Ok, well Ed has royaly messed things up.
Saw lewis today, and things are not great. I have been trying not to talk about this stuff with him as he is really busy, but it all came out when we had an argment about it. He said I'm crazy, and can't deal with being with someone who wants to look like a victim from aushwitz... I can't explain it to him, and he doesn't want to know. He said it's like I'm talking another language, an emotional one he doesn't understand and doesn't want too...
Can't blame him. I'm not used to having to think about what I'm doing too my own body having an effect on someone else. I can't just starve or cut without consequences now, and I'm finding it hard to adjust too.
I feel like I need him to be able to talk about stuff with me, but I know it's asking too much, and I feel so so bad for fucking things up for him. I don't know how long he will stay with me for, I'm not what he wants, even tho I have tried, and I don't want too keep upsetting him, he doesn't need that.
Sometimes I really hate what a selfish cow I have become, and I wish there was a way to change that.
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