reasons i purge

ok, so there are probably 3 main reasons i make myself sick.

1) i am angry/upset at something - thus feel like i need the release of feelings
2) i accidently eat too much/more then planned and feel guilty
3) i am starving, but dont like that i need food. eating and throwing up makes me feel both like i have had time eating, and stops my stomach telling me i am hungry.

i didnt really realise reason 3 till just now, but i think i acctually do that a lot, its just another way of getting rid of a hungry tummy (not a good one tho!)

apart from just now, i have acctually had a really good day!

i have done 3 hours practice, and had a really good lesson with Annabel. She even asked about the food stuff, which i thought we no longer talked about, and told me to let her know how things are going when i start day care. she acctually wanted to know what was going on with things, and didnt dismiss stuff like she has done latly, maybe she acctually realised that it is still an issue?! (she seemed surprised when i told her that even at a normal weight i was still purging)

its not that i need that from her, its just nice to be able to be open with her about it, as it often effects my ability to practice and confidence in performance/myself.

she was really pleased with what i played her, and we had a really productive mind bendy lesson! (o yes, i came out of there not being able to do a thing...sure sighn of an amazing lesson!) she said that musically im very good and she enjoyed listening to it, and it was only a few little technique things that needed the work... im acctually starting to feel capable!


(hahaha i cant beleive that thought even arrived in my head!)

i am so looking forwards t when i can eat without the thoughts, so then i can be productive all the time, who knows, i might acctually be clever!