim is for nothing, only to fade
But come my dear child, do not be afraid
I will take care of you, look after your needs
Shout when you stumble, you’ll never be free.
i will beat this one day, soon, hopefully.
i am scared of going into day care, very very scared, but part of me knows its worth a shot, if ed can be put in the greenroom while the rest of me is on stage it would be far more interesting then whats showing at the moment. i know he will always be with me (which is almost a comfort), so maybe i can try something else, he is always there to come back to if the other doesnt work, he will be there...
i will do this.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
tick tock
well, since i was last on alot has changed.
i had a meeting with the day care team a couple of weeks back, and a phone call from them to tell me i deffinatly had a place.
in all honsesty i am crapping my self about it, its a scary thought.
this is the first time in 10 years that there is a real chance of recovery, and although part of me is running towards it open handedly, the other part of me is running 10 times faster in the other direction.
im fed up of thinking constantly about my weight, i mean i went away for 3 days with my parents, and came back 3lb heavier, to which i have been panicking ever since. its not even that i ate loads away, i guess my body is just trying to keep hold of all it cant, and im doing my utmost to go against it and loose as much weight as i can =-s
i am sad about it all really, sad that iv spent 10 years like this, and sad that im scared to get rid of it. its like im choosing to keep someone with me who destroys me.
i want this out of my head. i want to be able to eat without feeling so bad, and i want to be able to study. i spent all today trying to practice and did barely anything because i hadent eaten, so of course, it stops you concentrating.
i just want to be ok. =-(
i had a meeting with the day care team a couple of weeks back, and a phone call from them to tell me i deffinatly had a place.
in all honsesty i am crapping my self about it, its a scary thought.
this is the first time in 10 years that there is a real chance of recovery, and although part of me is running towards it open handedly, the other part of me is running 10 times faster in the other direction.
im fed up of thinking constantly about my weight, i mean i went away for 3 days with my parents, and came back 3lb heavier, to which i have been panicking ever since. its not even that i ate loads away, i guess my body is just trying to keep hold of all it cant, and im doing my utmost to go against it and loose as much weight as i can =-s
i am sad about it all really, sad that iv spent 10 years like this, and sad that im scared to get rid of it. its like im choosing to keep someone with me who destroys me.
i want this out of my head. i want to be able to eat without feeling so bad, and i want to be able to study. i spent all today trying to practice and did barely anything because i hadent eaten, so of course, it stops you concentrating.
i just want to be ok. =-(
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