lots of thoughts

sooooo, today has been ok!

food hasnt happened at all yet, but im at home so will have dinner =-s
kept going dizzy earlier so its probably a wise move, cant scare my sister with any blacking out! pluss i really shouldnt let Ed be telling me what to do, it should be me pinning him down, not the other way round (has amusing image of Charlotte with a lassu and ed running for his life).

i spent the day outsife *yay*!!! i walked catherines dogs with her and her mum which was lovely, the dogs are mental but great fun, i really want one!
then i went to st albans, spent some time wondering around it and then met grace with amaya and farrah, who are absolutly gorgeouse kids!!! (only i fear grace may have noticed if i had of run off with one of them!)

was really nice to talk to someone who a) has gotten through it, and b) doesnt expect me to be 100% sure about recovery, i mean, every time i talk to mum she comes out with things like 'im so glad your going to do it', or 'wont it be lovely when...', and all i want to say to her is what about now?!!! i havent bloody gotten there yet, and im kinda just needing some screaming space! (me time to the extream!)

i did however make a twat of my self and burst into tears infront of her, who invented emotions?! useless embarrasing things!

so, my reasons to kick ed out of town...

reasons for just me...
to have a family
to have a real relationship
to feel/be healthy
to be comfortable in myself
to feel like i can be a useful
to be able to enjoy studying
to become the real charlotte (whoever that may be)
to be able to be nice to myself

reasons for others...
to keep people happy
not to upset friends/family
to show im not useless
to be helpful to others when they need it
so that i dont dissapoint people
so that i can go back to seeming 'perfect'...even tho i never was or will be

reasons not to get rid of ed...
because i need the safty/comfort
he is what i know, the unknown is scary
he keeps me in line- i might turn into a horrible person without him
he tells me how to live- responsibility fear?!
he gives me a way to judge myself - then i can work out what others think of me too
he will stop me getting fat
he will be around no matter what - he is constant
he tells me he can make me perfect
he gives me goals - again judgement
he is an excuse when i dont do well
when im into ed, i dont have to think about anything else
i dont have to listen to any one elses criticisms


its funny, to me my ed isnt a man really, its just easier to think of it like that, i dont think it has a gender, probably more female, like an evil step mother out of fairy tales or something...hahaha like my gran!

Sleep dear child, close thyn eyes
You think not that I plot your demise
Dance in the darkness and work out what’s right
Believe in me and I’ll grip to you tight.
Perfection is beauty, and beauty takes work
So keep up your effort, you’ll see where I lurk
Innocent sweetheart, you will learn lies
You will fake happiness, you will despise
I will perfect you, so listen to me
You will not eat if you I can see
Our aim is for nothing, only to fade
But come my dear child, do not be afraid
I will take care of you, look after your needs
Shout when you stumble, you’ll never be free.

i will beat this one day, soon, hopefully.

i am scared of going into day care, very very scared, but part of me knows its worth a shot, if ed can be put in the greenroom while the rest of me is on stage it would be far more interesting then whats showing at the moment. i know he will always be with me (which is almost a comfort), so maybe i can try something else, he is always there to come back to if the other doesnt work, he will be there...

i will do this.