o deary me,
well, tonight was great, apart from the shere amount of food i have consumed =-(
i would estimate today i have had over 1000, which is far to much for me, it really is disgusting.
so, i bowed down to ed and started walking up and down the stairs, got to 20 times and realised it was mental and let myself stop... only its feeling difficult not to jump up and do another 80...i used to do that a lot, bad habbit...helps when i am not living in a place with stairs!!!
so, as part of the comprimise, ed decides its a good idea to look at diet pills, he thinks its about time i started loosing weight faster, and that it would be wise to try whatever might work...again an hour later i am slowly getting charlotte back into places and realising that its a crazy idea...ed knows most dont work, so he wants to get ones with things like ephedrine or other 'proven' and usually over the prescription ones...charlotte doesnt do drugs, in any form apart from caffine and the odd drink, so why o why would charlotte start now for ed?!
sad thing is, charlotte isnt thinking that it would be bad to have a heart attack... more just couldnt deal with not dying and then having to explain herself! o well, i guess whatever works.
the other part of the deal with ed, is that i would look for a cheap form of excercise... reason being that charlotte knows the gym is being a waste of money and time, so if she got something at home she could use it at night when she wasnt needing to practice... i have looked on eybay and there is a cheap power plate going, i know it will probably be silly, but i dont have time to be obsessive with excercise, so it probably wont do much harm, its likley to just gather dust, but part of me is feeling very very desperate and its better/less harmful then diet pills.
was difficult seeing 3 of my close friends from home today, sam came over first, who has known about things for ages, and noticed straight away...made things a bit awkward, i did eat in front of her, but unfortunatly she knows me well enough to know that that is pretty meaningless.
ewan and katrina were ok, but i told them about day care, and they were lovely about it, and acctually very understanding (arent you scared?...finally someone normal gets it!), but it made me feel bad because they both went a bit quiet having said 'but i thought you were better now'.
i know i cant live caring about other people all the time, but i just feel a bit of a failier (ok, not a bit, a LOT). this is just another thing i dissapoint people with, and i hate seeing people sad, im much happier when they are happy, only the thing that will make them happy now is the thing im most scared of.
there is a bridge that has no end.
the begining is simple, you can see all the nails
where people have put them each time that she fails.
planks heavy and fresh like the pain held inside,
just planks and just nails, theres no where to hide.
a few years on, the path seems to have grown
the wood looks much older as it creaks and it moans,
weeds have crept up where her thoughts have mixed in
and it seems a long time since she first thought she's sinned.
there are holes and some steps built along the way
each one is connected to a long gone day
she knows they are their as lessons she's learnt
but often she wishes that some of them wernt.
today she is standing with the bridge on one side
unsure of weather to run or to hide
for if she steps forwards out into the world
she must beleive that the bridge will uncurle.
that it will be built with each step she takes
and that it will not crumble if she makes mistakes.
this leap of faith will not stop right here
because i refuse to live life with this fear.
(ha, got to love a bit of spotaniouse poetry...and my lovely lovely spellings!)
anyway, its gone 2am and thankfully i am now distracted enough to stop myself buying diet pills...bed time me thinks! x
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