another day

hmmm, lost the plot again,
why o why am i feeling sooooo desperate to loose weight?!!!

on the cheery side, i got my belly button peirced today...not to show anyone obviously, as i hate the size of my stomach, but i like peircings, and its better then cutting! tho i have to say i was anoid it didnt hurt more (yes i know that sounds nuts), as i was hoping it would be enough of a release...maybe il just have to get another one ;-)

i am just feeling absolutly desperate to loose weight, i want to go without eating as easily as i used to, but i get too shaky now, and i think i acctually get hungry, i feel weak, even tho i know that by not eating im being weaker - its that bit that needs controlling, not me that needs controlling by it.

iv spent all day debating with myself...diet pills, no diet pills, diuretics, no diuretics, excercise, no excercise, pedomiter, no pedomiter, purge, dont purge... it is a rather constant conversation.

i wake up and i have rules on what i can and cant eat. sometimes i stick to them, some times i dont and have to compensate, but either way it is never joyful. the numbers on the scale are never low enough, no matter what they are, it will never be good enough. i have a feeling even if i got to 0 id still be trying to get further!

in a way im hoping that my new peircing will stop me throwing up as much, as it kinda hurts to bend over!

i just wonder if i will ever be happy with my self, or if i will always be fighting this every single day im alive.




will you just shut up? get out of my head and leave me the fuck alone.
i want my own space.
i want to think for myself,
thats right, without you here.

every single day you are there to knock me down. you gloat at my uselessness, and shout because i am not up to standered. im not the preciouse girl you think i should be, that perfect pretty clever talented angel.

you make out that you think i should never put a foot wrong, yet not once have i ever put one right for you...its an impossible task, and you and i both know i will never ever get it right, yet we carry on over the same path, hoping that by some freak mutation i will suddenly become able to please you.

you lied to me. you told me you loved me, but all you have done is destroy me and then sat and blamed me for being broken.



funny how both ed and my gran have such a similar voice.