gaaaaaah!
ok, so although i *still* dont have a date for daycare (even tho she said last week she would send me a letter with one in), ed is on top form at trying his hardest to convince me not to go.
afterall 'we have lost 1stone 5lb already, just think how much more you could loose if you didnt go, you could get far lower then last time, you could acctually get below 6 stone, just like you have always wanted to...' SHUT UP!!!!
he is very very jealouse that we have 'just figured out how to loose weight again', and im about to spoil it by going into day care and getting fat. i am ruining all the plans, and he is angry and up for a fight.
im fnding it difficult to disagree with him, it is so plain to see that i could still do with loosing another half a stone at least, honest to god, i see a lot of podgy bits when i look in the mirror, even tho i know that im seeing it wrong. i can see where i need to loose it, and think i would really look a lot better if i did, but then i know everyone else would be thinking im nuts by saying this!
i like that i am starting to see my ribs again, i know it sounds mental and sick, and it is too some extent, and that i would ever say this too anyone face to face, but i find it comforting. i find it comforting that i hurt when i sit and lie down (not that i am really that skinny, i dont know why i am hurting!) because it means i cant be as fat as i was. i get a numb bum from sitting on my bed for 10 min! i find it comforting that i my hips hurt when i lie on my side, and that i can feel my knees digging into me, because it all means that i must have gotten a little lighter... but not light enough.
im awear i sound nuts, and im even more awear that this is all one big good reason to take the offer of daycare, but i am still wanting to shut out the logical side and carry on.
i think some of it is just wanting to have compleate control of my body. i want to do what i like to it, on my own terms. i want to show it, and maybe even others, who is boss. that i am in control and that i am strong. im getting so fed up of people interfearing, its my body and i should be able to do what i like to it... of course that is ed's version of it anyway.
charlotte wants... she isnt sure! im not sure what i really want to do with my body, iv never really thought about it without ed's voice. i guess i would like to feel at peace with it, to not be fighting it constantly, and to feel comfortable with other people likeing it too (which i cant do at the moment) i guess charlotte just wants her head to be quiet and still, to have a bit of calm!
im very mixed up about lewis. we have made up, and he was nicer yesterday, but one of my friends said i let him say some not very nice things too me, which he shouldnt be saying, and im ashamed to say its true, im a bit of a push over really, i forgive him easily and say it will be better next time... but it will only be better if he acctually accepts me as me, and doesnt keep hating me for it, and unfortunatly at the moment, it is me with ed for a little bit.
he likes to tell me that i make him angry and that things are my fault, and i try and change it, but im painfully awear that it is a relationship that will never last, and is very similar to that of me and my gran... how do i communicate properly too him?! i know he doesnt mean it, but basically he needs to not blame me for his feelings, and he needs to accept things as they are and work out a way to move forwards from there, not just expect things to be perfect.
im frustrated at my self for not having the guts to just tell him... im too scared, and im too scared to end it with him because some stupid part of me really does love him...it would all be good if it wasnt for that one thing!
i was about to say that i missed the times when life was more simple, only to be honest i dont remember those times, as my life that i do remember has always been a powergame of one sort or another, and usually me on the crapper side!
grrrrrrrrr feeling like pants!
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