update

Hello guys!
sorry for not being around - been manic, and i have no internet at home, so very little time to get online!

just a quick update... where to begin!

on the up side, i had an appointment today with the consultant, and as i stopped going to appointments with Frncesca after she told me we were finishing, he has asked if i would like to be put back on the waiting list! also, he is going to refer me to a diaticion, and see me in a couple of months... so all in all, its way more productive then i thought it would be.

my performance/master classes went surprisingly well. lots of very nice feedback, and my teachers and everyone else were really positive about it... annabel even told me i should be proud of myself... result! ;-)

food has been a bit up n down, finding college hard, and that i struggle a lot with the academics, which isnt great. my teachers have been great about it, but its frustrating. its nuts that some things come so easily, yet everything else is screwed!

right, i have to go practice, but just letting you know im still alive, and less stressy then i was!!! xxxxx

i have keeeyyyyssss!

why is it everyone feels to ask if your better now? or if the eating disorder is 'in the past'?!!!

if only it really was that simple.

i never know what to say, and i always get frustrated that people think that just because im coming back to college, means i am 100% better.

you can say 'actually no im not', because then it just looks like your attention seeking, or clinging to the past, but in reality, im not 100% better. im better then i was, but im still finding things hard.

and these are always people who think they know what they are talking about.


today was ok.
on the up side...

i have keys to our flat!
i think i may just get on well with kath... she likes crazy decoration, rubber ducks and 'stuff' as much as i do!
kath is equally as excited to be living with me... thats something iv never had before!
kath will let me use heating in the new flat, and as of sat, i will have my electric blanket, so i wont be as cold!!!



didnt go to my appointment today. i did wake up in time, re considered and went back to sleep... oops.
i went to group, and it was good, but a girl i was in with has just started coming after a relapse, and she is very very tiney. i find it a little difficult seeing someone so small because il be honest - im jeaouse. she discharged herself early (hence the very low weight), but her head does seem in a better place then she ever has been, which i am glad about for her. she knows she has to gain weight, and seems more positive with it. i hope she manages it.

i feel like i have eaten loads today, but im not sure.

i had 2 slices of toast with marmite n cheese (minus crusts)
1 pot of low fat rice pudding with jam
6 chicken nuggets n a few oven chips
1/2 pack of crisps
3/4 bowl of couscous, salad and hallumi
2 chocolates
glass of wine.

is that too much? it feels like a lot more than normal, but i kept getting really cold and was hoping it would warm me up. it hasnt really worked, i cant feel my hands and im shivering... i thought it was my low weight that did this, but it turns out its just my body being incapable of heating myself.

i see my friend bex tomorrow from ip. it will be good to see her, but im a bit worried that she will have lost a lot of weight, and i will find that hard. i will also find food hard. i always feel like i need to eat more infront of her to get her to eat normally, but its like we both put it on infront of each other. i know she is as uncomfortable as i am, and im sure she knows its the same with me. i guess i am dreading having to eat breakfast, lunch AND dinner, and snacks... today was the most iv eaten in a long time, and food wise, it is probably not as much.

i need to sort my head out.

Hello!

well, i should be asleep.

im meant to have an appoinment with franchesca tomorrow, but i dont think im in the mood to go, what with moving house etc.
part of me doesnt want to see her again, as i only have 3 sessions left... i dont really see the pointe in finishing properly, as i dont feel i have had much of a relationship with her anyway... views?

good news is that i should get keys tomorrow, so im busy packing.

tired, and eaten like a piggywig today as per usual.
getting fed up of fooooood x

boo

Hello guys,

well, its been a mixed couple of days, but lets list off the positives-

we have agreement from the owners of the flats, so just waiting on the banks to sort the paper work (which unfortunatly could take 2 weeks)

I am 23 on thurday, and i am not in hospital this year, thus can go to ballet, and go out after it with friends!

my loan is sorting out, just need doctors note.

my room is tidy, washing up done (that makes it tidy for 2 days on the trot!)

i did 3 hours practice today, and i am trying to be ok with imperfection... my mantra is 'im not as good as i WILL be yet' (thus remembering, its not the end of the world if i have a bad day, or one bad performance. its not the end).

i slipped yesterday, and it would have been easy to have done it again today, but i havent.



well, thats 6 positives.


still finding food a bit hard. yesterday wasnt so good. i was stressed about flat, and after realising it would be 2 weeks before i could move, i could think of nothing but making myself sick. i had been hungry anyway, and my head figured 'hey, what the hell' so i went to greggs, got a sausage role and a doughnut, and a bottle of diet coke, went up to thurd floor, and just like old times, i sat in the disabled loos and 'binged' and threw up.
i say binged, it is a binge for me, its food i never eat, but really it probably was a normal thing to eat. i realy only ate it so i could be sick, i think it was the release from that i needed.

however, its something i dont want to do again, and i went in to college today, and didnt - prooving to myself that just because it happened once, doesnt mean it has to happen again.

im finding body image very very hard. i just cant stand my weight and the way im looking, and the more i feel like this, the more i notice it - its a bit of a never ending cycle.

i want to not feel like this, but i dont know how it changes. im trying the staying at a normal weight thing, but its not making much of a difference to the way my head is. im trying to ignore it, but its tiring, and even more so because everyone thinks im better now, so all the support is being cut off.

i wish someone could put a date on when my head would catch up with my body. it wouldnt seem as daunting if i knew it would end, but as it is, ii have no idea.

i hope it gets easier soon.

hello,

today has been mixed.
im finding it hard to be motivated to do anything at the moment. probably because im secretly stressing over everything.

i had an email yesterday from the head of accademic studies saying that i am aloud to retake year 2, so with a doctors note, everything should be covered by the student loans company *phew* so its just a case of waiting for my letter to come through and then i can send it off to the SLC. It does mean that i loose all my marks that i already had, but then they werent great marks as i really wasnt with it! (i think i got some equivelent of 2 2's and 2 1's but without doing anything).

still not heard from the estate agent. dont feel like i can relax until i know i have somewhere to move to. i really hope we can move there, and i really hope they let us know on monday, because i just want everything sorted!

i havent really planned anything for my birthday. its on thursday, but i just feel so overwhelmed with everything that i dont think can deal with planning anything. maybe once iv moved i will have a late one.

just feeling very unmotivated with everything. there is plenty i need to do, but there seems so much that i just stay in bed as long as i can, and spend the rest not doing much at all. im lazy and pretty useless, but i just feel tired of having to make the effort.

my weight keeps going up (still). today it was the highest its been- 53.5kg. i could cry.

update

Hello,

well, things are a bit all over the place, and have been for a few weeks (hence going quiet).

1. i need to move, and due to flat mate to be, and there being no flats, it has taken ages to find somewhere. as of today i think we may have something, but have to wait for the estate agent to check with the owners if they are happy to let us rent, so cant be sure yet.

2. the student loans company font want to pay maintanance loan if i do 2nd year part time (i already compleated half my creddits), but my uni dont want me to resit it, as i passed some already. this leaves me in a situation where i wont be able to afford to go back anyway.

3. i have no money.

4. my flat mate is being more n more of a twat.

5. im no sleeping well unless i knock myself out.

6. i hate my weight, i hate eating this much and im tired of fighting it.

7. i have all of 3 sessions left with francessca, and then thats it. no more help for me..

8. i have very scary performances coming up in october and i dont feel good enough.

9. im fatttttt and i cant get it out of my head.

and 10. im fat.

going to go put my head down, things i took to knock me out are finally kicking in x

'so how do you deal with your emotions if you dont show your angry too paddy?'

i didnt have an answer earier, but i do now.
i came in tonight and he is smoking in the living room - where my washing is drying. his answer to it is 'well it doesnt matter, i will light some inscence tomorrow'

i could cry.
i want to cut.

i am angry beyonde beleif. i knew he had been smoking in the flat, but to not even put the fucking thing out when i came in and to be such a fucking arsehole.

he is having a laugh with kath in the living room.

i need to be out of here now.

too much

sorry iv bee a little quiet latley

not really sure what to say.

my course was amazing, and i felt pretty good when i was there, but tonight i seem to be a bit crappy

have a appointemnt with francesca tomorrow, dont really want to go, but im worried about what will happen at the end of these sessions. there are only 6 left, and although i dont like her, i dont want to be left to my own devices. i am not 'better' what ever that word means. i dont want to go backwards, but i dont know how to move forwards.

part of me thinks i should stop seeing people and just get on with my life, but the other part of me knows its probably ed's way of finding a way in. if i dont see people, then it doesnt matter if i skip the odd meal etc etc etc

i guess im feeling a bit mixed.

i want to know what the plan is. weather thats all the help il get, or weather i can have other help. if it is it, i dont quite know how i will manage the more stressed i get at college. it could go either way, but im already finding things hard (as usual)

im fed up of thinking about life in calories and weight, but im too scared to stop.

part of me is desperate not to let go right now, even though i know it is not helping me anymore, and i dont know how to work through it.

so my homework was to think about how much i want to change, and how much i feel confident to change...

a little bit of me wants to change... maybe 3 out of 10, and confidence that i can change? thats a 0.

but if i say that to her, then she may just stop seeing me strait away, and i cant decide if its a good or a bad thing..

fed up of everythig at the moment.

lots of thoughts

hello lovelies,

well its been a weird few days.

i have been up and out, trying to not mope around at home!

had group on wednesday - the last one before a 2 week break.
it was useful, but it really did hammer home quite how stuck i am in reguards to taking things on bored, and trusting others enough to change.

the thing is, im not quite sure how to change it. i know that the walls i have put up need to come down, but that would mean i need to stop 'protecting' myself, and i dont feel like i can at the moment - it feels too vulnarable.

its mainly to do with trusting that people arent going to hurt me. if i let people see the real me, without food masking everything, or if i listen enough to actually care about what people say, without having food as my distraction, then i could really get hurt again.

i guess school/family taught me that people are only going to be nasty, so why risk that when i dont feel strong enough too deal with it all over again?

i know logically i should know that things are different now, but i can not deal with the risk right now. i feel crap enough as it is. i put food/self harm in the way to stop myself being so close to the edge. take it away and i dont know that i could cope enough to stay alive.


i know that sounds dramatic. i dont mean it too, but that is honestly how it feels.

im struggling a lot with body image at the moment, and i honestly dont understand how other people cant see how heavy i have become. it breaches all logic, and all ways i usually think, but i seem to be on a compleatly different planet when i look at myself, or feel my body shape. to me it honest to god looks like an obese person, and i feel so heavy walking around. how can it not be real when it is so real to me?

im finding it hard, because i just want to do something about it. im not asking much, i just want to be aloud to loose a stone, and then it wouldnt feel so bad... the problem is, i know that my head it talking crap i think?!

im so confused with it all.

i wasnt aloud to swap therapists, the appointment was useless. he told me to carry on and id build a relationship with her - after 6 months, i feel its highly unlikley. he also said i didnt have an infinate number of sessions, so should find out how long i have left... im going to waste the remainding funding on something that isnt helpful.
it makes me angry and worried. i dont want it not to be working, but i dont know how to make it work. i dont know how to trust her, i dont know how to take it on bored, and im seriously starting to doubt that CBT is going to be useful while i am feeling this stuck with the idea of dropping my guard, but then what can anyone do to help that? its all me, but i dont know what i can do about it.

i just want somebody to find a way to help. :,-(

have my friends hen do tomorrow. more food to eat infront of people, more new people to meet, and the crowds of london. its a panick attack waiting to happen. im hoping if i drink enough, i can ignore everything... fingers crossed!

update

tell me it can be different
to how it is right now,
that things will be far better
when i have learnt just how

to make myself all happy
and leave this life behind
to love myself whole heartedly
to like and to be kind

right now it seems impossible
that i will ever change
the days seem to get darker
and i get more deranged

my thoughts become unbearable
the tears, they never stop
i make everyone feel better
but wish that i could swap

this life with someone elses
too make all of this a dream
so i could keep on going
without splitting at the seam

i tried to ask for help today
was a pointless thing to do.
no one ever listens,
i wasted their time too


bit of a crap day. appointment was useless, i want to give up.

on the up side, i bought myself 2 little dwarf hamsters as a distracton befor the appointment, so at least there is something nice.

been curled up on the sofa all evening feeling sorry for myself and wanting to cry

bed time x

'well, from the outside, it looks like your coping well'

thanks mum.

why is it, the shitter i feel, the better i look like im doing?

i threw up for the first time in months the other day.

today i ate like a pig.

everything feels grey.

ok, what this is REALLY all about

well, here it is...

im using food to cover everything up again arent i... obviously.

had group today, and it got to the last 10 min, having sat in silence for the 10 min before that, and i was really hoping someone would ask how i am (i know it sounds mental, but i find it hard to give myself permission to take up the space). no one did, and i kept thinking i should just say it, and *eventually* i opend my mouth and said 'iv had a really difficult week'... sat in silence a little longer and eventually with a bit of prodding i started talking.

originally it was just the hole 'my weight is driving me nuts'

but what it actually got too was the old being scared of college (and in particularly having to meet lots of people again), of my friend not having been in touch at all since she was back, of having gone home this weekend, gotten on the bus i used to get back from school and feeling physically sick n shaky for no reason, and general frustration of all of the above.

so, that is why i am messing around with food so much- and thats what i need to remember.

not eating is not going to solve any of the above. it might mask the feelings and turn the volume down a bit, but it wont solve any of it.


i'v also been thinking about the person i see. i am not really finding it useful, i feel very stuck with her, like we have the same conversations a lot, and it isnt really being useful. i also find it hard with the italien accent (its not the easiest to understand sometimes) and although her english is good, things still get lost a little. i just feel like i dont want to let her in, and feel embarrassed when i say things (yes i know that is me not her). but having had a phone call saying i dont have to see her till the 10th and feeling happy and releived seems to suggest to me maybe the partnership isnt right.... opinions wanted please!

i have an appointment with the psychiatrist on monday, and was wondering if i should say something, or if its rude not to have spoken to franchesca first - its a pain that i wont have seen her for 2 weeks, i could have brough it up, but i only see dr r every few months.... what do you guys think?!

*need an off button*

o guys, i am going mental.

i am back to bearly sleeping because my mind is doing somersaults at my weight and calories. how is it possible to be feeling this damn miserable? its so self centerd.

i met up with my old english teacher yesterday. she is so lovely, and i hadent seen her for months, and it was great to catch up. she used to be bullimic, so has more of an understanding then most, but i still feel like i cover up more then i should. she did ask, about an hour in, she was like 'i know you probably dont want to talk about it, but how is food?' and i did my usual 'oooo its fine, im just getting on with things blah blah blah' and in truth every time i think about being this weight i want to burst into tears.

im not feeling ok, im not even feeling close, i want to be alowed to curl up in a ball untill the numbers go back down, but i know i cant.

i just dont understand why its still going up so much. my bmi is wwwaaaayyyy into normal range now, i dont need to be putting on weight, but im not exactly over eating either.

my logical head is trying to tell me that maybe its just muscle im building from being more active, but i dont think i beleive it. dance classes 3 times a week cant be doing that much.

today i have had 710kcal and its only 2 o'clock, and i have to eat with friend later.

why am i even counting?
i feel like im wacking my head against a brick wall.

weight is still going up.

thank you x

Hello,

thank you so much girlies, your support is so so helpful!

i think it gives me reassurance that there is at least something i can do to stop people hating me, and something i can do well.

i feel that as soon as i get to this weight, its one more thing people will look at, and find an excuse to leave me for... i mean if im fat and disgusting, i cant even pretend that i might fit in, or be someone who you would want to be around, where as if im thin, at least its something.

i know that sounds warped, and i know its not how people think, but i just associate being this weight with people telling me i was fat, ugly, stupid, chubby, and saying i needed to 'cut down' on what i ate.

people saying now that this weight is healthy and normal, just doesnt fit with the comments i have heard a million times before when i was growing up, and its those comments that feel real. i mean, they werent just someone with a clipboard telling me what i should be, they were real people, with real views.

i think its also something i use as a bit of a buffer between me and the rest of the world. maybe im struggling so much more now, because im crapping myself about returning to college, failing everything, and struggling with finding good friends who i can feel ok around... and that my best friend is back from canada after a year, and i was only in touch with her like 4 times, and what if blah blah blah (im left alone with noooooo friends again).

im so fed up with this stupid illness, but im so tired of fighting against it. im a healthy weight = im better. its what everyone thinks, and i wish it was true for all of the wonderful people i have met.



today has been hard. im panicking about food and weight, i want to cry.
im at home, which means i had to have breakfast, and lunch, and i went out for dinner for a friends birthday to the bloody harvester, which has calories posted all over the menu. it made eating hard, and drinking hard (yes, i was panicking about the calories in the alcohol... clearly i had not had enough). it was a nice night in general, i got on with people, and didnt feel out of place, but i just cant get ed out of my head.

and i cant even restrict tomorrow, or the next day because my mum will know (yes i know its 'good', its just not feeling it)


not seeing my psych for another 3 weeks because she is away, and she was ill the last session i was meant to have. i dont think i mind because im not finding them very useful. she is a lovely person, but im just not clicking with it, i dont know weather its me being a dick, or just that we arent working. doesnt help that she is italian, and i find working out accents at 10am a little hard, or that she hasnt got the most fluid english.

2 of my friends are getting married soon. makes me realise how much ed takes away x

*mentions weight and crazy food thoughts*

dont carry on reading if you dont want to see weight/bmi/calories... sorry, need to vent!


i cant get my head to shut up at the moment.

my weight keeps going up, even tho i am not over eating, and excercising, and it is driving me nuts.

its shot right up to 8stone 4lb.

thats almost 8 and a half stone, and the thought of it going there makes me want to throw up on the spot.

it puts my bmi up to 22.4, and i cant hack it there, its too close to the upper end, to the overweight and obese end of the scale.

my body fat percentage according to my scales is 21.7% but u dont beleive it for a second, i feel so large that i want to turn invisible.

banished are all my clingy cloths to the bottom of the wardrobe. i seem to have a rubber ring of fat round my middle, and i cant tolerate anyone seeing it.

i want to cry.


i know i sound vain and stupid, but it feels so so so unbearable to be here. it feels like im being dropped into the jaws of a tiger, and being expected to laugh and be happy about it, but im not, i am going mental about it and panicking constantly.


iv had enough of being a fat ugly idiot.


iv had 1072 kcal today, and i could cry. i know its not enough, but how can that be true if my weight is still shooting up?

i dont know what i will do if it goes up anymore, this really is the most i can stand. the temptation to restrict is just getting too strong.

time for an update i guess

heya guys,

things have been a little tough latley.

not feeling great, and being pretty antisocial as a result.
people keep texting, calling and emailing me, and as of yet i am not really replying at all

im not really sure why im not feeling so good, things have been stressful.

i was home for the weekend for my gran's 79th, and its not put me in the best of moods, but i think i was already feeling pretty crap before that.

i went to group on sunday, and glad i did... ended up crying my eyes out, but it was good to get it off my chest. latley i feel like iv been smiling to everyone, yet inside i feel like im falling apart. im fed up of lying to everyone, and myself, but it feels too hard to not do it. i keep myself distracted, and then i dont think about anything.

im finding body image hard. very hard. mainly because i seem to be ballooning over night. i know its not possible, but it certainly feels like it. its another thing i cant tell anyone.

seeing my gran was hard. why she didnt just have a bunch of performing monkeys instead of children and grandchildren i will never know she never wants anything to do with you unless your playing, and even then she never sais anything good.

my aunty hit it on the head when she did a concert the night before, and said 'this is the first time they have ever been proud of me'... she is late 40's, and she isnt lying. not once is there ever a well dont, or a thank you. everything is expected, and your wrong if your not doing it.

my gran got people playing to the rest of the family (there were about 50 people there... a lot of very distant relations), and to be honist it just felt like she wanted to show us off, like a pair of favorite shoes or something it made me sad and angry, and even worse i have to travel down there again this friday to play for her in a concert at harefeild hospital.

im paying over £30 and spending 4 hours travelling, and she doesnt even want much recorder. she wants me to play the bloody harp. somehow she has found one to borrow, and doesnt get it, that im only doing grade 3, only been playing since november properly, and that im not young enough to get away with things being cute anymore :( i feel like im going to make an absolute twat of myself, and i dont want to pay so much, and spend the time doing it.

i found myself getting really angry at my little cousin (who is 11, and post grade 8 on violin), but in actual fact, i dont think its him im angry at. im angry that it feels like a new shinier model of car has come along, and iv been chucked on the scrap heap... even tho i never wanted to be hers, i feel like she has screwed me over so much, only to go on to the next one.

i dont get why i still care so much

i didnt go to my therapy appointment today. i called in sick because i just dont want to think anymore.

ps. sarah, its nothing personal, just not in a people space. please forgive my lack of communication xxxxx

thoughts

hmmm i should so be asleep by now!

you know, i think i need to own up to myself...

i keep telling myself that the reason im avoiding thinking about how my eating is going is because im doing fine, and finding a life outside of my eating disorder.

the latter bit is partly true, but i think maybe im avoiding thinking about it so i dont feel guilty when i 'accidently' forget to have breakfast or lunch, or i 'dont feel like' finishing my dinner.

i didnt really twig it till earlier when come 12.45 i had walked out of the house to go shopping not having eaten or drank anything, and in my head i had justified it with 'im not hungry, and no one eats when they arent hungry', but maybe thats just an excuse to get out of eating.

if im honest i havent really been eating well for a while. im still calorie counting a lot, and tend to avoid food during the day, but often feel like i have binged in the evening (being realistic, its not a binge, just unplanned food).

i know i should get up tomorrow, and eat breakfast. i know what i should have, and i know i should get lunch and not leave half of it, and have dinner, and probably a snack or 2 too, but for some reason i find that scary

in my head, its fine, because im not loosing weight, yet if i was talking to anyone else, i would tell them how its not the weight thats important...

why is it so much harder to swallow your own advice?!

i want to say that i will make tomorrow different, but i equally dont want to lie. i will eat enough to be at college, which will probably be more than normal.

somehow i need to find a way to kick myself into gear again

folk...!

video of one of our pieces...

hate this

feeling very very mixed up tonight :(

hungry, but dont want food, folk gig was nice, a few people i knew came, but i just feel totaly blah tonight.

doesnt help that i feel a bit shit with my period.

just felt very out of it socially. i feel like a social retard.

nothing new, just felt very much alone tonight. i never know who to talk to or what to say. i always worry that im saying the wrong thing, or that people are only talking to me because they have to, which makes me even less likely to talk to them.

iv had enough of feeling so alone, but it doesnt matter how many people i try and talk to, it never goes.

in a way doing this tour just makes feeling alone even more real. it just rubs it in. its easier when i can choose to be alone. that way it doesnt feel like its not a choice.

pants

blah.

well i just spent half an hour crying on my flatmate.

i dont really know why. saw lewis in the pub, made me feel lonley,
and eaten like a pig even tho i know i havent eaten enough

cant work it out, i piss me off sometimes.

have therapy tomorrow, done want it. dont want to get up tomorrow. want to sleep.

booooooo

things have been a little mixed (hence not really chatting)

ed has been louder then normal, and last therapy session she acctually asked what was going on with food (we have never focused on it before, normally we focas on everything else). so i had to keep a food diary (with thoughts n feelings) last week, and this weeks challenge is to plan my meals, and eat mindfully :( means im not meant to be eating walking (like i almost always do), or eat infront of the tv (like i do when im not walking)... apparently i should be focusing on my food when im eating, as otherwise its almost cheat eating... which was kinda the pointe, waaaaaayyyyy easier to eat when i dont think im eating. :(

i dont want to have to think about eating, i dont want to have to eat, and im not even sure i want to be better. i mean of course i want to be better, but i dont want to have to do the getting better bit. i just want to be there now!

tonight has been a bit scary, i have eaten plenty already today, yet my body is still hungry, and i dont want to eat any more because i dont want this many calories as it is, let alone more. i dont know what to make of it, i feel so bloody large :(

blah

why o why is being underweight such a pull?

it sucks, i know it sucks, yet i still want it. every day. i want it more then everything else and it makes no sense.

day 2 and 3 iof photoe challenge

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

there are a few people who should go here, but im restricted with pics i have!
Em, i think your one who should be here too!



Me and Louise, known since year 6!



me and laura, amazing support for a very very long time1


Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

tricky one but....



HOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE!!!!

boo

Gah

my head is a mess

i hate food...ed...thinking.

food hasnt been going wonderfully latley, and today the therapist brought it up for the first time. normally we focus on other things, but she asked how i had been with all the stress going on at the mo... i dont know what made her ask this week and not a few weeks back, but she did!

i was honest with her, and she wants me to keep a food/thoughts diary to challenge how i think about food.

the problem is, im not sure i want to challenge it.

i know i need to, but there is still so much of me that wants to loose weight that i dont know how i feel about eating normally. even if it doesnt make me gain a ton, its still a lot of food, and i dont think i need to have that much. iv lived this long without.

what frustrates me is that im already unable to concentrate and cold, and i really havent been restricting that much, or doing it for that long. how is it my body is already being a twat about it?

it makes me so frustrated that you cant be thin AND have a life/be happy etc etc etc. it seems unfair that everyone else is aloud to get to the weights they want.

blah

30 day photoe challenge...

i came across it today, so here goes!

day 1... A picture of yourself with ten facts



1) i want 3 children when i 'grow up'

2) im learning the harp as a hobby... its fun!

3) i love Hugh Laurie in house...!

4) im taking up a childhood dream and doing ballet classes... i have my first pair of pointe shoes!

5) i have 2 pet rats called Merlin and Arther

6) i listen to harry potter books read by stephan fry to get to sleep at night

7) i love sitting in the sun in the countryside alone

8) i can get my feet behind my head!

9) i think recorders are cooooool!

10) im late for a rehearsal... got to dash!!!

More to life...

thats all i can think tonight...]

there has got to be more to life than this!!!

my head has been going mental at me all day... to eat, not to eat, to excercise, to weight myself, to stop comfort eating (but stuff my face to make myself feel even worse) etc etc etc....

there has to be something better than these thoughts for the rest of my life.

i dont know why i care so much, its only weight, its not a big deal, no one else will see the kg that sprang up overnight, its not like you walk around with it tattooed on your head for everyone to see. its just me who knows it, and really it shouldnt matter this much!

its to easy to get sucked into this minuscule world, when there is so much more on the outside. if only i were brave enough to lock the door on this, and live in the real world.

iv felt so panicky and sad becasue of food and weight today, but why do i bother? i know il feel like this when i think about it, you would think id learn that not thinking about it would be sensible!!!

its definatly an evening when im going 'LA LA LA I CANT HEAR YOU>...'

so, fuck of ed, get your own life, and stop taking up mine >.>

back from music course!

im now back in birmingham (tho not staying here long, physio appointment and then watford!)

the course wasnt tooooo bad, i was releived to hear the others were just as under prepared as i was!

found food a little difficult. i dont know if it was her serving massive portions, or me under eating, but i didnt really get to the end of my plate... but she kept serving me just as much, felt very wasteful! everyone else ate more, but im not used to eating that regularly any more, so felt like i was eating to much. she got the hint with desserts, and served me 'charlotte' sized portions! i dont think i did too badly tho, i mean with dessert etc it would have added up to normal meal sizes i think.

she wound me up a little (has a habbit of doing that!), she wont accept that my lower pitch treble (which is slightly bigger), is too big for me. she keeps telling me i should build up my playing time, but when you have had repetative strain injury, it doesnt really work like that! it just hurts my wrists every time i play it :(

i recorded both bits of the master class i was in, and i listened to them last night, i think it will be useful to have them, and also i listened to my playing, and its not as bad as i was convinced it was!

the other crazy scary thing is that my teacher now wants me to go in for my LTCL at christmas :shock: for those of you who dont know, its a diploma, thats meant to be the equivilent in performance standered as the end of your undergrad at music college (so 4th year)... i know iv taken a year out, but il only be in second year, and quite frankly i wasnt with it enough in first year (or the bit of second year i was in) to have improved like i should have done... it seems like a crazy thing to aim for, bit she is pretty convinced.

i dont know, in first year the others were always like 'you cant play that, im in 4th year and playing it, your only in 1st year', so to do all of this music which i generally associate with 4thyears and postgrads seem mental!!! im not good enough to be doing this yet :-?

Passover

well, we had a seder meal tonight (i think a night early!), was nice.
we are such bad jews, not only was it not on the right night, we had matzah (the crackers that replace bread as you cant eat leavened bread), which specifically said on the box NOT FOR PASSOVER... all we needed would have been a ham n cheese sadwhich and a few prawns!

it does raise some interesting questions.

the hole basis of the festival is celebrating that god had set us free from slavery in egypt. that he looked after us, stuck up for us, and helped us.

i cant help but wonder why we celebrate this, when for thousands of years, we have been kicked about from country to country, never having had a safe place to settle (even isreal now is so volatile that i cant help thinking its silly it being there).

i dont know, sitting at the table celebrating gods love and greatness when im sat next to my grandpa, who came over on kinda transport, and who's entire family were pretty much wiped out in the halacaust just really brings things to the fore front of my mind

why are we still trying to beleive in god when all that has gone on?

part of me really wants to learn about judaism. i really do want to know about everything, about the views held, the explanations. i dont know that i will ever be religiouse, but i know if i was, it would have to be judaism. my family has been through too much for me to ever give it up to something else.

im thinking of contacting the local liberal synagogue in birmingham. i want to go, im scared of meeting new people, but i want to learn about my routes, and the beleifs held. i want to ask all the questions that i have to someone who can give me answers.

! x

)(*&$$£^%&&*^%$^&*^&^%$ flatmate twatface

o what an eventful day!!!

sooooooo, my mum came up to help me finish moving my stuff, which to my knowlege should have been how i left it, in my room, in piles etc etc...

so, i opend the door, and together with a note telling me how i owe her money (even tho she must owe me over £150 for the internet), i find my stuff shoved into boxes... sounds lovely and considerate, if it wasnt for the fact she has wrecked a lot of my stuff doing it, and BEEN THROUGH MY ROOM.

the things im most annoyed about are my posters from the shows in edinburgh, and my recovery poster and door sighn i made in IP, which are both ripped and creased because she put them at the bottom of a box and piled everything on top of them.

its not like i had to move out now, i still had another 3 weeks of tennancy left. it feels really quite intrusive and spiteful.

whats more, she didnt even have the guts to tell me what she had done.

her excuse is 'i needed to get the cleaner in now, because im away'... she should have left it to me, she knew i was coming back to sort my stuff out. she should have left it where it was.

come to think of it, my dictaphone which was there, i havent seen. need to check where the hell that has gone.

i could happily batter her today =-(

blah

well, long time to speak!

thing have been tiring to say the least!
on a positive, i have my first pair of pointe shoes *yay*, and had a 2 hour class of baroque dance last week, which was AMAZING! i want to learn more!!! bloody good work out too!
im mostly moved house now, not organised, very broke and need to find 3 new peices to play and perfect by the 18th... sometimes i hate being a musician.

i often wonder why im trying. i dont feel like i will manage it, i really dont. i hate my playing, there is so much that needs work, but the more i work, the more needs doing. its a never ending search for something that is completely unattainable.
im so worried about not doing well. not getting a first,or worse still, getting one but still not being a good performer. what if i am always going to be this bad?

i hate not knowing what will happen in my future.

needless to say food is mixed. i feel like im eating like a pig, but its usually ony around 1200, i cant beleive im saying only to that. logically i know it should be more, but im not loosing weight, so it cant be that bad. sometimes i wish i was.

its so frustrating. i want it all. i want to be thin, and pretty. i want the numbers lower then they have ever been, but i also want to learn to dance well. to be good at music, art, everything. i want to feel my bones but have the concentration to study and the energy to move, but the two cant be here at the same time. i have to settle for one. i wish it was as easy as it sounds.

i just feel so unconfident with my music, that i wish i wasnt studying it. life would be so much easier.

im shitting it about this music course. its run by annabel, and im not prepared. i never am, but it doesnt matter how much practice i do, i am never ready. what if im the worst one there? what if i cant get these 3 peices together? (i havent even chosen them yet). what if im not good enough to be at music college, and this is all just a big mistake? what if i fail?

i know this is why i am finding food harder at the moment. the escape rout from all the what ifs is dangling right in front of me, but if i take it, it only leaves me to work all this out at a later date.

sometimes i wish all of this didnt ever cross my mind.

i hate being this scared of failing.

the cake mission...!

well, i have officially spent from 11-now (minus about an hour n a half)... soooooo that would be 12 and 1/2 hours making my sisters cake...

the upside, is that i am finally finished!!!

will post pics tomorrow, but there is a cake downstairs with 2 tiers, 7 toadstalls, 3 fairies (plus wings if they make it through the night!), a million and one flowers and lots of edible glitter...

i am exhausted!!!

also think i have to fake a sicky from work tomorrow, as i havent found cover, but cant get back up for it :-?

had an ok day today, saw my cousin who is moving back to america in a week n a bit, and had a big family thing, both sides of grand people, all siblings (pluss partner) and jojo plus emily's friend... was surprisingly calm!

my gran took me aside and asked if i was proud of myself 'for being you'... very odd, and then she hugged me for ages... weird!!!

anyway, massive headache and back ache... off to bed!!! x

not such a great night

well, in all honesty im feeling pretty crap tonight.

i dont know why, its just things feel a bit too much and as usual i run around with a huge grin slapped on the front of my face and want to cry every time i finally stop.

im moving house, i have to make my sister birthday cake, i havent practiced enough in weeks, i cant keep on top of anything i need to do, im exhausted and my second period since august has decided to show up, which to be honest is making me feel particularly large.

i hate it coming because it reminds me how fat i now am.
i know its 'healthy' and 'normal', but it doesnt stop my feelings.

i want to be lighter, because it makes me feel like at least im doing something about being unhappy. atleast im making an effort to change...

last weekend i had some pics taken with my sister for her birthday, and they are plastered all over facebook, and they make me want to cry.

i look disgusting. im so fat its doing my head in, and its doing my head in even more that im not alloud to do anything about it. it feels like everyone else is aloud, the amount of times iv seen/heard 'loose weigh, feel great' etc etc, and why cant i?!!!

im also feeling pretty lonley at the moment.
i see people vaguely at college, but its more of a hi, bye thing, and if anyone does ask how i am, im always 'fine'. i just want to have someone i can call, or someone i can tell when im feeling so by myself. i want someone who will come and give me a hug once in a while. i miss having laura in the country so much. i miss having bex close by, i just miss having someone who knows me well enough to know when im bullshitting.

i hate this so much.

i feel so bad, im not getting my ratties out anywhere near enough because im so stressed that i know they will be skittish with me. i feel like such a nasty person for keeping them in their cage, but they bite me when im like this, and i dont know what else to do.

im sorry, i know i shouldnt moan, i just dont know what else to do with myself tonight, and figured it would be better to write it then to do something else.

sorry x

i hurt so much

o dear god i am just aching so so so so so much today.

particularly this evening my hands/wrists and ankles just have that dull ache that isnt going anywhere. its this ache i can not stand!!! my knee has been playing up all day, as have my shoulders/neck but the aching now far out weighs that, i want to chop them all off :(

does anyone else get almost constant dull aching? i really want to know whats causing it.

it feels typical that as soon as i treat my body better it feels like its falling apart a million times more :(

no words

i dont know what to say tonight.

just feel sad, down, lonely, fat. very fat.

the last few weeks iv been desperate to loose weight again. probably because iv been feeling lost without my eating disorder.

iv eaten properly with R, and ate like a pig today (had already eaten 1040kcal and then friend wanted pizza). i cant stand eating this much, i hate being hungry, it feels needy. i dont want to admit im needy... i am tho, not just of food, but of company, or friends, of comfort and love. i dont like to admit that at all.

life is far easier when you can pretend your self proficient, when you can live alone and not need anyone else... i think thats what my eating disorder helped with.

without it, i am no longer able to function alone, yet dont have anyone i trust enough to depend on. never have, not sure i ever will.

as a result i feel unbearably full of my feeling.
when im alone, i just want to cry. because i feel so much that its turned into nothingness. achey empty painful nothingness.

@£$*(*&^%$£@$£%^&*&^% flatmate...

MY FLAT MATE IS WINDING ME UP BIG TIME!!!!!!
all of my food is dissapearing. i thought it was a while back, but thought maybe i was just being silly, but marked on the packets where things were (i know it sounds stingy, but i really didnt know if i was making it up), and sure enough, my squash (of which it was a NEW bottle) is half gone, my olive oil (which i rarely use) is almost empty, my treats i have are all gone even though out of the hole pack i only had about 4, etc etc etc etc etc...

and you know, then she gets all high n mighty about the money for bills, when i have paid her, and she stil hasnt covered ANY of the internet and racked up a £50 bill last time because she keeps over using it constantly...

i could quite happily commit murder tonight :?

she just makes me so bloody angry!

i can not wait to move... any time from the 20th i can leave *woop*... 8 days and counting!!!

eaten like a pig, still hungry, doing my head in!

just in a general bad mood!!! x

helloooo

i cant get it all out of my head. it doesnt matter how much i logically knoe that 6 stone really isnt a healthy working adult weight, it doesnt stop my head wanting to be back down there :( i am doing my best to ignore it, and my body quite frankly will do its utmost to stop me being there either, which is just as well, but so many thoughts!!!

had my fist appoitment with the psych today, and i am releived to say she is acctually lovely! i found it fairly ok to be myself around her, and she said 'lets make a deal, that you dont try and keep me happy'... in other words she would far rather i told her how i felt about her/what was going on... i like that she is strait forwards like that! she has given me 2 tasks to do, one a kinda timeline of events, and how i felt about them, and the other, to write about me in 3rd person :-? going to be a little ummmm interesting i think!

apart from that, food hasnt been wonderful today, didnt eat breakfast before my appointment (i know it isnt an excuse, but i was very nerves), and probably didnt really eat enough for lunch either. i did have some dinner tho, and a couple of rich tea biscets (i LOVE them sooooo much lol, non of this posh chocolate stuff, rich tea's all the way!)

my head is being a little loud at the mo, and i guess im struggling a little, for the reason that one of my bestest friends R isnt doing great and has had the threat of hospital again. i think it will kick her in the right direction, but i guess a bit of me is jealouse that she has already lost weight...messed up i know.

the thing is, i know that even at 6 stone i would be feeling/thinking the same things, its such a messed up illness!!! i know i will never be thin enough, because i know that its not really the weight thats the issue. its the sheer fact i exist that seems to do it really!

i want to have some quiet time from my head. wish i could bugger off on holiday for a few days, to somewhere warm and peacful :-(

been a while

well i have beem pretty rubbish latley at this,
but i thought i had better say hi!

not been very talkative!!!

bit of a crazy time really, just waiting for wednesday. which finally see's my first 1 to 1 therapy session. which i am nerves about!!! im glad its finally getting here, but i just hope its ok and that i dont hate her. cant be any worse then pam the spam tho!

been trying to do bits of practice, tho in truth its not going as well as i would like. my motivation seems to be on vacation...maybe im just scared of everything going wrong, so dont want to try just in case.

my knee and ankles hurt like hell, after ballet the other day i could no longer straiten my knee, and although i can now straiten it, it hurts! roll on physio next week!!!

food has been a bit up n down, last nite i seemed to go on a full out binge, i didnt purge, but just couldnt stop eating, even tho i had acctually eaten the right amount yesterday. it seems to be that once i start eating, my body just wants more Confused i just dont want to put on anymore weight, my bmi is now well within healthy range, and doesnt need to go up any more thank you very much! its now a bmi of 21.8 and i dont think it needs to be any higher!

apart from that i have managed to find powdered sheeps milk, which tastes quite nice when made up into normal milk... my tummy has been very iffy with cows milk latley, so at least that should help sort that out! (along with goats, sheeps or buffalo cheese to replace my chedder!).

my mum also got me some calceum magnesium and zinc supplement thing, because apparently it could be a lack in magnesium that is making my joints ache so much...anything is worth a go!
i often wonder if i should get my bone density checked out, as i was on n off with food since i was 12, but im too scared to ask if no one has really suggested it!

firt therapy session tomorrow. nerves, scared, fat...hahaha o dear! x

odd dreams!

i keep having them!

my last dream, i was waiting for an appointment at the hospital, and i saw maggie and jude (a therapist and diaticion) and they said hi, and i was meant to be seeing maggie, but they went into another room and had a chat...for the majority of my dream! they didnt come out, so i waited and waited, and then saw F who runs the group at home go into another room with a couple of doctors and another girl she was helping, and i was still waiting. eventually i gave up and left...!

hmmmmmm!!!

wonder if thats anything to do with me and the waiting lists?1

need to go into college and practice my arse off today, so thats the plan! xxxxx

well, i was trying to be positive today, but iv screwed up again.

i just cant stop wanting to restrict, and then binging in the evening... and then today puring again too.

i keep comfort eating, not for comfort, but more out of punishment i think.

eating makes me feel bad, and i hate being this weight and feel like i deserve to feel bad being here, so i eat more and feel worse.

i know it doesnt make much logical sense, but its whats kinda going on.


im just eating so much at the moment, and i get so unbearably hungry that i binge anyway (or eat a lot maybe), and then feel bad for it.

had enough =-(

so achey =-(

constantly.

my ankles, knees, elbows, wrists, back and neck just will not stop.

whats more, i seem to pull out of place so easily, i only carried shopping back a 10 min walk today and its just made my elbows so sore, because it was pulling on them too much, and they bend just that much too far in the wrong direction.

my knees hurt whatever position they are in today, and its really grating on me.

they ache all day every day, pretty much all of me.

i have a physio on the 16th for my tention headaches, i cant wait. wish it was sooner! but im going to have to ask about the rest of my joints too, i really need some help, like now!

the muscles in my shoulders feel solid.

man i could cry!

rambly poem

i'm cracking apart,
cant you see?
i'm falling through space
please hear my plea.

i cant keep going,
its just too hard.
instead of strong iron,
i feel like card.

i smile and laugh,
but alone i just cry.
life should seem pleasant,
i cant wait to die.

i'm fed up of fighting,
too scared to give up.
i look like i'm happy
with a half empty cup.

why cant i show you
how tired i feel?
i don't trust your knowledge,
your judgments wont heal.

i'm alone as always,
cant see how to change.
don't trust in the future,
it all seems too strange.

i cant carry on,
things feel so stuck.
frustrated and angry,
with no change in luck.

bumface

eeeeeewwww i can hear my flatmate have sex...time to turn the music up!

ok, so things have been a little mixed latley...obviously!

the positives...

i saw a mate the night before last which was nice, and i have just purchased a steel boned corset *woop* cant wait to get it! (i reckon the boobs will actually be a big improvement on last time i wore a corset!)

its this one
http://www.corsets-uk.com/dark-green-taffeta-overbust-steel-boned-corset-my-033-azi.html

im also getting a photo shoot done (one of those free offers)... i was going to say no, and then i thought 'why the hell not'... so im going with a friend... i figure maybe it might get my body confidence up a little...maybe!

worked today 9-6ish, long day, but guess its a bit of money coming in.

found food really hard the last couple of days.
i just feel like im 'comfort eating' (hahaha comfort...NOT!) it feels like im on a constant binge. logically i know im not, but i cant get it out of my head that i am just eating tooo much.

i purged earlier. was stupid, i just panicked and had to. i stopped myself doing it again tonight, so i guess thats a good thing. also stupidly dug out my diet pills... really should just chuck the lot.

im just finding body image hard.
the fact i dont fit into that dress properly is really playing on my mind. i know i shouldnt care, and funilly enough with my flatmate sorting the zip, i did get into it ok (she thinks the zip is a bit bust). but it still just goes round my head.

and then i get into a funny place where half wants to restrict, and the other hald knows i shouldnt so eats, and thats what makes me feel like im constantly binging.

and i am petrafied that this is going to push my weight up either more

the letter challenge...

ok lovelies,

well, i challenge you to this recovery excercise...

i have written 2 letters. the first is me a year from now if i stay ill.
the second is me recovered.

i challenge you to do the same, sometimes it can be a really useful kick!!!

letter 1

Dear Lottie,

well, here we are...again.
you have had to take yet another year out of college, due to fucking everything up.

this year has been pretty shit...you thought last one was bad, but this just takes the piss.
shortly after coming out of hospital, you quite trying to recover, and decided looseing weight was the only thing to make you happy...how wrong you are.

you have lost weight, yes. you are down to a new low, and you would think that would make you extatic, but your more depressed now then ever.

you are constantly cold, tired, shakey. your hair is so dry and crappy its falling out. your skin and lips are cracked, and everything is so achey...even lying in bed hurts again.

you are constantly up, wide awake. sleeping went out the window when you started restricting again, so you fill your time excercising, counting the calories you wont let yourself eat, or purging... just like before you cant even have a glass of water without purging, let alone a drink with friends.

you are sad and lonley...still. Paddy got fed up with living with you, so your living alone now, and you dont have time to socialise... no one wants to see you anyway.

you know how you said you would never acctually try to commit suicide? that the pills were just a saftey net? that was bollox too... you tried, and got found. its still on your mind every day... living is too hard and too much effort.

they are talking about hospital again... another chunck of time wasted gaining weight again.

this isnt living.


letter 2...

Dear Lottie,

WOW!!!

i never thought i would say this, but you friging rock!!!

you managed to compleate your degree with a first! (for a dyslexic that isnt half bad!!!), and everyone was so proud. you are just about to start a postgrad to do art therapy, how exciting is that? you can finally study and learn to help others... i remember this being the plan for like the last 10 years, and you never thought you would manage it...how cool are you?!

you have come out of college with loads of people around, and all are keeping in touch.

you also set up a medeival group called 'InPro', and its starting to do really well, and your chamber group is really taking off. you even have a concert in the wigmore hall coming up (remember how you were so scared to even dream that maybe you could get somewhere with your playing?).

i can not tell you how proud i am of you, that you have come out of the other side, and are finally starting to acctually live!

o, and by the way, your long term partner has proposed, so you are planning your wedding, and he really wants kids to... wont that be worth the periods?!

i can finally really say, that you love yourself. you love your faults, and your slightly nutty ways, and you are no longer afraid that no one else will.

all my love,

Lottie xxxxxxx

should be asleep!

thank you lovely,
im trying!

today has been a little better, iv been out n about more, and we had a performance class in college which i sat in on, and realised i am a compleate geek!

someone was doing medieval music, and i realised that i know/have read more on it then anyone else...! also had a lecture on french baroque dance, which was interesting.

back home tonight, saw a friend, and now just getting ready for bed.

food has been a bit mixed, i feel like iv eaten a ton, but logically i know i probably havent, and that im up from 8am-3am so will ofcourse feel hungrier then if i wasnt awake so long.

had a very odd/sickening realisation today. i got curiouse, as to how much an average concentration camp victim was given to eat (bearing in mind, a lot of my family were killed in them in nazi germany), and it seems that at its worst, people were eating around 600kcal...AT ITS WORST. and the average weight of an inmate, was 40kg... now i find it a bit nuts, that at my worst i was eating less, and my 'ideal' weight i wanted to be was far lower... is that fucked up or what?! :-?

i kinda feel overwhelmingly guilty that those things were imposed on my family, when im doing it/have done it to myself... maybe guilt isnt the right feeling, maybe its more just a feeling of 'woah, thats just wrong'

i often wonder weather i need to just 'grow up and get on with it'... but maybe thats rather a harsh response, and not appropriate either, but it seems to be what my head thinks. i want it to just be that easy.

still, no point giving up, there never is! x

='-(

well hello my dears,

im not feeling to bright today, in fact i feel pretty pants.

maybe lonly would be a better word.

i just feel like i want to cry, for no real reason, other then i feel pretty by myself. i keep busy, and i see people around, but i cant remember the last time i sat and had a chat and a coffee with someone. i had a 5 min chat to someone in college, but other then that i havent really seen anyone for the last few days :-(

i know im restricting more then i should be, but it seems to be the only thing that stops me being so sad (yes i know its a quick fix and wont work for long). i dont want to go backwards, but i dont see a way forwards either. i feel so stuck.

every day i keep going, and going, and going. i wake up, i get up, i practice, i do the erands i need to do and eat mostly what i should, but nothing is getting any easier, and i dont have anyone i can say it to.

i tried on a dress that fitted me last time i was well, and i cant zip it up past my boobs. i know it silly, and something most people would be happy with, but it is really bugging me. im bigger then i was last time at a healthy weight and i was too big then, and im too big now.

iv had enough of pretending everything is so fine and dandy, when all i want to do is hide away and cry.

woah brain!

man, i have been waaaayyyy to lazy/anti social....

and you know, im only here because i should be asleep right now... really must sort out my life!!!

staranise, yes, coffee would be ace, when and where? im easy and pretty free (i really need to stop telling people im easy...!!!)

whats happened in lottie land as of late...

well, the exciting thing is that i finally have my recorder back :banana:
when i got it back from america, the keys wouldnt work properly, so i had to send it off to a guy near my parents home to sort it all out :( he basically re did the keywork, and it works well now, but i may as well have just given it to him in the first place!!! was very very angry with what a bad job/how much i was charged, and how shit the customer service was... need to write a letter of complaint, because i basically spend £450 getting something done that i then had to spend another £60 to have someone else fix :?

i also now have a new violin case and bow (nice 3/4 bam case, went to put my violin bow in only to realise that it was a full size and wouldnt fit in the case!), and a new chin and shoulder rest so it all acctually fits me properly... it amazes me that in all the time i was made to play music (19 years?), no one ever thought to check i was playing on the right sized instrument, or adjust the instrument accordingly so i didnt hurt myself... my family really do puzzle me :?

also called up to see when i would get a therapist, and finally i have been given a date part way through march :clap: the only thing is the psych at the ed place told me maybe i should get it through the CMHT instead, but that would likely mean waiting another 6 months., and i get a sneaky suspicion it could be funding related rather then him actually thinking about me. i have an assessment with the CMHT psych department 17th of march, so i guess il wait and see.

have a harp lesson with the scary college harp teacher monday which is cool. sounds silly, but im kinda frustrated that my mum doesnt take me seriously when i talk about it. i think she thinks its just a phase, or that its not important because i should be doing my recorder/violin/every other instrument i got made to play instead. its frustrating because acctually it means a lot to me. its the first instrument that I chose to play. the forst thing in music im doing because i want to do it, and not because i have to. even the psych from the CMHT said that its really positive, because im making music my own, and not my grans, and it annoys me that my mum cant really see it as a positive thing. all she goes on about is how impracticle it would be, and how expensive and useless it is. :-(

it bugs me with her, that she is like it a lot. she never really treats things as positive, silly things like when i was going to get a kindle because i had read about how much it can help dyslexia, she made it out like i was wasting my money and that it was a stupid idea... of course now she has seen mine, she is going to buy one for my little sister... she wouldnt even look at the bloody review online because she thought it was a waste of time before.

it a bit like she just doesnt approve of anything i do...
not that i should care.

seen my gran a bit. i still find it hard, i never know what to think when she is nice. i cant get my head around it. i dont trust her, yet at the same time, the adult part of me knows she genuinly loves me, and wouldnt MEAN to hurt me...even if that never really worked out when i was younger.
part of me wants to let go, and let it be, and the other part of me wants to scream at her, and tell her what she did.
i want to know why it was me she picked on, and why i could never be good enough... you know, she told me the other day 'you had a really good sound on that violin', to which i replied 'ye it was a nice violin', and then she said 'well its you that produces the sound, not the violin, you would sound good on any violin...'

now why did she never tell me that when she was teaching me?!!! :-(
she spent all day every day telling me how bad i had done, or how i hadent practiced, and how i should have done better, and should not be so lazy.
i have a friend who is scared of her, because my gran literally shouted her out the house when she was helping me with a GCSE essay, because i 'should have been practicing' for my grade 8.

most times i did music exams, i was doing more then one on a day, up to 3 in fact, and we are talking grade 7,8 and diplomas, now 1 or 2, and she STILL told me off when i was only getting merits or distinctions (yes, believe it or now, when i got distinctions, i 'should have gotten a higher one'

and i was doing all of that whilst completing GCSE's, A Levels, having the shit kicked out of me at school on a regular basis, going between self harm and anorexia, and spending pretty much every night/weekend doing music courses or drama.

part of me just wants her to see it :-?

needless to say food hasnt been the easiest. i just feel out of control.
ironically this is probably the most in control i have ever been of my ED, but it feels like chaos.

and this is probably why i am up on the internet when i should be asleep.

im petrafied to stop and have headspace because quite frankly there are too many not very nice thoughts that are flying through my head.

i want to please my ED, but i want to please everyone else, and i want to not eat, but i dont want to be in hospital, and i want to loose weight, but i know its all pointless... i feel like one of those stretchy men, being pulled in a million directions, and im not quite sure which im going in.

im trying to please every part of me, but it just isnt possible, because either i please my ED or i please the real me...

being a people pleaser sucks!!!!

twatty house mate

well, here is my rant for today...

my twatty house mate, who never lets me use 'her bath', seems to have let people through my bedroom to use MY ensuite bathroom... i am NOT impressed. if there had been permission asked, or if maybe i was aloud to use her bathroom for a bath occasionally, i would not be feeling so bitter, but i think it just takes the piss really... its my space, my room, and i dont want people i dont know going through it, without me knowing (especially not as its a shit tip, and thats why the door was closed...!) i dont want to sound petty by bringing it up, but its not the first time, the last time someone walked in on my when i was getting changed because she said they could use my bathroom. major issues with privacy :?

she winde me up so bloody much! x

home sweet home =-)

hello lovelies,

well, im back home, and i think it has actually done me quite a lot of good!
im eating a bit more again, mainly because there are others im eating with, and i didnt skip on breakfast today

still feeling pretty rough, on top of feeling very washed out, my glands are up...grrrrrrrr! stupid period letting other things sneak in!

had a dinner party earlier, which i found a tad hard, especially as one guy barley ate and was tiny... closet anorexic me thinks, but made things very difficult. still, i did eat and didnt throw up, so thats good.

thinking of going to the old beat group in london i used to go to tomorrow morning, actually very nerves about it. still, i think it would be a good thing, just aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!
had a bit of a bust up with F the whoman who runs it (thinks she is recovered, very clearly isnt), who when i got back in touch, asked me to to a concert...to which i replied with 'i dont think thats an appropriate thing to ask at this point in time', but i dont know that she took it very well. however, its stupid to ask, when im clearly not doing well, and have not been at music college since april last year... there is a time and a place!

apart from that, not much to say really, not done much today, spent most of the day on the sofa trying to swallow!

anyway, to bed i must go!

cramps cramps cramps

hello,
well i got some time out bars to keep in the cupboard... kinda a compromise with both sides of my brain...they are yummy tho!

today has been pretty crappy, feeling very very washed out and exhausted. been shakey pretty much all day, and have bad period cramps.

went to ballet coz i thought it might help the cramps, but was so shakey by the end of it that i dont know it helped. my teacher asked if i had eaten today, and told me i needed to eat some carbs n keep my vitamin intake up, and bring something like lucazade to class to drink :( drinking calories scares the crap out of me, but i know she is probably right.

hoping its just my period playing up, and that next time il be fine again.

still finding food a bit hard, i need to up my intake again, this weekend aught to be easier with that because il be at home anyway.

anyway, going to go to bed and be miserable with my cramps and some bbc iplayer! night xxxxx

=-(

indeed they dont...twats!

(pluss thanks for the explanation, makes a lot more sense!)

well today im feeling quite :-(

had group today, which was pretty hard. was in tears for a lot of it, mainly feeling angry/upset re lack of help and lack of anyone giving a shit... turns out a lot of the others feel the same, which sure says something about the nhs.
was hard, because yet again i was the last to talk, and didnt really get to talk much. (everyone asks how people are, and i always either dont get asked or dont have time :-? ). i felt bad because the only reason someone asked is coz i was crying, feel like i almost unintentionally blackmailed them into it.

also, one of the people running it (gerard) is leaving in 2 weeks, i reckon they have cut the funding because his job isnt being replaced, and he doesn't look happy about it... also the person taking over is some crazy nurse from IP that n0oooooo one likes! she is patronizing and annoying, and spent the first 3 weeks of ip telling me i didnt need to be there.

also started my periods again. first one since end of august, been 5 months, and although i know i should be happy, im really not. i know logically it doesnt make me fat, but in my head it really does :(

aaaannndddd.... my friend paddy has asked me to move in with him in march... logically for me, it alll makes sense. he is lovely, very caring, we get on really well, its £100 cheaper then where i am, and it secures me having someone to live with (which i am very worried about).
so, i told my flat mate anna, and she has majorly guilt tipped me :( with 'well, i dont know what to do, all my exams are in april, if i move i will have to re sort all my things, and its just for a few months, why cant he wait? etc etc'... i have said i will pay an extra month (so till april) and that if she gets really stuck il stick it out til she wants to move in june :-?

the thing is, she left me homeless for the summer, she screwed around not paying rent, expecting me to pay an extra month at the begining. she kept going on at me about the flipping electric bill when i wasnt even living there and was in hospital. she wont give a toss if i want to stay a month longer (i know she wouldnt cover it), yet she makes me feel bad for giving her plenty of time to move?

and on top of that i was probably very stupid and did a very anorexic shop at tesco :? spent over an hour dawdling around (some guy even stopped to ask if i was ok!) and got all the low cal crap i feel safest with, and went back to not picking up the things i really feel like...

why am i being so stupid?!!!

bloody recorder teacher!

today has been pretty mixed.

i had a lesson with my teacher, and you know, she really pissed me off.
i had stopeed talking about things with her a llooooong time ago, because i know she doesnt get it, and just winds me up.
today i walked in, she asked how i was, i said fine. soooo she asked how things were going health wise, i said 'same old, but have only had like 1 appointment since i left hospital' and she said WELL MAYBE THEY THING YOUR BETTER THEN! with a bit :smile: on her face...

now, i know optimism is a gift that i truely dont have right now, but you know what, i just wanted to scream at her that ITS NOT THAT FUCKING SIMPLE. :evil: i wish it was, i really do. i wish it was a case of me magically being cured, but its not, and i knew she would say something like that, and i know she thinks im attention seeking/making things sound worse then they are when i tell her that thats not exactly why i havent been iven appointments, but it just makes me so annoyed.

there is a reason i no longer talk to her, and that is it. when i told her about daycare, she said 'o, do you really think you need it? i thought you were better'. and when i went into IP she said 'did you drop loads of weight or something? you werent that thin last time i saw you'

and this is all coming from the whoman who 'dabbled a bit in uni' so thinks she magically gets it all, and thinks she knows just how easy it is to be better :-?

o yes, and on top of that she keeps pushing me to do exams...


sometimes people really are deserving of a hit round the head.

brain be gone... now wouldn't that be a nice name for a nice invention

hello lovely people,

well as the title suggests, kinda having a bit of a eeeeek day really.

just finding food/body image/recovery pretty hard.

i miss being smaller, and i miss feeling hungry. i miss fitting into my 'thin' cloths, and challenging myself to go x amount of time without food. i miss the distraction it provided, from im not quite sure what.

i feel pretty miserable in myself, for no good reason.
im sad iv landed up here, because i look at photoes of me as a kid and want to scream at someone and tell them what was going on. i want to punch the teachers that said 'im sure they are just trying to be your friends' after id had spitballs chucked at me, and barbie girl sang at me every time i went into a class for a year. i want to punch the bloody teachers who saw me being beaten up, and basket balls chucked at my head, and did nothing. i want to scream at the people who did it, because i know they have gotten on with there lives and are fine, and its just not fair. i still hate being in crowds because it reminds me to much of when they crowded round me. i cant work out when people are just joking around because it all reminds me too much of what went on before.
im scared of being myself, and the eating disorder was a marvelous mask. nothing touched me, because not eating and loosing weight were all that mattered, and without it i feel naked and unprotected, and i dont know how to do this. i dont know how to live without it.

i just wish things were different, i wish someone had have done something. i wish my family had of been different, but they are the same as ever. i was thinking about why im not really religious earlier, and you know? it all boils down to when i was about 7, and was really unhappy and i asked god for some help, and he did bugger all too. it didn't make sense to me that he could possibly exist if id asked and he didn't help... either that or it just meant i must have been a really bad person... which is kinda the message i got from everything that went on. why else would it happen? i must have been nasty or horrible.

i just feel like iv been left to just get on with things, and not been given any help. its just been a case of taking away my one bloody life float, and chucking me back in again.

its been over 3 months since coming out of hospital, and i have had basically no support.

how do i keep this up when i feel like im cracking further apart every day?

heylo,

well this weekend has been lovely!

i came home Saturday, and spent the day in london with Alex (british museum n covent garden), then i met my parents and we went to a string quartet concert in the wigmore hall which was awesome! (shostacovich 8th symphony, well worth a listen!).

then, yesterday i saw my cousin, went to st albans and painted a tea pot with my friend who used to work in the pottery shop with me (shocked our old boss i think!) - i did it with a washing line on it and lots of cloths hanging from it, and on the lid it says 'time for a nice cup of tea'... hope its glazed ok so i can use it!

then, i poped over to matts house and saw him n becs who i havent seen for about 2 years i think (used to be round there all the time when i was nyounger). so all in all, a very nice weekend!

the thing thats confusing me is that i walked into my parents room and my mum was like 'me and dad think you have lost weight'... i really dont think i have, and its kinds peeing me off a bit! then the hole weekend they have been checking im eating. its really annoying.
also, last night i got some food out with my friend in st albans, headed round matt's house, and then he made me sit and eat with him to :( i had genuinly eaten enough before had, but he literally put a plate in front of me and dished me out, even though id told him id already eaten!

in that way, im looking forwards to being back in brum! x

blah blah blah

hello guys,

well, today has been a bit crappy really!

everything that could have gone wrong went wrong!

the positives are...

i had a really good lesson (my teacher said i should manage a first in my degree :clap: ), he also went through one movement, and didnt stop me at all, saying at the end 'there were a couple of things, but your playing was so intense and emotional i didnt want to stop you, it was really good' :clap: funnily enough, its the movement that most makes me think of the ed/how hard recovery is! (its acctually based on a lover dying, but hey, its not far off!)

i also did some harp practice which was good...

the bad were...

i forgot a recorder i needed to lend to someone, went back picked up the case, walked back in again only to find it wasnt in there!

i left my keys in my locker key, which meant i added an extra half hour onto my journy and was late to meet a friend

i went to group, there wasnt time for me to talk and ended up crying all the bloody way home (typical e?!) must have really freaked out the other people on the train!

my tummy has been playing up again for a few weeks, bit worried its milk related but i dont think i can really cut it out without going backwards =-(

and on a neautral term... the second year arsehole won the recorder prize...which is bad re his ego, but i guess kinda good because it knocks him out of the competition for when im in it! (tho i kinda wanted to know if i was better then him!)... im kinda surprised he won, coz although he is good technically, he acts like a joker on stage, which isnt alwaays a good thing (his bloody eyebrows drive me mental, they move up and down sooooo much, it looks ridiculas when he is playing a sensible peice!)

anyway, i should go to sleep!!!

recorder news!

ok, so the only thing that has cheered me up today is that i am finally getting my recorder back... 2 months late, but it will be her hopefully in a few days!!!

that has made me happy.

today has been nuts, i...

woke up at 7
was in college by half 9
practiced till 12
worked from then till 6
had a folk rehearsal 6-8
did and hours more practiced
went to friends to help her with essay,
got back home at 11.50
did washing up/tidied up

and here i am... and i need to be practicing in college by 9 latest because i have a lesson at 10...

i do not know how i will get through tomorrow! coz then i neeed to practice, go to a lecture 1-3 practice a bit more and go to group at 6.15-7.15 and meet a friend at 9...

and to top it off, i have gone past the point of tiredness and feel like i could be up another few hours! perhaps i will knock myself out with puriton...!

food i have found hard, i feel like iv binged, but probably havent considering how busy i was.

i had
a slice of bread and an egg for breakfast
a timeout as a snack
a salad with chicken mayo for lunch
a caramel choccy bar and cheese/bacon wrap from greggs =-( after work
a little bit of omlet and a bread muffin at beccies
4 malteasers

it feels like a huge amount, but i cant tell weather thats normal. i dont normally snack (even though i know i should), nor would i normally have so much 'unhealthy' food in one day.

its silly because i know im wanting to restrict a lot.

had an appointment yesterday with someone from the CMHT finally, and it was acctually really good. the guy was lovely, and i acctually managed to talk properly, and cry... which i know sounds crazy but i dont cry infront of people normally, and usually i spend these appointments happy and bubbly and they wonder why i am there. he didnt dismiss anything, and also talked about recovery not being easy etc, and that that wasnt the real problem, and of course i would be finding it hard at the moment. he also acknowleged things in my past, which for some reason really helped. like he acknowleged the bullying being hard, and the stuff with my family, and that i couldnt possibly be happy having 'molded' myself into someone im not for other people, and i guess he is right. we also chatted about my music, and he said its another thing i kinda do for someone else, and that i wont feel comfortable performing until i make it my own (iv been trying to pin point why i hate performing infront of people for ages, and its coz i feel judged/ that i dont acheive anything anyway). i think he is the only person iv spoken to that has made this much sense.

he gave me the choice of when i wanted to see him next... i cant do decisions, and he ended up saying 'i dont finish work till 5, im happy to wait for an answer...(at 3)', so i finally said ummm i dont know, 2-3 weeks?! so he wrote 2-3 weeks on the appointment thing and the recepionist booked it for 3, which is fine coz i dont want to take up too much time
he also said i could do with long term therapy, but the nhs doesnt offer it anymore, so hopefully when my therapy comes through it will set me up and i can carry on on my own.

anyway i should really sleep,

night! x

=-I

feeling a bit crappy at the moment.

im just really struggling with food.
doing the whole walking around for 2 hours before being able to decide on lunch, and getting to obsessed with weight and shape.
i feel like im meant to look fine, so i do and then i get home and want to cry... i feel oddly unattached to myself. like i feel shit and upset, and at the same time im too far out to bother acctually crying, i just feel dull.

i cant stop looking at pictures from when i was thinner, and wishing i was back there, because in my head it would make it so much better. even tho i know, i will probably feel no better. its stupid because i look back longing to be there, and at the same time i look back and think i was too big anyway, and kick myself for recovering before i got down to where i wanted to be... not that i know where that was, i guess my head is saying i should have gotten to 5 and 1/2 stone before putting on weight, but then if i ha have been there it would have said 4.

its such a mind fucky 'illness'. i find it hard to accept that it is an illness, its just the way my head works.

i havent had a period in almost 5 months, and its pissing me off. you would think now im a normal weight they would be around, but it turns out its less regular now then it was before i put on weight. i dont know if i should tell someone or not, and weather it will make any difference.

there are so many thoughts going round my head. i dont know what to think. i keep telling everyone its great, and chatting to the other girls and making out like its all roses, and at the same time the longer it goes on the more i want to be out of this body. i dont know how to loose the feelings, so i keep busy, i practice all day, do as much stewarding as i can and constantly keep my mind busy at home watching things and doing art/puzzles till i sleep so that i dont have time to think. im scared to let myself stop because i dont know what to do with myself.

i look at becky, and see her do what i do, and i worry that she will go backwards, so im doubly happy around her.

iv just had enough.

feeling a little lonley

on the pluss side, my weight is back down to around 51kg, thank god.

i dont know, just feeling a little =-( at the moment.
im spending a lot of my time in college practicing, which is good, but my headaches are coming back again and its making me feel crappy.
had folk tonight which was fun, but feel a little like a social retard.

found eating quite hard today, kept staring at it, knowing i needed it, but feeling like i really really didnt.

boo =-(

grrrrr

why hello there lovely people,
how are you all?!!!

im in college again... practicing again... with pins n needles over my shoulder blade... again! im seriously considering investing in out of those home medics shiatsu massagers... anyone had one?
i figure in the long run it would acctually be better then trying to afford real massages :-?

practice is going ok, getting frustrated at a peace of Bach! so far i have it up 3 metronome marks from yesterday, but there is one little bit that is doing my head in! i always slow up there accidently, and dont bend my thumb properly, which supposedly means i have less contol, but i feel more out of control with my thumb bent!

hmmm, recorder speak, sorry!

hopefully heading to a friends later, he said he would massage my shoulder for me wooooop!!! :clap:

finding food hhhhaaaaarrrrd...
im still eating, its just my weight is STILL going up a lot, and i dont know what to do about it, its higher then its been since i was 12, and im really worried its going to keep going. my bmi is 22 now, which i can kinda deal with, aslong as it stays there. i just dont want it to keep going up and up :(

i feel a bit lost with what to do about it because i know i shouldnt cut down on food, but at the same time i think maybe im eating to much, but cant work out weather i think it, or ed thinks it.

im trying very hard to just ignore it, just not finding it easy :-?

anyway, should go practice more before college shuts, just needed a little rant! x

just incase anyone wants it...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Creative-Guide-Exploring-Your-Life/dp/1843108925/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294936703&sr=1-1

missing being ill...

well, the last few days have been a bit difficult...
one of the girls that was in when i first went into hospital is back in again (a different one to rosie). i know it sounds stupid, but part of me is jealouse. jealouse that she was aloud to get thin again, or that she almost killed herself with it (making her a 'better' anorexic then me?!). and maybe jealouse that she is getting help, and that im just waiting for nothing to come through as per usual.

im still going, and still eating *insert all anorexic thoughts about that one here*. my weight is still 50.5kg, and its still driving me mental, and i have absolutly no one to talk about things with.
i dont think im jealouse of her being in hospital, just that someone is helping her with it. i can see that i no longer need that intensive help, but something, some sort of continuity, or just a place to rant would be very useful. its frustrating that they treat the cause, and leave it. i mean its harder to keep things up when only the secondary bit has been treated, and as time goes on i find it harder and harder.

same old ranting i know, but i couldnt sleep last night because all things eating disorderd were shouting in my head. and today, all day and all evening, all things eating disordered have continued to shout.

on a less ed'd note, i gave blood for the second time today, noooo problem with iron levels at all, the needle was larger then i remembered tho!

anyway im off, speak soon x

cool vidio of my nanna...

i found it of her as a kid

A DANCING PRODIGY

a challenge for you, should you choose to accept it!!!

ok, so i got a book today, about learning who you are using creative means. (mostly because im interested in art/music therapy).

so, i will do a little at a time, and put it here, with the excercise questions, and my challenge to you, would be to do it along side me. how about it?!

the first excercise i did is...

who am i today?

write a paragraph to describe yourself.

Today i am a confused recovering anorexic. i play the recorder at music college, and my hobbies include learning the harp, messing around with art, and dancing (newly taken up). i am scared of who i am, and not sure how il turn out. i live on the edge just balanced towards recovery, but constantly dreaming of not eating again.

Describe yourself in one sentance.

Im a chatty, nutty, funny recorder playing music geek who secretly wishes she was a ballet dancer instead!


describe youself in one word and draw a picture/symbol that represents that word.

Nerves - with a :-s face by it.

next excercise is...

roles i play

write as many roles as you can think of that you play...

student, friend, helper, sister, daughter, grand daughter, cousin, lover, philosopher, debator, carer, musician, artist, dancer, actress, steward, defender, protector, logical voice of reason, dreamer, ice breaker, camper, animal lover, film buff.

choose your faveorite 2 roles and write a paragraph about why you enjoy each role.

Debator - being able to play too my strengths and think outside the box by discussing anything and everything! i love being talkative, and its one thing i feel confident and able in. i like acheiving, and no one has ever told me i cant debate!

protector - i want to help people and by fighting their corner, i can do what no one did for me. i beleive everyone should have someone who cares, and i feel privalaged and thankful when i can play that role. what goes aroung comes around, and i guess i hope one day, someone will protect me too.


so, if you take up the challenge, do the excercises along with me x