well, i was bored and had a look threw some draws in my room at home...i havent looked at this stuff since leaving home, and its weird!
many many notebooks full of numbers, magazine cuttings of thin people, harsh comments with a younger me pictured cut and pasted in...
and a lot full of art work and poetry, all of it from a very depressed person. i do wonder if mum had have found it weather she would have done anything, or weather she wouldnt have registered it all.
what makes it sadder is that they span years, and a fair few have new years in it, full of hopes that just didnt happen! even some of my earliest had notes about loosing weight (one from 2003) and self harm, it amazes me quite how unhappy i must have been.
all of the poems are either to do with school, my gran, food or self harm...and the odd one mentioning not being around anymore. if i met someone like that now i would want to rap them up and keep them safe...all the pictured were self harm or thin related, all with tears, razors, sad faces, and non seen by anyone.
i always hid my books, i remember i used to have them under my mattress, or always on me so no one else could see them. the same with my razors, for years and years i had them hidden everywhear. in aunaments, teddies, draws, bags, a purse i always had on me, in the back of my phone...i even had them under my pillow, so that i was always near them in case i needed them. i remember having to go out of lessons to cut so i wouldnt cry, so many times, it was normal to me.
i had a whole lower arm full of bracelets, and the amout of time i would have to get new ones because the plasters hadent held. my arm just looked like one big cut. it was layerd over and over. it had to be 3 cuts at a time. and if the first 3 hadent done it, then it would have to be another 3... anything from just the 3 to 27 cuts a time, and many many times a day. how had no one noticed?!
when my arm was too full, i moved it to other places, the upper part of my arm, my legs, ankles, feet, tummy (tho that was always because i almost just wanted to 'cut out' the fat), hips...im very glad i heal without to many visable scars else i would look like a patchwork doll! thats one thing i like about my body!
i want to find some pictures from when i was 12. i want to see how i looked, and maybe find out from others what they think, i want to know if my head (and gran) is wrong, was i fat or just another preteen who was a bit chubby?!!!
its weird being back home, a lot of memories, a lot of behaviurs that are almost automatic, but maybe its just time to learn that that was the past, and now is for looking towards the future...or rather living for the moment x
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