mistake of the scales

well, you read it =-(

i stepped on the scales at home, and it has gone up to 8 stone and 0.5lb =-( thats over 50kg.

i feel like i have had enough now. my weight is still going up, and i have no idea how long they will go for. i still havent had a period yet, so god knows.
iv tried to let it go, and just ride it out, but this is really not fair now. i cant carry on blindly letting it go up and up and up.

i guess im hoping that these scales are different to my ones at home, but i doubt it. i was hoping my weight would stop at 7 stone 12 like it did last time, but it just keeps going. im only 5lb away from my heaviest weight (when my gran told me i was chubby).

i just have that little voice saying 'just get back down to 7 and a half stone, you were fine there', but i know that i wouldnt stop there.

how long will this take to level?!!!!

so why is this so hard?!

i can logically see alllll the good sides to being well, but why o why is it so hard to let my self stay here?

constantly thinking, counting calories, desperate to know my weight and make it go lower.
that is allll i am thinking about right now.

i know i shouldn't, but i miss being tiny. i miss feeling small, i miss going into shops and KNOWING that a size 6 will be on the big size, and not having to pick up 8's and 10's because i dont know which i will be (tho usually i seem to be a 9!). i miss knowing exactly what i will eat. i miss filling my day with exercise, when the only thoughts were of how to loose weight. what my next game plan was. i miss challenging myself to reach new limits. i miss spending hours hunting for the lowest calorie snacks. i miss working out exactly what i can eat for dinner that wont push my limit by even 1 calorie. i miss checking myself and finding my ribs, my hips, my spine and collar bone. i miss feeling like i could get through a crowd unnoticed.

in short, i miss my eating disorder.

at the same time, i know i was cold, lonely, tired (tho i feel it more now). i know i could feel everything i sat on, and lying in bed hurt. i know i had horrendous acid reflux, that every time i threw up i ached. that i had a permanently sore throat. i know that i was cold from the inside out, that i was dizzy permanently. that my blood sugar went funny all the time so i would shake, black out or faint. i know that i was starving hungry and that i spent hours looking at what i wouldn't let myself have. i know i was suicidal, that my mouth ulcers were over a cm in diameter, and lasted weeks at a time (4+). i know my skin was so dry it cracked and bled, i know my hair started coming out more. i know my periods stopped (and still haven't come back). i know i couldn't concentrate and i wasn't really in the real world.

in fact, what my cousin said this Christmas really hit home... 'nice to have you back'.

so why am i so desperate to go back to what i know was that bad?

yo

well, hello my lovelies,
i thought i would check in and say hi!

christmas was surprisingly calm!
we all spent the night at different places, which made a huge difference (me, my sis and grandparents were the only ones to stay at my cousins house), i think it gave everyone some cooling space. so, this was the first ever xmas without full blown arguments!!!!!
sure, there were some frought moments, but by comparison it was lovely!

it was also, the first xmas without music (which is probably another reason for a lack of arguments), so apart from a bit of messing about, there were no children being forced into quartets, no adults shouting about someone playing out of time, and no critical comments about someones playing!

didnt really get many presents, tho my little sis and cousins got me some gab little things (my cousin sam got me some crafty film, you mould wire into a shape and dip it into this film, it dries and you can do all sorts with it!), and ofcourse i have my rather funcky bed that im loving!


im finding food a bit hard, xmas its self was ok, tho i found it really hard because all the meals were at odd times (like, just a big meal at half 3, and everyone picking at things). it didnt really help that i got hungry, ate, and then had to have dinner but got hungry after when other people werent etc etc.

im just finding it hard because i want to loose weight.
iv spent all evening wanting to 'binge', so have gone through 3 tangerines, a red pepper, a carrot and 2 sticks of celery and a few flaked almonds... it feels like a very anorexic thing, but i didnt really need more food and i knew if i ate more kcals i would have thrown up, so it seemed more sensible.

i think i maybe didnt have enough earlier, but im not sure.

went shopping, and got a new coat, a top and the vicer of dibly set =-)

need to stop obsessing over calories and weight for a bit! xxxxx

'it was the night before christmas and all through the house...'

both ratties and mouse were making a right noise! ;-)

im feeling a bit better then last night, just spent most of it crying, but maybe thats not such a bad thing.

im feeling so weird at the moment, iv come to the realisation that my brother is a bit of a poo. i dont really think he wants me around, infact he doesnt want anyone around who may have had any mental illness... considering he's a docter, i find that rather poo.
i just feel sad that he never talks to me unless i happen to be in the same room as him. he never cares.

i wish it was different.

tonight we had a family dinner, was ok, i ate loads, feel guilty, but nothing new there!
find my family hard, partiicularly with lots of comments about 'how well' im looking.
hopefully tomorrow will be ok, bit worried, i hate arguments, but so far this being in different houses at night seems to be paying off!

heard from a friend who was in IP, she went back in, after taking an overdose =-( its a shame because she is so lovely, and was always inspiring, but im glad she is in a safe place.

im a bit scared to tell bex, because she always looked up to her. worried about her too, i know her xmas will be hard. i miss her.

anyway, off to finish wrapping,
night xxx

bad night

i know i shouldnt care, but my sister called me heavy tonight.

i cant stop thinking about it.
i feel discusting.
i cant beleive i have let my self get to this weight.
i want it to stop.
iv had enough.


why am i so fat? why cant i be a normal weight? im so fed up of not being able to loose weight, not being aloud, when everyone else is without question. it feels so unfaire that they dont get stopped.

i so desperatly want to lose the stone i have gaind, i cant stand being this weight. its discusting.

no matter how much i try to accept other people views, i still want to make myself puke just by seeing my reflection.

i disgust myself.

im fat, ugly and gross and i cant stand it

='-(

i am part of a compleatly crazy family!!!

i already knew that, but these little family trips only serve as reminders to that!!!
we went to see cinderella today (at sadlers wells, directed/coreographed by mathew vaughn), which was cool, but the meal before hand was something else!!!

i mean, the stress levels before we got out the door were bad enough - my mum was shouting and stressing for no real reason, and had already argued with sue (no surprise).

then when we got to the restaurant, there were my 3 little cousins causing havoc and being really loud, my grand dad throwing a tantrum, my mum and sue arguing, the food not coming on time (and in my uncle n sisters case, not coming at all), and as a result people getting angry at the waiter etc etc. it was mental! so much for an unstressful time!

it was a bit weird seeing everyone, my little cousins clearly know about my food issues (charlotte, last time i saw you, you had a bit of cucumber for dinner and said you were full... you were ill etc etc) and all the family kept saying i looked well etc etc, which i know is meant as a good thing, but made me feel a little chubbbbbyyyyyy. on the up side, i wore a ridiculas hat too distract people, which half worked!)
it was nice to see my cousins tho, and we are all planning an escape to the pub at christmas too get away for a bit, which will be lovely. my american cousin jess is over, with her mum linda (my mums cousin) and it was nice too see them too, hopefully seeing them tomorrow.

i had to take arther back to the vets, he has another course of antibiotics, and they gave me some for merlin in case he is carrying it without showing symptoms, so fingers crossed!!!

i also had my hair cut too!!!

anyway, i will leave you with a pic of me and arther i took, finally got him still!!!

harrrrd day

o deary me,
my head is very messy tonight.

iv been finding food a bit hard for the last few days, not conciosly, but i know iv been avoiding food. if im honest, i knew i was doing it, i know iv been making myself too busy for lunch and wakeing up too late for breakfast. i have been putting things in the way so i dont have to eat... today i didnt eat till 2, had a bag of crisps, a sandwhich without the crusts at 4, and dinner tonight, pluss 2 crackers earlier. i know its not enough, but it feels so much.

i have gone through my wardrobe to chuck out cloths.
i have found that really hard, all i see in the mirror are the fat bits, and its made twice as hard that so much didnt fit me any more.
i dont understand how im smaller then my sister, and i look so much fatter. she has a beautiful shape, and all i have is a pot belly and love handles.
since when did i have a muffin top when i wasnt wearing tight fitting clothing?!
its doing my head in, and the prospect of being this heavy forever feels like the worst punishment in the world.
god, how vein am i.

i hate how i look, and i hate how i think.

i know i shouldnt go backwards, but it feels so easy to just skip meals.
mum keeps asking how im doing, its getting annoying, but maybe it because i know that what i want to d isnt the right thing.

scrapbook take 3

the last 2, have several faces imbetween

more scrapbook pages

a few scrap book pages

stupid day

well,
that was THE most pointless bunch of appointments ever.
my gp one, was a quick 'are you thinking of harming yourself' one,
the diaticions one was where we decided i didnt need the input any more,
and dr robertson did bugger all in giving me any help, it was a 'your on the waiting list', and 'try and change your thoughts' and il see you in a month or so...

so, i saw the warning signs, asked for help, and may as well not have bothered.

they cant tell me how long il be waiting for, and they cant offer me any support in between, leaving me with nothing.
it sounds stupid, but all i need is someone to talk too, and they cant even give me that. im trying so hard not to go backwards, but as time goes on its getting harder and harder, and with no support to help each day its getting that little bit more tempting =-(
it feels impossible to keep this up.

my bmi is now 21, which is apparently right where i should be, how does it feel so wrong? the diaticion kept saying well done, but it doesnt feel very positive to me right now, i hate being this heavy. every time i look down at myself its like starting at a tub of lard =-(

i just want to cry all the time because i cant do what i normally do too stop myself.

boo

well, i realise why ben and jerry's chocolate fudge brownie frozen yoghurt is so addictaive... your always looking for that 'last bit' of brownie!

im absolutly dreading tomorrow =-(

3 appointments in one day, 9.00 is GP, 1.30 is the diaticion, and then at 4.30 its Dr r the psych... im cacking it. particularly as my appoointment for Dr r was brought forwards at my gp's request =-(
im scared he is going to wonder why they brought it forwards, and its not like they can do anything anyway.
i had an appointment for the CMHT saying i have an appointment for the 25th of january... i love the way that thats an emergancy referal,

been finding food a bit hard, eating, but the calculations are all going on in my head, and often i restrict in the day but get so hungry at night that i eat a normal amount anyway.

my weight is 49.6kg now, thats so much more then i was, and its doing my head in =-( i know i shouldnt care, but i do. i look down at myself and it makes me want to cry =-( hope it gets easier soon

went to the gp

hello,
well, yesterday wasnt a good day.
i threw up for the first time since being out, and did it twice (never do anything by halves e?!)
i was just feeling so stressed, and nothing was going right, and i tried not to but the day didnt get any better, and i didnt know what else to do with myself.

on the more positive side, i dragged myself off to the GP today (mainly because i needed my meds again) and asked them if they could follow up the CMHT...
they are shoked that i havent been followed up properly, and i was there over half an hour while they rang variouse places etc etc.
as a result, my appointment with dr R has been brought forwards (the psych from the ed place), and they have sent an urgent referal to the CMHT, AND booked me in an appointment on monday morning to make sure im ok... i feel like they are making rather a fuss over something so small, but then i guess its a slippery slope, and they know as well as i do that im all :smile: untill i stop to think, and then i could create a small ocean with my tears!

i dont know, feeling a bit like i shoulnt have told them, or that they shouldnt have made such a fuss.

i saw my sister today, which was nice. first time iv seen her in about 6 months... she didnt come visit me in hospital, and didnt even ring, but i guess everyone deals with things differently, just would have been nice if she had of kept in tocuh.

have work again tonight.

found it difficult to eat today, because ed is deffinatly in my head, but i have had a fair bit i think...

already had some cerial, packet of crisps, doughnut, malteasers and some 'hungerian goulash' soup... i seem to be eating a lot of shit food, but i think i find it easier to not sit and eat a meal, to just eat on the go so i dont think about it, and it gets the calories up with not loads and loads of food. need to sort that, but it just seemed too much to sit and cook for myself when i wasnt even sure i wanted it!
sure il gra stuff after work too which aught to make it up.
my weight is still going up, which i also panicking me.
they said it would level out, and it hasnt yet :-(


got to practice anyway, speak sssooooonnnnn xxxxx

hello,
well im feeling pretty =-( at the moment.
i dont really know why, i just feel like i miss my eating disorder a lot.
im feeling huge, i cant seem to shake the idea that i am simply too big out of my head. all the extra layers for warmth probably arent helping, but i just feel heavy. disgustingly heavy.
i feel like iv failed, because im not letting myself loose weight, or because i didnt get thin enough. i have that little voice in my head going on at me about how my bmi wasnt low at all and i should have gone far lower. part of me wants to go down again, but another part of me knows its stupid and pointless. i just want to be skinny, but i want to stay out of hospital, and i know they dont go together, but i wish it wasnt like that.
i miss the days of not eating, the challenges id set myself, and the way i wasnt thinking about anything. i miss being spaced out.
it sounds stupid, but it feels like iv lost a part of me, and im not quite sure how to function without it.
every day im smiling and laughing and keeping very very busy, but inside im feeling like i dont know what to do with myself, and as soon as im alone and its quiet, i dont know how to cope. i want to cry.
i dont know why this is hard, i can see all the good points, and iv had better lessons and better practice, and more social time then i ever have before, but i still pine for the safety of my eating disorder.
i sat in on a master class in college, and it suddenly hit me, with the 'what if's'... what if im not good ennough? what if i practice and i still fail? what if i practice really hard and still am not capable of winning the recorder prize? what if i cant be good, or i cant be the best... what if im just a big fat failier and im wasting my time trying?
i know they are silly questions, but it petrafies me to think that maybe im just not that good. maybe, im not capable, and maybe everything everyone has said is true. i dont know, im still scared omi will be dissapointed in me, except it wont be her, it will me be, and if i cant use food how can i punish myself???
having food was a distraction from all of this, and now its not there, and i have no one to talk too about any of it. everyone sees me and thinks im doing great, and im happy, but its so hard to keep it up, and to keep pretending that its that easy :,-(

anna keeps going on about bad foods, and how she only eats things that are good for her, and all the time i feel like im feeding myself with calorie ladened shit that i dont need, and its making it so hard. she has pictures of emaciated models on her door, and it just rubs it in my face everyday that i cant be like that, and everyone else can. why am i the one who has to be a bloody fat hippo???
i make myself sick, the reflection in the mirror is disgusting, and i cant do anything about it.

screwed up

big time.
i dont know why iv been such a dick, but i have.
my friend gabi has decided not to talk to me anymore, cant say i blame her, i have been pretty shit at keeping in touch...
i dont know, when i read the text saying she didnt want me to contact her any more, it felt like a kick in the stomach, iv appologised, but i know i cant do any more then that, and its tough shit for me, and fair enough.
i seem to have a knack for getting rid of close friends.
dont really know what to day, feeling a bit =-( but i deserve that so cant moan, dunno, just blah!

stepped on the scales to find my weight is still going up... im over a stone heavier now. why wont it stop??? ='-(

stupid stupid stupid x

busy busy beeee

hello everyone!
well i havent written latley because i have nooooo internet at home!
things are going okish, im still eating, not enjoying it, but still going.
have a feeling m weight is still shooting up, but too scared to weigh myself (not sure if thats a good or a bad thing!)
been doing lots of practice, and had a good lesson with annabel which is good, still doing lots and lots.
applying for a couple of jobs, but im not holding my breath!

still not heard anything from the CMHT, there's a surprise!
i dont know, as long as im not thinking im doing absolutly fine, which is good, but i know all to well that il end up thinking at some point, which wont be a great thing!!!


i dont know, so far i give myself enough time to think about nothing, i am in college all day, and trying to keep busy all night (harry potter audio books are fantastic!)... the only give away is the mess that is my room =-s

hello,
well iv been finding the last couple of days hard.
i dont fit into my cloths any more, and i feel like im heavier then ever.
the temptation to loose weight is huge, but i know its pointless.
i think im feeling pissed off that i cant have my cake and not eat it, as it were.
why does everyone else get to not eat that much or still stay thin no matter what they have?

went up to london with my mum and jojo yesterday, but felt crappy because i could feel all my cloths, ed is just not giving up

blah.
weighed myself, weight has gone up so much. 48.6kg, when i went in i was 42.5 ='-(

feeling a bit =-(

just feeling really quite large compared to how i was.
went charity shop shopping, and half the size 8's were too tight now =-(
on top of that i seem to be hungry 24/7.
its been a bit hard, my friend bex has been staying, she finished ip yesterday, and understandablt things havent been as good as they could today. she didnt really eat enough today, which was a bit hard, and i could see she was struggling, but it just made me feel like a big fat heffer because i have eaten far more then her.
i hope she gets back on track properly.

im scared of how my weight is, its always too much, and im to scared to weigh myself now incase its gone up loads.

there is a large pull to go backwards and loose the weight. wish my head would just shut up for a bit.

its COOOLLLLLDDDD!!!!

im under my covers in a thermal with a hot water bottle and still cold, and im eating properly n all!!!

things have been mixed,

still eating but not finding it easy, and getting a bit pissed off with the cmht not getting in touch. iv been told i should ring them up, but why is it my job?! i mean im the one meant to be needing the support, so why am i having to bloody get in touch with them to ask for it. it happened after daycare, i never got followed up, and that was that. i seem to be very easy for them to forget.
i want to throw a strop and tell them all to f off and not bother getting in touch with them, but everyone keeps going on about how its not them that that will effect etc etc bla bla bla... i know but i dont care.

next on my crappy list is that my student loan has been put in, which is fine if i was meant to have it, but the papaer work isnt done right and it shouldnt be there yet and its just more hassle to work out why/whats going on. grrrrr!!! they dont give it to you when you want it, but do when you dont?!

i dont know, feeling quite crappy, and my period hasnt been here for about 2 months, and im deffinatly not pregnant, and dont know why its still playing up?! im eating like a pig, it should be regular =-(

i have a lesson at 9 tomorrow, and cant play for more then 10 min without pain on my treble, so that will be interesting. need to get money out for it on the way, and wake up with enough time for breakfast (grrr), thinking of going in earlier to practice.

feeling so fat, its doing my head it.

also got asked out by a dodgey indian guy today (he looked about 50 odd), he stopped me and told me id made his day wehn i smiled, and 'im not a bad person, but do i stand a chance of taking you out for dinner?' my reply was noooooo i have a boyfriend (any excuse will do?!), and then he kept going and kissed my cheek before i got away...flattering as it was, i wish it had have been someone my own age!

anyway, should go to bed i guess!, night! xxxx

hello,
well, today has been a mixed bag... the good things were...

1/ going to visit all the people at junior trinity, all my old teachers, musicianship teachers, choir masters, orchestra/chamber group conductors etc and the receptionist! it was lovely to see them all, popped into ken page and did some improvising, chatted to peter robinson my recorder teacher etc etc and spoke lots to trakove the receptionist, lovely lady!

2/ getting my treble sorted so i can reach it! mr von hughne has taken it to sort, and within a month i should have some keys on it and the thumb hole bushed, hopefully itl work fine and il be able to play it nicely without hurting myself!

3/ saw cweaver (i cant spell it but thats how it sounds!), and went for a drink with my and her mum!

the hard things were...

1/ being back in old situations, reminded me of a lot

2/ feel like im eating farrrrr to much and cant work out if im under eating or not

3/ sorting out wardrobe at home, so many of my cloths im scared of not fitting, i miss being tiny =-(

4/feel generally quite =-( =-s not sure why, just am

i dont know, so much of me wants to leave this food thing behind and move on with the rest of my life.
i want to perform to an audience and feel good about it, i want to enjoy being good at it, and i want to feel confident enough to do it. but its so scary letting go, and i can feel the pull back because its safe =-(

i love being an early music geek =-)

it means i get to go to fun things at the early music festival!
i had a very nice night tonight, after spending the day with my little sister, i headed up to greenwhich and saw a concert by the 'quartet new generation', a recorder quartet, and then went to dinner for the woodhouse reunion.

i for the first time, did not buy a salad there, and although i am freaking out now, it was nice to get what i wanted, which was salmon fishcakes with fries... i didnt finish them, because i was to scared to, but i had a good amount.

it felt really weird to be eating it, and it felt really weird because i know a lot of the people know about where iv been. Annabel was there, and thankfully i wasnt sitting next to her, but i felt odd eating infront of her, even tho i know she wouldnt be thinking im fat, i still think she will.

ok, so i have probably acctually eaten less then i should have done (1395ish), so i really should not be panicking

should just go to bed and stop thinking x

home for the first time in over 3 months...

and it feels WEIRD to say the least.

the temptation to over excercise, or eat and throw up, or restrict is huge, and being in the centre of my family is equally stressful.

i look around my room, and all i can see are bits of illness, or the fact i am not here often (piles of washing in my room, everyone elses junk, mixed with cut out pictures of magazines, drawings of thin people and old diaries full of numbers).

i open my draws and find wrappers from nights of binging/ purging, stashes of low calorie foods and old prescriptions. notepads full of calories, my last 10 years in food.

there are so many memories in this place, which i wish werent there. and on top of that, no sooner do i get home, do i sttart hearing all the family shit that i dont want to know. who is arguing with who, who is randomly angry at someone for no reason, who's buiseness everyone else knows, why so and so arent talking to so and so, and it just makes me realise why i come home and find it all so much harder.

i hate being here.

finding food is getting slightly harder each and every day. as i get more stressed, the ideas push them selves further in, and i just hope i can keep up not listening to them.

money wise, im screwed, until i can get the relevant letters to send to the student loans company.

bit pissed off because i wasted £30 last weekend on a train fair to see a friend, and quite frankly i wish i hadent of, didnt even have a particularly good time due to my friend being rather unsoicable to say the least. could have saved the money and not been annoyed if she had of just told me she didnt want to see me.

missed my train today due to another friend making me very late, so i had to spend the last £8 i own on another train, which now leaves me compleatly compleatly broke, with no way of getting around, and nothing to do.

the numbers on the scales has gone up yet again. 47kg, and it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. i know i shouldnt care, and i know there are many up sides to being healthy, but i am struggling to get it out of my head.
everyone thinks im doing so well, and finding it so easy.
i wish it was that simple :'-(

officially discharged from cilantro

well, today was the day!
(the 3rd, im just up really late!)

it feels weird, my emotions have been so up and down i dont know where they are!

im excited,
excited to start living again, to go out, be busy, meet people, do my music, art etc etc.
there is a lot to be excited about.
this is the first time in 10 years that i have thought maybe i can live without ed... its not 100%, but the fact that thought has even entered my head is a pretty big deal!
maybe, just maybe, 10 years from now, i will be sitting here with my own family and talking about how this part of my life is no longer an issue. i hope that will be the case, i sure as hell am not going to be someone who's life revolves around hospital stays!

im also a bit sad,
i have made some amazing friends in there, and it feels hard to leave them behind.
although i had one of the hardest times in there, it was also filled with some of the best.
the understanding from the girls, and the laughs we had were amazing, and it is sad to leave that behind... it will take a long time to get used to not being able to just knock on beccy's or faye's door when i want a hug or a chat, but its all part of moving on, and i still have their numbers, so its not the end of the world (even tho it kind of feels that way!)

im also a tiny wee bit scared of being left to my own devices...
my mood is still pretty crappy, and ed is still very loud 98% of the time, but when i think about it, thats a big improvement on 100%, and its all baby steps.
i know i may go back and fourth, but i also know i dont want to land up in hospital again, which in a way gives me a bit of a kick to at least stay above a certain level, which hopefully will mean im more likely to pull my self out of it anyway.

im nerves too,
had butterflies in my tummy all day, i think im just anxiouse that i wont be ok, but realistically i have lasted 22 years, and things cant really get much worse then they have been, so as far as i see it, there are only 2 ways it can go... it can stay the same, or it can go up, and seeing as everything changes, i would say at some point, it will be heading upwards!

i had some really thoughtful little gifts, they landed me in tears tonight when i looked at them, but i will have them there to remind me of how special other people think i am (maybe it will rub off!). im going to stick up the little letter and card, and my 'recovery pack' (full of varieas tasks to do) made by beccy, so that i remember to use it when im wobbling!

i dont know, im trying to think of this as a begining and not of an ending.
a begining to getting my lfe back on track, and being who i want to be!

should go to bed, but i will no doubt be writing a lot more from now on! xxxxx

blah...bloody lewis

ok, so while i have been in hospital sorting out my life, lewis has been off dating half my bloody friends at college.

i know i know i cant be bitter about him dating. which i am not, its just im slightly resentful of the fact its half the people in the early music department.
i have just had to have a conversation with someone i got on with really well, about how she went on a date with him, and how she doesnt know weather to go out with him etc etc, and in truth, as much as i like her as a friend, do i really want to hear it all?!

how am i meant to give her advice about weather she should be with my not so distant ex?!!!

i dont want to know about their date, i dont want to know about what they may get up to, and i dont really want to be aweare that he is off screwing around already... even though i knew that within a week of our break up.

gah, i dont know, maybe im a little jealouse that really i want to be the one enjoying myself, and the one with a relationship being the be all and end all of my life. and maybe, im a little hurt that lewis didnt have the sense to maybe steer clear of all my good friends when it came to him finding another girl.
i guess im feeling a little hurt.

he blanked me at college the other day, and has deleated me from his facebook, i shouldnt care, but i was with him for a year and a half, and i guess i wasnt expecting it to feel like we didnt know each other when we broke up.

just feel =-(

2 days tomorrow and im discharged

hello lovely people,
wellll, how am i feeling?
that is an interesting question, and even i am not sure!

all in all i think im happy to be leaving, i mean, i much prefer life outside, but there are a feww little things im iffy about...
the first, and biggest, is that i feel like a rather large hippo, and am not coping very well with it.
ed is screaming his head off trying to make me stop eating, and iv been tempted by him a lot the last 3 days.
i have eaten what feels like a mountain full of food, but i know it cant be as much as all that, but i am feeling so guilty.

i popped into urban coffee today, and it was nice to be in there, but feels weird being around it.
everything feels strange.

im a bit worried about what i will do when im out. i have no really strong plans, other then that i think i am taking a gap year.

i am all fine when im around people, but its when im alone i find it hard.
thats nothing new, i guess im just used to being around people 24/7 now, and its odd being back alone again.

i wanted my mum to come up on wednesday, but she cant because she doesnt want to mess around her pupils. its probably just as well, as i may be in a bad mood, but i guess i kind of wanted someone round to give me a hug =-(

she keeps going on about me going back home, but i can not be bothered with it, dont really want to i dont think.

i dont know, im all mixed, endings are never easy, even if it does mean i can do my own thing.

=-s

in the lead up to discharge...eeek?!

okkkkk

so, its my last lot of weekend leave, which means i only have another 2 days of ip till discharge.

to say im nerves is a little bit of an understatement, but thats pretty natural.

its weird because it doesnt feel like iv been in, but doesnt feel like iv been out in the outside world either, its a bit like iv been in no mans ground.

i think im nerves about the social scean, i have been pretty quiet, and im scared of getting back in touch with people, as i have all my usual fears of not being liked etc.

i tried to go out last weekend, but felt so shitty after, only because im so worried everyone hates me.

today was pretty hard.
some twat in ip called brian is the most self ritiouse person i have ever met, and told me i was 'an attention seeking diva'... this is probably one of the best insults anyone could chuck at me ever, and i ended up crying for a good few hours. the joke of it was, i got told off for calling him a twat when i walked out of group, even tho he said way more then that to me. not one of the staff asked if i was ok, just told me 'you should think about what you said and weather it is a useful reaction etc etc'. no 'charlotte, i can see you are upset would you like to talk'. and then when i refused to go into group, they told me i should calm down and go in later, and 'we cant give you a one to one because your meant to be in group, its your choice'... so then i purged to calm down ( on water?!) and went back. when asked later how i calmed down, they seemed a bit arsy about it. what did they expect? its not like i could remove myself from the situation, and its not like anyone would help me talk things through.

on the up side, i had a massage with rose again, and she was lovely. as soon as i walked in she asked what was wrong (apparently she could see in my aura that something wasnt good?!) and we had a good chat. she has given me her number and i will hopefully pop in and see her soon. maybe next thursday or the one after. she said i can go and have a massage and that she wants to keep in touch.

gaaaaaah i dont know, feeling pants at the moment, when o when will these anti depressants kick in?! =-(

evening...

well, how do i describe how i am feeling?
i dont think low or shit really covers it.

i just want it all to stop.
iv had enough of feeling this way. iv had enough of arguing with myself constantly, and iv had enough of feeling like im about to split apart.

i dont know how to say how im feeling, because i dont really know.
all i know is that i just want to cry all the time, and i am desperate to stop eating just to give myself a break.
its a constant conversation...

'im hungry, no your not. just have something small, you cant, your fat. so what, who cares? i do, your disgusting. you make me want to be sick just looking at you, and there is only one way you can fix that. im going to eat because i need it, fine, il make you eat more, just to make you feel bad, then you will listen to me and get on with loosing weight. i dont need to loose weight yes you do, your nasty everyone else sais i look fine they are just lieing, it makes them feel better if they are around fat people, they just want to make you fat so they can feel better. they will hate you anyway... SHUT UP!!!

i have been so confused today, there are too many pointless numbers going around my head. calories calories calories.
i have had to much, and i have over excercised and cut because of it. i dont know why... im not even sure if its punishment or just to try and keep me sain. if it wasnt for the fact i know il gain water weight, i would have thrown up too.

my weight keeps going up, even tho they told me it didnt matter. it wont stop going, and i have asked them to take something out of my diet, and all they have said is 'if you didnt have an eating disorder it wouldnt bother you, and your still a underweight anyway so it doesnt matter...' YES IT DOES.
i have no proof that i can eat without gaining weight, which is so stupid, because what are they expecting to happen? i cant let it go up any more, so i cant eat this much, but they wont help me learn how to maintain it, and its just making me panick.

i dont know what to do wiith myself, everything i do feels wrong, and i cant keep going, i cant cope with it.

i dont think i care if i get better or if i die, i just need it to shut up and give me a break.

:'(

helloooo
not really posted for a while, mainly due to my internet screwing up.

not much happening, my discharge date is the 3rd of november now, which is cool,

mostly doing rehab stuff.

my head is still in a mess, feeling like a right big fatty, and cant help wanting to loose weight. the frustrating thing is i now get hungry, which makes things harder/easier depending on which way you look at it.

fed up of being such a dick about things, but all i can think about is loosing weight and getting thin. even tho i know it wont help and wont lead me anywhere.]


on the up side, i have told them i am not seeing pam, and am being put back on the waiting list for individual therapy. i dont know how long itl take, but at least i wont be seeing fuckface again! im very happy about that.

meant to be having support from the CMT once i leave, tho that was meant to happen after day care n it didnt, so i dont really know how much support il get. not that it matters, what happens happens xxx

Letter to 7 year old Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

well, where do i start?
i have been angry at you for many years.
i was angry that you couldnt fit in, that you were stupid, that you tried so hard but never succeeded, but most of all, that no matter what you did, you couldnt make things better.i blamed you for not beang able to cope, to just get on with things.

After all, other people have it worse.

Looking at this aged 22, i have started to realise these views arent really fair. you were just a child. i wouldnt turn around to another 7 year old and tell her to just deal with it. i wouldnt expect her to, because no one should. That child should be cared for and supported, not blamed for its situation. I guess its not you i should be angry at.
It should be the people around you. The people who chased you, called you names, beat you up. The people who ignored you, who whispered constantly and who couldnt see that you were just another kid, just like any other. I should be angry at your teachers for not seeing, or not wanting to help. Who hurt you just as much in the classroom as the children did at break. I should be angry at your parents for not making things better. for not holding you close and telling you everything would be alright. I should be angry at those 5 schools for watching it happen without question. At Omi for all that she has done without knowing it. For my family for agreeing without question, and that stupid mentality of just getting on with things. I should be angry at the things that led my grandparents to be who they are. At what happened to pop's family in Nazi germany, for him never learning how to deal with it because its just too much.

I should be angry with everything but you.

You were just a child, i would want to protect you, not blame you. I would want to listen to youre tears, to hug you, to find ways of boosting your confidence. I would want open conversations. To listen when your day wasnt good, and to show you that it doesnt always have to be that way.

I would take care of you.
Maybe its time i start trying,

Lottie xxx

poem...

Help me.

Help me please, I'm begging you,
To find my mind, to see it through.
I'm begging, knees bent on the ground,
Through my tears, this silent sound.

Help me now, I need your strength
To keep on walking for this length.
I need your words, your time and love.
Some from below, some from above.

Help me, I cant stress enough
For this road just seems too tough.
I want to stop, to take a break
But it would be a big mistake.

I can not carry on like this
Stuck in this unforgiving mist.
I weep, I cry, I scream and shout
Yet still, i can see no way out.

Dont leave me here to rot and sower
I want to fight but dont have power.
I can not cope, i want to die
Ye still I smile, a bitter lie.

I dont know how you'll ever know,
If I am too afraid to show.
I'm scared of being me tonight
For I dont have the strength to fight.

Help me please, I'm begging you
My knees are bent, you take your pew.
You watch me as i fall apart
You will not help my broken heart.

Help me.

how loud do i have to shout?

i do wonder how bad things have to get before someone takes notice.

i dont know what they need to see. i dont know what they want to hear, to understand that i bloody well need some help.

today was marginally better then last night, which was a pretty hard night.

got back from leave, and sarah decided she wanted a word... in which she made me feel a million times worse then i do already.
she kept on going on about how on friday all they saw of me was that i was pissed off at them, how i had given up on getting better and 'whats all this about your mum ringing up worried about you?' as if i had made it all up to my mum to make things seem bad.
she kept going on at me about how i was wasting my last week, and only i could change it, so 'i suggest you stop wasting it and start working to change it' and 'your not going to get any longer here' so stop messing around etc etc
i got really pissed off with her, swore and cried and stormed out of the dining room at snacks and refused to have it/replacement, and carried on cutting and when she came to be a bitch some more i ended up going to my bathroom and cutting because i didnt know what else to do with how i felt.

she kept telling me i was winding myself up and wasnt helping myself and shouldnt be acting how i did, and then when i went to appologise later she told me that i didnt need to, and they needed to see more of that?!!! WHICH ONE IS IT?! angry charlotte or smiley charlotte? wish they would bloody well make up their mind.

no one expects to see me down, and when i am down no one takes any notice because they think i am doing it to play up... its a no win situation, i dont get help either way, even tho when i come accross as down, thats when im as low as iv gotten, not when i feel like being attention seeking.

had a couple of teary moments today as well, in group and in a one to one with sue. still wont help, wont be staying and at this rate will end up seeing them in a few weeks again.

why wont they just give me the help now rather then telling me i may need more then one admission, why bother with the gap when they could just give me a little more time to save them the hassel, and me the pain and frustration. we all know where im headed when im feeling this damn low, and it isnt in the right bloody direction.

i keep wanting to sleep and not wake up, to just have a few days off from how im feeling. its like im in a pitch black hole and although i know there is a way out, i cant find a way to even begin climbing. im stuck and no one will chuck me a rope, or even a map or a first direction, they are just waiting for me to self destruct compleatly, and maybe then they might decide i could do with a little help.

i want to be better, i want to feel able to cope, but i dont know how, and i cant see how i am going to get there =-(

a weekend out of ip... (and recovery?)

well,

i cant reember when i last wrote. but i probably mentioned how i had only asked for 1 night out as i dont trust myself, and they gave me 2 and all the days...

you know, i dont trust myself for a reason =-S

i guess i restricted a lot, and purged dinner tonight because i felt to out of control having it (i wasnt, just felt it).

on friday i missed both snacks after i left, tho i had dinner.
saterday, i had a nutrigrain bar for breakfast, missed all my snacks and had a 275kcal dinner
today i missed breakfast, had 1/2 a scotch egg, a 97kcal pack of crisps for lunch, mars bar for snack, and purged dinner...

the nly reason i had the things i did eat was because i was around people...
i know they will be annoyed and will say 'we will have to work on this in the time you have left', but im not stupid. its 1 1/2 weeks and they think im coping fine (funny because this probably isnt what i would call coping).

i did it because i need to feel numb. if im not i feel like shit, and i cant cope with that. i hate eating because it makes me feel even worse than i do.

i dont want to put on weight because i can cope with it, and eating as much as im meant to wil make me fat. i already feel massive.

i cant see a way out of this, seems like im stuck this way because i cant find a way to kick myself into gear.

if only it was as simple as just eating and getting on with it... i know people think it is, and maybe to them it is, but it isnt feeling like that.

i tell you, one more coment about people having it worse and i will explode at someone...i am very very awear of that, and it makes me feel even worse and more selfish that i am like i am.

grrrrrrr i guess its back to that shitty place where they feed you up like a christmas turkey... what a fucking great day.

feeling really quite shit

i feel all :-(

today the new girl did really well with food, but that was because she asked me to sit and support her through it, and i did. all the staff said thank you, and asked if i had thought of becoming a nurse, only i feel really crap in myself.
i got on and ate, because i had to show her it was ok, but im feeling no better about food then usual.

i hate the way im looking, and i hate the taste of food. i tried shortbread as a snack, but all i could taste was butter and if it wasnt for the new girl needing to see its ok i would have walked out without finishing it =-(

finding things really really hard.

i have 2 weeks and 2 days left, and i am deserate for more time. i cant stand that im still struggling so much and they are just chucking me on to things and not doing anything to help.

they dont listen if i talk, so it seems stupid trying. i may as well save my breath because every time i have tried to tell them what i think/feel they ignore it anyway.

mum knows, and wants to talk to them, but i doubt they will listen to her either.

i dont know what to do. it like someone has waved a rattle infront of a baby and then taken it away. i can see with the right help i could get better, but they arent giving me enough time to do it. i am still freaking out
/ feeling to guilty to eat, just like the first bloody week i was here.

i wish either they would give me enough time, or that i had never have started here in the first place.

=,-( maybe there is no way out anymore.

i have an ed in my head

and he wont bugger off!
bloody bastered!

i havent posted for a while, not felt very talkative.

i have under 3 weeks left now, and im scared.
they are pushing me through things so fast (they have admitted they wouldnt if i had more time there). like im now unsupervised for all snacks and lunch and portioning breakfast, and next week i will be unsupervised for everything and also cooking/food shipping... reguardless of the fact that im still having major struggles... it just feels like a bit of a joke.

i mean rushing me through things isnt exactly giving me enough time to get used to any of it.

at this rate, ed is gripping on tight and i dont have the time/support to boot him out the door.

i had leave this weekend, 3-11 the next day friday, and 9-5 today.
skipped breakfast coz i was an idiot an weighed myself, and skipped afternoon snack today because im a twat.

also had 1/2 a pizza for lunch today (yay), and friday night (yay), but they spoiled my feeling proud by telling me i should have had carbs with it...

so all in all i am not doing so great.

i think its because im scared of not managing it, i dont know.

i wish i could be ok =-(

i wish they would give me a little more time.

the ironic thing is, if i was a few pounds lighter, they would, and they would make me get to a bmi of 20-21, yet because its only 18.8 im not that ill and even tho im naturally a stone and a bit heavier they dont care and wont help me get there/maintain it. it feels like when you dont want help, they chuck it at you, but as soon as you want it they take it away.


ed still wants me to loose weight. i need a new brain.

weight explosion...

well, this morning and i didnt cross just 1 dreaded number, i went strait off and crossed 2 =-(
i have gone from 43.9kg on thursday, to 45kg today =,-(
i have never felt this shitty and then had to eat a full fucking day of food.

thats over a kg in a few days.

i know logically that its probaby water weight from my purging last week, or my period aproaching, or water weight from restricting over the weekend, but it is playing on my mind.

i went on leave, i was walking around all day both days, and it still shot up a kg, it was meant to go down, and instead it went up, even tho i wasnt eating enough... FATTTTTYYYYY.

im hoping and praying it will go back down by thursday, otherwise i may have to leave just so i dont turn into a bloody hippo.

its pushed my bmi to bloody 19... i hate it. want it back down again NOW.

i just feel like i look so bloody fat. i look at my stomach and thighs and they are disgusting. i am in big baggy trousers and tshirt because im to scared of putting on my size 6 jeans incase they dont fit (even tho i know they do because they did yesterday).

i spoke to my recorder teacher online just now, and she was hinting at me practicing more... normally i would think she was right, but at the moment, it really isnt feeling like the most important or constructive thing. its about time i just focused on getting better and dealing with how i feel rather then just practicing, being wound up and feeling guilty on top of this. lets face it, when i am feeling this crap and stressed, i wont be doing the most constructive practice anyway, and there are enough emotions in my head without adding the extras i get from music (which are many and very strong).

hate being this fat =-(

=-(

soooo...

yesterday was my birthday...

i felt very down all day
found it hard to be around my parents
have had my assesment, and i will be here 4-8 weeks depending (on im not sure what)
didnt have a text/call from any family apart from sue
spent about 2 1/2 hours crying last night
refused my evening snack because i am FAT
had the most painful eyes by the end of it!
lost internet dongle (or its been nicked more like)

today...
i still feel shit
spent the afternoon hiding with my head under my pillow pretending not to exist
had another session with pam the spam in which she told me i need to make friends with people at uni and invite a couple this week to see me in the nut house to start making real relationships
lost a bra in the laundry room
asked for a one to one, and as usual that didnt happen
want to curl up and dissapear.

poo poo poo poo poo.

birthday...

well, i am now 22, and i can tell you, i did not want bloody breakfast first thing. not exactly the present i was wanting!

feeling a bit sad about being here for it. was hoping i would be home and able to do my own thing.
ofcourse, my own thing would have been not eating, but i would have found it easier, i am really struggling with feeling crazily big at the moment. i was in the shower and all i could see with my fat fat legs and tummy. its doing my head in.

just feeling a bit =-(

another day, another ton of food!

well,
still here, still eating, and still alive!

today has been okish, i dont know, mixed mixed but a better mix then the last few days.

i have gone another day without purging, and i havent self harmed either, in any way which is good.

my weight has stayed the same, but its still freaking me out, i hate it.

had appointment with one of the doctors, was good to chat to him, i explained more about the time i wanted (as in be given some time to maintain my weight), he said that they will probably want me at a BMI of 20, which gave me the chance to say, yes, if i had some maintanence time, so hopefully he will take that on bored.
i also told him things had been pretty hard and spoke it through with him.

found meals hard, especially lunch. it was sandwhich and crisps, and i cant stand seeing the marge on the sandwhich. i could see it and taste that with full fat cheese. a big challenge. got caught trying to squeeze the marge out, which is probably a good thing, but annoyed me!
dinner was lasagne =-s

after dinner, sarah came and grabbed me to finishof the timeline.
she was surprisingly nice!
i think we miss understood each other to begin with, and she has been quite open to me that he first thoughts were wrong, which has made me feel more able to talk to her. after the timeline we had a chat about things, she wants me to talk to staff more still, and to try and tell people when im not ok!
we talked about how i think of myself (attention seeking, needy, useless, fat etc etc), and she went through counteracting them all with what she thinks. it made me feel a bit better about being here when she said 'attention seeking, you need to be here so no'. i guess its a releif to know she isnt thinking im here for no reason any more!

im feeling a little better about things here, i need to work on a lot, especially saying how i am feeling and doing things for me, not others (it has been noticed i tend to chair the groups, i think i tend to fit where there is a need if that makes sense).

i hope tomorrow is ok,

good night! x

managed a day

ok, so here is my positive...

even tho i REALLY wanted to through up/self harm today, i havent.
i have spoken to staff and distracted myself, and even though it feels shit, i know its good.

i have also, after talking about how i can get myself to think of some positives on not purging/eating done a massive thing and stuck it on my wall (see picture as proof below!)

im scared and im worried and im nerves that i will never recover, but im very awear that this is the thinking that is keeping me stuck here.
i need to find a way to rethink things and learn to move on and allow myself to be ok.

also did another page in my scrap book..

(now that i have a phone with camera, i will be posting pictures!) xxx
my walllll



my scapbook page

scrap book pages since beng here...

just 3 pages.
the food one, all the food flips up with similar words to them.

rough day

cant i just leave now and forget everything?

its all too hard.

i went through my time line today with sarah, well some of it, didnt have time to finish.
it just sucked.

she told me that they need to see that bit of me, that she was wondering why i was here, and is really glad that she has found out some stuff... i feel like a mess tho.

i dont know how to act, how to be, my head is a mess.

i didnt manage dinner, had suppliment and after crying half an hour, purged anyway. purged my 7.30 drink in the garden (how grose am i) and my 9.30 snack too... i know i shouldnt but i cant face food right now, and they didnt notice so i got away with it.

there is too much in my head.

i can not convey to you quite how much i hate the person i am.

this person makes me so angry, why couldnt she just get on with things when she was younger? why the fuck couldnt she cope?

she should have been able to. it wasnt that bad, she is just a weak pathetic idiot who deserves it all anyway.

i look back at pictures of myself and i want to rip them apart. how can anyone like someone like me? how the fuck do they think im a nice person? its a fucking joke.

i dont want to eat, because quite frankly i dont give a shit enough to feed myself. i dont want to care for someone i hate, and i dont particularly care weather that person is alive or not.

i have had enough of it all. i want to be aloud to starve and purge, i want to crush the little girl inside me so much that she cant ever make a noise again. i want her pathetic self gone.

i hate myself.

how did i get here?!

i do wonder how on earth i fell into this!
feeling quite shitty today, made the mistake of cutting last night (got desperate and broke a cd, idiot!), just felt so stressed. ended up telling sue today.
she was lovely and very good to talk to, but its all just mind fucky!

i dont want to be doing this but im scared of not doing it
i want to gain weight to be healthy but i already feel obease
i want to get better to have confidence, but dont beleive im worth the hassel
i want to get better but im to petrafied of failing at it and staying the same
i want to eat normally but im scared it will make me fat, and if im fat people will hate me...

yes i know it isnt logical, but it is how i feel... fat=nasty charlotte (not anyone else, i would never judge anyone else like that!)

grrrrr.

body image group was quite hard. we were talking about body checking, and why we do it... also about feeling fat, just brought up a lot.

was also hard as there are a couple of girls who like their attention, and i am not in the mood to be making them feel better, i cant even make myself feel better, let alone them. i know it isnt my responsibility, but i feel so guilty when i cant help, or when i have to turn away and ignore them because it gets to me too much.
i find it hard to hear 'im so fat' and 'o wo is me, life is so bad' comments because, yes i know, but im feeling exactly the same, and you dont see me complaining every 2 seconds! (i think they just remind me of the bits of myself that i hate).

should be asleep, just so much in my head.

one day i will read this and wonder why i found it so hard to just get better, hope its soon.

pro's and cons'

the pro's of going home...

can do what i like
can go out
can see friends
can eat what i like
dont have to eat too much
can loose weight
can be myself
can celebrate my birthday
can go to music college
can weigh myself
can excercise
can purge.

the pro's of staying here...

am eating normally(?)
have to keep food down (?)
wont be alone(?)
people to talk to (?)

the cons of going home:

pretty much giving up on recovery for a while

the cons of staying here...

cant loose weight,
feel like a fraud,
feel like a fat cow
feel stupid.



gaaaaaaaaah =-(

contemplating coming home...

well i guess that says it, im just not sure i should be here.

i had ward review today, and she asked if i was upset things were going well. she said apparently it looks like im worried they think im doing ok. its silly, they make a point about you talking to them, and as soon as you do, they think im making it up for them...
she asked if i felt like i shouldnt be here, and weather i wanted a longer addmission to feel ill enough... noooooooo that was not why i wanted a longer admission, i wanted it because i know what im like at maintainging weight... but nevermind.

i guess a lot of me is thinking i need to leave now before i put on the weight. there is no point putting it on and then leaving n loosign it, i may as well just leave now and not have the stress/hassel.

i dont know, im all very mixed.

yes i do feel stupid being here, and i feel like a fake and a fraud and like a big fat heffer.

i freaked out over dinner yesterday because it was curry, and again i was asked if it was coz i was worried they thought i was doing fine...no, its because im shit scared of curry. idiot.

god almighty, maybe this is the wrong place for me to be, i dont know. maybe i should be at home right now being able to do what i like.

im not sure which side of my head is saying what.

so confused. x

tough day

hello,
everything has been pretty hard anyway, but today was even crappier.
iv had enough of food now, like really had enough of it, and cant contemplate eating this for any length of time.
im feeling gigantic, im not sleeping well, and i can not wait to be out of here.

lunch was shit, i couldnt manage it (potatoe and veg curry), so had to have 2 suppliments (icky bananna flavour).
had ward round, and was told that they are still assessing me, but the rough plan is to finish the 2 week assesment and then have another 4 weeks on top... im scared its not long ewnough. i spoke to them and asked if it was possible to stay longer, they said nothing is set in stone, but that they dont want people to become dependant etc, so im a little worried.

we also had a meeting today, and me and becs got told off for being too close. it was a pile of bullshit, and all the other girls said so (they said we were forming clicks, and werent welcoming others), but it really got to me. it just feels a bit of a joke. they say to make friends, but as soon as you do its seen as co dependancy.

im exhausted, i feel like shit and i dont want to do this incase i get chucked out to soon.

this is the hardest thing i have ever done.

day 2 in cilantro...

well so far today has been SHIT.
i was finding breakfast hard, but was eating it. they bloody have a time limit of half an hour, for cerial with milk, orange juice, tea, and 2 slices of bread with butter, its a lot to fit in!
so, i got to my last half a slice of toast, and then got made to have 2 bloody suppliments on top of that because i didnt finish my meal =-(
thats like 2 meals.

so, i spent the next hour crying, and trying to sneak off to throw up, and crying some more, and feeling very very very sick. i did keep it down, and aftedr 2 hours, it has finally started to settle, but i was not feeling happy, and am shit scared of lunch now.

not enjoying this.

in patient...

well, i was thinking today would be nice and uneventful... i was wrong.

instead of waiting for teusday, i was called at 11.30 to be offered an admission today to ip. so at 2 i was checked in, and here i am....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i feel very guilty for being here, im not ill in comparison to the girls here, they are all tiny tiny.

been told it will probably be a 4 week thing, so not long, tho im a bit worried it wont be long enough,guess il wait and see.

freaked out over dinner... fish and chips n veg, wish i was at home just having the stir fry i had planned, was doing so well at not eating today =-(

still, not eating isnt exactly doing me good is it, so i guess this is for the best.

have to use this, get on top of things and start fighting x

weird day

so, today i seemed to pick as the day to have an amazingly stupid freak out about life... what a clever girly i am.

i mean, dont get me wrong, this was ridiculas. i just felt shit, as per usual, and frustrated, as per usual, and persuaded by a friend i rang up the ed place and told them... why am i so stupid?!!!

so, having been told no appointments till next thursday, i asked if there was no way of talking to someone. the registrar called me,and after a chat, asked if i could come in today for a chat... spent an hour talking/crying to him, and then got bloods and weight (went down more then i thought). then pam called and told me she was around if i wanted to see her sooner, and spent another bloody hour and 40 crying in her room...

end result? they are going to discuss tomorrow in there meeting weather inpatient is a possible option, or what else they could offer.
she did say i could go back to daycare, but to be honest i think that would be pointless, il just lie my way through it, would be a waste of their time. also have the option of just seeing her and a diatician once a week... could give it a go, just worried that il do the same old things.

have been told to come in on teusday morning at 10 for an appointment with the doctor i saw today to discuss my options, and for him to make sure im ok, and he also upped my anti depressants to 60mg.

not sure how im feeling about it all, will wait and see what tuesday brings, but im very tempted to call tomorrow and tell them not to bother talking about it, as i feel like the worlds biggest idiot right now, im sure il be fine!

ga, all mixed up...views appreciated!

i am THAT bored...

... that i have resorted to tidying up too abba...

cabin fever! i am really surprisingly social, i never realised, but living alone is hell!
no wonder my mood has been shit lately, i am NOT good company!

the bitch of it is, im pretty desperate to go and eat something because im hungry, but can i? can i hell... not good, shouldnt be like this anymore, but guess what, i still am.

i dont know why im like this again. i dont know why im so scared that 200kcal may suddenly stick close to my stomach and make me obese... i know its all a pile of crap and doesnt happen like that, but i cant get it out of my head enough to eat.

iv eaten a lot more then i was going to today because i went out with becs, and obviously i have to eat with her, n i had a little bit for dinner too. id ay around 800kcal today, but even that seems like a crazy amount, and my head is furiously trying to work out how i should compensate for it... to which the logical answer is 'DONT YOU IDIOT, GO EAT A SANDWHICH!!!'

i want to just snap out of this, and get on with having a life, just cant seem to find a way. 10 bloody years and it feels like the habbit is to engrained to get out of it for any length of time.

makes me wonder.

i know im messing around with food coz im feeling pretty shitty, but then, whats new?! at least i got out of the house today, and managed to do a little more housework, but given the option id have still rathered hid under the covers =s

i need to ask to see a different therapist. the more i think of going back to pam, the more i cant imagine ever being able to change things. she just freaks me out!
i think it also scared me with the lack of personal space that seems to go with this EMDR thing, i mean, i get panick attacks in bloody train stations, let alone sitting right next to someone tapping your legs while you have your eyes closed!
the ironique thing is, i have no problem with sex, so why i get nerves being up close to someone in that situation makes no sense. still, im sure she would string together a load of answers for me... maybe im just pissed off she thinks she knows everything, and its all down to my new diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder... which in my head is not quite making sense... me not being comfortable with her tapping my legs is NOT ptsd!

blah, i dont know, il find the guts somehow of asking too change... i hope... (any kicks up the arse would be much welcome).

i wish we had a reboot button, would be so useful right now =-(

how predictable i am...

so, here i go again...
it feels like im going round a roller coaster yet again.
my depression is most deffinatly around again... today i stayed in bed as long as i could, got up, tried to do the washing up but sat staring at the floor sitting on the sofa till my appointment... i feel flat.
its so silly, some really good things have happened, but all i feel is that i dont really care because nothing feels good right now.
i got a place on the music and health elective (only 10 get a place out of the hole year, and it was by interview), and iv been asked to join a medeival group. both of these i should be exstatic about, but i can even smile about them because they dont mean anything.

i had my sister up, and instead of feeling like i had a nice time, i feel like a fat fucker because i ate a ton. i was trying to be normal, but i feel so shit about it that i dont think it really worked.

i dont think im managing to keep my intake up as much as i should be, and iv thrown up most days this week, just like always...

even when i was 'better', i wasnt better, and its starting to make me think i will never get better. maybe this is it, maybe this is life for me... i hope not, but i cant see another way.

went to visit becca in ip, and it was lovely to see her, missed her a lot, but we got talking and she asked if i thought ip would help (to which i said it would be worth a go), and then she said maybe i should ask (its what she did i think)... however i will never be able to ask for it. i feel pretty stupid asking for anything because im not that ill. i wish i could go there, just for someone else to have control for a bit, to get me started, as every time i try and do it alone it fails miserably, and day care i couldnt manage it properly (just lied about what id eaten and hid food because i couldnt not). i want an escape but it feels like every attempt i make, i mess up, and i dont know how the hell to get myself out of it.

had another session with pam, it was awkward and weird. it was the begining of emdr, but i couldnt get into it (trying to make a safe place apparently, by me shutting my eyes and imagining sweden while she tapped my knees). i felt really uncomfortable doing it, and when i said why she said it was just because of my 'ptsd'... still didnt change that feeling!
i dont know, i cant really be honest with her, and find her just odd. im considering asking if i can try seeing someone else instead, but i dont know how to ask.

in all honesty all i want to do is hide in bed for a few weeks. that aught to sort me out!

socially inept?

so, today i went out, with muy little sister to a friends birthday gathering.
it was nice, i mean, everyone was chatty and talkative, but i cant help feeling like i dont fit in.
i feel so uncomfortable being out and talking.
i talk because im scared of looking nerves/like a looser, yet i come away feeling so alone that it was a pointless effort.
in my head im wondering if they thought i was stupid, an idiot, horrible, weird... im wondering if i looked like a greedy pig eating a bit of birthday cake, or if i looked fat. im wondering if i should ever try and socialise again, because it feels like i fail miserably at it.
i wish i felt more comfortable being around people, but it feels like torture. i hate being alone, and feeling by myself, but im so petrafied of peoples reactions that it feels more comfotable feeling sad and alone, then risking being upset.
im so scared these situations will turn into school ones, even tho i know thats ridiculas. when im in crowds, i panic because at school crowds only meant being beaten up or verbally tortured. when i have to introduce myself, im petrafied that people will dislike me for no apparent reason, just because im me... i dont know how to unthink these things, and im scared to try incase its all true anyway.
tonight im feeling pretty low. my sisters asleep in the next room, and im wishing i was alone so i could purge/cut/cry as much as i needed. im wishing i wasnt like this at all. wish i just wasnt here =-(

last day in daycare!

well, here it is, my last day.
its going to be really weird without it, iv been there about 3 months, and now it is over, even though it feels like iv bairly been there!

on the up side...

i can have small amounts of foods i havent touched in YEARS,
i trust the NHS a little more,
im starting too talk about things too people
i have met some amazing people.

so there we are, thats positive right? even if im not eating enough, it is deffinatly a start!

i think im also going too take a gap year from college too sort myself out =-s
the choices are too rush things and compleate everything before september, go into third year, and do the hole carrying on thing that hasnt worked so well.

it was really weird today saying good bye to people, im glad its over, feeling exhausted. guess iv been quite anxious/emotional all day.

i wont miss the place, or the food lol, but i will miss the people. even pooface emma i may miss a little! think we just managed too start working each other out!

i will see jude for an assesment on the 12th, pam once a week and will see dr naziri too discuss things further and see about what will happen in the future.

thy also contacted my comunity mental health team, whoever they are! so i guess il be seeing them too.

im glad i wont be left compleatly alone, but feels odd too not have the people too talk too.

hopefully il be moving house tomorrow, which will be a big load off my mind! and i guess it will keep me distracted which is good.

merlin the rat is becoming more tame which is nice, was just holding him and not a nip! he is a very welcome bit of company.

i guess im feeling a little lonley, but i hope that il find some people too socialise with...any conversations welcome guys! x

just want my own space!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I JUST WANT MY OWN SPACE.

i want too go too bed when i want, rather then waiting for paddy too finish watching tv.
i want too have my cloths out.
i want too have my kitchen stuff out.
i want a door i can lock and shut my self in =-(
i want an address

I WANT A BLOODY HOUSE.

in a bad mood tonight!

paddy is annoying me, watching comedy and laughing loudly at tv that isnt funny.

i finish daycare on thursday, which is odd. 3 months il have been there.
laura is off in canada, and beccy is heading into inpatiant, and i cant afford too travel amywhere... in short i am feeling very lonley at the moment.

im also feeling incereadibly bloody fat. must loose some weight. not even sure im capable of that any more =-(

im so bloody pissed off.

everyones leaving...again

well, here i am feeling sad and sorry for myself.

so, laura is off in canada for a year (being one of my closest friends), and becky, the person im closest too up in birmingham, is now off to inpatient on monday...

i am so glad she is going in and being helped, but it just seems to bring up old feelings. it always happened that as soon as i had someone i started to get close too, something happened, or someone would say something, and that would be the end of the friendship. either that, or they would move away.

i guess i never really had any long lasting bonds, and i find it hard to cope still when people leave, as i am scared that il be alone again.

i will miss bex loads, she is someone i have been doing really well with recovery wise, and it will be hard without her...no more recovery club or cupcake trips! i think i find it hard alone, as i have no reason too do it...being around her means i have to because she has to, and i know she is the same.

i know its for the best, and il be fine, but its just a bit difficult, as i am discharged next thursday, and its just another change.

i feel like i need people around, but dont know who to ask, or how to ask. i feel alone and scared of everything thats going round my head.

so, as a result tonight i have purged twice...binged once. i think i just wanted too ignore myself, and thats what the purging helps with.

blahblahblah!

computer geeks and a numb bum!

that about sums up today!!!
stewarding at college, for 11 hours, was the most tediouse day ever! my bum was numb after about the first hour!
the joke of it is, it was a computer conference, full of rather sterio typical geeky socialy inept blokes, and there was a book on one of the stand about forming a good social comunity...made me giggle =-)

found food a bit hard, just wanted too restrict lots, i havent too much, i think iv had around 1000 kcal, and will probably have something before bed.

i think there is a lot on my mind.

tomorrow i have a biopsy of the lump in my breast, which is fine, but a hassel and they will acctually make a visabe mark on it wich is a bit pants! thats at half 10, and then its back too daycare at 12, which again im not overly excited about!

very awear i finish next week, which i am mixed about. i know being here is pointless if i cant mannage it, and i have gotten some benefit from it, tho i know im not getting much from it now. i think im nerves about not having the support of the girls around, and also not being made too eat weather i want it or not. i guess i will find it weird not going there most days, i have been there 1/4 of a year which is nuts, and it doesnt feel that long, but it will be odd not having the staff too kick me up the arse!

im a bit scared of being alone i guess. i think i know there is a large large part that isnt behaving itself, and wants too loose weight...but thats going too be there weather im in daycare or not, and its not daycare that stops me listening too it.

its a change, and its scary being left too my own devices.

still, i have after care group once a week, and pam once a week, and i think il be seeing dr nasiri too, not that he is any use.
im not sure if they will moniter my weight or not, i kinda hope they will because itl make me less likely too loose it.

also trying too decide what too do about college. i think i want too re take second year. i dont feel ready too do a year thats marked, as i dont trust myself too get through it without time off... particularly if i start acctually talking about stuff with pam, i think i may be knocked for 6 for a bit.

it would take some of the pressure off and just give me a chance too sort myself out without stressing over college.

i dont know, im scared of the future i guess.

i feel unmotivated, particularly around college. but i know its probably because im scared of failing... silly head!

i hope i can sort myself out. x